The child I left behind

[Peggy 1]

Great post Sharon..............

Enjoy your trip back home to Canada

[MichelleandCraig 1]

awwwww your post made me cry too, Sharon, much like the rest of the posts in this thread. I could be just overly emotional, but I don't think so.....really really touching stories everyone. (F) M.

[groomit 0]

Men/fathers also left or are leaving their home country without their kid(s) and probably for similar reasons than women/mothers... I just want to say it because most posters are women and readers may think that's women's concerns only... but be sure that I (and most men too) do understand your questioning and pain.

I'm moving to USA this coming september but w/o my 10 y/o daughter that is used to live with me since her early 3 y/o (i have custody).

Well it wasn't easy and still at all to take this decision but as most of you mothers, I tried to take account of her wishes.

She wants to stay here because she's also very close to her mother, she's used to spend lots of time/vacation with my older brothers' kids, she's obviously scared by a new life where she will hardly make friends due to language boundary...etc etc...

All her reasons are understandable.

I also know how uncertain my future life will be in USA (especially financial aspect) even if my US wife has job, house...etc...Such a move can be a real disorder in particular she feels forced to follow me !

SO in my mind, it would be better to wait until my situation over there is clear and my daughter enuff mature/informed then she can decide where she wants to live...

Anywayz, i think there is NO ideal choice but just listen to our kids' choice...we all lose something.

Groomit

[Peggy 1]

Nice post Groomit.................

Its just as hard on the dad's leaving their children.

Everyone situation is different.

[Fetaria 0]

Groomit, Thank you for your post. In time she may change her mind and want to move. Who knows what the future will bring. You are very strong to let her choose and give her what she needs in spite of what you want.

On top of missing my son who did not move with me I worry that my daughter, who is the same age as yours, will change her mind or resent the move. She is happy to be with me, adapting to the new life but I know she misses her friends she left behind. She is there now with her dad being showered with gifts and freedom to do whatever she pleases. I know as an adult it is all just surface and material but a 10 year old's perspective may see it much differently prefering the "stuff". Isnt that the way of a parent though, just when you think you have one worry in check... along comes another one.

[Euro 3]

Men/fathers also left or are leaving their home country without their kid(s) and probably for similar reasons than women/mothers... I just want to say it because most posters are women and readers may think that's women's concerns only... but be sure that I (and most men too) do understand your questioning and pain.

I'm moving to USA this coming september but w/o my 10 y/o daughter that is used to live with me since her early 3 y/o (i have custody).

Well it wasn't easy and still at all to take this decision but as most of you mothers, I tried to take account of her wishes.

She wants to stay here because she's also very close to her mother, she's used to spend lots of time/vacation with my older brothers' kids, she's obviously scared by a new life where she will hardly make friends due to language boundary...etc etc...

All her reasons are understandable.

I also know how uncertain my future life will be in USA (especially financial aspect) even if my US wife has job, house...etc...Such a move can be a real disorder in particular she feels forced to follow me !

SO in my mind, it would be better to wait until my situation over there is clear and my daughter enuff mature/informed then she can decide where she wants to live...

Anywayz, i think there is NO ideal choice but just listen to our kids' choice...we all lose something.

Groomit

Groomit

That is the same reason my 10 year old son wanted to stay with his father, & I respected what he wanted & what would make him happy, I am hoping 1 day he will change his mind as he gets older, Its hard to go along with their desision & to put your own feelings aside, its a very selfless thing you have done, & I hope it all works out for you

My son recently visited me, & he was sat on the step outside, we were talking, & out of the blue he said .."I wish everyone i knew lived here", I said do ya,why?, he said "cos its way better!!"................and now every time i speak to him, 1 of his first questions is, "When can i come again",..............I have to save up as I have to fly to England, pick him up to bring him here, then take him back!!, His father is making things very difficult too , I would love for him to come for the whole of august, but finacialy its just too much ,I just dont have that kind of money!, so I am hoping for Christmas, fingers crossed his dad will let him come

[Derbys12 0]

Just to let people know especially fretarria, i sat andf had a long chat with my wife, about me going to be with my love in Americsa and her love is coming down from Scotland, but she is adamant that she WILL NOT let me take the kids to America!!!.. .My eldest son(7) is so desperate to go!!, i just don't know what to do!, my solicitor said it would have to go through the high courts. I am the childrens primary carer i have been since they were all born, they are twins of 2 and another boy of 7.

When my wife sees them for an hour a day before she puts them in bed after coming home from work she CAN NOT COPE!, i have them all day and i'm fine... i just don't know what to do people, i don't want to put my kids through a court case but don't want to go without them!.

She samcks my eldest when i'm not in the room, last friday i went for a drink with a friend, 15 mins after being home she decides to tell me one of the twins got scolded!. He picked up a cup of hot tea in the kitchen and she didn't rush to stop him going in the kitchen!.

I pray constantly for this, and help from others about this situation, please people.what should i do!?....

[flossiefus 0]

My eyes are blurry as I type; this is such an emotional thread. Parents, mums and dads are often misjudged, some people are not empathic, and relationships are all difficult, whether between adults or our own children!

I tried to raise my boys to be happy well-adjusted to grow to be healthy adults, to think and feel and make decisions for themselves. My children sometimes surprised me with their maturity and wisdom. Sometimes, I saw glimpses of life through their 4 pairs of eyes and I learnt life lessons from opening my eyes to the alternative ideas they had.

My 4 sons are so far away; I can’t wait to get my green card so I can go home and see them. Probably I just need to see for myself that they are all happy and continuing life as normal, and although it’s nice for them to miss me, (for me) I hope they are not really missing me too much. They know they can sms me and I will call them straight back, and I am online most of the time, (but of course, times zones interfere) but I do miss the day-to-day stuff.

The 2 eldest boys are now settled in their own families, and I probably hear from them just as much as if I was in the same country. The 3rd is at Uni and working so I have contact with him almost as much. The baby of the family (he’d kill me) is just about to turn 18. He came on a K2, but insisted on his right to return, and sadly I saw him off on the long flight, wishing he'd have enjoyed it here enough to stay. I think he missed everything about home too much, and since we will want to retire there to live in about 6 years, I m not sure what country he'd have wanted to be in, then. So as someone before said, perhaps things happen for a reason. All I know is he proved USA isn’t always the most desirable country to live in for every person.

Luckily, even though my sons don’t completely understand they do support my decision to be happy and that means being with the love of my life.

I hope you can all find the inner happiness that you deserve and that your children realize what wonderful parents you are, and maybe some of these posts need to be printed and kept for them to read, because when they are mature they will appreciate, all the more, the deliberation and anguish that you have gone through to make the right decisions for you and your family.

[gimygirl 0]

Just to let people know especially fretarria, i sat andf had a long chat with my wife, about me going to be with my love in Americsa and her love is coming down from Scotland, but she is adamant that she WILL NOT let me take the kids to America!!!.. .My eldest son(7) is so desperate to go!!, i just don't know what to do!, my solicitor said it would have to go through the high courts. I am the childrens primary carer i have been since they were all born, they are twins of 2 and another boy of 7.

When my wife sees them for an hour a day before she puts them in bed after coming home from work she CAN NOT COPE!, i have them all day and i'm fine... i just don't know what to do people, i don't want to put my kids through a court case but don't want to go without them!.

She samcks my eldest when i'm not in the room, last friday i went for a drink with a friend, 15 mins after being home she decides to tell me one of the twins got scolded!. He picked up a cup of hot tea in the kitchen and she didn't rush to stop him going in the kitchen!.

I pray constantly for this, and help from others about this situation, please people.what should i do!?....

you need to make sure your children are safe ... evidenced by that picture: they are not ... and THAT should be your priority at this moment. other people on the forum have children what were able to communicate their wants to their parents ... your's cannot and your first concern should be their well-being. have you even had a burn that large before?? it's excruciatingly painful.

you don't want to put your children through a court case yet you allow them to be neglected (scalded) and abused ... go to court and settle this. then worry about coming to america. is your true love is in america, she should have no problem flying to the UK to be with you during the wait.

[Peggy 1]

Be easy now Gimy.

I would imagine how he already feels that his little guy got burned.

I know you say whats on your mind, but sometimes adding words that will hurt this man more is really unfair.

He probley goes thru hell everyday worrrying about his decision he is making.

I like you and respect you, but sometimes you should really think before you type something about someones else's child.

I know you mean well, but that was kinda mean to say to this man that is already hurting enough.

Peace out..................Peggy

[Shari 6]

Fetaria - I'm not exactly in the same situation as you, but still in a quandry of "head before your heart". My husband moved here from England. He can't find a job as an engineer here as he doesn't have a BS. He has been looking for a job since January. We are having to look outside our city, actually outside our state for jobs he had experience in back in England (subsea work). I have 14-year-old boy/girl twins. My ex lived only a mile down the road from me so even though my daughter lives with me and my son with his dad, I saw him often and my ex saw my daughter often. My kids have been born and raised in the city we live in and have gone to the same school district. My daughter told me that if my husband and I have to move, she would not go with me because she wouldn't want to leave her school, friends, school softball (that she has played since 5), big sister (age 20), etc. It kinda broke my heart, but again, you said what is best for the child. She gets along okay with her dad, but better with me. Again, I know she wouldn't want to move, but how do I make her feel the decision is not picking my husband over her? It has to do with money and a job my husband would love. We are barely surviving on my income alone. Thanks Fetaria.

Me again with more of an update. My husband went on an interview yesterday for a job in Tampa - 9 hours from here. The manager told him the company would be putting a proposal together to offer him the job the end of next week and wants to fly my husband and I down to check things out (he interviewed in Mobile, AL for the job in Tampa). Anyhow, it is looking more like this is going to be a sure thing for us, and again, although I am ecstatic about this job for my husband who has been looking for work since January, I am heartbroken my daughter doesn't want to move with us. She and I talked a little last night, and she cried and said she didn't want me to move. It is tearing me up inside. During the day I am busy at work and it's not fresh on my mind, but at night when I lay down to bed I softly sob with the thought of leaving her (and my other 2 children that live with their dad). She plays school softball and summer and fall travel ball, so it is going to be harder to get her down to see us than it would be for her brother. I support her so much too with her ball, watching every practice and NEVER missing a game (her father only came to 4 games out of at least 60 since February). I know most of you going through this are worse off than I am as you are across the ocean from your kids, but this hurts just as much knowing that now I see her every day and I won't see her but a few times a year. I feel I am going to miss so much. How do I ease the hurt for her and me in the weeks before a final move? goofy:

[Derbys12 0]

Just to let people know especially fretarria, i sat andf had a long chat with my wife, about me going to be with my love in Americsa and her love is coming down from Scotland, but she is adamant that she WILL NOT let me take the kids to America!!!.. .My eldest son(7) is so desperate to go!!, i just don't know what to do!, my solicitor said it would have to go through the high courts. I am the childrens primary carer i have been since they were all born, they are twins of 2 and another boy of 7.

When my wife sees them for an hour a day before she puts them in bed after coming home from work she CAN NOT COPE!, i have them all day and i'm fine... i just don't know what to do people, i don't want to put my kids through a court case but don't want to go without them!.

She samcks my eldest when i'm not in the room, last friday i went for a drink with a friend, 15 mins after being home she decides to tell me one of the twins got scolded!. He picked up a cup of hot tea in the kitchen and she didn't rush to stop him going in the kitchen!.

I pray constantly for this, and help from others about this situation, please people.what should i do!?....

you need to make sure your children are safe ... evidenced by that picture: they are not ... and THAT should be your priority at this moment. other people on the forum have children what were able to communicate their wants to their parents ... your's cannot and your first concern should be their well-being. have you even had a burn that large before?? it's excruciatingly painful.

you don't want to put your children through a court case yet you allow them to be neglected (scalded) and abused ... go to court and settle this. then worry about coming to america. is your true love is in america, she should have no problem flying to the UK to be with you during the wait.

I must say this reply really really hurt me so much....

I am concerned over the safety of my children i hurt like crazy it was one hour away from them when this happened.

Stupidly thinking they were ok with my wife.Please don't judge me as i havcen't done anything wrong...

And i can Assure you they WILL be going to America with me, got the ball rolling this morning through the solicitor. Thankyou for your post and may God Blesss you.

[gimygirl 0]

Be easy now Gimy.

I would imagine how he already feels that his little guy got burned.

I know you say whats on your mind, but sometimes adding words that will hurt this man more is really unfair.

He probley goes thru hell everyday worrrying about his decision he is making.

I like you and respect you, but sometimes you should really think before you type something about someones else's child.

I know you mean well, but that was kinda mean to say to this man that is already hurting enough.

Peace out..................Peggy

peggy ...

in all seriousness, i did think before i typed a response about someone's child. as geoff and i are a couple that put the children before the relatinship, i have chosen not to a part of this thread because my opinion on this subject is so strong. we are all responsible for whatever actions we make in our life ... i am not in anyone else's shoes but my own and i know that children are a very touchy subject.

however, i stand by exactly what i said in my previous post and see nothing mean about it. i'm not sure what the regulations are in the UK, but that incident would surely have raised flags here in the US. i really can't even fathom why someone would post a pic of their injured child on the internet. personally, i think he (or Ewok) should remove it.

likewise, i return my like and respect for you ... thank you for sharing your feelings with me!

I must say this reply really really hurt me so much....

I am concerned over the safety of my children i hurt like crazy it was one hour away from them when this happened.

Stupidly thinking they were ok with my wife.Please don't judge me as i havcen't done anything wrong...

And i can Assure you they WILL be going to America with me, got the ball rolling this morning through the solicitor. Thankyou for your post and may God Blesss you.

i'm sorry that my response hurt you, but that does not detract from the severity of the situation you are in. i am certainly not judging you in any fashion and i assume as their father that you have nothing but their best interest at heart. very glad to hear that you have been in touch with a solicitor ... please give them a picture of your child. i hope for nothing less than for you and children to be able to come to america and lead a happy life!

[Derbys12 0]

Be easy now Gimy.

I would imagine how he already feels that his little guy got burned.

I know you say whats on your mind, but sometimes adding words that will hurt this man more is really unfair.

He probley goes thru hell everyday worrrying about his decision he is making.

I like you and respect you, but sometimes you should really think before you type something about someones else's child.

I know you mean well, but that was kinda mean to say to this man that is already hurting enough.

Peace out..................Peggy

peggy ...

in all seriousness, i did think before i typed a response about someone's child. as geoff and i are a couple that put the children before the relatinship, i have chosen not to a part of this thread because my opinion on this subject is so strong. we are all responsible for whatever actions we make in our life ... i am not in anyone else's shoes but my own and i know that children are a very touchy subject.

however, i stand by exactly what i said in my previous post and see nothing mean about it. i'm not sure what the regulations are in the UK, but that incident would surely have raised flags here in the US. i really can't even fathom why someone would post a pic of their injured child on the internet. personally, i think he (or Ewok) should remove it.

likewise, i return my like and respect for you ... thank you for sharing your feelings with me!

I must say this reply really really hurt me so much....

I am concerned over the safety of my children i hurt like crazy it was one hour away from them when this happened.

Stupidly thinking they were ok with my wife.Please don't judge me as i havcen't done anything wrong...

And i can Assure you they WILL be going to America with me, got the ball rolling this morning through the solicitor. Thankyou for your post and may God Blesss you.

i'm sorry that my response hurt you, but that does not detract from the severity of the situation you are in. i am certainly not judging you in any fashion and i assume as their father that you have nothing but their best interest at heart. very glad to hear that you have been in touch with a solicitor ... please give them a picture of your child. i hope for nothing less than for you and children to be able to come to america and lead a happy life!

Sorry if anyone can tell me how to remove the pic i will do.Sorry for any offence caused.

[Fetaria 0]

Derbys12, I think for certain in your case .. fight for the right to take your children with you. I am glad to hear you have things started in that. It would be good to hear from other parents who have done the same and won. All I can offer is to keep it as distant from the kids as possible and not use them or let their mother use them as tools in the "fight". I am not sure how you keep it separate but I think very important that they are protected from the ugliness that can come from it. I think along with the bad evidence against her you will want to have strong evidence for the positive outcomes of them moving with you. Document everything, down to the amount of time spent with each of you now. I don't know that if at the age of 7 it would matter much his opinion on wanting to move but document that anyway. In Canada they can decide once they are 12. Good luck with this, I hope your son is recovering well.

Edited June 21, 2006 by Fetaria