Ukrainian Couples... What did you bring?

[Brad and Vika 129]

This thread has been a good read! Svetlana has been here for 10 months and have been married for 8 of those and we have experienced quite the roller coaster of emotions. It seems the two key issues are her family and 21 year old son back in Belarus and her total lack of understanding about $ and finances here. Probably the biggest of the two issues is her son. He specifically stated he had no interest in moving here even though I offered it and of course now its too late to get a visa for him since its been past one year since our K1 approval. Svetlana cant seem to wrap her head around the fact that it will be nearly impossible for him to come and visit here on a tourist visa and her mom is too afraid to "leave the village" to fly here even though she could probably get a visa. This has just about been our undoing on numerous occassions.

Sveta has been driving for a while and has a part time job making only "small money" as she says even though in the same breath she says "I already saved in 4 months enough $ to live for almost 3 years in Belarus!

$ totally freaks her out, she always feels she is one step from living on the street and says that if something happens to me my family would kick her out on the sreet and not care about her. I try and explain to her about the life insurance I have that would take care of her if something happened to me not to mention that all the $ in my bank accounts would be her's and the house too.

Before she came here she literally had only one pair of jeans, two dresses and a few shirts and sweaters and 3 pair of shoes to her name and since being here between myself and my family who have taken great joy in helping her/us get our household in order has managed to establish quite a wardrobe;) Although she will rarely wear things since she still has that saving mentality and is afraid to get something dirty.

She just marvels and the cheap prices here and the ability to be able to return things if you dont like them. I/we have purchased and sent back to Belarus tons of shoes, clothes etc...to her family.

Sveta just left for a 6 week trip back home to help with the garden etc... and her suitcases were filled with things for everybody back home. Here is the short list:shoes, clothes, perfume, pencils, towels, blood preasure monitors (for mom and aunt), 5 jars of peanut butter, lots of chocolates, toys and last but not least 3 sets of swimming goggles for her nephew.

Homesickness has been a huge issue at about month 8 until now, Im just hoping that in time she will settle down and realize that this marriage is the best thing that ever happend to her or her family.

Chin up belarus1 - it does get easier. Vika and her girlfriends all say that the process of getting comfy in America takes about three years. The first year they feel terribly homesick, the second they feel torn between two homes and countries, the third they sort it. My wife seems to be a little ahead of the curve at 18 months or so, and I see the salty fish intake (a barometer of comfort - lower being better ) decreasing steadily. Your wife's issues may work themselves out in time. separation from her son will no doubt still be a point of unhappiness for a while, and I would counsel patience there.

[belarus1 0]

thanks for the words of encouragment guys! Yeah, its been tough, we have had some great times but they some very very bad times as well. Its as if she is afraid to let herself be happy, everything seemingly good that happens is looked upon with suspicion. I can understand it most of the time considering the her background and her prior luck with men in Belarus and her and her families economic situation back home but its really starting to get to me.

I thought she would feel so liberated coming here and not wanting for anything and being able to help out her family back home but that doesnt seem to be the case.

I was and we are very comfortable financially, not rich but not hurting. She has had more food, clothes, recreation etc...in the last 10 months than her entire 38 years previous and she readily admits it but then she will say how much better Belarus is in this way and that way blah blah blah...

Of course she constantly laments the fact that her son and mother have to work so hard for so little money and how difficult thier lives are and I emphasize that we are lucky that we can help them out to make life easier for them but it somehow falls on deaf ears.

She isnt isolated here either, she has about 6 or 7 russian speaking girls that live nearby that she talks to all the time and she always comments how happy they seem to be here and I told her you can too if you just let yourself. Ive talked pretty candidly with a couple of them and they are totally sold on the US and have integrated very well and rarley if every have the desire to go home to visit. They were amazed that I was allowing Sveta to go home so soon and for so long. I told them she isnt a prisoner, she can do as she pleases.

Anyway, it has truly been quite a journey thus far and I just hope the relationship can survive long enough for Svetlana to get comfy here and start to enjoy life. As I tell her, life is too short to be so miserable!

[slim 1,514]

I think you'll see a large improvement in her attitude and overall happiness after her return. The grass wasn't greener after all and surprisingly enough, she actually missed her life here.

Hang in there, buddy. As others have said, it does get better.

[1HappyGuy 45]

Slim is right. Upon her return she will probably feel more at home with you and happy to be home. After an extended visit to Ukraine three years ago my wife said she was happy to be going home when we were flying back to America. It really made me feel better.

There are lots of difficult and funny adjustments to be made along the way. If you are open minded, patient and understanding, then most if not all of the problems will disappear. It is somewhat typical of women to expect things to get worse rather than better if they come from FSU counties. It seems to be part of their makeup. They seem to see the world as a half empty glass rather than as a half full glass.

Give her some time. The issue with her son probably will not be resolved to her satisfaction. Only time will tell where that will go.

[belarus1 0]

yeah, the whole son thing has me worried. I really thought long and hard before I began corresponding with a woman with a child but since he was 20 at the time and had a job and a place to live if Svetlana and I ended up together I went ahead with things. We discussed it and he wanted to stay in Belarus since his english isnt good and his friends, family and job were there and Sveta said "no problem, I will see him when I visit".

She stated she never wanted to come to the US and knew nothing about it but after corresponing with me and meeting in person it no longer mattered.

I remember telling her to get on some of the forums and find out about things here but she refused saying she didnt need other peoples opinions and she didnt like the fact that I frequented this forum in search of advice on the visa process.

Well, now that she is here she has been on lots of forums and it has her scared to death. She states that "she came here like a blind kitten" and knew nothing of life here and I should have told her about everything. I dont even know what she is referring to because she knew about my life here and my family etc... so really its nobody's fault but hers for not doing a bit of research before agreeing to marry me.

She is just so supicious of everyting here, like its all going to be taken away at any moment. I come from a great, rather well to do family that is multicultural as well. (My mother is German). All of my family are very close and we all get along great and they accepted Sveta with open arms like another daughter. Sveta just keeps her distance and swears that my mother hates her which I have no idea where that came from since she is the person that has done probaly the most for her other than me.

I guess as you can tell Im very frustrated with the situation but I love her and care for her and like I said before and some of you have said as well in time things will get better.

[baron555 934]

I come from a great, rather well to do family that is multicultural as well. (My mother is German). All of my family are very close and we all get along great and they accepted Sveta with open arms like another daughter.

I wonder out loud if you and your family are "too close"? I wonder if she is inadvertantly feeling like she is a wedge in the family, maybe because they are so "accepting" of her? Maybe you two need to establish more of your own personal things that only you two do together, and not include your family?

I'm not a psychiatrist but I once slept at a Holiday Inn....and a Motel 6 also!!!

[belarus1 0]

I dont know, at first she just loved my family. Said she felt like they were her own parents. I am going to build a new house and she didnt like the location because it was too far away from them. Over time it seems like the sterotypical mother-in law thing has kicked in with Sveta. My parents leave us alone, they dont drop by un announced or anything like that but it just seems wierd. We definately have our seperate lives and things we do together all the time but who knows, you may be on to something.

[Brad and Vika 129]

yeah, the whole son thing has me worried. I really thought long and hard before I began corresponding with a woman with a child but since he was 20 at the time and had a job and a place to live if Svetlana and I ended up together I went ahead with things. We discussed it and he wanted to stay in Belarus since his english isnt good and his friends, family and job were there and Sveta said "no problem, I will see him when I visit".

She stated she never wanted to come to the US and knew nothing about it but after corresponing with me and meeting in person it no longer mattered.

I remember telling her to get on some of the forums and find out about things here but she refused saying she didnt need other peoples opinions and she didnt like the fact that I frequented this forum in search of advice on the visa process.

Well, now that she is here she has been on lots of forums and it has her scared to death. She states that "she came here like a blind kitten" and knew nothing of life here and I should have told her about everything. I dont even know what she is referring to because she knew about my life here and my family etc... so really its nobody's fault but hers for not doing a bit of research before agreeing to marry me.

She is just so supicious of everyting here, like its all going to be taken away at any moment. I come from a great, rather well to do family that is multicultural as well. (My mother is German). All of my family are very close and we all get along great and they accepted Sveta with open arms like another daughter. Sveta just keeps her distance and swears that my mother hates her which I have no idea where that came from since she is the person that has done probaly the most for her other than me.

I guess as you can tell Im very frustrated with the situation but I love her and care for her and like I said before and some of you have said as well in time things will get better.

Frustration is normal, so don't be too hard on yourself. We have all been there. Her reaction is pretty typical too I think. Research would have done almost no good any way. Most Eastern European people seem to have a pretty wide stubborn streak, and have strong personalities. Once she had made up her mind.... Also, ANY Russian speaker will have instant credibility with her for awhile, and you will spend lots of time dealing with comments she reads in forums, and things girlfriends tell her. It may also be the natural tendency of any woman in her situation to vent to her husband, and it sounds like blame - for everything. The more calm and strength she sees from you, the better that will get. Others make a good point about her going back and really appreciating some of the very things she criticizes now. Hang in there.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Frustration is normal, so don't be too hard on yourself. We have all been there. Her reaction is pretty typical too I think. Research would have done almost no good any way. Most Eastern European people seem to have a pretty wide stubborn streak, and have strong personalities. Once she had made up her mind.... Also, ANY Russian speaker will have instant credibility with her for awhile, and you will spend lots of time dealing with comments she reads in forums, and things girlfriends tell her. It may also be the natural tendency of any woman in her situation to vent to her husband, and it sounds like blame - for everything. The more calm and strength she sees from you, the better that will get. Others make a good point about her going back and really appreciating some of the very things she criticizes now. Hang in there.

It is true they appreciate things more when they go back and do without them. You can imagine the list. when here, they remember the great things and good times, then they go back and find out that riding the busses is really a pain in the @ss compared to driving, not having hot water a few days per week really stinks....yada, yada.

I got a bit of the "you didn't tell me..." also, not too much. There was the realization that people did not shovel cash our direction, though the initial reaction to the normal American income would make them think so. The other things are just things you take for granted and never think about. Who knew? Still, life here is analyzed as having "many pluses" and a "few minuses". Not a fairy tale, not a horror story. Big surprise! Who would have guessed?

[slim 1,514]

any woman in her situation to vent to her husband, and it sounds like blame - for everything. The more calm and strength she sees from you, the better that will get.

This is huge.

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I overheard my wife on the phone with someone "Oh, life is going pretty good and I like it here" right after telling me how horrible it was. Same with her girlfriends. They'll tell me she likes this or that... right after she told me it was horrible.

Take it in stride. She's going to complain to you. She's going to nag and whine about how horrible her life is. But, when it's all said and done, she's going to choose her life over the life back home and the life of her friends, etc. As Brad said, stay calm and keep on being a good man and that foundation in her life. She'll go back and forth about how horrible and how great it is... but as long as you're constant "this is our life here" then she'll always know where to come back to. And she will.

[zqt3344 21]

The USA compared to Ukraine is a paradise. It is 1000 times better, after getting used to the language and culture differences and laws here I love it. I have no desire to go back to Ukraine at all. What is there? As bad as USA has been for past 2-3 years with economy it is still 1000 times better than Ukraine is or probably ever will be. I never complain I was very thankful to leave and get out when I did. USA has so many things to do and opportunities for a person and the people are good and have been nice to me where I live, no one really has been mean to me because I am from Ukraine. To be honest Ukraine was much nicer and cleaner and normal under Soviet Union as compared to now under Ukraine leadership, sad but true, things worked so much better then than they do now. Oh well anyway, I just brought my clothes and personal items in two suitcases to USA when I arrived that has been it. Poka!

This is huge.

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I overheard my wife on the phone with someone "Oh, life is going pretty good and I like it here" right after telling me how horrible it was. Same with her girlfriends. They'll tell me she likes this or that... right after she told me it was horrible.

Take it in stride. She's going to complain to you. She's going to nag and whine about how horrible her life is. But, when it's all said and done, she's going to choose her life over the life back home and the life of her friends, etc. As Brad said, stay calm and keep on being a good man and that foundation in her life. She'll go back and forth about how horrible and how great it is... but as long as you're constant "this is our life here" then she'll always know where to come back to. And she will.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The USA compared to Ukraine is a paradise. It is 1000 times better, after getting used to the language and culture differences and laws here I love it. I have no desire to go back to Ukraine at all. What is there? As bad as USA has been for past 2-3 years with economy it is still 1000 times better than Ukraine is or probably ever will be. I never complain I was very thankful to leave and get out when I did. USA has so many things to do and opportunities for a person and the people are good and have been nice to me where I live, no one really has been mean to me because I am from Ukraine. To be honest Ukraine was much nicer and cleaner and normal under Soviet Union as compared to now under Ukraine leadership, sad but true, things worked so much better then than they do now. Oh well anyway, I just brought my clothes and personal items in two suitcases to USA when I arrived that has been it. Poka!

Yes it is true that the economy in Ukraine iw worse than here...by far. Alla has seen this on her return visits and gets real frustrated now at things like no hot water for no apparent reason and that the internet at our flat, that we pay for in advance, did not work and she was told by the internet company "it may never work...ever"

Despite that I will not say anything bad about Ukraine and I enjoy my time there immensely and we have no intent of giving up our flat there. For one thing, it is cheaper just to keep the place than rent apartments when we visit.

At any rate...yes, I have heard Alla tell people she "could never live in Ukraine" again and then complain to me about some middlin' BS. She also says things were better in the Soviet Union than now. I will take her word for it, I can't say, but there may be some sour grapes in that also.

Brad is correct that the man has to be strong and let this stuff go. If your wife sees you get upset and she feels that she can't "complain to you" then she will feel lost and without anyone. You are supposed to be stronger and bigger. If you let a woman upset you...well, just what kind of man are you? She is a woman, what can she do to upset you? When she is all worried about this or that...she needs you to just be calm and at ease. I believe she sees you not only as her husband, but as her father. I am sure that is the case in this household. You are the patriarch, the head of the family, the guy that fixes things. The reasonable, logical guy that thinks things through and never panicks or gets upset. I have been told directly..."you have to be in front, I have to be behind you, you have to hide me from all this stuff" Her home has to be the "safe place". That means she gets to complain and speak her mind and you just nod and smile and tell her it will be OK. If you argue or disagree, then she is not safe to talk to you. Don't take so much stuff seriously.

[Tnic 5]

"That means she gets to complain and speak her mind and you just nod and smile and tell her it will be OK. If you argue or disagree, then she is not safe to talk to you. Don't take so much stuff seriously."

And THAT takes a little getting used to. One of the many mistakes I made in my last relationship.

[belarus1 0]

good advice guys but very hard to do when things are cussed and discussed over and over agin ad nauseum! I am a kind, understanding and patient man but only to a point. Ive had to tell her on numerous occasions that all is well and there is absolutely no reason to worry about things so much. She has a lot of "baggage" to sort through, feelings of guilt (we have all this nice stuff and my family has nothing), insecurities about money, insane jealousy (she loves my daughter but hates the fact that I have a child with another woman) etc.....

I dont mean to sound so negative because I love her and am very committed to her but its good to bounce things off of guys whove gone through some of the same stuff.

[slim 1,514]

very hard to do when things are cussed and discussed over and over agin ad nauseum!

Hey, it may never, ever, ever stop.

My wife still can't open our garage even though I've showed her a million times how to do it. She won't get into a set schedule or work a full-time job yet complains about how poor we are. She just took off for a week to go down to Florida and I'm unemployed - no unemployment - yet for some reason she couldn't see why skipping her 15 hours of work was not a good idea.

There are certain things that she may never accept or agree on or just doesn't care about. While I have a breaking point too, I realize that the things we disagree on she is not going to compromise on so I can either be upset over it or I can just accept it for what it is. "Don't like being poor? OK. Enjoy Florida! Hope you have some nice pictures to look at when you get back and are sitting here thinking about how hungry you are."