The stress of the Visa Journey

[Caladan 19]

This just got much worse for me in that I may have a breakup on my hands due to this whole visa process. I'm heartbroken. I am so confused and hurt. I have no control over this process, have to wait and hope like all of you, and it's killing my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hang on there. Arguments and stress are normal during this process. C. and I just had a huge blow-up fight over (you'll laugh, this is stupid) whether, if a death in the family were to occur in the time between he entered the U.S. and he received AP, whether he would a) take off right away or B) file for expedited AP, and no, sorry sweetie, the K-1 is a one time only visa, and no, they're not going to make an exception, and yes, my government is dumb but yours doesn't even have a damn fiancé visa, and then, you know, we had words.

We've also had a few other fights, mostly because he's very 'deal with it as it comes' and I'm very 'plan ahead.' And so far, I've been doing most of the research and the work. He's been great at doing what I tell him needs to be done, but not so great at *finding* out what needs to be done. This changed a bit once he received packet 3...'oh. that's a lot of paperwork.' No sh!t, Sherlock.

But here's the thing. Most of this process is waiting in a long distance relationship. You're already in a long distance relationship; that hasn't changed. All that's really going on is all of the paperwork going on in the background. So I'd just not talk about it for a while, or limit yourself to five minutes per phone call. ("hey sweetie, got the letter from my employer today.") And then talk about other things. We spent one evening, while he was filling out the DS-230, where he'd occasionally ask me questions about what to put, and I looked up ugly wedding dresses on theknot.com. Or we'll play games or just chat. It's been hard on us lately as he's been working long hours and is usually barely awake enough for a ten minute phone call.

Your fiancé's going to come to see you in a couple weeks. He'll get in; just make sure he brings proof of ties to England. There was a poll here a while back, and for all of the stressing over it, it was only a really tiny percentage that was turned around. Besides, stressing about it won't send magical vibes to the border dudes.

Seriously, ignore the process for a little bit.

[TracyTN 237]

This just got much worse for me in that I may have a breakup on my hands due to this whole visa process. I'm heartbroken. I am so confused and hurt. I have no control over this process, have to wait and hope like all of you, and it's killing my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not sure why the visa process itself would break you up. Its just filing papers, paying fees and waiting. Maybe its more accurate to say the distance and the time apart are causing you problems. I see from the other thread that you got your NOA2, so now would be the time to decide if you're going to proceed with this or not.

If he feels like he is leaving so much behind, and not gaining much by coming here, it just may not be time for the visa yet. Have you two talked about you possibly moving to the UK instead, or getting a few more visits under your belt and then deciding how to proceed?

[TucsonBill 0]

This just got much worse for me in that I may have a breakup on my hands due to this whole visa process. I'm heartbroken. I am so confused and hurt. I have no control over this process, have to wait and hope like all of you, and it's killing my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe its just me, but I look at your timeline, and things seem to be moving along 'normally'. My God, because of the IMBRA law, some couples have had to wait 9 months just to get their NOA2 after the new rules were implemented!

I'd suspect there might be something more going on than just the frustration with the process. Exactly what is it that you, or he, are so worried about? I tend to lean towards thinking that if the relationship can't handle the visa process, how on earth are you ever going to make it as a couple when 'real problems' come along in life that you have to face together?

Just seems to me there is something more going on here than meets the eye, either that, or one of you is way over reacting.

Bill

[TucsonBill 0]

This just got much worse for me in that I may have a breakup on my hands due to this whole visa process. I'm heartbroken. I am so confused and hurt. I have no control over this process, have to wait and hope like all of you, and it's killing my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe its just me, but I look at your timeline, and things seem to be moving along 'normally'. My God, because of the IMBRA law, some couples have had to wait 9 months just to get their NOA2 after the new rules were implemented!

I'd suspect there might be something more going on than just the frustration with the process. Exactly what is it that you, or he, are so worried about? I tend to lean towards thinking that if the relationship can't handle the visa process, how on earth are you ever going to make it as a couple when 'real problems' come along in life that you have to face together?

It could be too, that you are just getting to know each other better now, and finding out that you're not a match, sad as that may be, facing it may be better than forging ahead when you or he is not sure.

Just seems to me there is something more going on here than meets the eye, either that, or one of you is way over reacting.

Bill

Edited December 7, 2006 by TucsonBill

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Veronica and I talk twice a day on the cell.. When she is ready for bed...and when she awakes.... We use yahoo cam on Sundays.. Her computer is to old and she is on dialup to use a cam.. So she see's me but I don't see her...but then that is why I have hundred's of pictures..and dozen or so Movies made with my CyberShot ...And yes 50 sec. movies are fullfilling.. Seeing her and hearing her voice...

We never argue... Sometimes she scouls(sp?) me on the cultural differences when I voice my desires for her too graphically..hahahahhaha but then she turns around and ask if Im naked...funny girl...and i tell her she needs a spanking... So you see we never really fight.... When I'm depressed(which is more then her) she tries to comfort me..and reminds me of how far we have come..and where we are going.. She doesn't miss a moment to tell me how much she loves me and that she needs my kisses and big Bear Hugggs..... ... I think if anything...this time apart in the begining has only built a firm foundation for a future full of love...patients...and understanding....

I think the key here with this time apart... is understanding.. patients.. and support..

There are many ways for you two to talk daily... cheap rates...etc.., I spend about $140 per month just for my International calls.. basic cell charges aren't in there.. may rate is .13 cents USD per min... that is the cheapest I found for Moldova Cell.. but I know the UK can be found for half that or less..

Your calls don't need to be 1-2 hours... We talk on the avg... of 30 min one time before her bedtime(Buna Seara).. and when she is waking up I'm in bed going to sleep...so this call is usually 5-15 min.. Mainly to greet Buna dimineata(Good Morning) and she wishes me Noapta Buna (Goodnight)....

Use this time apart to build your love and communications... .. You can make it...Just support him..be there for him when he is down...and he will see the love and do the same for you...

Good Luck....

I didn't see a thread for this and looked all around the boards so forgive me if I missed it.

My fiance and I have been having a hard time dealing with being apart, and on top of that is the stress of the Visa journey. We have been arguing more, and the time we spend online together (chats, webcam, etc.) is less fulfilling. Our cultural differences seem magnified at times, too.

Are you going through this with your fiance(e)? How do you deal with it? Have you worked out any schedule of "seeing" each other online or calling? Do you get upset when your fiance(e) doesn't or can't stick to that schedule?

I'm wondering if I have too many expectations, like wanting him to be online every day (when really what can you do just sitting there talking to a cam for hours on end?)

When we're together, things are lovely. We get to go out and experience life like any other "normal" couple. This being apart for months and months is getting to us, and it's heartbreaking. I don't want the process to affect us like this.

Is there anything we can do? He is coming here in 2 weeks and is feeling a tremendous worry over whether or not they will allow him into the country. He risks so much for me, he's giving up his whole "former" life in his country for me, and though I try to be appreciative and show him that I am, it falls short sometimes. How can I be more supportive of him during this trying time? I feel helpless.

If you're dealing with this, please share with me. I need to know we're not the only ones. Our future is in the hands of some visa and customs officials, and we're both uneasy and can't feel at peace until this whole process is done.

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

When I didnt have calls to do, I spent on the phone with Carol. We talked about "EVERYTHING" I think I spent over 500.00 bucks on skype at .02 a minute. Ups and downs? of course! it's all part of the journey. The payoff? pure bliss.

Edited December 7, 2006 by CarolsMarc