How would you respond?

[Calypso 465]

If a kid has something else to do other than basketball, he or she wouldn't feel so miserable about getting dropped from the team. It's when his/her world revolves around one thing only that if he/she loses that, it would be hurtful. Besides, I believe being resilient and all starts from childhood.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Just a refresher to all who have forgotten:

Children Learn What They Live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

That's a great quote.

Here's the response that is suppose to be the most effective:

"Ken (fictional teenager's name), to find that you were cut from the team when you were so sure you were on it must have been a big shock and a big disappointment."

The idea is to acknowledge the child's feelings without pity or criticism. By doing so, the child is more responsive and easier to deal with....at least, according to the book.

[Peikko 1,575]

I don't believe in stock responses from a formula in a book. Each child is different, each sistuation is different. If you start looking for a book to provide you with answers, you are in trouble. I guess the idea of the book is to give you 'indicators' of good parenting techniques, but still...

[jundp 191]

No worries. Good post above though.

I found this hypothetical in a book I'm reading that is designed for teachers and parents. It's pretty interesting so far, but I'll be honest that I haven't fully bought into the book's message.

What's the book, Steven?

[Ali G. 37]

Just a refresher to all who have forgotten:

Children Learn What They Live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

Very true.

Likewise: If a child is taught that it's always someone else that is to blame, they fail to learn to take responsibility for their actions and circumstances.

[Calypso 465]

That's a great quote.

Here's the response that is suppose to be the most effective:

"Ken (fictional teenager's name), to find that you were cut from the team when you were so sure you were on it must have been a big shock and a big disappointment."

The idea is to acknowledge the child's feelings without pity or criticism. By doing so, the child is more responsive and easier to deal with....at least, according to the book.

But that is just the start and not all kids are the same.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

What's the book, Steven?

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn: At Home and in School - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

I found it in my local library when I was looking for any teaching aids.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I liked SunDrop's answer - it is what I would have said. The other answers felt too unsympathetic for how important this was for the child - no need to kick 'em when they are already down.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I don't believe in stock responses from a formula in a book. Each child is different, each sistuation is different. If you start looking for a book to provide you with answers, you are in trouble. I guess the idea of the book is to give you 'indicators' of good parenting techniques, but still...

I agree there are no formulas, but there is form. I'm not sure where you are coming from about books not being helpful. Sure there are lots of books not worth your trouble, but there's no harm in someone sharing their experience, knowledge and expertise through text that you could benefit from.

[jundp 191]

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn: At Home and in School - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

I found it in my local library when I was looking for any teaching aids.

Thanks. I'll look for it. I'm thinking about getting into special education. I already have a class this year which is low literacy students and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that class. It's very different and very demanding compared to college prep/honors. But it's also very rewarding.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks. I'll look for it. I'm thinking about getting into special education. I already have a class this year which is low literacy students and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that class. It's very different and very demanding compared to college prep/honors. But it's also very rewarding.

You have the patience of a saint. I'm scared I'd lose my cool with some kids.

[Calypso 465]

I am trying to scan mental notes of what our professor in Guidance and Counseling back in college taught us. It sums up to the statement that in dealing with adults and teens, we should not give advice. Counseling is not advising. Our role is to guide someone to find the answers and solve his/her problems. There were some really helpful handouts but I had to give them up before flying to the U.S.

I also presented the text below to my high school students. They liked it and I hope that when they become parents, they'll somehow remember the lines:

On Children

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I am trying to scan mental notes of what our professor in Guidance and Counseling back in college taught us. It sums up to the statement that in dealing with adults and teens, we should not give advice. Counseling is not advising. Our role is to guide someone to find the answers and solve his/her problems. There were some really helpful handouts but I had to give them up before flying to the U.S.

I also presented the text below to my high school students. They liked it and I hope that when they become parents, they'll somehow remember the lines:

On Children

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

That's another great one.

[William33 110]

I may have missed the response, but what was the parent's "realistic" perspective on the child's performance/attitude on the court? If it was better than par, I would be consulting with the coach.

If not, I would consult with the child on their continuing interest in the sport. If there is significant interest, I would help them further develop the necessary skills to be above par.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I may have missed the response, but what was the parent's "realistic" perspective on the child's performance/attitude on the court? If it was better than par, I would be consulting with the coach.

If not, I would consult with the child on their continuing interest in the sport. If there is significant interest, I would help them further develop the necessary skills to be above par.

It was merely a hypothetical. There's a tendency for all 6 responses by parents and teachers, which unfortunately do not result a positive reaction from the teenager. This somewhat explains why parents and teenagers don't seem to connect or when they do, sparks fly.