Geek joke

[JaJo 1]

=: How It All Began :=

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. Truly...

[CarolineM 0]

[Fandango 1,440]

Caro, get outta my head!

[Savanphil 3]

ooookay

[Ban Hammer 14,117]

now that is funny

[mawilson 2,133]

Sounds like something Verity Stob would write.

Historic computer documents are often lost in the mists of time. But not always -

and it's with great pleasure that we can offer you a manuscript of great antiquity

that's never been seen before. It's actually a prequel to Verity Stob's Borland

old testament histories, and carbon dating has confirmed that it was written in

AD 1996, shortly after Anders Heljsberg left to join Microsoft.

The parchment itself was lost in the great Stob tribe's migration, legend would

have it, as it escaped the Kingdom of the Centaur (ie, EXE magazine) on its way

to its current home at Dr Dobbs Journal.

So it's with great pleasure that we introduce The Book of Anders. Formatting

has been preserved to the original manuscript, modelled after the King James'

Authorised Bible (writes Verity), in which all words which did not have a

one-to-one correspondence with words in the original Greek were italicised.

And it came to pass that the sons of Kahn, who dwelt in the valley of Scotts,

in the land of Cali-fornia, fell upon hard times. For they were hard plagued by

the Mic-rosoftees who dwelt in the north, yet ruled all the lands around, and

forced all to bow down and pay tribute before their god Vi Su-Albahsic. And

there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the valley, and also much

careful reading of the Situations Vacant columns.

And then An-ders, an elder in the tribe of the sons of Kahn, dreamed a dream.

And he called together all the tribe and spake unto them saying: Brothers -

last night I dreamed that everyone in the world paid tribute to the god

Vi Su-Albahsic. And the Mic-rosoftees did come down into the valley of Scotts,

and forced all men who dwelt there to worship Vi Su-Albahsic. And the sons

of Kahn gave in and became programmers like Jerripur-Nel, the scribe of

Bytemag, who toileth still upon Roberta’s Basic flash-card program; yea, yet

he hath toiled upon it for seven and four-score years or more, as it seemeth to me.

And An-ders spake, saying: Do you want this to happen?

And the sons of Kahn replied as one saying: Indeed, we sodding well do not.

And so the sons of Kahn looked once more upon Tur Bhopas-kal, and into the

void which was called Owl. And they saw that, while calling it a void was a tad

unfair, there was plenty of scope for improvement. And An-ders and Gar’ee

and Zackur-Lockur and Giant I and many others girded up their loins, and

toiled long and hard. And together they fashioned TObject.

And TObject conceived, and begat TPersistent. And TPersistent begat TComponent,

and TComponent begat TControl, and TControl begat TWinControl, and TWinControl

begat TCustomControl, and TCustomControl begat TCustomGrid, and TCustomGrid

begat TDrawGrid, and TDrawGrid begat TStringGrid.

And TObject also begat Exception, and Exception begat EMathError, and EMathError

[that’s enough begatting - Ed.]

And so it came to pass that the fruit of TObject’s loins were indeed fruitful, and the

whole multiplied much. And the tribe of TObject’s children was known as Veesee-ell.

And Tur Bhopas-kal was henceforth named by the name of Delphi, by decree of the

department of market, who had once spent a happy fortnight in Corfu, and was wise

in the ways of the Greeks.

When the sons of Kahn looked upon Veesee-ell and Delphi, and they saw that Delphi

micturith upon the head of Vi Su-Albahsic, as though from the top of the mountain

of Rockee.

And the sons of Kahn were glad within their hearts, indeed they were well chuffed.

And there was much wining and celebration and slaughtering of fatted calves in

the valley of Scotts, with plenty of alcohol-free and meat-free alternatives laid on

for those who cannot partake of strong drink or murdered animals for reasons of

medication or creed or obstinacy, or because their girlfriends won’t let them.

And by all a good time was had.

And it came to pass that two seasons came and went. And the first season was rich

and fruitful for the sons of Kahn, and their bellies grew round and plump with milk

and honey.

But the second season was thin and lean, and was a time of famine. For verily the

department of market of the sons of Kahn was not unpractised at snatching defeat,

yea even from the very jaws of victory. And the sound of weeping and wailing was

heard once more in the valley.

And one day An-ders journeyed to the wilderness, and wept and wailed and cried

out unto the Lord, saying ‘Shall I spend the rest of my days tinkering with a Pascal

compiler I wrote 15 years ago? Couldn’t I have a go at something else? Shall I

never have stock options which consistently increase in value? Can I not be on

the winning side for a change?’

And it so happened that nearby stood a scout for the tribe of the Mic-rosoftees,

disguised as a juniper bush. And he heard An-ders cry out. And he came forward

to An-ders, saying, ‘Can I be of assistance?’

And one thing led unto another.

And when the sons of Kahn heard what had happened, they put upon the matter

a brave face saying: An-ders hath worked but a little on recent releases, we will

be on time with Delphi 3.0, we are sorry to see him go, of course, but this will not

impact any of our technology.

But friends of the sons of Kahn remembered the wisdom of M’andee-rice Davis.

And such men were sore afraid for the sons of Kahn.

All rights reserved, Verity Stob.

You may contact Ms. Stob at veritystob at ddjeditors.com, remembering to replace

the at with a curly sign, to defeat the Sons of Spam.

Parts One and Two, which succeed this prequel, can be found here. Many thanks

to Ms Stob, whose most recent work can be found at Dr Dobbs' Journal here.

This includes the best history of computing ever written.

[JaJo 1]

Sounds like something Verity Stob would write.

Historic computer documents are often lost in the mists of time. But not always -

and it's with great pleasure that we can offer you a manuscript of great antiquity

that's never been seen before. It's actually a prequel to Verity Stob's Borland

old testament histories, and carbon dating has confirmed that it was written in

AD 1996, shortly after Anders Heljsberg left to join Microsoft.

The parchment itself was lost in the great Stob tribe's migration, legend would

have it, as it escaped the Kingdom of the Centaur (ie, EXE magazine) on its way

to its current home at Dr Dobbs Journal.

So it's with great pleasure that we introduce The Book of Anders. Formatting

has been preserved to the original manuscript, modelled after the King James'

Authorised Bible (writes Verity), in which all words which did not have a

one-to-one correspondence with words in the original Greek were italicised.

And it came to pass that the sons of Kahn, who dwelt in the valley of Scotts,

in the land of Cali-fornia, fell upon hard times. For they were hard plagued by

the Mic-rosoftees who dwelt in the north, yet ruled all the lands around, and

forced all to bow down and pay tribute before their god Vi Su-Albahsic. And

there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the valley, and also much

careful reading of the Situations Vacant columns.

And then An-ders, an elder in the tribe of the sons of Kahn, dreamed a dream.

And he called together all the tribe and spake unto them saying: Brothers -

last night I dreamed that everyone in the world paid tribute to the god

Vi Su-Albahsic. And the Mic-rosoftees did come down into the valley of Scotts,

and forced all men who dwelt there to worship Vi Su-Albahsic. And the sons

of Kahn gave in and became programmers like Jerripur-Nel, the scribe of

Bytemag, who toileth still upon Roberta’s Basic flash-card program; yea, yet

he hath toiled upon it for seven and four-score years or more, as it seemeth to me.

And An-ders spake, saying: Do you want this to happen?

And the sons of Kahn replied as one saying: Indeed, we sodding well do not.

And so the sons of Kahn looked once more upon Tur Bhopas-kal, and into the

void which was called Owl. And they saw that, while calling it a void was a tad

unfair, there was plenty of scope for improvement. And An-ders and Gar’ee

and Zackur-Lockur and Giant I and many others girded up their loins, and

toiled long and hard. And together they fashioned TObject.

And TObject conceived, and begat TPersistent. And TPersistent begat TComponent,

and TComponent begat TControl, and TControl begat TWinControl, and TWinControl

begat TCustomControl, and TCustomControl begat TCustomGrid, and TCustomGrid

begat TDrawGrid, and TDrawGrid begat TStringGrid.

And TObject also begat Exception, and Exception begat EMathError, and EMathError

[that’s enough begatting - Ed.]

And so it came to pass that the fruit of TObject’s loins were indeed fruitful, and the

whole multiplied much. And the tribe of TObject’s children was known as Veesee-ell.

And Tur Bhopas-kal was henceforth named by the name of Delphi, by decree of the

department of market, who had once spent a happy fortnight in Corfu, and was wise

in the ways of the Greeks.

When the sons of Kahn looked upon Veesee-ell and Delphi, and they saw that Delphi

micturith upon the head of Vi Su-Albahsic, as though from the top of the mountain

of Rockee.

And the sons of Kahn were glad within their hearts, indeed they were well chuffed.

And there was much wining and celebration and slaughtering of fatted calves in

the valley of Scotts, with plenty of alcohol-free and meat-free alternatives laid on

for those who cannot partake of strong drink or murdered animals for reasons of

medication or creed or obstinacy, or because their girlfriends won’t let them.

And by all a good time was had.

And it came to pass that two seasons came and went. And the first season was rich

and fruitful for the sons of Kahn, and their bellies grew round and plump with milk

and honey.

But the second season was thin and lean, and was a time of famine. For verily the

department of market of the sons of Kahn was not unpractised at snatching defeat,

yea even from the very jaws of victory. And the sound of weeping and wailing was

heard once more in the valley.

And one day An-ders journeyed to the wilderness, and wept and wailed and cried

out unto the Lord, saying ‘Shall I spend the rest of my days tinkering with a Pascal

compiler I wrote 15 years ago? Couldn’t I have a go at something else? Shall I

never have stock options which consistently increase in value? Can I not be on

the winning side for a change?’

And it so happened that nearby stood a scout for the tribe of the Mic-rosoftees,

disguised as a juniper bush. And he heard An-ders cry out. And he came forward

to An-ders, saying, ‘Can I be of assistance?’

And one thing led unto another.

And when the sons of Kahn heard what had happened, they put upon the matter

a brave face saying: An-ders hath worked but a little on recent releases, we will

be on time with Delphi 3.0, we are sorry to see him go, of course, but this will not

impact any of our technology.

But friends of the sons of Kahn remembered the wisdom of M’andee-rice Davis.

And such men were sore afraid for the sons of Kahn.

All rights reserved, Verity Stob.

You may contact Ms. Stob at veritystob at ddjeditors.com, remembering to replace

the at with a curly sign, to defeat the Sons of Spam.

Parts One and Two, which succeed this prequel, can be found here. Many thanks

to Ms Stob, whose most recent work can be found at Dr Dobbs' Journal here.

This includes the best history of computing ever written.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Caro, get outta my head!

You were warned it would be a "geek" joke.

But it does seem farfetched even for that.