Wife wants to move to Seattle

[chuckandkim 0]

Nothing new here Phong!

All wives who move here from VN, with respectable job or what not back in Vietnam will feel inadequate and useless from seating at home all day and do nothing all week. My wife's uncle lives in Houston, I asked her if she wants to move there if the opportunity comes up, she responds: I move where you move! And that is how it should be! My response to hers: doesn't matter where we live, as long as we have each other. The possibilty of us moving to Japan or back to VN is also included in our future plan.

But after 3 months being here Phong, you need to make it clear to her that it is NOT easy, eventhough logistically speaking it is, to move! She has known nothing yet about America and here she's already making demand, planning for her great career in the future? Give me a break! I must agree with you about the move may be seen by relatives and parents as a huge betray on your part It's an Asian cultural mentality that we'll never understand. Asian parents take it as an insult if their children don't want to live in the same house/town/area the parents do. Dishonoring, in fact!

my thoughts to you: explain to her, you will think about it, for now she need to focus on getting her GC and getting her EAD and all the legal documents first before thinking about moving somewhere else! Hair Stylist, great career for a HS Drop-out, not someone with College education, IMO! Plus, from the first 3 months until the 2nd or 3rd anniversary, she will change her mind on her future career. Ask your vietnamese brothers in Asia - East and Pacific board, they'll tell you! So, just take your time and guide her through this confusing and all so too new environment for her!!!!

Good luck and tell her we can visit your sister next month but not moving there!

chuck and kim

[CK&Tydi 0]

Nothing new here Phong!

All wives who move here from VN, with respectable job or what not back in Vietnam will feel inadequate and useless from seating at home all day and do nothing all week. My wife's uncle lives in Houston, I asked her if she wants to move there if the opportunity comes up, she responds: I move where you move! And that is how it should be! My response to hers: doesn't matter where we live, as long as we have each other. The possibilty of us moving to Japan or back to VN is also included in our future plan.

But after 3 months being here Phong, you need to make it clear to her that it is NOT easy, eventhough logistically speaking it is, to move! She has known nothing yet about America and here she's already making demand, planning for her great career in the future? Give me a break! I must agree with you about the move may be seen by relatives and parents as a huge betray on your part It's an Asian cultural mentality that we'll never understand. Asian parents take it as an insult if their children don't want to live in the same house/town/area the parents do. Dishonoring, in fact!

my thoughts to you: explain to her, you will think about it, for now she need to focus on getting her GC and getting her EAD and all the legal documents first before thinking about moving somewhere else! Hair Stylist, great career for a HS Drop-out, not someone with College education, IMO! Plus, from the first 3 months until the 2nd or 3rd anniversary, she will change her mind on her future career. Ask your vietnamese brothers in Asia - East and Pacific board, they'll tell you! So, just take your time and guide her through this confusing and all so too new environment for her!!!!

Good luck and tell her we can visit your sister next month but not moving there!

chuck and kim

Chuck and Kim, I do agree with you on this issue too. Hair and Nail carreer will fit right with those HS dropout. It is a bad environment to have your newly wed wife to be in. People in that work environment will give her bad influent and more trouble will come when she works there. FOr the most part, she just want to be close to her Sister. Phong you have to explain to her, Moving to different place is not as easy as she thinks.. Not like in Vietnam, it will involve a lot of stuff. IT's not like taking a vacation, few months off to some places.

From her point, the excuse she got is not reasonable enough. I know you try to be very supportive to her but have she thought about you and both of your future together not because she got bore and just want to find the happiness for herself only.

Just take your time to guide her and send her back to school or get something for her to do. Have a baby then it will kill all her free time. YOu have to explain to her, even if she go to Seatle. Her sister got her own family to worry about, they will have enough time for her.

If she loves you, she will have to learn how to compromise. That's how realationship will work.

Edited June 15, 2007 by CK&Tydi

[athena_ny 1]

Nothing new here Phong!

All wives who move here from VN, with respectable job or what not back in Vietnam will feel inadequate and useless from seating at home all day and do nothing all week. My wife's uncle lives in Houston, I asked her if she wants to move there if the opportunity comes up, she responds: I move where you move! And that is how it should be! My response to hers: doesn't matter where we live, as long as we have each other. The possibilty of us moving to Japan or back to VN is also included in our future plan.

But after 3 months being here Phong, you need to make it clear to her that it is NOT easy, eventhough logistically speaking it is, to move! She has known nothing yet about America and here she's already making demand, planning for her great career in the future? Give me a break! I must agree with you about the move may be seen by relatives and parents as a huge betray on your part It's an Asian cultural mentality that we'll never understand. Asian parents take it as an insult if their children don't want to live in the same house/town/area the parents do. Dishonoring, in fact!

my thoughts to you: explain to her, you will think about it, for now she need to focus on getting her GC and getting her EAD and all the legal documents first before thinking about moving somewhere else! Hair Stylist, great career for a HS Drop-out, not someone with College education, IMO! Plus, from the first 3 months until the 2nd or 3rd anniversary, she will change her mind on her future career. Ask your vietnamese brothers in Asia - East and Pacific board, they'll tell you! So, just take your time and guide her through this confusing and all so too new environment for her!!!!

Good luck and tell her we can visit your sister next month but not moving there!

chuck and kim

Chuck and Kim, I do agree with you on this issue too. Hair and Nail carreer will fit right with those HS dropout. It is a bad environment to have your newly wed wife to be in. People in that work environment will give her bad influent and more trouble will come when she works there. FOr the most part, she just want to be close to her Sister. Phong you have to explain to her, Moving to different place is not as easy as she thinks.. Not like in Vietnam, it will involve a lot of stuff. IT's not like taking a vacation, few months off to some places.

From her point, the excuse she got is not reasonable enough. I know you try to be very supportive to her but have she thought about you and both of your future together not because she got bore and just want to find the happiness for herself only.

Just take your time to guide her and send her back to school or get something for her to do. Have a baby then it will kill all her free time. YOu have to explain to her, even if she go to Seatle. Her sister got her own family to worry about, they will have enough time for her.

If she loves you, she will have to learn how to compromise. That's how realationship will work.

Oh good Lord. I have no words. "Have a baby and it will kill all her free time?"

Phhhhht.

[chuckandkim 0]

What's wrong with that???? Having a baby is the result of hardwork and sweaty sex with lot of love!!!! It's true if you DO end up having a child, her freetime is OVER and so is yours!!!

[CK&Tydi 0]

What's wrong with that???? Having a baby is the result of hardwork and sweaty sex with lot of love!!!! It's true if you DO end up having a child, her freetime is OVER and so is yours!!!

Amen brother!!!!

[ivona 0]

Nothing new here Phong!

All wives who move here from VN, with respectable job or what not back in Vietnam will feel inadequate and useless from seating at home all day and do nothing all week. My wife's uncle lives in Houston, I asked her if she wants to move there if the opportunity comes up, she responds: I move where you move! And that is how it should be! My response to hers: doesn't matter where we live, as long as we have each other. The possibilty of us moving to Japan or back to VN is also included in our future plan.

But after 3 months being here Phong, you need to make it clear to her that it is NOT easy, eventhough logistically speaking it is, to move! She has known nothing yet about America and here she's already making demand, planning for her great career in the future? Give me a break! I must agree with you about the move may be seen by relatives and parents as a huge betray on your part It's an Asian cultural mentality that we'll never understand. Asian parents take it as an insult if their children don't want to live in the same house/town/area the parents do. Dishonoring, in fact!

my thoughts to you: explain to her, you will think about it, for now she need to focus on getting her GC and getting her EAD and all the legal documents first before thinking about moving somewhere else! Hair Stylist, great career for a HS Drop-out, not someone with College education, IMO! Plus, from the first 3 months until the 2nd or 3rd anniversary, she will change her mind on her future career. Ask your vietnamese brothers in Asia - East and Pacific board, they'll tell you! So, just take your time and guide her through this confusing and all so too new environment for her!!!!

Good luck and tell her we can visit your sister next month but not moving there!

chuck and kim

Chuck and Kim, I do agree with you on this issue too. Hair and Nail carreer will fit right with those HS dropout. It is a bad environment to have your newly wed wife to be in. People in that work environment will give her bad influent and more trouble will come when she works there. FOr the most part, she just want to be close to her Sister. Phong you have to explain to her, Moving to different place is not as easy as she thinks.. Not like in Vietnam, it will involve a lot of stuff. IT's not like taking a vacation, few months off to some places.

From her point, the excuse she got is not reasonable enough. I know you try to be very supportive to her but have she thought about you and both of your future together not because she got bore and just want to find the happiness for herself only.

Just take your time to guide her and send her back to school or get something for her to do. Have a baby then it will kill all her free time. YOu have to explain to her, even if she go to Seatle. Her sister got her own family to worry about, they will have enough time for her.

If she loves you, she will have to learn how to compromise. That's how realationship will work.

I find it seriously disturbing that anyone can make statements like these and actually mean every word of it.....

Cultural differences aside, if she just moved to US and she has this one tie to her family in the form of her sister she does not need any sort of "excuse" to want to be close to her. There are plenty of immigrants on this board (me included) who would just about jump to the opportunity of having a brother or sister close to them- it is one bond that would not have to be streched over long distance calling, and emails, and photos that can never replace the real thing. Dumping a baby on her will help how exactly?

IMHO, telling her that you do not wish to leave your parents when she has left her parents and everyone else who mattered in her life for you is insensitive to say the least.

[chuckandkim 0]

How about: asking the sister to drop everything and move to CT? Well, sound reasonable on the flipside!!! As far as I see it, both Phong and the sister are well established americans in America, either can do what the other may not! But the truth is, no matter how easy it seems, up everything and move to a different State is a BIG FREAKING deal! All his wife may think and see right now is: what's the big deal, I ready to go, 2 suitcases from Vietnam which I can pack in an hour. Leave the fact that Phong has his livelihood tided to CT for the longest time, all his life!

In all honesty, don't use the "i leave everything back home to come here for you" card off the table! The risk is all in Phong's deck! She should wait and weather out the new life with Phong. She has her whole life with her sister in her younger day, why not cherrish that back then and all of the sudden now it's the need to live closer to her sister. Phong needs to live closer to his parents too. The problem I see here is she needs to learn to share the burden, ask for his opinion and not to demand it. Like it or not, Phong is still the ultimate decision maker and one who responsible for her's wellbeing here in the States. Now matter what you say, if sheeeit happens to her, Phong's the one who foot the bill and have to fix everything right!

Nobody uses the "having a baby" as an exit to the problem here. Not sure if it is truely a problem but seems to me it is just an initial emotional feeling and wanting to be closer to her sister. Little that she knows, her sister has changed during the years living here in America without her being aside. Her sister may have other responsibilities and obligations and her own enjoyment that Phong's wife is NOT a part of it. Moving closer to a sister or brother after years of not being together is good and also dangerous thing to do. Phong's wife's expectation could be very high, thinking "oh, it's just like the old day in Vietnam, you me we are sisters taking care each other!" NO, it is NOT how it was like in Vietnam! Better education and clear career path is better than working in nailsalon while having a baby!

That's just me! Like it or not, i don't let people run my life. Be or leader of your family, the protector and providor of your household or else, you are just a pushover and lose all respect which your wife is looking for in her husband. NO, culturaly speaking, you can brush it aside in Asian culture!

[Galateia 1]

The way I see it, you and her are equal partners in this relationship, and have equal say in where you live.

I think it is fair for you to ask her to stay until you get all of your paperwork settled, but then consider a move. I am a little surprised that your wife's desire to see a friendly face in a strange land (specifically, her sister's face) is not being viewed as inevitable and totally reasonable. Your wife probably feels completely isolated, defrocked of status, and worst of all, dependent on you for all of her needs: financial, social, emotional. While that might be fine for soap operas and Hollywood movies and Beatles songs (All you need is love!) humans need more than just a spouse to feel fulfilled. (Thank you, Mazlov.)

I understand from the Vietnamese-Canadians I know that there is a strong expectation to be in some respects beholden to your parents all your life. Any sign of independence can be met with mixed results. I would imagine it's applicable to Vietnamese-Americans. It's true that people from a different culture cannot empathize with that kind of expectation. That being said, she has abandoned hers for you. You said this would be a temporary move; you two go off to Seattle while she 'goes to school' so to speak, and then you return to CT to be with your parents. You are not sacrificing your job or mortgage to do so, you have already said there is nothing holding you back save for your parent's feelings, but this would be temporary. I do not see this as unreasonable.

You have so many bonds in this country, I think it is fair to allow your wife to make some of her own. Having a miserable wife will not make your life easy, and you have to live with her, whereas you don't have to live with your parents.

And for the person who seriously suggested that he knock her up to get rid of her free time and therefore her right to complain: the Dark Ages called; they want their handbook back.

[athena_ny 1]

What's wrong with that???? Having a baby is the result of hardwork and sweaty sex with lot of love!!!! It's true if you DO end up having a child, her freetime is OVER and so is yours!!!

Saying "have a baby" to quell what she wants so he never has to make any compromises is disgusting and stupid.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

The way I see it, you and her are equal partners in this relationship, and have equal say in where you live.

I think it is fair for you to ask her to stay until you get all of your paperwork settled, but then consider a move. I am a little surprised that your wife's desire to see a friendly face in a strange land (specifically, her sister's face) is not being viewed as inevitable and totally reasonable. Your wife probably feels completely isolated, defrocked of status, and worst of all, dependent on you for all of her needs: financial, social, emotional. While that might be fine for soap operas and Hollywood movies and Beatles songs (All you need is love!) humans need more than just a spouse to feel fulfilled. (Thank you, Mazlov.)

I understand from the Vietnamese-Canadians I know that there is a strong expectation to be in some respects beholden to your parents all your life. Any sign of independence can be met with mixed results. I would imagine it's applicable to Vietnamese-Americans. It's true that people from a different culture cannot empathize with that kind of expectation. That being said, she has abandoned hers for you. You said this would be a temporary move; you two go off to Seattle while she 'goes to school' so to speak, and then you return to CT to be with your parents. You are not sacrificing your job or mortgage to do so, you have already said there is nothing holding you back save for your parent's feelings, but this would be temporary. I do not see this as unreasonable.

You have so many bonds in this country, I think it is fair to allow your wife to make some of her own. Having a miserable wife will not make your life easy, and you have to live with her, whereas you don't have to live with your parents.

And for the person who seriously suggested that he knock her up to get rid of her free time and therefore her right to complain: the Dark Ages called; they want their handbook back.

Amen Galateia!!!!

Dear Phong & Mai,

Your marriage is yours, and so are your and your wife's cultural understandings of the world - which is extremely relevant in all our cases. I do understand both your sides, and am sure that, being both educated and reasonable adults as you both are, you will come to a compromise. Whatever it is, I am sure you will make this decision between you two - without much regard for my or other peoples' opinions.

As per baby... that's another decision to be made between you and Mai. Not between us and you... me thinksss.

We are moving to Seattle to be closer to Bren's parents. So... if you make the move do tell.

Good luck my friend, and may love and understanding remain with you both!!!!

Len.

[Fandango 1,440]

I feel compelled to stand up for those in the beauty field. Yes, you can get a job in the field without a college education, but any of the jobs in this field require skill and lots of knowledge...from chemistry to biology. The notion of the 'mindless dropouts who are bad influences' is not really what comprises the beauty industry as many take their careers very seriously.

Do I sound defensive? Prolly. I have been a licensed nail technician for over 10 years. I worked all through college doing so...all the while filing tax returns at 17 of over $40k a year. No, it's not great money for a full grown adult, but that was at the start of my career . At the time I left the industry, I was nationally ranked, as well as having had my work published in many trade magazines. I spent countless hours researching, improving my craft, traveling to go to shows to learn about the newest products, techniques, etc...and also being req'd by the state to take courses on physiology and the makeup of communicable diseases.

I talk about myself because I feel like I am a good example of many in the field...not a hs dropout, not stupid nor a bad influence....and one who regarded the profession as a career, not just some job.

And yes, I continued to work in the field AFTER college because the money was incomparable.

So although that is not what this thread is about....please don't make disparaging comments about the people in the beauty industry. It's a hard job...and it DOES require intelligence.

OP, as to your problem...I don't know what to tell you...I understand your wife may want to apprentice with her sister...but maybe before you make that step, talk to your wife about enrolling in a local beauty school first? She could get licensed in your state first...then perhaps if you want to move later, she can check if there's any reciprocity between CT and WA. It would give her something her own to occupy her time!

Edited June 17, 2007 by LisaD

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I feel compelled to stand up for those in the beauty field. Yes, you can get a job in the field without a college education, but any of the jobs in this field require skill and lots of knowledge...from chemistry to biology. The notion of the 'mindless dropouts who are bad influences' is not really what comprises the beauty industry as many take their careers very seriously.

Do I sound defensive? Prolly. I have been a licensed nail technician for over 10 years. I worked all through college doing so...all the while filing tax returns at 17 of over $40k a year. No, it's not great money for a full grown adult, but that was at the start of my career . At the time I left the industry, I was nationally ranked, as well as having had my work published in many trade magazines. I spent countless hours researching, improving my craft, traveling to go to shows to learn about the newest products, techniques, etc...and also being req'd by the state to take courses on physiology and the makeup of communicable diseases.

I talk about myself because I feel like I am a good example of many in the field...not a hs dropout, not stupid nor a bad influence....and one who regarded the profession as a career, not just some job.

And yes, I continued to work in the field AFTER college because the money was incomparable.

So although that is not what this thread is about....please don't make disparaging comments about the people in the beauty industry. It's a hard job...and it DOES require intelligence.

Forgot to mention that in my previous post - indeed, the beauty industry is NOT something "bimbo only" and it requires dedication and continuous improvement and learning! Hey! I have a couple of friends in the field and they make more money than I do teaching in higher education!

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Something else to consider Phong: What is Mai's college degree in? Has she had her credentials evaluated? Maybe looking into this and seeing more opportunities in her field will help her feel much better about herself - Seattle or no Seattle.

Best, L.

[vanee 13]

I understand your wife may want to apprentice with her sister...but maybe before you make that step, talk to your wife about enrolling in a local beauty school first? She could get licensed in your state first...then perhaps if you want to move later, she can check if there's any reciprocity between CT and WA. It would give her something her own to occupy her time!

That ties in with the suggestion I was going to make. You could suggest that you stay together where you are for, say, 6 months, and move then if she still wants to move after that time. That'll give her time to adjust and hope if she still feels that she has to be with her sister. And maybe during that time, she'll decide that moving isn't such a good idea after all. Or not. But whatever you decide together, it'll be less out of immediate emotion after a few months.

[Nikita2Charles 33]

3 months is a very short time, she's still going through the homesick process, missing her family, friends, so being in seattle would kinda ease it up a little bit, but the main thing now it's the 2 of you. Are you living with your parents or live alone but they live nearby? in any case a compromise between a few days of vacation to seattle, and come to a decision that's best for both of you, not for you parents, not for her sister, both of you as a couple