Tanya and Mohamed no more!

[*Maureen* 0]

Tanya, i'm very sorry for what happened. At least now, you can only go forward and find the happiness that you deserve!

[mistyblkrose33 0]

I must say when I began to read this post my heart jumped into my chest and started to look for an escape hatch, but then I thought of how Hassan's whole body shook when he took my hand into his after I walked through doors of the Casablanca Airport I am filled again with his love. Some men can put on an act that will make your want to leap from the High Atlas Mountain, but they make tiny mistakes that we are too in love to see. All of my life I have been in love with this man or the other but it was only me who was in love. I have finally found someone who loves me back and would do anything to make me happy and he is a Moroccan man. All my life I knew that my man would be as noble as an Arabian Knight. I just didn't know he would truely turn out to be one. So please do not trash talk Moroccan people I now have a Moroccan mother and father in-law, four sisters and three brother who have all welcomed me into their hearts with gifts, love, and so many hugs that I can't what to go back for more. Your words have offended many people including me. I wish you the best because it is not easly to be fooled by love. I know this because I have been there too. May God bless your and guide you to your true happiness.

Tea

[egypt lover 0]

Forget Arab. Compared to women, aren't ALL men pretty lazy? /generalization

Anyway, sorry to hear about that, Tanya. Take care of yourself.

iam so sorry to hear this bad news but i want tell u some thing most of arab men is good and they love ther wifes so much and there are few bad peple not much dont feel like some one used u just start again and u will sucsses this time and may be u will get stronger after this break wish u all good luck.ur brother egypt lover

[bornot2b 0]

I remember you Tanya from back in the days of waiting and more waiting. When I read your post, I could feel really feel the pain involved in everything you have gone through (getting him here) and are now experiencing (with it not working out). I think this is just the downside of long distance relationships and not necessarily him being Arabian, Moroccan. Sometimes it can be very difficult to navigate to the truth of the matter. Do not beat yourself up, hold your head up and remember you gave it your best.

I will keep you in my prayers!

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I hope you find peace and happiness as you move on Unfortunately, there are bad arab men out there, but there are plenty of decent arab men as well.

For newbies, just be aware that you could be used, or your perfect SO could turn out to be an a-hole too. Or he could be a prince. Sometimes there are no signs, or ones that we chose not to acknowledge. It's just part of the wild ride being married to a MENA men.

[Sandrila 1]

Wow, Sister! I am so sorry things did not work out for you. I wish you well and I sincerely mean this.

Thank you so much! I just found out from my uncle that it's common knowledge back where I'm from that Arab men are lazy. I didn't know that! I thought it was just my husband! Is that true?

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I would have to say that there are plenty of lazy, selfish men who have preyed on women.

I would have to say as far as us being women, we are going to bear the brunt of alot of responsibilities

that men never bother to assist with and/or they think it's not their duty.

I wouldn't say that I know "Arab men are lazy".

I think it goes without saying that you feel very hurt and bitter.

I think it is logical to say there are differences in our relationships with foreign men as opposed to American men, BUT there are good men out there. Not all Arabs can be lumped in the same category. I have seen just as many disfunctional leeches as I have heard about those men who are loving, respectful, supportive and treat their women with dignity and equality.

I think one of the main things is giving yourself time to get to know your spouse/fiancee. It really does take a lot of time and the differences in culture and lifestyles really can impact that dynamic of our relationship with "Arab" men, however, people are people no matter where they are from and right is right/wrong is wrong. You just cannot prepare or predict what the outcome will be once your SO gets here and you actually live together in real life/real time.

You are not alone either. Plenty of women have been taken for a ride, have made sacrifices and have been greatly wronged by these men, who they have done everything for.

We have to be the strong women we are and identify the problems, try to resolve them and if they are not going to get resolved or another is unyielding, as far as changing for the sake of the marriage, well you need to be strong enough to walk away from it.

Some men are just jerks. Some have just been babied and pampered by their mothers. Some don't have any experience with any sort of relationship at all before marrying the American SO.

One thing that boggles my mind about these "using" men is that in their country they NEED to be able to provide for their wife, prior to marriage. I was under the impression that before a family gives their daughter to a man they have to bring something to the table. In their own country they are required to take care of their wife and family, then some come here and just withhold their money, refuse to contribute or just put their own needs in front of their family's it just blows my mind how the standards they are "supposed" to live up to back home, just get swept under the rug when they come here. Maybe it is because they don't have any accountability. I.E. Back home they would have their own parents, family members and society to pass judgement on them when they see what they may or may not be doing.

Despite most of the bad outcomes I have heard, I do still believe there are some really good "Arab" men and husbands who do the right thing by their wives.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Sandrila

[New Beginnings 32]

This is just disappointing to read. I like that people have said that there are all types of bad men out there. Just as there are bad women. If this were a marriage forum where married women came to vent and receive advice (not just women who have married a foreign spouse) we would be seeing these same complaints from women who have married american men.

How many times have you heard friends or relatives complain about their husbands who just lay on the couch and don't help with the kids and who are just wanting to watch sports while she cleans the house? I've heard it enough times. I've also heard some of these statements here from women who were previously married to an american man who are now married to a foreign man.

Generalizing in any way is a horrible thing. It takes away from the men who are contributing and who are working and lumps them into this category. As women, we should be more sensitive to this. Have you ever had someone say "must be that time of the month!" when you're upset or "don't be so emotional!" We're unfairly grouped into emotional and pms'y when we're upset about something. What is that quote... "Men are pistols when they get worked up in a conference room.. but if a woman does it.. She's emotional!"

Sorry... I guess I must be emotional today!

[SuperDuper! 230]

Sorry to hear about this.

However, not cool to use generalizations. Not cool at all. And even more so uncool to say stuff like that in a site like VJ. We get it, your husband is an a-hole. Him being Moroccan has fvckall to do with that.

p.s. what can I say? I am that cool B)

If you have to say that you are cool, does that mean you also laugh at your own jokes?

***

OP: From your sig, it appears that you invested about 6 years in this guy. It's little wonder that you are emotionally crushed and devastated. I wish the other posters would try to put themselves in your shoes, instead of leaping down your throat when you need compassion and mercy.

We need to walk a mile in your shoes, before we criticize and abuse. Peace and Good Luck.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Hopp

[morocco4ever 63]

Sorry to hear about this.

However, not cool to use generalizations. Not cool at all. And even more so uncool to say stuff like that in a site like VJ. We get it, your husband is an a-hole. Him being Moroccan has fvckall to do with that.

p.s. what can I say? I am that cool B)

If you have to say that you are cool, does that mean you also laugh at your own jokes?

***

OP: From your sig, it appears that you invested about 6 years in this guy. It's little wonder that you are emotionally crushed and devastated. I wish the other posters would try to put themselves in your shoes, instead of leaping down your throat when you need compassion and mercy.

We need to walk a mile in your shoes, before we criticize and abuse. Peace and Good Luck.

So if your wife burns you will it be okay to talk sh!t about all filipinas? Last time I checked it's called "discrimination".

And I laughed at Len's joke. At least she knows how to sympathize with someones pain without allowing the generalization an entire culture based on just a few. I don't think it was the OP's intention, more of hurt words that came out wrong.

To the OP...sorry to hear about your hard situation. Do you feel that it was all a ploy to come to the US? If yes, can you enlighten any of us on any signs that you feel now that you might of missed? One way or the other it hurts. And no one should have to go through that.

[Sandrila 1]

Forget Arab. Compared to women, aren't ALL men pretty lazy? /generalization

Anyway, sorry to hear about that, Tanya. Take care of yourself.

RIGHT ON JENN!

btw Adam is so precious

[amal 4]

sadly enough, no amount of preparation can get either part ready for the new lives you will be leading when they get here. It's really easy for them to let you believe they are a certain way for a month, 6 months, year, 2 years, etc...but once they're here, it all comes out in the open.

There are good ones though. I've seen'em. I've envied them. I can't say that all of these ppl are bad. But boy can we sure pick some doozies. Myself included. Know that you're not alone. There are many of us who have bonded fairly tight due to the similarities in our husbands' abusive natures. If we bring it up here on VJ, we get talked about behind our backs and slammed to no end by those who say they care. But there truely are some of us who know EXACTLY what you're going through.

Email me any time!!! If you can't get ahold of me, Jackie has all of my info.

amal

[Jenn! 918]

Forget Arab. Compared to women, aren't ALL men pretty lazy? /generalization

Anyway, sorry to hear about that, Tanya. Take care of yourself.

RIGHT ON JENN!

btw Adam is so precious

Thanks, Lisa!

[Beth/ Paris Heart 2]

Forget Arab. Compared to women, aren't ALL men pretty lazy? /generalization

Anyway, sorry to hear about that, Tanya. Take care of yourself.

Jenn, your son Adam is handsome!!!!!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I'm the member formerly known as Visa4habibi! Since I couldn't log in after not using my account for so long had to re-register to tell everybody this: my Moroccan husband SUCKS! HE RUINED OUR MARRIAGE!!! All this wait, all the tears, all the money and effort spent for absolutely nothing! If he's from a country that looks like it's still in 17th century - it's because it is and so is he and his mind! There's no more Tanya and Mohamed!

October 19, 2009 - he's finally out of the house! Oh joy! No more being treated like a piece of meat!

November 15, 2009 - went for counseling and as I suspected there's nothing to be done! Yes, the marriage counselor worked today since he was away for when I needed him the most, all three weeks since we got separated!

The marriage's been dead since he came over here! I got somebody else baby from another country that just wanted to do his own thing and live his own life in my house on my dime and not help with anything! There's no happy ending here! All the attention all the promises I got in Morocco meant nothing!!! I was his star, his Moon, his Queen and now he's not my slave and how dare I want his paycheck to pay our bills?

Now I hate him, hate my life and mostly myself for letting him do all this to me! God knows I've tried and tried and tried but they do know their job in Casa and age difference plus cultural differences is way to much for one adult and one man-child to handle! I was mad at the consulate all the time they kept us apart, but they do know a thing or two about lazy people who never worked a day in their life and can smooth talk others into spending time and money they don't have on them. Just so they come over here and be as lazy as before and help with nothing!

Don't mean to offend anybody's culture but we are what we are and I'm not a Moroccan woman to take abuse and follow my man a yard behind him! Or pretend like he was pretending that we have no problems and hide from them!

Tanya

I think alot of the guys not only are not used to even making a paycheck, they are not used to the level of bills here . You need to realise they do not have 500 dollar electric bills over there or car insurance. They see you go over there and everything looks exciting until they get over here and meet guys who came on the lottery who get to keep their paycheck and live 6 to a house. I actually met some people who were living in a 3 bedroom apartment, 2 to a room and then people slept on the sofa and they split the electric 6 ways ( these are lottery Moroccans) and they got to keep alot of their paycheck . Compare that with handing their paycheck over to an American wife, um.. well the word in their mind that comes to mind is .. well slavery although we do not see it that way.

As far as arabs being lazy. Well. I have met some arabs that did not want to help support the wife that brought them here but the word lazy is not the word that comes to mind. Opportunist with the whole family in on it is a much better term. I think when they leave the American wife and move in with the 6 guys and they do not have a tv to themself or a bathroom that they share with one woman and instead hit the hard economy where all these people are losing their jobs , reality sets in. I personally have met some amazing and very hard working lottery and US citizen arabs but I have not met a whole lot of them looking for American spouses. Most of them are waiting to go back home and marry someone from back home. The ones that are married to Americans or chose Americans for the most part , DO WORK VERY HARD. I had a really amazing US citizen moroccan friend about 5 years ago that worked about 12 hours a day. He had been married to an american and got his papers through her and remained friends with her and if he today met an american he loved , he would marry her. I have met other arabs in the hospital with their american wives waiting for her to have her baby. But alot of these guys met their wives here or in school and really did not get brought over here. Even if the guy doesnt have these things in their heads, sometimes other people like friends or family bullies them about leaving their spouse.

There are so many factors involved. Not all arabs are lazy. I know some very lazy American men that mooch off their wives and abuse them. I will say that I have known a couple of American women that did support mena husbands while they did nothing ( myself included) and that happens for a variety of reasons. The woman not sticking up for herself ( my case), the guy unable to find work ( other cases)

My daughter is Moroccan by the way and I have met absolutely amazing Moroccans through the years that have been good friends to me and very kind. That goes for Algerians as well. I just want you to know that you are not alone in what happened to you but really , just know, that although it sucks for some of us, it doesnt suck for all of us and that some people really do find love and things work out. I would just chalk this up to life experience, try hard to find the good things you got out of this and then reach out to Moroccans you meet and be nice to them and find some arab friends who are kind to you and build you up to help you heal.

My little girl is a Moroccan and I want you to know that its offensive to me for you to say they are all bad. They are not. Yes there are users and its very ok that you talk about it.. But just know that all of this happened for a reason and maybe there is a nice guy from somewhere else in your future

Love K

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

sadly enough, no amount of preparation can get either part ready for the new lives you will be leading when they get here. It's really easy for them to let you believe they are a certain way for a month, 6 months, year, 2 years, etc...but once they're here, it all comes out in the open.

There are good ones though. I've seen'em. I've envied them. I can't say that all of these ppl are bad. But boy can we sure pick some doozies. Myself included. Know that you're not alone. There are many of us who have bonded fairly tight due to the similarities in our husbands' abusive natures. If we bring it up here on VJ, we get talked about behind our backs and slammed to no end by those who say they care. But there truely are some of us who know EXACTLY what you're going through.

Email me any time!!! If you can't get ahold of me, Jackie has all of my info.

amal

Amal

I think in the middle of all the hard things that happen are alot of nice things and thats what makes it so hard to let go of a relationship that just does not make sense overall.

As far as bringing it up on VJ, I think most people are very caring and sympathetic and when we read about things happening to other people, it only makes us examine what has happened in our own lives.

If you have any qualms about the emotional volatility of some mena people, take a look at the Egypt Algeria conflict ensuing in Sudan right now over a soccer game. Sometimes you just have to stand back and say WHOA.. Thems some emotional people folks...