Advice...

[brownin 0]

I haven't been on this site for about a year...

I was wondering if I could get some advice from you...

My situation:

I am a UK citizen and I was planning to marry a US citizen last weekend, unfortunately he called the wedding two days before he was due to fly out here a couple of months ago. He's reasons was the fact that he didn't think he was able to provide to me and he wasn't sure that he was ready to live in London.

Now:

He says that he has realized that he has made the biggest mistake ever and he wants to marry me. He flew over this weekend as a surprise and proposed again.

I know that I love him and we have a child together, but I don't know if I can forgive him for cancelling the wedding. None of my family like him anymore and they don't want me to have anything else to do with him.

He is here for a week and wants to know if I accept his proposal, so that he can start to make arrangements out there for next summer (I am a teacher and don't want to leave during the academic year), I don't know what I should do...

In fact I don't know what I expect any of you to say... I guess I would like to hear opinions from people who are not involved in the situation, a fresh pair of ears...

Any advice would be appreciated.

[crazyinEgypt 0]

You are the only one that can answer this question. Follow yours heart, not opinions on a thread. Best of luck in whatever you choose.

[Fandango 1,440]

Wow, brownin...so sorry to hear this!

Unfortunately, I don't have the magic answers for you...only you know in your heart what to do. Saying that, I can see both sides of the situation....but I'm a little confused...he's moving there? or long term are you moving here?

Either way, the process of immi is daunting, as you well know, and can make even the strongest of relationships waiver from time to time.

The only advice I will give is don't let your family shame you into not wanting to make another go at it....if you want to give it another try, then by all means do so. You do have a child with the man, so there is a lot to be gained from trying again. Conversely, I don't know how I would feel about trying to forgive him for abandoning me (If I were in your shoes)..

People do make mistakes and the damage can be overcome...it's just a question of whether or not you want to, and whether or not you can forgive him.

Best of luck & sorry if I confused you further!

Edited August 6, 2006 by LisaD

[brownin 0]

Unfortunately, I don't have the magic answers for you...only you know in your heart what to do. Saying that, I can see both sides of the situation....but I'm a little confused...he's moving there? or long term are you moving here?

I would be moving there, he has just got a better job that pays really well, but he is less qualified. I guess I can teach anywhere...

[Jamaica to CT 0]

You should definitely follow your heart and also consider the needs of your child. Please don't allow your family or others to influence your decision. You're the one that has to live with the decision you make; not them or us. Since you don't plan on getting married soon, you have time for a make the decision that's right for you. If you can't make the decision within the time frame he's there then he should understand that. Take into consideration why your fiance no longer considers his financial ability to provide for you and your child an issue now.

Best wishes with your decision.

[Fandango 1,440]

Unfortunately, I don't have the magic answers for you...only you know in your heart what to do. Saying that, I can see both sides of the situation....but I'm a little confused...he's moving there? or long term are you moving here?

I would be moving there, he has just got a better job that pays really well, but he is less qualified. I guess I can teach anywhere...

Well, I can speak for myself in the respect that sometimes there's immense pressure on me that turns into anxiety. What if he doesn't like it here? What if he can't get a job and then it's all on me to provide for an undetermined amount of time? etc etc....These are natural feelings imo...

Jamaica to CT said it the best...only you know what is right and you need to follow your heart and consider the needs of your child.

I wish you the best of luck in making the decision that makes you happy.

[govols 1]

You should definitely follow your heart and also consider the needs of your child. Please don't allow your family or others to influence your decision. You're the one that has to live with the decision you make; not them or us. Since you don't plan on getting married soon, you have time for a make the decision that's right for you. If you can't make the decision within the time frame he's there then he should understand that. Take into consideration why your fiance no longer considers his financial ability to provide for you and your child an issue now.

Best wishes with your decision.

Good advice!

[CarolineM 0]

It's so hard because you love him and have children with him - but he embarrassed you it seems and has lost some of your trust. Like Lisa, I could go either way - I don't know what I would do if it were me...

Follow your heart! Good advice! and good luck on whatever you decide.

[Bosco 1]

I would be moving there, he has just got a better job that pays really well, but he is less qualified. I guess I can teach anywhere...

Did he actively seek this job so he could provide better for you? If so, it would seem that he really felt unable to provide and needed time to take the steps to fix that situation. However, only you know your relationship and how he acted before calling it off and during the time you were apart (not only toward you but your child), and i think his overall character should be taken into account when making your decision - don't base it solely on this one incident.

Best of luck to you.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Men are a funny breed!! If your man is anything like my man and most men in general, they will stress out beyond belief over financial matters. Firsthand I can say that my hubby was very worried about me going back to NY on my own prior to us getting married on account of the fact that I had no job and no family support. Hence one of the reasons why he felt it best for me to stay in the UK. Men are like that, they will carry the burden of the finances on their own shoulders. If he got a job to respectively provide for you and the child you share together, then came over to the UK to surprise you and propose to you again...that speaks volumes. Again I will also reiterate what has already been said, you need to follow your own heart and your own instincts. Don't let your family steer you away from what could possibly be the best thing in your life since the invention of the wheel and of course your child!!! It's ok to get opinions from the public forum and or advice, but again, don't let anyone else influence you from making the best decision for yourself.

Goodluck with everything...

LJ

[john_and_marlene 162]

Make a VJ poll and let the members of an internet forum decide for you.

[Cristy 4]

Marry his this weekend.

[JenT 0]

I would spend some time talking with him to get to the heart of the matter, if you haven't already. Fully understand what has changed in his heart to make him so sure that he is now able to make a lifetime commitment to you.... Make sure you understand his expectations, and that he understands yours. This breach of trust is going to be difficult to overcome.

I was in a relationship a year before I met David... I thought that person was the best thing that ever happened to me. We hit it off instantly and VERY long story short, he misrepresented his ability to be in a serious relationship, so soon after his divorce. He broke up with me via text message while I was on my way to be with my dad who was about to have surgery for an abdominal aeortic aneurysm. I felt as though I'd been abandoned at the time I needed him the most. I also discovered that he was going back to the girlfriend he'd had WHILE he was married.... 6 months later, he realized that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and he wanted to be back in mine. I refused him. There was no way that I could regain any trust in him whatsoever.

Get to the root of the issue and decide whether trust is possible again. Without that, you will not be able to have the sort of relationship that I'm sure you'd been hoping for.

As far as your family goes, you are a grown up and very capable of making your own decisions. Only you know what is best for your own happiness... don't let them sway you. They want you to be happy, and if you decide to be with him and ARE indeed happy, they will come around. Everyone makes mistakes... not everyone owns up to them. At least he has and has come back to try to make it right.

Best wishes,

Jen

Edited August 6, 2006 by JenT

[CarolineM 0]

Make a VJ poll and let the members of an internet forum decide for you.

excellent advice.

[gimygirl 0]