Abuse Victims

[NY_BX 397]

It has come to my attention that yet, another VJ member from the MENA region is suffering from physical abuse from her husband. He basically just arrived in the US (2 weeks ago).

I don't know about you, but I am fed up with this BS. It's time to take action. I propose we create some sort of anonymous/ confidential board amongst us to help each other out. The issue with anonimity was brought up at togetherforever13's thread; the fact that the perpetrators have access to read threads and even comment as guests.

While we come up with a strategy, can the moderators post some permanent topic on the Family Discussion portion of this website with information on domestic violence? I don't know if that alraedy exists or what else to suggest to put this in the forefront.

Maybe we can strategize by states, even cities. For example, if you live in NY and need help, you can count on the help of members living in the tri-state area.

I may be rambling here and even sounding ridiculous, but this is just unacceptable.

Carry on....

[Mithra 1,185]

WTH?

[NY_BX 397]

WTH?

Exactly! I'm really worried, tired and disturbed by this trend.

[Mithra 1,185]

I wonder if the member you're speaking of also had warning signs while her husband was still overseas.

I don't think this is a new trend. Most members, especially the ones that post infrequently, disappear once their SO arrives in the states. I'm sure this happens more than we know.

What blows my mind is starting that ####### upon arrival. I guess that's a way of getting things under control since they most likely don't have anything in their lives under control.

[Mithra 1,185]

Re: anonimity - it would be helpful if other members would refrain from using real names when posting/commenting. Many times togetherforever13 was referred to by her real name. I don't get why people do that.

[Moh&Tam 2]

It has come to my attention that yet, another VJ member from the MENA region is suffering from physical abuse from her husband. He basically just arrived in the US (2 weeks ago).

I don't know about you, but I am fed up with this BS. It's time to take action. I propose we create some sort of anonymous/ confidential board amongst us to help each other out. The issue with anonimity was brought up at togetherforever13's thread; the fact that the perpetrators have access to read threads and even comment as guests.

While we come up with a strategy, can the moderators post some permanent topic on the Family Discussion portion of this website with information on domestic violence? I don't know if that alraedy exists or what else to suggest to put this in the forefront.

Maybe we can strategize by states, even cities. For example, if you live in NY and need help, you can count on the help of members living in the tri-state area.

I may be rambling here and even sounding ridiculous, but this is just unacceptable.

Hi,

This whole subject is so painful to read about. Can we have a permanent thread where those of us who are interested can post our email or yahoo id that is separate from VJ and then the person can contact us directly that way and the abuser would have no way of tracking like they could here? If we want to get one started I am in and happy to help!

Carry on....

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I would like to see a frank discussion among members about how the community as a whole can help prevent scams and abuse. I personally would like to see a pinned topic in MENA, Sub-Sahara, or anywhere really, detailing signs to be worried about. I would think the best way to do it is to discuss what should be there, edit it, etc, and then post it, instead pinning a thread with discussion that tends to veer off-topic. For instance, a good place to start is the warning the Morrocan Embassy has. I wish other consulates (Lagos, etc) would so the same. However, listing things also can have a negative effect - it gives the scammers information and so they can try to avoid the known red flags. I have thought it would good to make a list of people who were scammed/abused, just as proof, but that would hurt those members. Maybe if their stories could be told anonymously or something. I mean, personally, witnessing the before/after posts just make me sick. Especially when I can understand the subtext afterwards, for instance, one member kept posting that she was really worried about "cultural differences" and how her husband would "adapt to American life." In the light, after the fact, that she thought beating your wife was a cultural thing, and that her husband had promised to be an "American husband" with no beating, it is shocking... I know now what she was really saying.

Before VJ, I knew about mail-order brides from Russia, or similar scams, but I had never heard about young-man scamming older-divorced-poorish-female with kids. I think getting this idea into the popular imagination somehow would help. Of course, it is a tricky line to walk, because we don't want any member or group to feel targeted (though I feel targeted every day on this site by people who post anti-Israel anything they can find, over and over, I don't wish it, even on people who hurt me personally).

Also, I think this thread could be in the General forum, to avoid the above.

[Mithra 1,185]

I believe that, in order to be truly helpful, people need to start being completely honest about their situations. So many times on this forum, people conveniently leave out pertinent details about their situation and then wonder why their situation is so much different than everyone elses'. Not only about abuse but about the interview, relationship, and entire visa process. It only does others a disservice when details are left out or lied about. It's just while we're on this subject of wanting frank discussions I thought I'd address this point.

[Mithra 1,185]

Also, we in this forum have been warning women for YEARS about scammers, cheats, abusers, etc and what to look for. No one takes heed of any warnings. Many people get pissed about the warnings and act like others are jealous of their happiness or are just being "mean" and miserable. The warnings don't help, unfortunately.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Also, we in this forum have been warning women for YEARS about scammers, cheats, abusers, etc and what to look for. No one takes heed of any warnings. Many people get pissed about the warnings and act like others are jealous of their happiness or are just being "mean" and miserable. The warnings don't help, unfortunately.

So, is there a way to to this better? Obviously people telling someone personally that they fit a typical pattern is going to hurt, and maybe even make them feel like it's "us against the world" Romeo and Juliet type of thing, which will make them less likely to take heed. What about a non-confrontational pinned topic that outlines typical patterns, with third-party, dispassionate warnings (like the Moroccan Embassy one for a start). Maybe members of each subforum could make a list of what is normal and what is not, for those with no travel experience (another typical scam pattern). Then maybe links to sites about domestic violence or the like?

Edited August 6, 2012 by Harpa Timsah

[Mithra 1,185]

Yeah a list would probably work better but then the person reading the list would have to be honest with themselves and have the ability to identify potential issues they may be having. Denial is a reoccurring problem in this forum.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

This is ridiculous!!! Whoever she is, I hope she gets help and away from him!

[NY_BX 397]

Wow, these are great suggestions. Harpa Timsah, I agree with your post. However, I think posting the red flags & scam stories is a must, even if at a risk of educating scammers. Maybe posting bullet points of the red flags and leaving some logistics out of the stories could help. I believe the reason America's Most Wanted works is because it is in the limelight, for example. Walsh received the same feedback from authorities: "well, it'll scare away the criminal and they'll fly out of the country..." Truth is, they have solved many many cases and prevented others.

Anonimity is essential. So, maybe pin a Scam/ Abuse story thread to warn others isn't a bad idea, but then, the question of protection rises.

[LaL 418]

A few things came to mind when I read through this topic. One is that these conversations happen all the time in MENA. Red flag discussions, abuse discussions, etc etc. It's not something tiptoed around yet - year after year it continues. I guess that's why some think its swept under the carpet? It's not. There is just no shortage. Also - a group for the wounded women of VJ *was* started at one point. I wasn't a part of it, but you can bet those stories made the rounds. Really nice. Information travels very quickly amongst VJers. Lastly - I hope the clues given to kickstart the topic were approved by the involved party.

[NY_BX 397]

A few things came to mind when I read through this topic. One is that these conversations happen all the time in MENA. Red flag discussions, abuse discussions, etc etc. It's not something tiptoed around yet - year after year it continues. I guess that's why some think its swept under the carpet? It's not. There is just no shortage. Also - a group for the wounded women of VJ *was* started at one point. I wasn't a part of it, but you can bet those stories made the rounds. Really nice. Information travels very quickly amongst VJers. Lastly - I hope the clues given to kickstart the topic were approved by the involved party.

What do you mean? I started the topic on a genuine concern; I didn't mention names, usernames, visa type, country... nothing. Can you tell who I was referring to? Outside of being a MENA country and the guy arriving recently.. what else? I'm being as discreet as I can possibly be to protect the victim.

All this said, I agree with you that 'there's no shortage.' This is a HUGE problem. Not big, HUGE. Scams and abuse are intolerable, unacceptable and disturbing... at best. So, what else can we do to help out?