Engagement rings & Vietnamese culture. Opinions please...

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Hi gang. This is a curious situation. I will fly to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam in May to meet my girl's parent's and have an official engagement party. Now, I would love to have a huge rock to put on my girl's finger, but I have spent a boatload of money travelling to see her twice in Europe last year and of course more money will be spent going to Vietnam in May and then bringing her over to the U.S., a honeymoon (which I refuse to do without, as it's bad luck not to have one. I know from experience), etc.

Frankly, I won't have more than $1500 to$1800 to spend on a ring this May, which is not nearly enough. I want to spend 4 to 5 grand.

My dear girl, who is so understanding, says do not bother with a ring. But I worry about losing face or disappointing her family. I do not want to do that.

So I have thought about what to do and perhaps I can bring what would be the wedding ring in May? I had planned on purchasing a Five Stone Diamond Band. I could afford to buy my girl the big rock she deserves by year's end.

Anyone with any knowledge of Vietnamese culture have any opinions? Anyone have just an opinion?

[3AD 0]

The ring is a good idea I think. Just keep the receipt, use it as evidence and of course make sure she wears it to the interview.

3AD

[dalegg 143]

You know, this is a subject that will have as many different reactions with Vietnamese families as it will anywhere else. It depends on the family.

Some parents there are a lot like depression-era grandparents and parents are here. They've seen such poverty in their lifetime that they can't understand spending such large amounts of money on material items like that.

Other families will judge a man by how much money he spends. At the ceremony they will want to show off any proof of richness to their friends to prove how much wealth their son or daughter has gotten into.

There is no hard and fast rule to this but if the family is of good heart they won't judge you either way.

[STL_HCMC 0]

As a fellow Vietnam K-1 petitioner, we viewed the engagement ring as a symbol of our love and commitment to eachother. I actually passed down an engagement ring that was given to my mother by my father 32 years ago. Her family had no spoken or hidden admissions about size, price, etc.

Let your love and commitment for each other be the light and focus of your visit!

STL_HCMC

[Matt_Stevens 5]

When it comes to Anh's family, so far it seems they are anything but into the money thing or expecting me to shower them with gifts, their daughter with "stuff" or any of other unfortunate things one hears from timeto time. But then again, I have not met them in person yet.

Knowing how much Anh is against my spending money on her and how she got her education by hard work resulting in scholarhips and grants, I imagine she was raised a certain way and that her family will be much like her. That is what I hope, anyway.

In my career I am not making lots of money. But I will do better every year and eventually will be able to provide my wife-to-be a hell of a lifestyle and maybe even a serious upgrade in lifestyle for her parents down the road. It's certainly a goal of mine.

But for now I am just the average Joe and all this travel is a big expense.

As STL_HCMC says, the ring is a symbol of love a commitment. One reason why I just won't settle for less than what I know I can give her down the road. But also one reason why I must give her a ring in May when I arrive. I want her to have something from my heart on that finger. It is very important to me.

[STL_HCMC 0]

When it comes to Anh's family, so far it seems they are anything but into the money thing or expecting me to shower them with gifts, their daughter with "stuff" or any of other unfortunate things one hears from timeto time. But then again, I have not met them in person yet.

Knowing how much Anh is against my spending money on her and how she got her education by hard work resulting in scholarhips and grants, I imagine she was raised a certain way and that her family will be much like her. That is what I hope, anyway.

In my career I am not making lots of money. But I will do better every year and eventually will be able to provide my wife-to-be a hell of a lifestyle and maybe even a serious upgrade in lifestyle for her parents down the road. It's certainly a goal of mine.

But for now I am just the average Joe and all this travel is a big expense.

As STL_HCMC says, the ring is a symbol of love a commitment. One reason why I just won't settle for less than what I know I can give her down the road. But also one reason why I must give her a ring in May when I arrive. I want her to have something from my heart on that finger. It is very important to me.

Just be yourself! If your an average joe she's already indicated that she is more than willing to marry you for who you are.

We don't all have to be rich to have a strong and happy marriage. I've been told by my fiance time after time that she doesn't care if we ever have all the money in the world. All she wishes for is a strong and happy marriage, children and family!

I understand money is important for survival in our global society, but don't let that be the focus of your life!

I often think of a quote, of which I don't know the author, that goes like this: "If money is the focus of your life, then your life is out of focus."

STL_HCMC

[STL_HCMC 0]

When it comes to Anh's family, so far it seems they are anything but into the money thing or expecting me to shower them with gifts, their daughter with "stuff" or any of other unfortunate things one hears from timeto time. But then again, I have not met them in person yet.

Knowing how much Anh is against my spending money on her and how she got her education by hard work resulting in scholarhips and grants, I imagine she was raised a certain way and that her family will be much like her. That is what I hope, anyway.

In my career I am not making lots of money. But I will do better every year and eventually will be able to provide my wife-to-be a hell of a lifestyle and maybe even a serious upgrade in lifestyle for her parents down the road. It's certainly a goal of mine.

But for now I am just the average Joe and all this travel is a big expense.

As STL_HCMC says, the ring is a symbol of love a commitment. One reason why I just won't settle for less than what I know I can give her down the road. But also one reason why I must give her a ring in May when I arrive. I want her to have something from my heart on that finger. It is very important to me.

I'll add this as well...

After living/working in Vietnam (Ho Chi Minh City) for more than 9 months now, and traveling to the countryside (Can Tho), I can say with first-hand knowledge that this culture is built on and held together by values far from money. More important on their list is family and respect.

We could afford to help my fiancee's family more each month, upgrade their lifestyle, etc., but they are content doing it they way they've always done it. All they ask of me is to love, respect and care for their daughter the way I promised them when discussing our engagement plans.

The many Vietnamese that I've come in contact with don't live on expectations, but rather bask in the simple moments of life!

Living in this country from some time is a great way to humble the expectations we bring from America!

STL_HCMC

[wait4ever 0]

There is a point at which showering your sweetheart with expensive gifts creates a gross difference in lifestyle between your sweetheart and the rest of her family. Especially if the family is poor, lavish amounts spent on just her might create some resentment among other family members. This can acutally make it uncomfortable for her. It also takes the focus away from the relationship with her and her family, and places too much emphasis on material posessions. This can also change the way the family views you, from regular guy to "rich American".

It sounds like she comes from a family without lavish expectations. I would play it conservative and buy something more affordable now. In the future you will have the chance to spoil her, perhaps something better done in the US anyway, when she will develop expectations. Also, given the importance of including family in your celebration, you might want to think more about applying your money to making sure there is plenty of food, drink, a good photographer, etc. Long after she joins you in the US, the family will still be showing off the wedding pictures and watching the video over and over.

[CarolineM 0]

Sorry to butt in. I am not vietnamese, neither is my husband...but from the perspective of a woman, and a wife.

It doesn't matter. Trust me. I am sure that she just wants YOU - and no one is ignorant to how much travel costs these days...

We were lucky and had a n heirloom ring to use, but had we not, I would not have asked for ring, and if given one would have made him take it back. The visa process is soooo expensive...and I want Stewart - not his ring

PS _ your fiancee is GORGEOUS!

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Thanks for the responses, people. I really appreciate it very much. I'm leabing towards having the wedding "type" band for the Engagement party in May. I want to talk to her about that this week.

Karo112, thank you for kind word. She would die of embarressment if she read it. She is always saying no, she is not pretty compared to other Vietnamese girls. Sorry, but to me, she is a godess. I have hit the jackpot because not only does she have a beaitiful heart and soul, but she's a bloody knockout! Man, life is good!

By the way, I loved your story. Talk about a perfect setup for a romance novel.

[CarolineM 0]

There must be some goddesses there then - because honestly she is beautiful!

Thanks on my story I want to make a screenplay one day about it. I'd go see the movie hehee

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Well, I am a screenwriter (and former starving artist) and I can say that the story would probably best be served as a romantic comedy. The whole rifle shooting angle is ripe for fun, though Hollywood's anti-gun fetish would likely result in it being anti-NRA, anti-gun and all that.

[CarolineM 0]

You are? Really? That's so cool.

I would have omitted the NRA part as well and just made it camp counselors

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Well, I would definitely keep the gun training thing in, just no NRA stuff. Do you write?

[woodgc 0]

I just got back from doing my engagement ceremony and for us you might as well call it a wedding. My fiancée wore the same dress ($85 my suit $125) - both hand made- she will wear for the wedding; sit down dinner for 60 with beer and wine ($675) at a nice restaurant; video taped and photographed ($100). I was asked to present jewelry to my fiancée which cost engagement ring $900 and diamond earrings and necklace $1500- Which my future mother-in-law basically picked out all. My future MIL did ask that I buy the jewerly as a present for my fiancee as part of the engagement so I would go lite on the ring and expect to present other jewelry as part of the whole process. Remember it is a different culture so what means alot to us is different for them and it is for the ladies anyway

I have added the costs so you can see even though we did it up very nicely it was not very expensive. The jewelry being the most costly.

I will add that my fiancée was distressed at the costs and was asking me if we should put the brakes on it to save me money and I told her not to worry it was ok. This made her family very happy and in the end she and I were thrilled at the whole thing. She has now said a simple wedding in the states is all we need to do now but I have left the option of doing a wedding in Vn as well

I will add that this was my 2ed trip and for it my mother-in-law found me a nice motel for $17/night and they did not require the 2ed room if my fiancée stayed late. My first trip was $125/ night for and two rooms so I figure the savings paid for every thing any way.

I have read that the ladies tend to be conservative with money matters and I find this very true my fiancée always is very concerned and careful about our spending. We have very open discussions about money and she always has a good thoughtful input.

The culture differences are there and in tell I did the engagement ceremony I had no true understanding how special it really is.

For those of you who have not proposed yet we all have a fixed idea about what it should be like and most of them seem to think it is a necessary part of American culture for you to be on your knees when it happens and as such it is expected. The clod I am I did not do this and when our discussion on culture expectations and differences came up this differently came up so if you want to be safe be on your knees