Just Because I Can ...

[hampster 0]

Update Your Online Dictionary

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that,

everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power,

is defeated by feminine water power.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks,

nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: books which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You,

actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway

"See I am not injured yet."

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually ,

and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Deep Observations On Life

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,

do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children. --Author Unknown

Oh, you hate your job?

Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

The problem with the designated driver program,

it's not a desirable job but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.

At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life,

she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering,

if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,

they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you,

they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out,

in the lake and threw her off the boat.

I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim'." --Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O Brien

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started.

Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,

but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

Old" Is When.....

Your other half says, Let's go upstairs and make love,

and you answer, Pick one, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

How To Stay Young

Throw out nonessential numbers.

This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.

That is why you pay " them " .

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.

Never let the brain idle.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop.

And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

Enjoy the simple things.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Be ALIVE while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love,

Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.

If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,

even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,

but by the moments that take our breath away.

Dumb Questions... No Answers

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong,

and we are doing right when we kill them?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?

Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,

does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes,

so they can see things on the ground close-up?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Cheers

Paul

Edited March 6, 2007 by hampster

[~Chad~ 0]

Those were good, thanx Hampster

[hampster 0]

Sometimes it's good to just have a belly laugh

Helps people get through this Journey a little bit easier eh.

Glad you enjoyed them

Cheers

Paul

Edited March 7, 2007 by hampster

[hampster 0]

Grandma's Cures

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade,

can relieve headache pain almost immediately—

Without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler,

filled with mysterious chemicals,

Try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints.

They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? !

Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil.

Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil,

For instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey

And take 1 tablespoon six times a day.

The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. ]

Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly

Even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes

Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it.]

Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing.

Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus.]

Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash.

The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection.

To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening,

apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish

To the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ...

If menacing bees, wasps, hornets,

or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide,

Try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover ...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-

All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin.

The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ...

Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste, as a compress.

The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...

To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine

A powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ...

Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour.

The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick.

Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.

Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ..

Next time your dog comes in from the rain,

Simply wipe down! the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,

Instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites ...All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and! Accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief...

It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats,

and 1 cup of water in a bowl,

and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly,

And apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

Hope this helps anyone who needs that "Magic Cure"

Cheers

Paul

[Savanphil 3]

I love home remedies

[almaty 19]

man, i learn allot today