Wifes Family Asking For $ Advice

[SemperAye 10]

Hello Everyone,

My wife's mother and father have needed assistance a few times such as 24$ here and 50$ there over the past couple years, and while I cautioned my wife about sending regulatory this seemed to end up happening anyway. At first we where able to handle this because we where living with family as we had just moved across the country and did not have as many expenses, but now, we have rent and car payments etc etc and I feel her family probably doesn't even know what a car payment is let alone any of the other expenses that we have. Now, we are not going crazy here and living an extravagant life, we live in the ghetto for us standards, we dont go out to eat, and we are currently saving for my wifes 10 years green card....and we do not even have a cell phone. We are both working full time, and I am starting to go back to school, but we are just barely making ends meet. The fact is that I am not wealthy, the only reason I was able to afford to visit the Philippines in the first place was because a one time new home credit I got from the IRS lol, now that home if foreclosed...go figure. My family used food stamps, and not one person in my family has extra income I just turned 30 this year, and I understand that Filipinos are used to older man with big wallets visiting, so whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other when I try to explain my situation to her family. I've got to the point where I feel like that will never understand and we simply just have to say NO and leave it at that! I'm sure I do not need to explain myself further as there are probably many others in my same situation.

Here is where it gets strange. My wife has basically stopped calling her parents on a regular basis simply because it will depress her that she can not help, so I think by trying to avoid the situation its helping her. The problem is she gives them an excuse, she never tells them that we are poor by american standards and will NEVER be able to help them. I think my wife feels like she is a failure to her family because of this, and I have heard her tell her parents that she married me for love not to ship money over seas but they just dont get it. I'm sure life is so hard there in PH that they feel like its an easy way out to simply ask for money because they hear about the rich men in the USA who send over there. I dont know...

... we just got word from my wifes aunt and uncle that they have lended her mother and father alot of money via one of those illegal money lending scams where you lend someone money and charge crazy interest. I can not believe that her parents own siblings would scam them like this! They can not afford to pay back the money at the interest rate and have asked us to help, and we told them that we can not help and that they need to do away with the interest! Anyways, now her aunt and uncle are contacting us demanding that we pay ahahah! I'm going crazy here....please give us some advice on what to do This will cause my wife and I to argue and I do not want to ruin our relationship because of some something that we are not even involved in. My wife wants to have kids some day, but I'm afraid to make that commitment because I want ALL of our $ to go tword our kids future so they do not have to struggle as I did.

Pls help ty! sorry for spelling i had to hurry im off to work

Edited March 27, 2013 by SemperAye

[SemperAye 10]

Update,

I took matters into my own hands. I tried to explain our situation in english to her uncle who was asking for money via FB, and when I got a message back I tried to translate it via google translate and I think he basically said "I do not care what derek says, us dollar isnt the same as peso" or something like that.... If you dont care what I say, then I do not care to talk to you anymore....I've since blocked them... What people in the filipins do not understand is that sure we our money goes a long way over there, but it is worth NOTHING here lol.

Edited March 27, 2013 by SemperAye

[Darnell 8,479]

i've some links about this - let me see if i can find them...

[Darnell 8,479]

I offer these up for your reading pleasure..

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/338298-arguments-about-sending-money-back-home/

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/330398-help-with-mama/

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/332742-sending-money-to-the-family-back-in-the-phils/

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/322507-best-way-to-teach-my-filipina-to-budget/

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/291307-filipina-wife-issuesadvice-please/

Have a longish read..

[evon24 1]

What kind of help? I think the uncle and aunt of your wife doesn't have the right to demand money from you guys. I'm a Filipina and I understand your wife's feeling about the debt of her parents. My fiancee is not that rich too and I always tell my parents about that and they don't demand or expect anything from him because they treat him just like as we are. That's the problem of most of the Filipinos because we have this mentality to help our family in any situations and because of that sometimes some people just take advantage of those people who are such a giver. Since you are giving them before I bet they get used to it. There are people who are not open minded about the situations and culture in other country. Pray for you about your situations. Your wife should explain to her family that you are in a tight budget as of now. I never heard someone put in jail because of not paying the debt . It's just a threat to them so that they will be forced to pay it. Maybe they can make some promissory note to pay it monthly? It's just a matter of budgeting and hardwork on the parent's part unless the parents are old.

[SemperAye 10]

Thanx for the links... and thanx evon24!

Man, its been crazy. My wifes cousin who also lives here, her husband re-mortgaged his house to pay for his in-laws heart surgery, but she took the money instead and lent it to family I dont want to end up like him...seems like alot of people in those links are fighting over if its right to send, or wrong to not send, thats silly. My issue is we CANT send as there is no money, not even 10$ available to send...you can only do what you can do you know. I just hate seeing my wife in tears over something that is hard for me to understand.

Edited March 27, 2013 by SemperAye

[Darnell 8,479]

My base posit is that the now overseas child is viewed as an overseas foreign worker, with duties and responsibilities back to family in the PI.

It sucks, but that's my base posit.

rlogan has chimed in a lot there on these posts - I invite you to follow his stuff, always.

I suggest you take more time, read more, say 4 to 5 hours in an evening, as folks responses run the gamut.

Forewarned is forearmed, aye?

[madtownguy 164]

It's your wife's family why don't you let her handle it. She could get a job and help them. I told my fiances family that I will not send any money to philippines, that I don't believe in it and it will be up to my fiance what she wants to send back. Once you have your own child I'm sure it will stop. Our culture is the opposite of ours they expect kids to support parents. I still go to my parents for money and bug them constantly about getting some of my inheritance early. So certainly it will be odd for me to send money to another family but if it's not money I earn I don't really care much about it. The simplest solution is make more money. Money is the #1 cause of divorce. But I'm sure you haven't heard anyone say I got divorce because my partner made too much money.

[SemperAye 10]

It's your wife's family why don't you let her handle it. She could get a job and help them. I told my fiances family that I will not send any money to philippines, that I don't believe in it and it will be up to my fiance what she wants to send back. Once you have your own child I'm sure it will stop. Our culture is the opposite of ours they expect kids to support parents. I still go to my parents for money and bug them constantly about getting some of my inheritance early. So certainly it will be odd for me to send money to another family but if it's not money I earn I don't really care much about it. The simplest solution is make more money. Money is the #1 cause of divorce. But I'm sure you haven't heard anyone say I got divorce because my partner made too much money.

Doesnt work that way for all of us in america. when your "just getting by" and your married here your fiances are together as one, so I feel like its both of our responsibility. My wife does work full time, and our combined earnings just barely pay the bills. Ya I am going back to school so hopefully i'll make more

Edited March 27, 2013 by SemperAye

[Fight for Love 98]

Wow I know this Filipino trade mark seems frustrating to some American esp. if they are just leaving with paycheck to paycheck.

Most of Filipino think AUTOMATICALLY if their friends/relatives came in the US they are somehow INSTANT millionaire...lol they didn't realized we earn dollar...we spend dollar.

If I were u...why do u need to stress yourself? Her family should understand that she has her OWN family to worry about.

That’s what I told my husband. Because since he moved here some of his relatives trying to lend money (such as emergency blah blah...lol)...I’m like yah right like they could able to pay us back someday lol I told him he need to learn how to say "NO"....because if he did lend them once....that once will be triple or even more...and one day if he cannot give them anything...still he will look bad to them.

By the way, I’m so proud of u for being patience to your wife and her family

Good luck!!!

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

i've some links about this - let me see if i can find them...

http://www.visajourn...help-with-mama/

That thread delivers.

[madtownguy 164]

Doesnt work that way for all of us in america. when your "just getting by" and your married here your fiances are together as one, so I feel like its both of our responsibility. My wife does work full time, and our combined earnings just barely pay the bills. Ya I am going back to school so hopefully i'll make more

Realize you will be "just getting by" for the rest of your life regardless. I have friends that make six figures that are just getting by. There is only one way to stop

"just getting by" and that is to always make more money. You need to stay ahead of your ability to spend money. I've made 30k a year and 100k a year, they feel exactly the same to me. I'm hoping someday to be over a million a year and hopefully I won't feel broke at that point. The US is still the land of opportunity if you don't make a lot of money it is either because you don't want to or you are lazy. I've seen foreigners making well over 100k a year and can barely speak English. If you are willing to do the work you can definitely make a lot of money. Even if you make more money you should keep it for your kids or retirement. Sending it to another country won't help anyone in the long run.

[SemperAye 10]

Realize you will be "just getting by" for the rest of your life regardless. I have friends that make six figures that are just getting by. There is only one way to stop

"just getting by" and that is to always make more money. You need to stay ahead of your ability to spend money. I've made 30k a year and 100k a year, they feel exactly the same to me. I'm hoping someday to be over a million a year and hopefully I won't feel broke at that point. The US is still the land of opportunity if you don't make a lot of money it is either because you don't want to or you are lazy. I've seen foreigners making well over 100k a year and can barely speak English. If you are willing to do the work you can definitely make a lot of money. Even if you make more money you should keep it for your kids or retirement. Sending it to another country won't help anyone in the long run.

teach me to make 100k please

[Bob & Joana 2]

As someone in a similar situation, do not sacrifice what little you have extra for them! If this debt is cleared I can almost guarantee you it will happen again. Her parents will act like this is an emergency and that it must be payed off. First off if their family is illegally loan-sharking, they have no right to collect. Tell them to pursue legal means to collect the debts from your in-laws and they will have no ability to do it. This is more a matter of PRIDE. Many filipinos are blinded by their pride and they know there will be a shame in not paying back a debt to their family(even though the real shame is the fact that their own family is sharking them). They made the decision to borrow the money, KNOWING they could not pay it back. They made the bed, now its time to let them sleep in it. Im sorry if I come off as harsh, but sometimes you have to be because if they somehow get you to pay it this once...they WILL do it again(cause hey, it worked last time!)

I went through a slightly different situation, where my wife's family was having her take out the debt(because she was working, but we werent married yet), and then when they couldnt pay the bill they came to daddy warbucks(me, although im not at all rich). I paid it because it was a small amount($50 maybe), then 2 weeks later her parents borrowed AGAIN, this time without my wife's permission! They came again to me for the money and I asked for the legally binding contract that established me(or my wife) as a co-signer(they showed me a notebook with hand written amounts, no terms, and a signature LOL.) I told them not happening and they were mad, but knew there was nothing they could do about it. I told her family they should not pay it since there is no legal remedy for the lender to collect. It has been about 10 months and those lenders have hawked them for the money, but havent been paid. These lenders were family, but even if it were my solution would've been the same.

Be strong and do not give in, unless you want to be set up for it happening again. It is very unlikely her uncle would resort to violence within the family. These lenders do NOT want to risk bringing the law into it because they could be jailed(for possibly long durations awaiting the court preceeding) as long as they cant bribe their way out of it.

[Caryh 5,206]

In the Philippines they don't have credit agencies to check peoples credit. There are multiple different levels of informal loans that can be obtained by the typical person, and this doesn't include those able to get bank loans. First is the 5/6. For every 5 borrowed to you, you'll pay back 6 within 60 days. They come by daily to collect 1/60th of the money, 2/60th's on Saturday. That is 20% interest per 60 days, or 120% per year. Given you pay back from the day after receiving the loan, the interest rate per year is even higher. Those are normally obtained by small family owned business so they can operate. Might be a street vendor of food who needs money to buy raw stock. Once they're into depending on this, its almost impossible to wean themselves off these loans. There are many many little 5/6 loan companies operating in the Philippines and other third world countries. When a loan goes bad they'll do their best to collect it, but they write many bad loans off. Its part of why the interest rate is so high, plus paying someone to collect daily.

The second is a term loan at huge interest rates, I need to ask my wife what the rate is, as we have a bit of money in both these type of loan businesses. They get given to just about anybody who is seen as a decent risk. To be considered to be a good risk, you need a family member who is seen as having an above average income that comes in big chunks periodically. So if you have a family member who is a seaman, OCW, or married to a westerner, you can get these loans. In other words someone with close family that has a money tree. Basically they are depending to get paid back by the person receiving the loan either being one of the good risk parties or has the ability to guilt the good risk party into paying the loan for them. These are often given out by co-ops of individuals that invest for a good return, or a 5/6 loan company that is moving up in the world and expanding. They will hound and threaten borrow and the money treed relative to get repayment, they do not go away for a long time. They may file a case against the borrower if the loan is not paid.

Sounds to me like your aunt and uncle are running the second kind of loan co-op. This might not even be their money but a pool of money they are managing. As its not their money, they will be under big pressure to get paid back, and they'll turn that pressure on your in-laws and you. Or they get a cut of the profits by being a go between and then they might find themselves on the hook.

You wife being out of the country working and married to an American, means her parents can borrow a term loan from these type of loan outfits. This is all on the expectation that your wife will pay it back. If you do pay it for them, they'll be able to take out another and do the same damn thing again. Given they've done it once already (although you haven't paid it back) you can expect them to do it again if you pay it back. It will get harder for them to borrow again if you do not pay it back for them. Not impossible to do it again, but they won't get it from the same source and word does start to spread.

You just need to say no money is coming. We did not take out the loan, did not agree to the loan, and did not sign for the loan, its not our problem. They will certainly understand that your meaning then. Don't try to explain why you can't, just state you will not. The requests to pay back loans will stop. Your wife might be upset or even hurt, but unless you want to constantly revisit this same problem, you need to shut it down on the first attempt to basically extort money from you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pluck a few bills off the money tree in the back yard so the wife and I can go out to dinner tonight.