Opinions?

[JillA 2]

I kind of felt this way at the beginning too.... It wasn't the 'traditional' way of doing things, because we had to discuss the K-1 process before we were engaged. But here's the thing, and what I realized shortly thereafter. All that matters is being with the one you love, and being happy. Rings, dresses, weddings, those aren't the truly important things. What matters more is the marriage. We knew that we wanted to be together and get married, so the rest didn't matter anymore. Sure, I would have loved to be engaged the traditional way but I knew with the immigration costs it couldn't be afforded. One thing I love about my husband is how financially smart he is, and he won't put non-essentials on credit, something like a ring. So instead, we paid for the immigration/moving costs, and as soon as I moved here had a civil ceremony, just us two. We are planning a wedding with family and friends for next year, when we can save for it and be prepared. There was no way I was planning a wedding before I moved on top of all the other stresses to be dealt with. So when we got married, I didn't have an engagement ring - but so what? What is really being engaged? Is it just a piece of jewlery on your left hand? I think not. I think being engaged is making the commited decision to spend the rest of your lives together. So after 4 months of marriage, my honey was able to save some money, and pay cash for a beautiful diamond ring which he surprised me with! He even said "Will you marry me - again?" when he gave it to me. We had a good chuckle. Of course I was happy to receive this ring, but I was ringless before and it did not matter.

The ring, big wedding, white dress, etc. that doesn't define your relationship or make your marriage any stronger than if you go to the courthouse. What matters is the effort and time you put into the marriage, and the big white wedding can come later if you so choose. What is the most important thing is being together, and if you have to make sacrifices to do so, isn't it worth it in the end? It may not be the traditional way of doing things, but that's the way the cookie crumbles when falling in love with someone in a different country!

[thetreble 19]

The ring, big wedding, white dress, etc. that doesn't define your relationship or make your marriage any stronger than if you go to the courthouse. What matters is the effort and time you put into the marriage, and the big white wedding can come later if you so choose. What is the most important thing is being together, and if you have to make sacrifices to do so, isn't it worth it in the end? It may not be the traditional way of doing things, but that's the way the cookie crumbles when falling in love with someone in a different country!

Precisely. I know some people who had out of this world weddings and were divorced within 2 years.

[Ontarkie 13,969]

I was totaly surprised when I got my ring, we went out to a very nice restaurant and I was clueless about him even getting a ring, sinse the plan was to go looking at some later that week. Then after we were done eating he got the ring out of his pocket got down on his knee and proposed. It was all so perfect.

Our wedding was exactly the way I always dreamed it would be. Bought my dress, shoes, and veil before I moved since I knew how long it would take to order it. And the rest I planned in about 3 weeks. Just figure out what you want and go from there.

Danielle

[DeadPoolX 9]

I just want you all to know that I have absolutely nothing relevant to say, so I'll shout this: "First male in an all-female thread!"

[Ontarkie 13,969]

LMAO @DPX

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Im all for it. And we both love eachother very much. However...im worried. Iv always dreamt of getting engaged with the traditional - the man surprises you with a ring one day and your all omg omg. (lol). But im worried it's not going to be like that for us..im worried we are just going to go through with this Visa, im going to move, and thats it. No surprise ring, no walking down the isle in a pretty white dress one day down the road. I think it sounds kind of selfish, and it kind of sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it to. But it's every little girls dream to have that one special day. I currently work in a jewelry store - specializing in engagement rings. And everyday the thought crosses my mind as I see all these happy young couples ring shopping for one another.

Have any of you ever felt like this? How did you get through it? Did you mention it to him?

Lollee: Read Carla's post, there is a lot of sage advice behind those years. Carla I mean that with the up most respect.

You asked for the women's opinion but here is the guys opinion.

Be happy that you find someone you want to marry. Your there, he is there - everything, and I mean everything else dress, rings, cake, flowers, is a bonus.

Of course because of the logistical situation you need to talk about many things in advance. However it sounds like you thinking about step 28, when you need to be concentrating on step 1. But just because you have talked about many things in advance, doesn't mean the ole boy doesn't have a few surprises up his sleeve. AND, AND what if he doesn't surprise you with a ring? Will you love him any less? Will your marriage suffer because of it? NO!!!!

All I can do is relate how I did things....

We talked about marriage, K1, paperwork, all real technical things, unromantic to say the least. I was able to visit her in January. We went to the top of Whistler mountain and we were taking the normal tourist photos. I then asked her to take the map out of my pocket....

Was she surprised? Sure!!! She didn't know the where, when, and how, so it was special.

In the end concentrate on the more important issue, do you love him, does he love you, and do both of you wish to be married?

Best of luck to you.

[lollee 0]

I know every couple is different, but this is something very serious that your boyfriend needs to be 100% ready for. You need to be saying everything you've said to us to him! You need to be setting expectations, and ensuring that he is ready to actually propose. If he's looking at this as just paperwork, and you're looking at this differently, with a proposal and wedding in mind... then you need to be on the same page before anything happens.

ooo I like coming home from work to these wonderful replies. Thank you all again

But to shed some light on what Sapphire said. That's exactly it. Im pretty sure he's looking at it as paperwork to allow me to move down there. But im looking at it is...yeah...I dont want a huge wedding right now...but if im going to move down there and go through all this trouble for it, then id like to think one day he'd want the "official marriage" business. I mean, we ARE going to be married...this isnt JUST paperwork lol. I wouldnt want a big ring, or a big wedding in a $5,000 dress. Just something simple - and it would be nice if I knew he wanted the same thing one day in the future when we could afford it and all is settled

Edited May 13, 2009 by lollee

[lollee 0]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

[JillA 2]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

And that's OK! You just have to remove the "norm" from your mind, getting engaged, planning your wedding, etc. That's what happens when you marry a Canadian, but being with your American love means the only way to be together (legally) is to be married, sometimes without all the frill at first. As long as you're both sure that's what you want, and you're not rushing into anything, then everything else will fall into place!

[SapphireDreams 71]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

This is only my opinion and I know others would probably disagree but to us marriage was a BIG deal. Immigration aside, we looked at it from a marriage standpoint. Were we ready to take the next step in our relationship. We didn't base it on being together or as our only "option" to being together. We looked at this like a marriage. A 100% commitment to each other to be together. For me, that commitment required a proposal - I needed to know that he was 100% committed and ready. I needed that re-affirmation. Not everyone does, and I totally get that. But I did. I'm in the camp, where if there was no ring on my finger, I wasn't moving anywhere. For me, the ring is really symbolic of a commitment. I really didn't think I was that traditional, but when the time came, I realized how big of a deal this was to me.

Marriage freaks even the best guys out and so even if he does want to be together, and he's okay with the paperwork.. sometimes that not enough and only you will know what is best for you both. I'm not even kidding, I knew exactly when I was ready to go through with all of this. November 2007. And we didn't file until June 2008, because he wasn't ready. And, I knew he was worth waiting for and we talked about it at length and when he was ready, it happened. The timing has worked out perfectly, even though I was so anxious to get started back in Nov '07.

You need to decide within your heart what kind of commitment you need to feel confident about this move. Only you can make that choice and know what is best for you.

[JillA 2]

You could also send him a link to the video "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it" maybe that will be a big hint

My sister said before I moved she was proud of me, because alot of girls would never have moved without a ring on their finger. I can totally see both sides to it, but we were marrying 7 days after I moved! If that wasn't confirmation enough of his love, then what is.

[Sprailenes 47]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

This is only my opinion and I know others would probably disagree but to us marriage was a BIG deal. Immigration aside, we looked at it from a marriage standpoint. Were we ready to take the next step in our relationship. We didn't base it on being together or as our only "option" to being together. We looked at this like a marriage. A 100% commitment to each other to be together. For me, that commitment required a proposal - I needed to know that he was 100% committed and ready. I needed that re-affirmation. Not everyone does, and I totally get that. But I did. I'm in the camp, where if there was no ring on my finger, I wasn't moving anywhere. For me, the ring is really symbolic of a commitment. I really didn't think I was that traditional, but when the time came, I realized how big of a deal this was to me.

Marriage freaks even the best guys out and so even if he does want to be together, and he's okay with the paperwork.. sometimes that not enough and only you will know what is best for you both. I'm not even kidding, I knew exactly when I was ready to go through with all of this. November 2007. And we didn't file until June 2008, because he wasn't ready. And, I knew he was worth waiting for and we talked about it at length and when he was ready, it happened. The timing has worked out perfectly, even though I was so anxious to get started back in Nov '07.

You need to decide within your heart what kind of commitment you need to feel confident about this move. Only you can make that choice and know what is best for you.

Very amazing advice and well said. Even though I am not one who wanted a ring, I can understand why others would.

To me it wasn't important, but to him it was.... we kind of reversed roles there. I didn't want one but he gave me one anyways, for the same reason you stated Sapphire, he wanted to tell me he was in it and it was symbolic to him.

It was funny because when he asked me to marry him I just started laughing hysterically and I saw the ring but it didn't click and i just kept saying: "Shut up! You're too funny!" probably ruined the moment a bit but I am known to laugh in (what I find to be) awkward situations and he understood that. I giggled through my vows too. I can't help it.

[Mephys 2]

Even though I didn't have a time to read everybody's posts, I just wanted to add my little 2 cents.

First off, it's all about what this marriage represents for you, and like many people said, it's a lot more than just THAT day. If you are afraid to go through this process because you are scared it's not gonna be like that "fairy tale" every little girl dreams off, then he might not be the right man for you.

Immigration and delays aside, I think everything was even more than a fairy tale because we shared everything together with a love so strong I have no words for it. Yesterday was our 2 years anniversary and he is still by my side, through good and bad times, and he still looks at me the same way he used to. That itself is my fairy tale.

For the rings, we picked them together on the internet, I ordered his, he ordered mine. Our surprise was going to be the engravings. Even though I had told him that all I wanted was a symbol and to stay cheap I wanted the white sapphire on my ring, he still ordered a diamond. I didn't know until he put the ring on my finger ( after a touching proposal) and I said "wow that's a shiny sapphire"

He's so sweet.

And for our wedding, I didn't have much to spend on a wedding dress, but I found this beautiful prom dress that came in white as well, and nobody even knew it wasn't a wedding dress.

So I got my surprised engagement, and my princess wedding AND my soulmate.

The cost of immigration was a small price to pay for the life I am living today, looking forward to come home to my husband everday

I say just follow your heart, the rest is going to be what you make of it.

[Krikit 1,163]

Mephys. I love what you wrote. I'd read what everybody else wrote but this computer makes changing pages too annoying.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

This is only my opinion and I know others would probably disagree but to us marriage was a BIG deal. Immigration aside, we looked at it from a marriage standpoint. Were we ready to take the next step in our relationship. We didn't base it on being together or as our only "option" to being together. We looked at this like a marriage. A 100% commitment to each other to be together. For me, that commitment required a proposal - I needed to know that he was 100% committed and ready. I needed that re-affirmation. Not everyone does, and I totally get that. But I did. I'm in the camp, where if there was no ring on my finger, I wasn't moving anywhere. For me, the ring is really symbolic of a commitment. I really didn't think I was that traditional, but when the time came, I realized how big of a deal this was to me.

Marriage freaks even the best guys out and so even if he does want to be together, and he's okay with the paperwork.. sometimes that not enough and only you will know what is best for you both. I'm not even kidding, I knew exactly when I was ready to go through with all of this. November 2007. And we didn't file until June 2008, because he wasn't ready. And, I knew he was worth waiting for and we talked about it at length and when he was ready, it happened. The timing has worked out perfectly, even though I was so anxious to get started back in Nov '07.

You need to decide within your heart what kind of commitment you need to feel confident about this move. Only you can make that choice and know what is best for you.

I agree with you 110%! This is exactly how I feel. Perhaps its because we became engaged and decided to marry first, then discovered the complexities of immigration second. I have some more traditional views on marriage, and I didn't quite believe in living with my boyfriend, now fiance, before we decided to get married. I would never judge anyone who has done this, but I have seen many relationships where couples live together for years then decide marriage is not important. For me marry is hugely important, and a commitment I need from the man I live and share my life with. Given that, there was no way I was moving across North American for any man, even the love of my life, if he wasn't willing to give me the commitment I need. For me, this meant the engagement with the ring and the wedding. My friends like to joke and call me a "princess." That's fine, say it how you must, but for me no ring=no marriage.