Has marriage & life been what you expected?

[Mithra 1,185]

I wish you peace and happiness, Kat. I hate that your husband made you experience so much hurt and sadness.

Happy Mothers Day, Kat . I hope you're enjoying the day with your beautiful children.

I got pregnant when I was over there and then lost the child shortly after birth. It was then I knew he was not planning on staying with me ( when he wouldnt try again nor wanted anymore kids with me) I stayed with him.. sometimes in and out of the house. He is now a citizen. I don't regret anything on his behalf. I am glad I was able to add something to his life and change it for the better. Truthfully, I would have never married him nor brought him here had I known 1/8th of the ####### he would pull when he got here but now he has naturalised and calmed down and honestly, I think the stress of immigration, status made things unbearable for him.

I wish him the very best. We are not legally divorced but when a mena man does not want to get you pregnant and both of you can and there is nothing else inhibiting you, he is not planning on staying with you and will find his way out of the marriage. I love him but I can honestly say that I did not appreciate losing 6 years of my life for nothing. I do care and love him but I know that I was just a means to an end, sadly.. Glad I could be of service though..

Ironically, all I feel is forgiveness in my heart. I feel no bitterness. He had alot of losses in his immediate family back home while he was gone and something in my heart just let all my anger go. I think he will do fine in the years to come. I hope I heal and eventually some day, when my children are older, find someone who loves me for me and plans on staying with me and building something with me. When you know someone does not love you and you in your heart know you were a means to an end, something dies inside. I know as time goes by that he will realise all the ####### I went through to bring him here and support him like I did.. but that is in the future. Right now , when I look at him, its like looking at a job where you know there will be a big layoff, you just do not know when. I know I am not permanent thing for him .. and although it hurts, there is clarity at least

[Laveau 67]

Kat, I'm sincerely sorry that you went through what you went through. But for years you hv been giving the same advice. Why wouldn't YOU take your own advice? Even now...

What is so special about YOUR husband and YOU that you would not take YOUR OWN ADVICE?

[sandinista! 1,816]

Groundhogs' Day??

Weren't these exact same things written a few months ago, in this thread if I'm not mistaken?

In its own way, this entire forum is totally Groundhog's Day.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Ugh, ,my post disappeared, so now I have to make a short story even shorter. Yes, it was everything I expected and knew the honeymoon stage ends, for him, I think because he has no relationship experience may be disappointed that things aren't always lovey-dovey, so I think that along with the adjustment was perhaps disappointing though he hasn't said that. He has returned home recently for his father's death and was always comparing the two countries with the US in less favor lol and now he sees both countries are far from perfect, not just the US and was glad to be home.

Also, until I got pregnant, we hardly bickered and now that we have triplet baby boys, we do about weekly, but that would be for any parents of multiples lol. It's crazyyyy in this house as far as the work and energy put into the babies.....Im trying to get me a few minutes of computer and TV time for 30 min before going to bed lol! I wish I could write more, but I have to go to sleep...I really enjoyed reading all the stories here and I'm sorry Kat what happened to you. I remember

And yes, it is often like Groundhog's day in here, but ah, well....

[Mithra 1,185]

Triplets would make any household crazy at least while they're still babies. The bickering is totally understandable. My husband and I bicker and we just have one baby lol. Well the one baby and the older kids but compared to the baby, the older kids are angels.

LOL about Ground Hog's Day.

Ugh, ,my post disappeared, so now I have to make a short story even shorter. Yes, it was everything I expected and knew the honeymoon stage ends, for him, I think because he has no relationship experience may be disappointed that things aren't always lovey-dovey, so I think that along with the adjustment was perhaps disappointing though he hasn't said that. He has returned home recently for his father's death and was always comparing the two countries with the US in less favor lol and now he sees both countries are far from perfect, not just the US and was glad to be home.

Also, until I got pregnant, we hardly bickered and now that we have triplet baby boys, we do about weekly, but that would be for any parents of multiples lol. It's crazyyyy in this house as far as the work and energy put into the babies.....Im trying to get me a few minutes of computer and TV time for 30 min before going to bed lol! I wish I could write more, but I have to go to sleep...I really enjoyed reading all the stories here and I'm sorry Kat what happened to you. I remember

And yes, it is often like Groundhog's day in here, but ah, well....

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Kat, I'm sincerely sorry that you went through what you went through. But for years you hv been giving the same advice. Why wouldn't YOU take your own advice? Even now...

What is so special about YOUR husband and YOU that you would not take YOUR OWN ADVICE?

I am in the process of getting out and there is nothing special about him. HOWEVER, I wish that people would have been very frank and candid with me years ago instead of sugar coating it.. BEFORE I PETITIONED. I knew very little and honestly most women chatting over the internet know and understand how expensive, involved and lengthy this process is. I would have never ever ever undertaken it had I full understood the time frame, the risks and what would happen to me in the end.. However, I fell into the MMID club so who knows if I would have listened anyway LOL

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I wish you peace and happiness, Kat. I hate that your husband made you experience so much hurt and sadness.

Happy Mothers Day, Kat . I hope you're enjoying the day with your beautiful children.

Thanks Mithra. I am doing ok. Its been a long hard road but there is a lot of light for me in every single direction. I feel very sorry for my husband more than anger because all the things he did to get something material did not prepare him for the emptiness of getting it. One of the hardest things to find in life is someone who truly truly loves you for you. When you love in vain and do everything you can to help someone and you care compassionately and are not a taker, you arent left angry or empty. In fact, you can sleep at night, knowing you always did the most compassionate thing.

Ironically, as you guys know I am one of the biggest axe grinders ever and I am not going to deny it but after a while, when you keep looking to grind axes, it inhibits you from enjoying your life. I literally developed a stress induced auto immune disease and my hair fell out from stress.. I would go in the shower and clumps of hair fell out. Something had to give.

Are there men from mena who specifically target women who might not normally find a husband in the US and manipulate them to get papers etc? Absolutely. I cannot say I don't cringe when I see a 10 from there hooking up with a 3 from here or a much older woman petitioning for a guy in his 20s who is just heartbreakingly in love with that guy. I cringe, cringe cringe. But there is nothing you can do for the women who make these choices other than love and support them when the relationship ends and while they are in it, encourage them to make sound financial decisions such as not co signing until the relationship is fully established etc. The important thing is that we are there for each others, as Americans for ANYONE petioning from mena because any way it turns out, we have to look at ourselves and know we were compassionate, honest without being unkind and forthright about our experiences. On a higher level, I can feel that I did something amazing for someone who might have never had the opportunity to travel or live here and I probably changed several peoples lives, perhaps the lives of the new wife who will most likely immigrate here or family members who might be petitoned. So in an altruistic way, my experience helped others. BUT in a self preservation way, I feel that I destroyed myself on many levels and that I most likely have done permanent damage to my health, both emotional and how I view men, relationships etc.Six years is a long time to throw away on something I got nothing out of in the end.

I mean if anyone can somehow see how us talking about any of this helps others or helps ourselves, let me know. The problem is no matter what you say, no matter how many flags you point out or you can talk to you are blue in the face, people are going to do what they want to do and our egos protect us from taking a hard long look at our looks or life situation to make good decisions. We all think we are different and that nothing can happen to us so honestly warning anyone seems kind of stupid..

Any opinions on talking about any of this?

Its not groundhog day,,,its ground hog decade I think

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Triplets would make any household crazy at least while they're still babies. The bickering is totally understandable. My husband and I bicker and we just have one baby lol. Well the one baby and the older kids but compared to the baby, the older kids are angels.

LOL about Ground Hog's Day.

I dont want to be suspended again or the thread locked so stay away from certain subjects...or at least keep me out of the subjects..

Just for the record, in 7 years , I have never asked that another VJ member be suspended NOR have I have ever asked that a thread be censored or locked because I did not like something in it. I don't roll that way nor am I hypersensitive. How could I be around this joint? And I have been trashed a hell of a lot harder than most.. IMHO

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I dont want to be suspended again or the thread locked so stay away from certain subjects...or at least keep me out of the subjects..

Just for the record, in 7 years , I have never asked that another VJ member be suspended NOR have I have ever asked that a thread be censored or locked because I did not like something in it. I don't roll that way nor am I hypersensitive. How could I be around this joint? And I have been trashed a hell of a lot harder than most.. IMHO

I agree with the whole ground hog assesment.

Life was NOT what I expected at all. However, I keep looking for the things in my life that are better because of my choices and there are some things that have become better, my health was not one of them. My journey with immigration ended in the last few weeks. My journey legally is still ongoing and emotionally, I am not sure where I stand as far as getting over any of this, if there is any getting over it.

I want to go to Morocco with my daughter ( my spouse is not from there) but it will have to wait until I have more money and she is older but I still have dreams of travelling and doing things. I hold no ill will towards entire groups of people nor do I think every single person is in the same boat or will be in the same boat as me.

HOWEVER, I do talk a lot to my moroccan friends, both male and female about how it feels to be on the other side of the equation and how its not a victimless situation and even though American culture seems very shallow in some respects, Americans hurt too, they cry too, they feel the loss of the relationship too... and that somewhere in the American's heart, she hurt from what happened and that if they loved the mena or moroccan very deeply, that it was devastating for them. Thats the part that I found odd was the view that somehow that when someone is only married for papers in their mind, that they arent hurting anyone. Its the 900 pound elephant in the room. I think many mena people see Americans as perhaps less committed in their marriages or less family oriented because our girls move out young and some of our culture does not seem real protective ...The American exes of many of these guys are 900 pound elephants in the room.

I found myself arguing on facebook today with the ex wife of a tunisian who was mad about a muslim prom in Michigan and is constantly railing against Islam. I am not innocent of railing and railing but I asked her how grinding an axe towards all muslims was helping her situation in particular. She has 3 kids with a tunisian guy and I told her she needs to just let all the rage go (easy for me to say ahahhahah) Especially if there are kids involved. I love the moroccan part of my daughter and i like so many parts of mena culture. Losing a husband from over there is like being eliminated from a contest. You lost. You either lose graciously ( which trust me is very very very hard to do but possible or you sulk and stay mad for life) Sorry for the analogy. I dont know how to express what I am feeling

[Mithra 1,185]

You probably wouldn't have listened anyways. Not many ppl do. That's ok. Most ppl have to experience and learn for themselves. I'm one of those ppl, too.

I am in the process of getting out and there is nothing special about him. HOWEVER, I wish that people would have been very frank and candid with me years ago instead of sugar coating it.. BEFORE I PETITIONED. I knew very little and honestly most women chatting over the internet know and understand how expensive, involved and lengthy this process is. I would have never ever ever undertaken it had I full understood the time frame, the risks and what would happen to me in the end.. However, I fell into the MMID club so who knows if I would have listened anyway LOL

[Ihavequestions 419]

I think many mena people see Americans as perhaps less committed in their marriages or less family oriented because our girls move out young and some of our culture does not seem real protective

It has a lot to do with hours and hours in front of a television set. The American television shows on offer here are Friends, Dr. Phil, Oprah, and ... Jerry Springer, none of which are accurate reflections of either the US or Americans, however, that's what people have piped into their living rooms. Top that off with an educational system that discourages critical thinking and you can only imagine the overwhelming opinion.

The other part of the equation is that MENA men frequently travel to work and provide. It's not unusual. However, when they're like crabs in a bucket, pulling each other down trying to escape so they can travel to work and provide, few are able to get out and, unfortunately, the only way they can get into developed countries is through marriage.

Although I do know a guy who carved up a potato, stamped an entry visa for Italy into his own passport, and it worked. This was many years ago, of course. He then married an Italian girl - and stayed married to her until his papers were settled. Then he divorced her and went to the US, where he married an American. They live in Egypt now.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

It has a lot to do with hours and hours in front of a television set. The American television shows on offer here are Friends, Dr. Phil, Oprah, and ... Jerry Springer, none of which are accurate reflections of either the US or Americans, however, that's what people have piped into their living rooms. Top that off with an educational system that discourages critical thinking and you can only imagine the overwhelming opinion.

The other part of the equation is that MENA men frequently travel to work and provide. It's not unusual. However, when they're like crabs in a bucket, pulling each other down trying to escape so they can travel to work and provide, few are able to get out and, unfortunately, the only way they can get into developed countries is through marriage.

Although I do know a guy who carved up a potato, stamped an entry visa for Italy into his own passport, and it worked. This was many years ago, of course. He then married an Italian girl - and stayed married to her until his papers were settled. Then he divorced her and went to the US, where he married an American. They live in Egypt now.

How are you IHAVE QUESTIONS? Have you fallen in love again? You live in Egypt right? Do you see yourself remarrying from there or from anywhere?

Wouldn't it be nice if you met someone with their papers already who was just back home and fell madly in love and got married? LOL

sigh....

[Ihavequestions 419]

How are you IHAVE QUESTIONS? Have you fallen in love again? You live in Egypt right? Do you see yourself remarrying from there or from anywhere?

I'm fabulous!

Hey, if we have to be something, why not be fabulous?

Kat, I've been in love. I fell in love with Egypt the minute I set foot on the ground. That was what started the downhill slide with the ex-husband: I didn't want to leave and go back to a dismal economy and start over with an immigrant who believed he would earn a million Egyptian pounds ($166,000 USD) in five years, come back, and open a wildly successful cafe. And he was going to do it by selling falafels to Egyptians in New Jersey. Yeah, he let me know all that after we got married.

So I left him, waited it out, and (woot!) I'm divorced and having the time of my life - without him.

Do I see myself marrying again? An Egyptian?

No.

Don't get me wrong. They're great friends - gallant, gentlemen, loyal, fiercely protective, etc. Why would I marry an Egyptian man if all of those lovely attributes aren't muddled by the stuff that comes along with marriage? In other words, I'm getting the milk for free and there's a lot to be said for no strings attached friendships.

Wouldn't it be nice if you met someone with their papers already who was just back home and fell madly in love and got married? LOL

sigh....

I've learned a couple of valuable life lessons here.

One is that food is precious.

Another is that really is INSH'ALLAH and if I'm going to get married again, that's because it's God's plan, not mine.

I meet lots of Egyptians that are here with papers - green cards that they're diligent about keeping valid, expired green cards to show off, and even US passports. All of them are married, some with a wife here and a wife there, others with husbands who can't or won't leave Egypt.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Are there men from mena who specifically target women who might not normally find a husband in the US and manipulate them to get papers etc? Absolutely. I cannot say I don't cringe when I see a 10 from there hooking up with a 3 from here or a much older woman petitioning for a guy in his 20s who is just heartbreakingly in love with that guy. I cringe, cringe cringe.

Kat, you can't take your own culture and apply it in MENA.

You just can't do that.

[Staashi 371]

IHQ, so happy for you. Go on with your fabulous self! I also fully agree, get the milk for free, sister. As my friend said to me recently, ”Better to be single than to wish you were.”