Marriage is breaking apart

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

Hello to all the vj's members here.

Hi guys,I don't know how to start my story but I will try to explain as long as I can.And hopefully,I can pick it up some good information and advices and I really need your expert advices here.Now,to share and start a little bit of my story with him(my husband).I met my husband 5 years ago tru online and after few months of sweet exchanging emails,letters,phone calls,chatting twice or 3 times a day,we got engaged!(3 mos from the time dat we've met online....I know it was fast but oh well).He decided to meet me in person with the engagement ring on it and of course to meet my whole family and formally asked my hand to my parents.I was so happy knowing I will getting married to the man who I fell inlove with and to be there not for me only but for both of us.Before our wedding day,I seriously asked him a questions "Can you give me a kids one day?"and he said YES and he promised.Everything went perfect until we got married,the night after our wedding we didn't do anything we sleep together only and that's it!!!As a wife,I started to feel supicious about his health but he knows how to play his game so that he can keep me, and whatever am doing to start a conversation about our marriage and his health he will raise his voice right away, and I feel like tearing my heart everytime he's doing it to me and we always argue about that almost everyday and everynight, and I feel so sad because it seems he lied to me and become selfish.Our fight started when he can't give me attention,not to be open with me with conversation,not communicating with me always and ended up telling him he lied to me because of what he promised.

Days,Weeks,Months,and Years has gone by,I tried to be positive,strong,value our vows,take care of him with all my heart,understand,patient,eventhough he never give me what I want as his wife(I think),but I always be there for him,lifting him up if he is sad,comfort him.I am very affectionate wife,matured than my age,very open minded person,honest and very faithful one.After the long battled,he decided to bring me up here in the US but before my visa process I confronted him for everything and he promised again he will be there for us and work our marriage as soon as I'll get here(US).We're living together but since our wedding date we don't do couple stuffs and always sleep in separate rooms.Sometimes,I thought he married with me(young)because he wants somebody to take care and watch him only nothing else.Those times in my life was so dark,I always crying whole nigt,I told him how I feel about it but he always ignored me and telling i'll get over it.I asked him many times for counselling but nothing happen.Now,I am tired and I wanted to get out of this messy life.I don't wanna cry at all because it seems there's no tears left from me.I am still young and I wanted to be happy only and to have my own family someday.But I don't know how to start and make a right decision since I'm always scared about my status. :crying:

MY QUESTIONS ARE:

1.Can I file a Divorce to my husband?If I could,how it will affect to my status?(I am LPR already and married with him over 4 years now and one more year to be waiting and I will be able to apply for citizenship).

2.What are all the disadvatages/advantages if I will file a divorce before my Naturalization?

3.He can really do something and hold my status and file againts me for divorcing him?

4.What I needed to do?

5.What are all the steps?

Please guys I really need your help/expert advices on this situation & every information must be appreciated.

Please feel free to drop some info and enlighten my mind (

I am very tired,frustrated and very confuse now.

Thank you!!!

P.S I tried my best to value our marriage but his the only one pushing me away from him

[Ron and Rhea 42]

So sad to read your story. I don't have answers to your questions. But to me, the way you are telling the story, he is not being a husband...or even a good human being. I do not blame you for attempting to divorce him, unless he was upfront with any conditions he had, you do not deserve to be treated like that.

You tried therapy, and I can attest, it can work miracles, if both of you guys want it to....he would be amazed at what could happen there. I went for a few months, about a year and a half ago, I only wished I went a long time ago.

There are plenty of smart people on here so I know you will get answers to your questions.

Good luck sister.

[raf.luv.leah 5]

Hi Redvelvet,

You have had a lot of time to think about this (four years!) but I think you need more communication before you start looking for answers about divorce.

1. Have you talked to him about the possibility of divorce (not counseling anymore) because of his behavior? This might help him stop ignoring you and actually listen since it's a solid threat.

2. Have you talked to his family about his behavior? It's a possibility that they know something you don't (even if you have been his wife for four years) at might help you understand his behavior and think of ways to make it better.

3. Have you talked to your family about the possibility of divorcing him? You need to formulate a plan and prepare for a life without him (e.g. finances, logistics, etc.) before you start researching about divorcing him.

I'm truly sorry for your situation, but even when things seem bleak and hopeless, have faith since God is always there.

L

[Grant PDX 183]

What was the date your first green card was issued? If you've had your green card for three years, haven't spent extended periods of time outside of the US, and are still married to the husband who brought you to the US (which it sounds like you are), you can apply now for citizenship. It's normally 5 years, but only 3 for spouses who meet the above criteria. Look into the requirements, you may be able to apply for citizenship immediately.

As far as getting a divorce, it sounds like you would have no problems getting divorced and still being able to apply for citizenship after having your GC for 5 years. As long as you entered into your marriage in good faith, getting a divorce won't cause you to lose your legal status here. In fact if you have your 10 year GC, which it sounds like you have, a divorce for any reason won't cause you to lose status at this point.

If you meet the criteria above, you could try filing for citizenship immediately and get that finished and then if you still want the divorce contact an attorney to get that started. There are divorce/family attorney's all over, get a recommendation where you live.

If you want to pursue the divorce immediately, find an attorney now. Then you can apply for citizenship after having had your GC for 5 years. The only issue would be if you didn't enter into your marriage in good faith, which based on your post doesn't seem to be a problem.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you whether you seek a divorce or are able to get counseling or otherwise remain with your husband. The grass isn't always greener somewhere else, so if you can work out your current relationship to your satisfaction it would be ideal.

[rika60607 215]

are you saying your marriage was never consummated?

(you never had sex with your husband)?

this may have legal implications...

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

I don't know how to start and make a right decision since I'm always scared about my status.

MY QUESTIONS ARE:

1.Can I file a Divorce to my husband?If I could,how it will affect to my status?(I am LPR already and married with him over 4 years now and one more year to be waiting and I will be able to apply for citizenship).

1a) Yes

1b) (for what you're seeking...ultimately)..No

2.What are all the disadvatages/advantages if I will file a divorce before my Naturalization?

"All" covers a lot of ground. Please be more specific.

3.He can really do something and hold my status and file againts me for divorcing him?

(based on your story)...No

4.What I needed to do?

Again...the (response) explanation / instructions / advice requires a lot of information for full disclosure. Please be more specific.

5.What are all the steps?

See #4.

______________________________________________

(since you posted this in the PI forum) Are you Filipino?

If yes....There are divorce ramifications to consider.

/

Edited March 28, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

So sad to read your story. I don't have answers to your questions. But to me, the way you are telling the story, he is not being a husband...or even a good human being. I do not blame you for attempting to divorce him, unless he was upfront with any conditions he had, you do not deserve to be treated like that.

You tried therapy, and I can attest, it can work miracles, if both of you guys want it to....he would be amazed at what could happen there. I went for a few months, about a year and a half ago, I only wished I went a long time ago.

There are plenty of smart people on here so I know you will get answers to your questions.

Good luck sister.

Hi Ron&Diana-Thank you for your post.Maybe I am very understanding wife and that's why he always take advantage of what I did.I asked him like "thousand times"for counselling but no answer until now.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

Hi Redvelvet,

You have had a lot of time to think about this (four years!) but I think you need more communication before you start looking for answers about divorce.

1. Have you talked to him about the possibility of divorce (not counseling anymore) because of his behavior? This might help him stop ignoring you and actually listen since it's a solid threat.

2. Have you talked to his family about his behavior? It's a possibility that they know something you don't (even if you have been his wife for four years) at might help you understand his behavior and think of ways to make it better.

3. Have you talked to your family about the possibility of divorcing him? You need to formulate a plan and prepare for a life without him (e.g. finances, logistics, etc.) before you start researching about divorcing him.

I'm truly sorry for your situation, but even when things seem bleak and hopeless, have faith since God is always there.

L

[/

Hello 'raf.luv.leah' -Thank you for ur empathy and I do appreciated all of ur words here.

1.Yes,After I've asked him a"thousand times"to seek counselling for our marriage and I can't see no effort from him.I told him I can't do this at all,I can't be there around and try to pretend that I am OK because I am not.The problem, if I start talking with him about our "MARRIAGE" he will always insisting I am just a drama and I will get over how i feel(which is for me is not a drama it's very emotional situation for me and I wanted to talk to him like an adult person but I can't).

2.He has only one close family member(nephew).Yes,I always try to ask to his nephew about him and the things that I never know(behavior,etc.)

3.He has only one immediate family left(her sister but we never meet yet since she live far away from us and they are not close bro&sis).Only one person I can talk to and share how I feel towards our marriage(His Nephew).His nephew agreed with me to file a divorce since he never do something about our problem and always ignored me.I did everything I could to save our marriage but it seems it's enough I can't handle it no more.I know it is very hard for me(financial,to stand up alone since I don't have any family member here).

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

What was the date your first green card was issued? If you've had your green card for three years, haven't spent extended periods of time outside of the US, and are still married to the husband who brought you to the US (which it sounds like you are), you can apply now for citizenship. It's normally 5 years, but only 3 for spouses who meet the above criteria. Look into the requirements, you may be able to apply for citizenship immediately.

As far as getting a divorce, it sounds like you would have no problems getting divorced and still being able to apply for citizenship after having your GC for 5 years. As long as you entered into your marriage in good faith, getting a divorce won't cause you to lose your legal status here. In fact if you have your 10 year GC, which it sounds like you have, a divorce for any reason won't cause you to lose status at this point.

If you meet the criteria above, you could try filing for citizenship immediately and get that finished and then if you still want the divorce contact an attorney to get that started. There are divorce/family attorney's all over, get a recommendation where you live.

If you want to pursue the divorce immediately, find an attorney now. Then you can apply for citizenship after having had your GC for 5 years. The only issue would be if you didn't enter into your marriage in good faith, which based on your post doesn't seem to be a problem.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you whether you seek a divorce or are able to get counseling or otherwise remain with your husband. The grass isn't always greener somewhere else, so if you can work out your current relationship to your satisfaction it would be ideal.

Hi Grant n Karleen-Thank you for your post I appreciated it a lot.

~I am an IR1 visa/DCF, since we applied for it after 2 years of our marriage and met the requirements for US spouse who needs to live 1 year in the foreign country(which he lived with me for one year in the Philippines before we applied and qualified for "DCF Direct Consulate Filing" which means.... once I get into the US i will receive 10 year greencard right away(it's a different process "DCF' for a couple who applied for a visa after 2 year of marriage).My 10 year gc was issued when I arrived here(2010),since that time of arrival I never get outside in the US.

I been here last 2010 only, but I hold my 10 year gc already(since I am IR1 benefeciary/Direct Consulate Filers).I am faithful wife and he knows it.I heard one more year and I will be qualify to apply for citizenship but not sure yet if that was right.I don't know

But my question is....

If I will file a divorce(by myself)how much it cost for the attorney?

If I will file a divorce,Do I need to gather all of the proof of our relationship that our marriage was in good faith?(like bank joint statement,pictures,lease,etc.)

I know what are you tring to say,but the longer we live together the more we live like a friend only, and that's not what I want for a marriage.

Sorry if I do have lots of questions but I am so confuse what to do.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

are you saying your marriage was never consummated?

(you never had sex with your husband)?

this may have legal implications...

I don't know but only I remember(last time we had sex was 2008 and it was like 2times in 2008 and after that.... not at all).

I know I have tons of valid reasons for Divorcing him but I don't know how to start and where.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

1a) Yes

1b) (for what you're seeking...ultimately)..No

"All" covers a lot of ground. Please be more specific.

(based on your story)...No

Again...the (response) explanation / instructions / advice requires a lot of information for full disclosure. Please be more specific.

See #4.

______________________________________________

(since you posted this in the PI forum) Are you Filipino?

If yes....There are divorce ramifications to consider.

/

Thank you Crashed for the reply.

Sorry about my post(confusing).

Disadvanatages=

a.If I will file a divorce now(He can put me on denial for applying my citizenship in the future after seeking a Divorce?

b.Is there any chance of him to file againts me(like fraud)?

c.I heard if I will seek Divorce before my citizenship the embassy/consular will put me "uneligible to apply"since the petitioner and beneficiary are not living together?

Advantages=

a.If I can file a Divorce right now,there's a possibility that there'll be no problem for my citizenship?

b.How about if I will apply for a citizenship after Divorce and I can do it without my petitioner?

YES,I am a Filipino.Can u tell me what is "divorce ramifications?"or any site that u can refer to me so that I can read.

All your help must be appreciated.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Thank you Crashed for the reply.

You're welcome.

Sorry about my post(confusing).

No need to apologize.

Disadvanatages=

a.If I will file a divorce now(He can put me on denial for applying my citizenship in the future after seeking a Divorce?

b.Is there any chance of him to file againts me(like fraud)?

c.I heard if I will seek Divorce before my citizenship the embassy/consular will put me "uneligible to apply"since the petitioner and beneficiary are not living together?

A) No. (but) Be aware...LPR can apply for US citizenship upon completing year 3 if still married to original petitioner. (I know some submit application 90 days prior to 3rd year anniversary) Divorce postpones eligibility to 5 years.

B) He can (attempt to)"file" anything he wants. (but) As long as you are not guilty of any fraud...you have nothing to worry about except for the potential inconvenience he may cause.

C) See A

Advantages=

a.If I can file a Divorce right now,there's a possibility that there'll be no problem for my citizenship?

b.How about if I will apply for a citizenship after Divorce and I can do it without my petitioner?

A) See above.

B) Yes and...You are the petitioner.

YES,I am a Filipino.Can u tell me what is "divorce ramifications?"or any site that u can refer to me so that I can read.

The short answer...if you initiate the divorce (or...dissolution of marriage)...PI will not recognize the divorce. The PI citizen must be the "respondent" in order for PI to recognize and allow you to marry.. again..In PI.

Also...You should take a look at this....and review Ewok's "General info on Naturalization" thread.

/

Edited March 28, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

The short answer...if you initiate the divorce (or...dissolution of marriage)...PI will not recognize the divorce. The PI citizen must be the "respondent" in order for PI to recognize and allow you to marry.. again..In PI.

@ ~RedVelvet~

Everything Crashed has said is spot on.

I would like to elaborate on what I quoted from his post...

The ability to marry again in the Philippines is really the only downside to you leaving him and filing for divorce now. I would operate on the assumption that your husband is happy with how things are and won't file for divorce so it would be left on your to do. He might even have hopes that you won't because the Philippines wont' recognize the divorce if you file it. Working on this assumption you have two options:

1) Leave him and file for divorce yourself. If you want to be acknowledged as single in the Philippines then you can spend the money to file for Annulment in the Philippines.

2) Wait it out to leave him after you've naturalized.

Honestly I would never recommend someone to stay in a situation like you've described just to save a bit of time & money.

BTW, I returned this thread to The Philippines Regional SubForum as the OP is Filipino and originally posted it here so the assumption is that she's looking for input from other Fil/AM couples.

FWIW, whoever moved this thread from the PH forum didn't leave a redirect in the original forum or a note in the thread about why they moved it.

Edited March 28, 2012 by Bob 4 Anna

[Philwithlove 17]

marriage is sacred for me and divorce will never be an option. specially like what you said, you love your husband. watched the movie fireproof, its a great movie. pray that your husband will do his part in your marriage. before our wedding, we had a counseling and the pastor offered his time if incase we need counseling. Go to your church and ask your help from the pastor or the priest what's they can do to convince your husband to come with you in counseling. prayers can do miracles you know.

i am sad hearing or reading post about divorce and people are so worried about their status than their promise to God to live and love each other for better or for worse.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

You're welcome.

No need to apologize.

A) No. (but) Be aware...LPR can apply for US citizenship upon completing year 3 if still married to original petitioner. (I know some submit application 90 days prior to 3rd year anniversary) Divorce postpones eligibility to 5 years.

B) He can (attempt to)"file" anything he wants. (but) As long as you are not guilty of any fraud...you have nothing to worry about except for the potential inconvenience he may cause.

C) See A

A1.I am little bit confuse here crashed.Umm,3 years married with the original petitioner and 3 year domicile right?(since am already 10yr gc holder and living here 2 years already(and one more year to be qualify with my citizenship),but I married him over 4 years now, and that long of marriage is there a tendency that the consulate will deny my application one day? (because of what i've filed "Divorce").

a

A2.How difficult for me(beneficiary)to apply for a citizenship without my original petitioner?(my husband).

A) See above.

B) Yes and...You are the petitioner.

The short answer...if you initiate the divorce (or...dissolution of marriage)...PI will not recognize the divorce. The PI citizen must be the "respondent" in order for PI to recognize and allow you to marry.. again..In PI.

Yeah,I know in the Philippines, Divorce is not legal but I know I could file an annulment there one day if I really need too.(Sigh)

Also...You should take a look at this....and review Ewok's "General info on Naturalization" thread.

/

Thank you very much Crashed,atleast I had some good/specific details from you.

BTW,I read the website that posted,it helps for lifting me up lil bit.