Adjusting to the New life... and when enough is enough

[deemabrouk 0]

I will also add.. that NO he has Not struck my kids yet.. but screamed at them about being "troubled in the head" to the 5 year old.. and yelling at my 6 year old cause he doesnt really call him "daddy" yet there has been others... but those were to first two that came to mind

and the kids Dont run the house... but.. after we have been fighting for hours and hours.. and the kids want lunch... or need to go to bed.. or they just want some attention.. they will come around and try to "butt in" expressing they are hungry or they miss me..

I dont know.. maybe you guys think i am wrong... BUT they cant cook for them selves.. and I dont think being infront of the TV all day cause we are too busy fighting is good..... OR after they are in camp/ school from 8 am to 6 pm.. they then have to stay away from us cause again... we are fighting.

they are too small to just go somewhere by them selves.. or dont really have friends to hang with.. without me being with them.....

[ya falaha! 0]

How on Earth does he expect these boys to call him "daddy" when he behaves like a beast? I really hope your counseling sessions work out and help open his eyes to his repugnant behavior.

Edited August 8, 2007 by moody

[tmma 467]

I will also add.. that NO he has Not struck my kids yet.. but screamed at them about being "troubled in the head" to the 5 year old.. and yelling at my 6 year old cause he doesnt really call him "daddy" yet there has been others... but those were to first two that came to mind

and the kids Dont run the house... but.. after we have been fighting for hours and hours.. and the kids want lunch... or need to go to bed.. or they just want some attention.. they will come around and try to "butt in" expressing they are hungry or they miss me..

I dont know.. maybe you guys think i am wrong... BUT they cant cook for them selves.. and I dont think being infront of the TV all day cause we are too busy fighting is good..... OR after they are in camp/ school from 8 am to 6 pm.. they then have to stay away from us cause again... we are fighting.

they are too small to just go somewhere by them selves.. or dont really have friends to hang with.. without me being with them.....

He is expecting them to call him "Daddy"?????????????? #######. He neither sounds like he deserves nor has earned the trust from those kids to get that honour!

Really, I don't know why you applied for his AOS....If he is soooooooooooooo unhappy, why doesn't he do you all a favour and get a fast flight back to Cairo?Sorry, but that's honestly what went through my mind.

to you.

[peezey 0]

Man, I have been working on getting my fiance here for two years. What I wouldn't do to get him here. Even fighting with him every day seems a whole hell of a lot better then having him on the other side of the world. I would love to have a real relationship where I could fight with him and get irritated by the things he does instead of this ghost email/phone call/inet chat relationship we have to slog through. At least if we are near each other we have a chance. Sheesh, appreciate what you have.

Sheesh, you must have really low standards if this is what is OK with you.

Edited August 8, 2007 by peezey

[peezey 0]

Someone posted this above & it is soooo true........Nothing good comes easy.

Adjusting to a brand new life must be difficult to say the least.......a new country, a new home, a new family, a new partner, a new language, a new everything......

You are both going through major changes and not being able to work is VERY difficult for a man........especially a MENA man.......and I'm not making excuses for any anger or frustration.......but in the same time.....I think it's totally understandable.........I mean, I wouldn't exactly be the most pleasant person to be around either if I was unemployed and unable to find work......

I agree that you should perhaps wait until he gets the EAD and begins working.....it'll give you a deeper insight into his personality because you'll be able to assess whether or not his current behavior is just temporary & due to not being able to provide.

And perhaps take a little bit of alone time to think about why, just a few months ago, you couldn't wait to be with him......think about all the things you loved about him......are those things still there........do you still love those things.......are those things no where to be found........are they covered by frustration????

I really hope things get better for you Dee.

Nothing good comes easy? What kind of b.s. do we tell ourselves to believe this? Lots of good things come easy, it just depends on what your standards are and what you expect for yourself, your life, your kids.

[JenT 0]

Man, I have been working on getting my fiance here for two years. What I wouldn't do to get him here. Even fighting with him every day seems a whole hell of a lot better then having him on the other side of the world. I would love to have a real relationship where I could fight with him and get irritated by the things he does instead of this ghost email/phone call/inet chat relationship we have to slog through. At least if we are near each other we have a chance. Sheesh, appreciate what you have.

Sheesh, you must have really low standards if this is what is OK with you.

Good point. Hopefully, she was just trying to make a point, though.

[peezey 0]

i agree with you all.. the kids DO come first... And he does get jealous over them and that is not cool at all..

I keep on telling him "they are 5 & 6 !!!! " but i guess he doesnt get it..

Cultural difference come into play also.. in America you (for the most part) gotta talk things out with the kids now.. Time outs.. taking things away.. You cant Old School it and beat your kids when they act up. In egypt you could spank/ smack your kids in the street - but NOT here!. AND my kids are used to being in bed at 830 pm.. He justs upset cause I "lock" him in the house.. cause after dinner he wants to "go out".. but then they have to get ready for bath, bed, etc. In egypt it was common to see the kids running around at Midnight.... but not in the states.... or at least in my home. I think to him he thinks I am picking them over him... which is NOT the case.

Even if I have to "interrupt" our talks aka arguments to cook food for them or cause they simply want attention cause we have ben fighting for HOURS.. I am putting THEM before him

who knows... these past few days things have come to a boiling point

we'll see what happens in the near future

thank you guys for your advice and support

I know no other phrase for this except bullshi! He knew you had kids. I don't care if they run around at midnight in Egypt. You talked and chatted for a long time, he knows your schedule.

This guy is a selfish brat and he clearly has no intention of changing.

[*JG* 2]

I'm just so sorry for you. The time of adjustment is long and just as difficult as the visa process. While not experiencing the exact same things as you, I do know there are so many issues we just don't think about beforehand....lost in the euphoria of an approved visa.

It sounds like he is being very selfish and acting spoiled right now. He MUST grow up and get over some of that if you are going to work anything out. I would not dare think of my kids calling Andre "daddy" cause he isn't and they have a father of their own. Luckily, my kids adore Andre and vice versa and they have a great step-relationship. If he gives them some time, I think you could one day you could say the same.

If you want my honest opinion, you have to worry about yourself and your kids. As you said, they are small and need you. He is not. He is a man. And, I think he needs to start acting like one.

[peezey 0]

I will also add.. that NO he has Not struck my kids yet.. but screamed at them about being "troubled in the head" to the 5 year old.. and yelling at my 6 year old cause he doesnt really call him "daddy" yet there has been others... but those were to first two that came to mind

and the kids Dont run the house... but.. after we have been fighting for hours and hours.. and the kids want lunch... or need to go to bed.. or they just want some attention.. they will come around and try to "butt in" expressing they are hungry or they miss me..

I dont know.. maybe you guys think i am wrong... BUT they cant cook for them selves.. and I dont think being infront of the TV all day cause we are too busy fighting is good..... OR after they are in camp/ school from 8 am to 6 pm.. they then have to stay away from us cause again... we are fighting.

they are too small to just go somewhere by them selves.. or dont really have friends to hang with.. without me being with them.....

Dee, you aren't wrong thinking the kids need time and they shouldn't be around all that fighting. They don't deserve it, and what is it solving anyway?

He is being an absolute jerk. There is really no other way to say it. The kids really need to be away from him.

[deemabrouk 0]

I will also add.. that NO he has Not struck my kids yet.. but screamed at them about being "troubled in the head" to the 5 year old.. and yelling at my 6 year old cause he doesnt really call him "daddy" yet there has been others... but those were to first two that came to mind

and the kids Dont run the house... but.. after we have been fighting for hours and hours.. and the kids want lunch... or need to go to bed.. or they just want some attention.. they will come around and try to "butt in" expressing they are hungry or they miss me..

I dont know.. maybe you guys think i am wrong... BUT they cant cook for them selves.. and I dont think being infront of the TV all day cause we are too busy fighting is good..... OR after they are in camp/ school from 8 am to 6 pm.. they then have to stay away from us cause again... we are fighting.

they are too small to just go somewhere by them selves.. or dont really have friends to hang with.. without me being with them.....

He is expecting them to call him "Daddy"?????????????? #######. He neither sounds like he deserves nor has earned the trust from those kids to get that honour!

Really, I don't know why you applied for his AOS....If he is soooooooooooooo unhappy, why doesn't he do you all a favour and get a fast flight back to Cairo?Sorry, but that's honestly what went through my mind.

to you.

well too be honest.. I never thought his behavior would stay like this past the first week, 2nd week, third week.. Now going onto the 4th week... And I wanted to send it in before the price increase..

Everyone warned me it would be a bumpy ride.. So i thought the first week or two would be it.. But I dont see ANY change in the pattern of behavior

I am thankful that Yesterday we had a 5 HOUR session with a religious leader... I am trying to see if this will pull through.. BUT if things stay the same for much longer.. well... I cant live in a home like this..

I wrote about this is another thread... but our Imam gives us One week for ANY sign of change... to see if there is ANY chance for our future

Edited August 8, 2007 by deemabrouk

[MHandMB 0]

Good luck, Dee. I really hope things turn around and he starts being a good husband again.

[rebeccajo 14]

Dee...

It doesn't sound like you are angry about what I wrote. I hope not because I surely didn't want that to happen. Like you, I brought my husband into a 'ready made' family. There are some big differences - I have one child compared to your two, and my son was 16 when Wes arrived. But it was a ready-made family nonetheless.

I've had trouble 'balancing' the needs of my son with the return of a man to the household. I never wanted my husband to feel that my sons needs outweighed those of the entire household. As single mothers, I think we do tend to sort of 'disappear' as people - we focus on our kids. I have had to remind myself often that now we are a FAMILY and one person can't have dominion. IMO that includes the man - he doesn't need to be 'ruling the roost' anymore than kids need to 'running' it. One for all and all for one makes a happy household - at least in my book.

I know nothing about the family dynamic in the Middle East. Perhaps the male is the dominant force in the household and that is part of your husband's problem. Are there cultural issues like that at play? Maybe I'm wrong.

I often muse to a very understanding VJ friend of mine that you ladies with ME husbands probably have a rougher go of it than the rest of us. Your men come from more traditional backgrounds. Their countries are very different than the US. I don't mean to sound like a moron and certainly don't mean to sound bigoted. I merely mean to suggest that the US wife is probably in for more confusion than the US wives of western European men. And the ME husband will need to work harder at adapting and being flexible than a European man might.

No man should expect to be called 'Daddy' by another man's children. I hope your Iman explained that to him. You state that you and your husband do have some 'alone' time, and it sounds like its regularly scheduled. Your husband - if he is going to be a 'father' needs to understand that you are trying to BALANCE.

In my opinion, he should be trying to give you credit for that, rather than demanding more.

I hope you see some improvement soon. I've had this thread on my mind for 36 hours now. I really hope things get better.

Becca

[deemabrouk 0]

Dee...

It doesn't sound like you are angry about what I wrote. I hope not because I surely didn't want that to happen. Like you, I brought my husband into a 'ready made' family. There are some big differences - I have one child compared to your two, and my son was 16 when Wes arrived. But it was a ready-made family nonetheless.

I've had trouble 'balancing' the needs of my son with the return of a man to the household. I never wanted my husband to feel that my sons needs outweighed those of the entire household. As single mothers, I think we do tend to sort of 'disappear' as people - we focus on our kids. I have had to remind myself often that now we are a FAMILY and one person can't have dominion. IMO that includes the man - he doesn't need to be 'ruling the roost' anymore than kids need to 'running' it. One for all and all for one makes a happy household - at least in my book.

I know nothing about the family dynamic in the Middle East. Perhaps the male is the dominant force in the household and that is part of your husband's problem. Are there cultural issues like that at play? Maybe I'm wrong.

I often muse to a very understanding VJ friend of mine that you ladies with ME husbands probably have a rougher go of it than the rest of us. Your men come from more traditional backgrounds. Their countries are very different than the US. I don't mean to sound like a moron and certainly don't mean to sound bigoted. I merely mean to suggest that the US wife is probably in for more confusion than the US wives of western European men. And the ME husband will need to work harder at adapting and being flexible than a European man might.

No man should expect to be called 'Daddy' by another man's children. I hope your Iman explained that to him. You state that you and your husband do have some 'alone' time, and it sounds like its regularly scheduled. Your husband - if he is going to be a 'father' needs to understand that you are trying to BALANCE.

In my opinion, he should be trying to give you credit for that, rather than demanding more.

I hope you see some improvement soon. I've had this thread on my mind for 36 hours now. I really hope things get better.

Becca

thank you I was not offended BUT felt I need to clarify alittle more...

and the thing with my sons.. and the calling Daddy thing is that my ex has been Gone from the beginning.. so the kids NEVER had a male in the house.. It was just me.. solo.. 100%. I left my ex cause of his abuse.. and vowed to never put my kids in a abusive home.. They have always wanted a "daddy" BUT my oldest has his reservations.. which is COMPLETELY normal.. I never asked that they called him daddy.. But my youngest has craved for one ever since he found out what one was

[Fandango 1,439]

Dee, there's a big difference to a step family dynamic when the kids are being bratty and going through that 'teen' thing....but 5 and 6? If your children are locking the doors in fear of him, I think you already know what the right thing to do is. I felt sick when I read you say 'he hasn't hit the kids yet'

yes, tough oh little one under normal adjustments....but this kind of verbal abuse is beyond that scope. This is not just chalked up to your husband being a 'brat' or anything else....he is probably mentally harming your children, and they are at too young an age to help themselves.

If you want to subject yourself to that, that's your choice...but please, for the sake of your children....get them away from him.

[Nearly Done 8]

Dee,

You sound like a very strong lady who is not going to allow your kids to put up with needless #######! I agree that we should put children first, we brought them into this world and they are our responsibility ofcourse they will gain responsibility once they mature! What they go through now WILL affect them later in life, LisaD is right when she mentioned your hubby mentally harming them. It sounds to me like you are trying very hard to balance things and be fair. Probably more fair to hubby at the moment but that is understandable as you are trying your best to help him adjust

My advice and ofcourse it is only advice, would be to put your foot down now and tell hubby he has to agree NEVER to argue or raise in voice in front of the children again. He has only just got here, they are too young to understand an adults frustrations! Yes he has frustrations and that I can understand but he has to learn to be patient and take one day at a time. He needs to occupy his mind with positive thoughts until he is allowed to "follow his dreams" Make him do jobs around the house, tell him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat. Your working your ### off to keep the household going, and he is not being at all fair to you.

I admire you and I hope things work out, I truly do. Another thing when my kids were little they had to put up with my ex, he was mentally abusive in front of them,not physically, but believe me it affected them. We talk about it to this day and I feel guilty that I let them go through that. So glad you can see what is happening now and yes the kids do come first.

best wishes

Margy