Looking to be with my boyfriend but not ready for marriage...

[pocheros 101]

Unfortunately there aren't many visa options available to you unless, as stated, an employer really wants to hire you over an american or you get married. Believe me I feel you... I think you are wise to not rush in and get married right away. My husband and I dated long distance for 3 1/2 years before we got married. It was NOT easy... sometimes I wondered why we were putting ourselves through all this, but for some reason we stuck with it. However, I am SO glad we waited before getting married because it allowed us to really get to know each other well and develop our trust (you have to believe that they're not doing anything behind your back if you don't see them for 3-4 months at a time!) And I believe the difficulty of the long distance relationship made us stronger because if we can manage that together, well we can manage anything

There is no easy answer to this kind of thing. Love is blind until you really get to know the other person well, if you're in a long distance relationship you have to have faith in the other person and also be a little crazy IMO. There is no definite way of knowing if its worth it or not until AFTER the fact...

So I suggest you continue seeing each other and plan long visits where possible until you're really sure it's the right decision. After a year of dating my husband long distance I was not okay with the idea of getting married. I wasn't after two years either. But after 3 years for some reason it clicked and it was the right decision.

[thursdayschild 0]

As everyone else has said, there isn't really a visa that allows for what you're looking for. I would have been all over it years ago (as would thousands of others, I'm sure). Ultimately we decided after 7 years and several longer trips to see each other (5 weeks and 12 weeks) that the K-1 was right for us. It's not easy to wait, but it is necessary if you have even the slightest doubts.

[cananner 2]

I met my boyfriend online Jan '10. We did some short visits (2 weeks in May, 2 weeks in Aug) but knew that we wouldn't be able to figure anything out without living together. I was out of school and working, so I managed to save some money and decided that I would go visit him for a few months so that we could experience living together and have plenty of in-person time to discuss what we would do with our future. So I stayed with him from Dec '10 to April of this year. It took us AGES to figure out what we wanted to do in terms of figuring out how to be in the same place as soon as possible. We looked at things from every angle and finally decided that what was best would be to have me get a K-1 visa to come and live with him. Living together helped us realize that we were completely compatible, and that we were in it for the long haul. I know that the idea of marriage does freak us out a bit, but only because it's earlier than we would have liked (if we were from the same country, we would just have moved in together and saved marriage for later). It sucks that being from the US and Canada means we don't have many options, but we're ready to commit, so we're going with the visa.

I didn't have any trouble entering or leaving the US. I was there for less than 6 months. The crappy part was not being able to work, so I would understand if that turns you off from wanting to do a long visit. But it's one way that you can be together for enough time that you can really see what it's like to deal with everyday ups and downs. I don't know what the rules are for an American visiting Canada, but I imagine he could do the same thing if that would be better for you.

Good luck with your decision! I'd never had to make one as big/crazy til this, and it does feel unfair that even though we live in neighboring countries, we're so limited and the options involve so much bureaucracy. But you just have to stay positive and do whatever feels like the best thing for both of you.

[Angerona 1]

First off, do you qualify for a TN Visa? Do you have the proper skills and education required? Do you have any work experience that correlates?

This is iffy at best. I have my bachelors degree and two years of college that I am completing now to be an educational assistant (often listed as a paraprofessional in the US). These jobs aren't particularly high paying and so the fees alone associated with hiring me could easily mean being instantly declined. The school board in the area I want to work had four or five openings in mid-October whereas none of the school boards in my area have any positions open at all and it is rare that these positions are posted at all beyond the end of August so that leads me to believe there is at least *some* need (but not necessarily enough), but the number of EA's needed in a given school can change drastically from year to year so even that is pretty shaky. I do some one-on-one work now in terms of experience, and I have some volunteer experience as well, but I will also have about four months of co-op experience where we have to have met a bunch of objectives and show that we are capable of handling a spread of situations. I can make it look good on a resume, but it's pretty clear that I'm essentially straight out of school.

[Angerona 1]

I do want to thank all of your for your insight and experience. The process for all of this seems quite overwhelming (I did a LOT of reading last night) and I of course want to make sure that whatever I do, I do within the rules. I have a lot to discuss with my boyfriend (clearly) but you've given me a more coherent look at things. Thanks again!

[SapphireDreams 71]

This is iffy at best. I have my bachelors degree and two years of college that I am completing now to be an educational assistant (often listed as a paraprofessional in the US). These jobs aren't particularly high paying and so the fees alone associated with hiring me could easily mean being instantly declined. The school board in the area I want to work had four or five openings in mid-October whereas none of the school boards in my area have any positions open at all and it is rare that these positions are posted at all beyond the end of August so that leads me to believe there is at least *some* need (but not necessarily enough), but the number of EA's needed in a given school can change drastically from year to year so even that is pretty shaky. I do some one-on-one work now in terms of experience, and I have some volunteer experience as well, but I will also have about four months of co-op experience where we have to have met a bunch of objectives and show that we are capable of handling a spread of situations. I can make it look good on a resume, but it's pretty clear that I'm essentially straight out of school.

Unfortunately your profession doesn't qualify under the TN Visa categories. So the TN Visa is not an option at all. I don't think you;ll qualify for any work visa to be honest since most job (other than private schools) would be government jobs and government jobs do not do visa sponsorships.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Many of us here would have liked the chance to live together first, but it simply wasn't a legal possibility....we understand though.

Continue on as you are for a while and see if your commitment to one another still stays strong. Think of it as going the traditional route - worked for millions of parents and grandparents around the world - living together is only one way to get to know one another

[warlord 72]

Ok with the TN status thing. You could try and get either a status or a visa, the status is TN and the visa is a H1-b. The issue is, you cannot get a TN status with the possibility of immigrating. So you would have actually had gotten the status first, then came to the US then found your boyfriend and take it from there. Any notion that there is any pre-conceived immigration intent will void the TN status. If you are looking at work visa's, the H1-b is more lenient on immigration intent.

Now the issue with the H1-b is the cap I think has already passed and they aren't giving out that many in recent years, so the chances are very low. TN status's are given out frequently as long as you can qualify. No immigration intent (aka living with a boyfriend to see if you might get married down the road), you have to have to have the proper education and work experience and the correct category that matches the description on the TN list and then you will need to find an employer that is willing to go through the process of getting a TN status for you.

So it's not as easy as just walking over the border and getting a work status or a work visa at all...

[thetreble 19]

There is some very silly advice in this thread (ie. "is this even a relationship that you should consider if you don't want to be married?)

Don't listen to any of that dribble.

Here are the facts though.

Sapphire did it the right way. I did it the wrong way. Like you, I wanted to be with my boyfriend after I graduated but didn't know what to do or what steps to take. I wish I had sought out Visajourney before I made my decision. I had been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, knew I wanted to be together, and that's all that mattered. There was NO logic or rational in any of the decisions I made for awhile. So, I went to the border and told the BP officer I was visiting for a few weeks. I ended up staying for 5 months, got engaged and then at the 7th month mark got married. That entire time, I had no job, no life, no friends, baked a lot of cupcakes, waited on my husband to come home, watched every season of ER and missed home like crazy. And then filed AOS. I ended up being in the US for 11 months total not being eligible to work and when I was eligible, i got a shitty job at a construction company where I got paid $12/hr. (As a note, I was making $22/hr as a university student in local government back in Canada)

I'm not sorry for marrying my husband. He's fantastic. If you love your guy, just try to be patient and wait it out for awhile. What I did was not worth my emotional sanity. I cried every day for months. Also, you may want to consider your move to the US right now. Things aren't good!!! Many people are trying to get out of here and try something different. There aren't very many jobs to go around, the housing market is in the toilet and overall it's just dismal.

Also, and this is just my personal advice, make sure you actually WANT to move to the US. Traveling here for a vacation or a few weeks and living here are two different things. I've found it horrible here for the most part and have had a hard time adjusting to suburban New Jersey life. It's been really difficult for me socialize with people because they are so different than what I was used to back home and overall I do not believe in many of the country's social principles. Especially after I got into the working world here, I was shocked at how different people treat each other down here. I know I'm not the only one who has found it difficult either, so just make sure you are ready to make the change because it is a different culture down here. Has he thought about moving up to Canada with you? Make sure you talk about all of your options because I sure wish I had.

Good luck!

Edited October 29, 2011 by thetreble

[skiptex 225]

yikes.. treble.. i feel for ya.. Newark!?

[thetreble 19]

yikes.. treble.. i feel for ya.. Newark!?

Right next door, unfortunately Hillside, which borders Newark.

[Angerona 1]

We have looked at things from all sides and I we have discussed the relative social differences and if he lived in a more conservative area, I would have a larger problem with it. But the fact of the matter is, he is in Seattle and it is a relatively more environmentally conscious, liberal minded place than much more of the country (including the highest minimum wage in the US). I know that it won't be like home, but I also don't think it will be a bad thing. I am confident that there is a lot to do in the area, with my sorts of people and establishments and such. You should know that I plan to leave the area I live in regardless of where I end up because the jobs in my field are flooded with the students that graduate from my college and because I miss the city (I lived in Toronto for five years).

The current plan, if everything works out perfectly, is that after I graduate I will visit for as long as I can. The woman that employed me last summer is working on a full time job for me next year. It wouldn't be in my field but it would be full time for over 20 dollars an hour so it would be a great way to save money as we plan our next steps. I imagine that if things go well with the visit, we'll apply for the K-1 visa and during that time I will save as much as I can for the impending unemployment period that as I understand it will occur during the AOS waiting game. I also plan to make a lot of cupcakes. Everything here, of course, is subject to change, but after discussing all of our options, this is what it is looking like. In terms of jobs in my field, they do exist in the area, since I've checked it out a fair deal, and the spots don't fill that quickly so I imagine that even if I don't initially get a job that I want, I will within my first year there and I can do any number of part-time things while I wait it out.

In short, I'm starting to feel far less nervous and scattered about this whole thing. It's nice to have a basic plan for the future. Thanks again for all of your relative perspectives.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

It really depends on the individual and you will not know how you feel about living in the location until you live here (visiting is never the same). All the advice we give is based on our personal experiences and you are not us Your attitude that you're expecting it to be different, but still ok is a realistic one.

4 years later I still find things that are different but I've been working for 3 1/2 yrs at a job simialr to my last one abck in Canada and enjoy it. I could say its luck but it's honestly some effort on my part. I've made some friends through work and now have some I can hang with outside work - it's been a rough road and I've had just a few weensy meltdowns (my husband might describe them otherwise ). Its not the same as back home,but i find myself thinking of Virginia more as home each time I go back.

[pocheros 101]

I find that in terms of fitting in to the US culturally there's a big difference among individual states. At one point my husband lived in Michigan which was convenient because he was only a 5 hour drive from me but oh boy did I ever despair at the thought of living there! It just so happened that he got a new job in Las Vegas and although I shouldn't speak too soon (I only moved here recently) I actually really like it here, moreso than Brampton, even though I miss some things about Canada. I think the warm weather has a lot to do with it. I would probably not feel the same if I lived in New Jersey or Detroit, though...

It's good that you have a plan and are giving this a lot of thought! As much as people like to romanticize love and act like it's an impenetrable force that can overcome anything, cultural differences exist even in the US (not to mention the economy, health care etc.) and it's not a decision to be made lightly. You don't want to catch yourself doing something like resenting your boyfriend because you moved to somewhere crappy

[sheeshkabelle 153]

I worry about how my husband will feel after he moves here. He lives in Calgary and grew up in Winnipeg. He's moving to Russellville, Tennessee, about as boon docks as one can get. Seriously, I have cows in my back yard.

He's used to the 'big city life' and being single. If he has a few melt downs moving in with me, four kids, three cats, a dog and a pony, I think I'll understand.

In my opinion, having a long distance relationship has been a positive experience. This marriage is by FAR stronger than my first one. We have that connection, and we never felt rushed to pursue anything. We did nothing but talk, it's all we had. We took the first three years day to day and really got to know everything about each other. We never spent any huge amount of time together until AFTER we were married. Don't get me wrong, it does suck at times. But absence makes the heart grow fonder... right?