Messy Situation

[browngirl 2]

1 hour ago, Bob in Boston said:

Who had the Relapse, You, your Husband or your Son?

Hi, My spouse had the relapse, he was in recovery when we met, sober for years, and then when I lost my job, I was the sole earner, and asked him to help financially, he couldn't as he was doing his Phd he said, and relapsed on the pills he was taking for his phd and then other stuff..  I had a failed IVF, a lost job, and was stressed and argued with him about getting a job as he was the white American male in Asia, I couldn't even find a job then, he left and went to be with his mom for a bit so he wouldn't be a financial burden to us and said he would prep for us to come there, and up until now, he was going through with it so I do not know what happened to him and why he is treating us this way suddenly, he did mention he is scared about the college expenses and I told him I already have a plan to pay his fees and am wondering if that is the reason he is worried.. ? 

[browngirl 2]

19 hours ago, carmel34 said:

This is the core issue you need to come to terms with, to make the difficult decision whether you really want to be with this man, move to the US to live and make a life together with him.  It sounds like his demands for moving forward with the spousal visa process are unreasonable, isn't that a big red flag that he is trying to control and manipulate you?  Are you prepared to be manipulated in this way just to get to the US?  Only you can make this decision, but you should be concerned about your own emotional well-being and happiness, not just the ability of your son to attend university in the US.  There are lots of good universities in other countries that your son could attend, and from the description of your career, you could move somewhere else without your husband, divorce him, and move on with your life.  So sorry you are going through all of this, but my suggestion is to ask him nicely, one more time, to move the spousal visa forward.  If he refuses, divorce him and be grateful you found out now, before you move to the US, that he is a bad person.  Good luck and stay strong!

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding, that is exactly what I woke up thinking, I will give it one more shot and leave it to God. I was trying to get there because I could see no other way to save my marriage, I didn't marry for 14 years after I divorced my first husband, I was very judicious about dating as I didn't want to marry any Tom D or H that came my way as I had a son,  and when I met him I really believed that it was a God thing, that we were meant to be, and he told me the same, he hadn't married anyone, he was 42 when we married., he said he was meant to be a role model for my son..  I don't take marriage or love lightly and so it has been an especially hard thing to accept that he maybe does not love me anymore... and does not care about me, but why on earth would he adopt my son and drag him into this as well.. it all does not make sense and I have to trust that it will all work out the way it is meant to. 

[Bob in Boston 630]

1 hour ago, browngirl said:

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding, that is exactly what I woke up thinking, I will give it one more shot and leave it to God. I was trying to get there because I could see no other way to save my marriage, I didn't marry for 14 years after I divorced my first husband, I was very judicious about dating as I didn't want to marry any Tom D or H that came my way as I had a son,  and when I met him I really believed that it was a God thing, that we were meant to be, and he told me the same, he hadn't married anyone, he was 42 when we married., he said he was meant to be a role model for my son..  I don't take marriage or love lightly and so it has been an especially hard thing to accept that he maybe does not love me anymore... and does not care about me, but why on earth would he adopt my son and drag him into this as well.. it all does not make sense and I have to trust that it will all work out the way it is meant to. 

People who are drug addicts only think of themselves and where their next fix comes from. This is not the real him you are seeing. If he gets sober again the real him will appear again. You need to ask yourself some questions though..... do YOU really want to deal with this your whole life. Addicts dont get better they just control their urges and can lose control anytime.

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

From what you wrote (that's all we have to go on), it sounds like your husband is having doubts/cold feet.  But you seem to be more concerned with getting your son into a US college than fixing whatever is broken with your relationship.

[browngirl 2]

1 hour ago, Eric-Pris said:

From what you wrote (that's all we have to go on), it sounds like your husband is having doubts/cold feet.  But you seem to be more concerned with getting your son into a US college than fixing whatever is broken with your relationship.

I see why that would appear so to you. I thought this was a visa related forum for visa related stuff.  not a forum on what I am doing to fix my relationship.