Divorce, Hindsight, and Doing the Immigration Dance Again...

[kisschick1976 0]

I cannot believe how close this poll is, didn't expect that!

I still am confused how those who say they didn't really know their first SOs are doing it again with another...like what makes you know you're not repeating the same pattern?

Not calling anyone's relationship a sham, mind you, just curious as to how they are different.

[chri'stina 190]

My fiance picks up my language and sometimes he says things like, "Do these pants look cute on me?" I am going to have to correct him when he comes to the U.S.!!!!

That definitely happens a bit with Rey. He says girly stuff without realizing it's girly. One time I said "no way!" and he responded with "WAY."

I am still laughing at him for that...

Ooh ooh I have something cute to add that just happened tonight.

I was handing out candy to kids who'd ring the doorbell...and Sujeet asked me,"what do they say? I don't remember." I told him, "trick or treat..."

But a few minutes later he was like, "trick or trees?"

I must have mumbled the 'treat' part so fast since we are so used to hearing that in the US. So I explained to him to whole trick/treat thing. But again later he slipped and said 'trick or trees' again.

[Alex+R 0]

Ooh ooh I have something cute to add that just happened tonight.

I was handing out candy to kids who'd ring the doorbell...and Sujeet asked me,"what do they say? I don't remember." I told him, "trick or treat..."

But a few minutes later he was like, "trick or trees?"

I must have mumbled the 'treat' part so fast since we are so used to hearing that in the US. So I explained to him to whole trick/treat thing. But again later he slipped and said 'trick or trees' again.

Yes this is the most fun part of dating a foreigner. That and the delicious cooking. Rey is still having trouble with the "trick-or-treating vs. begging for candy" issue. He doesn't see the difference. Tonight we were on the phone and a 16-year-old kid came to the door without a costume and tried to take 6 mini-snickers.

We could finally agree that THAT kid was pretty much just begging for candy.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

you need to be like larry david and refuse candy to teenagers with no costume!

[sakurasama 0]

I think there are a lot of different reasons why people might choose a second fiance/e from the same country after a failed marriage. The most common is probably people stick with what they know.

Also I think a lot of people who might opt to look for another foreign fiance/fiancee from the same country that their first wife husband/wife came from are probably looking for qualities that that person possessed that are likely to be cultural qualities shared by most people in that culture that may not be shared by many Americans. If I want a non materialistic Buddhist, I can expect to find one a lot easier in a Tibetan community than I could in Atlanta.

It may be that some USCs know their intended's culture well enough to understand what qualities are personal and what qualities are cultural and hence think that they might find another person they click with from the same country. And some USC may not know their beloved's culture all that well and attribute all of their intended's qualities to their personality and don't realize that alot of the priorities or characteristics they may love may be cultural and not one of a kind.

[Lou Lou 1]

Rey is still having trouble with the "trick-or-treating vs. begging for candy" issue.

Spot on.

[Alex+R 0]

If I want a non materialistic Buddhist, I can expect to find one a lot easier in a Tibetan community than I could in Atlanta.

If you want a Tibetan, you would be lucky because there are already so many in the U.S. legally.

Oh geez, the immigration process makes me think like that...

[windchaser_4 0]

I didn't read all of them but i see the mindset of "if it doesn't work out" or "if she isn't what she seems" At this point that doesn't enter my mind. I have never been married and I am not even thinking along those lines. I think if you go in with that mindset you are almost doom to fail when things don't go your way.

Believe me, we have been thru a lot, but if i was going to "dump" my fiancee when she did something i didn't expect, it would have been over a long time ago. To me if someone isn't looking to marry a person overseas to stay married until one of them dies it's not going to be a very good relationship. Not to offend anyone but if someone is married 3 or 4 times already what's the chance that it will last?

But under extreme condition of marrying again, even tho all the Immigration filing problems we had i would still try to find a Filipina prolly. They are too cute!

[bhajishah 4]

If someday you would ,heaven forbid ,have to eat your words, then would you post it please. What does meeting someone online,marrying, comparing it to people who post divorce issues latter have to do with the individual couple and character. Your post says alot about you. hope it works out

[~Jackie~ 30]

Would I go thru the immigration process again, oh hell no. Not in a million years.

Jackie

(Lisa what would it take to get you to change your avatar? It makes me dizzy. )

[Fandango 1,440]

Would I go thru the immigration process again, oh hell no. Not in a million years.

Jackie

(Lisa what would it take to get you to change your avatar? It makes me dizzy. )

that's what it's supposed to do!

'you are getting sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy....very sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy'

lol, seriously, i'll get a new one today

[PurrSuede 0]

I didn't read all of them but i see the mindset of "if it doesn't work out" or "if she isn't what she seems" At this point that doesn't enter my mind. I have never been married and I am not even thinking along those lines. I think if you go in with that mindset you are almost doom to fail when things don't go your way.

Believe me, we have been thru a lot, but if i was going to "dump" my fiancee when she did something i didn't expect, it would have been over a long time ago. To me if someone isn't looking to marry a person overseas to stay married until one of them dies it's not going to be a very good relationship. Not to offend anyone but if someone is married 3 or 4 times already what's the chance that it will last?

But under extreme condition of marrying again, even tho all the Immigration filing problems we had i would still try to find a Filipina prolly. They are too cute!

If you've never been married, then you've never been divorced.

Maybe if you'd "been there, done that" you could begin to understand the point of view of others who had.

And no one gets married three or four times expecting that any of them will be short term.

I went into my recent marriage fully intending this one would last. It would seem my immigrant ex-spouse had other intentions, that were certainly beyond my control. And it only takes one to bail for the marriage to fail, I might point out as well...

As cindishah said, I hope you never have to eat your words, but I suggest you look around at all the couples who do get divorced, not just immigrant couples, and ask them if they intended it to last or not...

As someone who's been married 3 times before, what are the chances it's going to last?

Exactly 50/50... either it will, or it won't... so either way, no matter how many times you've been married or not, it's 50% odds....

-- Dan

[Fandango 1,440]

If someday you would ,heaven forbid ,have to eat your words, then would you post it please. What does meeting someone online,marrying, comparing it to people who post divorce issues latter have to do with the individual couple and character. Your post says alot about you. hope it works out

Is this directed at me? I'm confused!

I'm not looking down my nose at anyone...I'm asking something because I can't understand it. Yes, when you get divorced....no matter where they are from, whether you met them online or next door....you are gun-shy a lil. At least imo.

D and I had the oppty to be able to live together for some time, despite the two country thing. FOR ME I could never have agreed to marry him if it was like 'ok come over for a 2 week hols and then we'll file' Key words: FOR ME. I guess I'm not built that way...I'm more the cautious type. Especially when the 2 weeks is all wonderful and great and holiday-ish...it's not a representation of what 'real life' is ie when the bills need paying, when life is busy and there's no time for each other, and you have to deal with work bs and stress and 'regular life'.

But I have read posts on here where the first relationship didn't work out due to 'being completely different' in real life as opposed to what was percieved. We've all read them. And sadly they abound. I look at LDRs with limited physical contact as a book vs movie. YOu have your mind's eye on what you think it is, then it's real life and you see how it is, and sometimes the two visions are totally different.

So how can one prevent it from happening again? Yes, you're dealing with an entirely different person the second time round, but the parameters of an LDR don't change. So how can you get past the 'lemme REALLY make sure I know this person for who (s)he really is instead of what I THINK (s)he is' before I make a similar mistake?

Again, I am NOT trying to offend anyone here, and I do realize how sensitive a subject this is. However, I have faith that this won't degenerate into a flame war, and we can have this conversation without anyone casting aspersions on people's character, no? I have been divorced, so I know what it's like to be all gun-shy of marriage. I know for me how much that affected me in deciding to get married again....lol, didn't wanna wind up to be Ross Geller, lol.

[rebeccajo 14]

.....D and I had the oppty to be able to live together for some time, despite the two country thing. FOR ME I could never have agreed to marry him if it was like 'ok come over for a 2 week hols and then we'll file' Key words: FOR ME......

.....So how can you get past the 'lemme REALLY make sure I know this person for who (s)he really is instead of what I THINK (s)he is' before I make a similar mistake?

.....I have been divorced, so I know what it's like to be all gun-shy of marriage......

I snipped and then highlighted just to try and consolidate the thoughts.

Like you said you were married once before. Like I was. To a guy from over here that you didn't have to have an LDR with. And it didn't work out. Just like my first marriage.

My perspective....some relationships work and some don't. LDR or not.

[kisschick1976 0]

If someday you would ,heaven forbid ,have to eat your words, then would you post it please. What does meeting someone online,marrying, comparing it to people who post divorce issues latter have to do with the individual couple and character. Your post says alot about you. hope it works out

Is this directed at me? I'm confused!

I'm not looking down my nose at anyone...I'm asking something because I can't understand it. Yes, when you get divorced....no matter where they are from, whether you met them online or next door....you are gun-shy a lil. At least imo.

D and I had the oppty to be able to live together for some time, despite the two country thing. FOR ME I could never have agreed to marry him if it was like 'ok come over for a 2 week hols and then we'll file' Key words: FOR ME. I guess I'm not built that way...I'm more the cautious type. Especially when the 2 weeks is all wonderful and great and holiday-ish...it's not a representation of what 'real life' is ie when the bills need paying, when life is busy and there's no time for each other, and you have to deal with work bs and stress and 'regular life'.

But I have read posts on here where the first relationship didn't work out due to 'being completely different' in real life as opposed to what was percieved. We've all read them. And sadly they abound. I look at LDRs with limited physical contact as a book vs movie. YOu have your mind's eye on what you think it is, then it's real life and you see how it is, and sometimes the two visions are totally different.

So how can one prevent it from happening again? Yes, you're dealing with an entirely different person the second time round, but the parameters of an LDR don't change. So how can you get past the 'lemme REALLY make sure I know this person for who (s)he really is instead of what I THINK (s)he is' before I make a similar mistake?

Again, I am NOT trying to offend anyone here, and I do realize how sensitive a subject this is. However, I have faith that this won't degenerate into a flame war, and we can have this conversation without anyone casting aspersions on people's character, no? I have been divorced, so I know what it's like to be all gun-shy of marriage. I know for me how much that affected me in deciding to get married again....lol, didn't wanna wind up to be Ross Geller, lol.

Is it not human nature to learn from past mistakes in order to make better decisions in the future? Saying, I would never marry another person from outside The United States is like saying I would never marry another person from x city or x state because a relationship with someone from there failed once. If this was the case, no one would marry anyone because a vast majority of the earth's population has had a relationship go bad, LDR or otherwise. It's all part of the learning process. We all have to get hurt first in order to really be able to appreciate what we have now. There's a saying, "###### me once, shame on you, ###### me twice, shame on me."

How can it be prevented from happening again? Don't get remarried to anyone ever again, period. That's a 0% chance of having another failed marriage. I don't know about you but I am too young to turn into the crazy cat lady on my street.

I am very happy that I met another man, a good man, who just happened to be from another country.

People make mistakes, the smart ones learn from them and move on. You may not be trying to be offensive to anyone but it still doesn't take the sting away.