Visa granted, but...

[Lansbury 19]

He is too much of a thinker to be swayed by me

That in itself might be the problem too much thinking and not enough acting on what the heart says. It is good to consider things carefully but sometimes you just have to go with instinct.

[Teddy406 0]

If Teddy is in a place even slightly like I was in, the capacity to think straight is elusive. That's why I had to list out priorities. Not until I did that did the solution present itself.

Top priority, be with Tracy. I worked to that and "handled" everything else. It's working out just fine and I'm glad I did it that way. Go easy on him please.

Thank you. I can make decisions, I have made a lot of tough decisions in my life, I have made tough life decisions while most of my friends were still boozing and partying everyday, missing lectures without a care in the world. I dont mean to try and sound like a big man, but I made the decision to commit my life to someone 4000 miles away while continually being called strange, mad and wierd and i didnt doubt myself once for those years. I didnt 'play around', I didnt look for "better offers", I didnt take liberties that distance would allow or anything like that. I made a bigger commitment in dating in a way than a lot of people do when they move in with each other or get married without "meaning it".

I think most of you all did too, which is why i turned here for sage advice.

The point is that we are all here because we have a love abroad. That's one thing that people here will and should understand over anybody close to me or my fiancée, who has much simpler things to worry about as far as I am concerned, like knowing that if something big comes up, they have support to lean on and other established "pillars of strength" to lean on to get them through tough times.

I appreciate for some people here, this part was a piece of p*ss, pack up, flight, job done right? But i'm sure no one here has endured a hassle free relationship without tough times whilst they were together or apart. Im only asking on VJ because, like I said, im sure there were people on here that must know how I feel, you get these feelings magnified by ten because of the stress involved of USCIS as well as a wedding and to boot you are left to deal with them on your own because your fiancée is away waiting for you to come.

If you have ever had a major panic attack, I can tell you its probably the worst experience of your life. After those, I feel different, it's hard to sort out what my rational thoughts and feelings are against my "YOU DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT EVER AGAIN, DO ANYTHING TO AVOID" feelings and thoughts. That's the best way I can describe it, if you add that to the fact that there ARE legitimate concerns for me regarding the enviroment we would be in for reasons I dont want to go into tbh...then well, ugh. I feel burnt out and a mess and need time to recover, which unfortuntely is now more a concern since the issuance of the visa.

9 months is a long time to be apart when you are feeling progressively tense, things change and you arent coping with them together, it's easier to remember the strength you can draw from your SO when they are hugging you and telling you it will be fine as long as you are together, rather then trying to understand over skype as you sit on your own with your head in your hands.

Again, Im not having a pop at anyone here, thanks for taking the time to read and come back to me, and all the posts have been helpfull, some very funny too but it's true what "gone" said you just dont "snap out" of something like this. Sorry if it appears like I couldnt decide between sunshine burst and funshine burst paint from B and Q for the living room, whether I should have porridge or cereal for breakfast, or whether New Order were better than Joy Division but it's not even in the same ballpark, is it?

[no name 1]

I dont mean to try and sound like a big man, but I made the decision to commit my life to someone 4000 miles away while continually being called strange, mad and wierd and i didnt doubt myself once for those years. I didnt 'play around', I didnt look for "better offers", I didnt take liberties that distance would allow or anything like that. I made a bigger commitment in dating in a way than a lot of people do when they move in with each other or get married without "meaning it".

To even write down that you are somehow different because you didn't consider 'taking liberties' or go after 'better offers'???? Well, I'm speechless.

People have said it's been harsh here & maybe that's what you need Teddy. Panic attacks are crippling, I am aware. But they can also be an excuse as well. I think the answer is within and not on VJ. You are either committed to this woman & your lives together (the good, bad & the ugly) or you're not. End of story.

Edited September 11, 2007 by devilette

[Teddy406 0]

I dont mean to try and sound like a big man, but I made the decision to commit my life to someone 4000 miles away while continually being called strange, mad and wierd and i didnt doubt myself once for those years. I didnt 'play around', I didnt look for "better offers", I didnt take liberties that distance would allow or anything like that. I made a bigger commitment in dating in a way than a lot of people do when they move in with each other or get married without "meaning it".

To even write down that you are somehow different because you didn't consider 'taking liberties' or go after 'better offers'???? Well, I'm speechless.

People have said it's been harsh here & maybe that's what you need Teddy. Panic attacks are crippling, I am aware. But they can also be an excuse as well. Good luck. I think the answer is within and not on VJ. You are either committed to this woman & your lives together or you're not. End of story.

hey, Im not saying I'm different to you or anyone in particular but I have seen people behave disgustingly when in a relationship and to have some of them say to me "you could get away with loads of stuff" to me was frankly mind boggling.

I dont believe its a badge of honour, just as "I've never been to prison" isnt. It's what you are supposed to do. I was frankly more shocked at the amount of people I came across whose attitude towards relationships was ####### and were always looking for something better and I pitied them and their supposed others, never happy, always looking for a better option. Awful. It seems that if you have something right there, you take it for granted. Anyone here who has been in a long distance relationship and committed for a long time knows how precious moments and people are, probably more so than anybody else.

My point was even though i didnt have the benefits that some people had who had relationships with people in the same country, such as getting to spend time with them with no heartbreak and longing and tears and missing, but people who had never had to wait months and count down the days to stroke hair or hold hands or feel their SO's breath on their neck seem to have a crapper attitude to relationships and the value of the smallest thing.

So again, it was more my surprise over the years that very few people around me seemed to be in love or know what the word meant, it was just that to them, a word.

My point was that people questioning "Do I really love my fiancée or am I just fond of them", my answer is that "Yes, I do" because i know how she makes me feel from 4000 miles away when people who have people on the doorstep couldnt buy that feeling.

Sorry for any confusion,

teddy

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

Teddy, the only way to move away from all these thoughts becoming one big panicky mess is to break it down. Really analyze where your anxiety is coming from, and deal with the issues one by one, starting with the top priority. Although it seems like all these things (marriage, emmigration etc. ) are interdependant, and on a deadline, really you have plenty of room to manouvre.

Couldn't you go, get married, and if you need to return to the UK (with your fiancee or without) and do the CR-1 process. Take your time, and make sure you're ready? What about not having the big proper wedding right away, but just something to get the paperwork in order, until you're ready. You could have her come to the UK, and put the moving to the US off for a few years. You have all these options, but you have to take fear out of the equation.

I'm just trying to say, find the sources of your problems, and deal with them, one at a time. What is it your so frightened of?

Finally I will say that I recently came to VJ with a problem of my own, and while the good people of VJ offered up great advice, I was always disappointed. Because really, deep down, I already had the answer I was looking for, that I just wanted someone to post. I think in this you probably know what you're going to do already, the problem isn't the decision, it's facing up to it.

[no name 1]

Couldn't you go, get married, and if you need to return to the UK (with your fiancee or without) and do the CR-1 process. Take your time, and make sure you're ready? What about not having the big proper wedding right away, but just something to get the paperwork in order, until you're ready.

There is a lot of misinformation here about marriage/fiance visas and marriage itself.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Teddy --

As someone who suffers from panic disorder, I know the agonies of panic attacks too, too well. And indeed, having not had one in nearly 6 months (after extensive drug and talky-talk therapy I had them in check) the final stages of packing up and leaving the UK brought them back. Biggie style. (I had to go back to the talking doctor for a "top-up"!) Strangely, I was the USC and I was the one more worried -- leaving the security of a fantastic job for freelancing, moving back in with my parents (it is pretty much as bad as I thought), etc etc ad nauseam and then some. This is, I'm afraid, as normal as everyone else.

I'm sure you're aware of the physiology behind panic attacks -- the adrenalin rush kicking in at an inappropriate time, triggering the fight-or-flight response. It mostly signifies nothing, even though it feels like the end of the world or your mind as you know it.

Doing this, all this to-ing and fro-ing and filing of papers and the godforesaken distance -- either between you and your loved one, or as in my case ourselves and our new home -- is too much sometimes. That any of us manage to do it is a testimony to the strength of love and our capacity to endure. You are strong enough to meet the challenge. This is probably the single craziest thing you'll ever do (I know, I've done it twice!) but despite the knocks you'll receive and the pain of wrenching yourself from all that is safe and comfortable, it is also exhilerating and fun and simply amazing. And by your side will be the woman you love so completely.

Doesn't get much better, my friend, than that. You're in my thoughts.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Moving house (never mind country) and getting married are the 2 most stressful things a person can do - don't forget you are trying to do both a once.

[trailmix 77]

If you have ever had a major panic attack, I can tell you its probably the worst experience of your life. After those, I feel different, it's hard to sort out what my rational thoughts and feelings are against my "YOU DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT EVER AGAIN, DO ANYTHING TO AVOID" feelings and thoughts. That's the best way I can describe it, if you add that to the fact that there ARE legitimate concerns for me regarding the enviroment we would be in for reasons I dont want to go into tbh...then well, ugh. I feel burnt out and a mess and need time to recover, which unfortuntely is now more a concern since the issuance of the visa.

9 months is a long time to be apart when you are feeling progressively tense, things change and you arent coping with them together, it's easier to remember the strength you can draw from your SO when they are hugging you and telling you it will be fine as long as you are together, rather then trying to understand over skype as you sit on your own with your head in your hands.

Hi,

I've just read this entire thread and i'm sorry you are in this situation.

In reading, two things stuck out. The first is the panic attack you had. It sounds like it has paralyzed you to some degree. The second is the whole visa/marriage/timeline situation.

You have received a lot of very good advice here and most of it I agree with, however it seems to me that perhaps you need to give yourself a break.

Your life and that of your girlfriend is not dictated by U.S. Immigration, nor is it dictated by your families, it's dictated by you two. You may not feel like you are able to make the move in the next four months - it doesn't matter. You obviously love each other and just because you have gone through the visa process doesn't mean you have to use it.

You probably do need to see each other, why not take the opportunity to fly over and see her and talk and just be together. If you are unable to do that because of your anxiety (or for whatever reason) why not have her fly over to see you.

Something saywhat said is very very true - the immigration part of all this is a 'detail'. You don't have to get married right away, you don't have to go to the U.S. (although even a short trip there isn't a bad idea), she can come to see you and doesn't have to commit to living there. Just because you two might take a more relaxed approach to this doesn't mean it's not real and that it won't work in the long run.

Take care, be easy on yourself.

Edited September 12, 2007 by trailmix

[Teddy406 0]

If you have ever had a major panic attack, I can tell you its probably the worst experience of your life. After those, I feel different, it's hard to sort out what my rational thoughts and feelings are against my "YOU DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT EVER AGAIN, DO ANYTHING TO AVOID" feelings and thoughts. That's the best way I can describe it, if you add that to the fact that there ARE legitimate concerns for me regarding the enviroment we would be in for reasons I dont want to go into tbh...then well, ugh. I feel burnt out and a mess and need time to recover, which unfortuntely is now more a concern since the issuance of the visa.

9 months is a long time to be apart when you are feeling progressively tense, things change and you arent coping with them together, it's easier to remember the strength you can draw from your SO when they are hugging you and telling you it will be fine as long as you are together, rather then trying to understand over skype as you sit on your own with your head in your hands.

Hi,

I've just read this entire thread and i'm sorry you are in this situation.

In reading, two things stuck out. The first is the panic attack you had. It sounds like it has paralyzed you to some degree. The second is the whole visa/marriage/timeline situation.

You have received a lot of very good advice here and most of it I agree with, however it seems to me that perhaps you need to give yourself a break.

Your life and that of your girlfriend is not dictated by U.S. Immigration, nor is it dictated by your families, it's dictated by you two. You may not feel like you are able to make the move in the next four months - it doesn't matter. You obviously love each other and just because you have gone through the visa process doesn't mean you have to use it.

You probably do need to see each other, why not take the opportunity to fly over and see her and talk and just be together. If you are unable to do that because of your anxiety (or for whatever reason) why not have her fly over to see you.

Something saywhat said is very very true - the immigration part of all this is a 'detail'. You don't have to get married right away, you don't have to go to the U.S. (although even a short trip there isn't a bad idea), she can come to see you and doesn't have to commit to living there. Just because you two might take a more relaxed approach to this doesn't mean it's not real and that it won't work in the long run.

Take care, be easy on yourself.

Thank you,

I suggested her coming here (on a extended vacation) but because I've been so out of character and all over the place, my fiancée is a little reluctant to do so if it involves leaving her job, which it may well have to to come visit, so it feels like we are in a paradox. I've had my clock cleaned with anxiety and fear and she is rightfully now a little wary because I have been so out of character and having massive "swings" of mood and decisions.

I did say to her, this is the ONE TIME i wish you were "down the road" so we could just meet up and have some fun outside of all this "life changing pressure and decisions", then I'm sure I/we'd know, so we are working on things.

Teddy.

Edited September 12, 2007 by Teddy406

[Captain Oates 910]

Teddy the reason I like VJ in this kind of forum anyway, is that people are very sincere and I haven't seen a cruel response in this thread yet - I like your style and I think you are intelligent and sincere....

Try another famous website that I am not allowed to mention and all you get is swearing and name calling and grunt-grunt responses. VJ is the tops !

I think you will find that nobody, I mean nobody has just flown off with a big smile and with no problems before or after.

anyone with any imagination does not think marriage is a cert - it's a blank cheque and a hostage to fortune - she might be in a strait jacket trying to bite the warders in 10 years - no guarantee with marriage - to ANYONE

I was a police officer for 6 years in an inner city area in the 1960's and european group finance director for 28 american subsidiary companies for 14 years - you would think I could 'handle' stuff. I can - but this marrying and emigrating and dealing with this cruel immigration process has got me literally shaking with stress right now. So for a young bod like you I am not at all surprised it has your knees knocking.

I have seen people go under through stress and indecision and come back and build a great life.

I have seen people sit and take the boring option for 40 years and I feel sorrier for them that someone who ends up back at home in 3 years divorced and having to start again. At least you have lived life to the full.

I know about panic attacks from someone very close to me - so panicky they can't breathe - seen it.

I know about stress and trauma - I had a woman vomit all over me when I told her that her 15 year old son was drowned.

I had nothing to lose going to the US but I can still remember the 'moment' I decided to really do it - standing on the driveway with a cup of coffee and I just said 'I am going to do this'. I have the picture in my mind of that instant. Now that will come to you when you are good and ready . If it doesn't then that's fine - I know where I would place my money.

ps wait til you do your US driver's test - that will really get you going ! Just kiddin' - It's very satisfying when you conquer it all and look back on it.

alan

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

sorry about my confusint post. This is pretty much exactly what I had wanted to say

Your life and that of your girlfriend is not dictated by U.S. Immigration, nor is it dictated by your families, it's dictated by you two. You may not feel like you are able to make the move in the next four months - it doesn't matter. You obviously love each other and just because you have gone through the visa process doesn't mean you have to use it.

You probably do need to see each other, why not take the opportunity to fly over and see her and talk and just be together. If you are unable to do that because of your anxiety (or for whatever reason) why not have her fly over to see you.

Something saywhat said is very very true - the immigration part of all this is a 'detail'. You don't have to get married right away, you don't have to go to the U.S. (although even a short trip there isn't a bad idea), she can come to see you and doesn't have to commit to living there. Just because you two might take a more relaxed approach to this doesn't mean it's not real and that it won't work in the long run.

[Captain Oates 910]

Back to the original post in this thread, I did K1, went to the U.S. applied for AOS, abandoned it and went back in again on visa waiver to help Carolyn sell her house and put her furniture in store... no problem. It would be a good idea to take evidence of continuing ties...

Also, if the visa has not expired they will check you in as K1 - and if you formally abandon it, and you go visa waiver, take the letter from uscis that acknowledes that (if you ever get it !)

I emailed the London Embassy first and they said it would not be a problem if I was otherwise qualified - ie british Subject and no refusals...

hardest part was convincing the BMI dragon at Manchester airport - SHE tried to ban me but could not find her supervisor to endorse her decision so she reluctantly let me fly....POE in USA very friendly and looked at my return ticket and stamped me in...

lot easier for her to come here for a week..bring her to Darwen, Lancashire and she will feel so sorry for you she will kidnap you and take you back hold luggage...

http://www.blackburn.gov.uk/server.php?show=ConWebDoc.25685

Edited September 12, 2007 by saywhat

[Teddy406 0]

Back to the original post in this thread, I did K1, went to the U.S. applied for AOS, abandoned it and went back in again on visa waiver to help Carolyn sell her house and put her furniture in store... no problem. It would be a good idea to take evidence of continuing ties...

Also, if the visa has not expired they will check you in as K1 - and if you formally abandon it, and you go visa waiver, take the letter from uscis that acknowledes that (if you ever get it !)

I emailed the London Embassy first and they said it would not be a problem if I was otherwise qualified - ie british Subject and no refusals...

hardest part was convincing the BMI dragon at Manchester airport - SHE tried to ban me but could not find her supervisor to endorse her decision so she reluctantly let me fly....POE in USA very friendly and looked at my return ticket and stamped me in...

lot easier for her to come here for a week..bring her to Darwen, Lancashire and she will feel so sorry for you she will kidnap you and take you back hold luggage...

http://www.blackburn.gov.uk/server.php?show=ConWebDoc.25685

thanks, that's nice to know should things need "adjusting"

I'm starting to be able to "figure" this out. I think I can do this, I just need to believe. I dont want to keep flip flopping so I am going to take the advice of "gone", break things down and go for what I truly want as #1 and ignore all the "but, but, buts!!" and the negative "what ifs?" that may never be applicable. You can't worry about what MAY happen, only deal with stuff if it does. I guess if you look on the positive side of things and adapt to situations, you can't lose.

Thanks guys,

Teddy.

[*julez* 124]

Just a quick thought, since I really think you need to see your girl. I noticed your local office in the US is Vermont - does this mean she lives near Canada? You could always fly into Canada and meet up with her there for a weekend to talk things out. She won't have to quit her job and you'll better be able to sort things out.

Good luck, Teddy! I hope you can find a way to believe again.