Opinions?

[thetreble 19]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

I guess I'm a bit confused here...so you are going through the process to get married...without the intention of being married? Maybe I'm just being an a** but seems like a lot of heartache, money, etc. to go through if you don't want to be married yet or if you aren't sure it's even going to turn into a marriage. So, will you just get divorced from your marriage that was technically never real and move back to Canada if it doesn't work out? And, again maybe I'm reading too much into it..but why not spend the max. amount of time there before you decide to move your whole life to a place just to see if things work out? Man I'm just a bundle of confusion today!

I guess I'm just confused.

Edited May 14, 2009 by thetreble

[Sprailenes 47]

I understand some girls have "dreams" but there comes a time when you need to take a step back and look at the real picture. If a surprise ring and a dress and all of that stuff is what is important to you, than perhaps moving down here isn't at this point.

We all sacrificed a lot to move down to the states and a ring and a pretty white dress wasn't even on my list of priorities when it all came down to it.

It's okay to have that dream, but perhaps you should just continue the distance thing until he is fully ready to commit and give you what you truly want or perhaps you need to re-establish what it is you find important.

He can eventually propose when he is ready and then you can start the K1 process, this will also give you a lot of time to save up money for immigration and wedding costs.

[thetreble 19]

It's just a lot harder emotionally then many of us think it's going to be. That is why I'm concerned that someone would move and be legally married to someone on paper, but not actually feel they were married. For example, at the 1 year mark are you going to declare yourself officially married? I just don't get it.

I wish you good luck in your endeavors, but know that my thoughts to you would be to seriously think about moving your whole life, moving away from your friends and family, for someone you are just testing the waters with. If you guys aren't ready to be married yet, why not just wait and continue dating?

[SapphireDreams 71]

It's just a lot harder emotionally then many of us think it's going to be. That is why I'm concerned that someone would move and be legally married to someone on paper, but not actually feel they were married. For example, at the 1 year mark are you going to declare yourself officially married? I just don't get it.

I wish you good luck in your endeavors, but know that my thoughts to you would be to seriously think about moving your whole life, moving away from your friends and family, for someone you are just testing the waters with. If you guys aren't ready to be married yet, why not just wait and continue dating?

I agree with your completely. It is a lot tougher emotionally than I ever thought it was going to be.

I totally think it's possible to do all of this without a ring or a dress or even a big ceremony, but at the end of the day, you have to be ready for marriage. And, you boyfriend needs to be on the same page.

I understand some girls have "dreams" but there comes a time when you need to take a step back and look at the real picture. If a surprise ring and a dress and all of that stuff is what is important to you, than perhaps moving down here isn't at this point.

We all sacrificed a lot to move down to the states and a ring and a pretty white dress wasn't even on my list of priorities when it all came down to it.

It's okay to have that dream, but perhaps you should just continue the distance thing until he is fully ready to commit and give you what you truly want or perhaps you need to re-establish what it is you find important.

He can eventually propose when he is ready and then you can start the K1 process, this will also give you a lot of time to save up money for immigration and wedding costs.

Totally also agree with you. And, speaking from someone who had a boyfriend who was not ready and dated long distance for 5 years before embarking on the K1, it is possible and it will all work out in the end.

[shawna7 4]

My husband proposed to me on new years eve and surprised the hell out of me!(which is funny because we had filed our K-1 on December 17..lmao( I guess I just had not given a whole lot of thought to a ring) at any rate..I was shocked and excited(a very shiny blingy ring..hehe)

I then moved to the states on January 12 /08( just over a year later..thanx immigration )and we were married by a civil servant on january 18..it was very nice and sweet..just a few family members..but not exactly how we imagined it..SOOO.. we decided to plan a beach wedding for May..and invite all our friends and family(I'm from toronto..hes from new york city..but we live in Charleston SC) THAT is the day we both feel we were married..and thats the day we celebrate(well..we actually celebrate both but thats the one that really MEANS something to us.

Its a very scary process what we all go through...and most of us are taking a HUGE leap of faith, because as much as we are madly in love..we're leaving so much behind..in my case..we had never spent more than 3 weeks together consecutively(we were long distance for 5 1/2 years)I guess my point is..You need to be VERY sure about what you are feeling..this is such a difficult path when you're 150% sure...I would not have tackled this is if I was feeling**lets try it..see what happens** or if he felt that way

I've been through alot in my life..I'm one of those people that can take on just about anything and get through it..

This process..wow..there were moments when I felt so lost.. thank goodness for VJ..to have the support from this forum was(and still is... amazing)

well..I think I just went off topic( getting a bit nastalgic over my journey..and I haven't even made it to lifting conditions..oh geez..now I'm panicking!!..haha

[Carlawarla 1]

It wouldnt let me edit a second time

So Edit!: I just talked to him briefly about it on the phone...I didnt mentioned the whole "would you want an acutal wedding one day" bit because im still kinda nervous lol. He told me he looks at it as its our only way to be together. And if we want to be together it's something we have to do. And you never know, it could turn into the "actual marriage" bit one day.

Keep this in mind: im not getting a ring...were really are just doing this so I can move down there with him

This is basicly how it is: We both love eachother, we WANT to spend the rest of our lives together. However..it's not to the whole...im getting a ring stage yet :S

I'm sorry, I'm really confused. You're too nervous to talk to him about your desire to have a larger wedding? He told you it looks like it's the only way for you to be together? What looks like it's the only way? You never know, it could turn into an actual marriage bit one day? You've really confused me there.... you are really just doing this so that you can move down there with him? You want to spend the rest of your lives together but it's not the whole...I'm getting a ring stage yet?

Could you clarify? Thanks!

[Caladan 19]

Most people I know knew they were getting engaged when the man "proposed." As in, it's not really a surprise.

But I did want to say that doing the immigration thing doesn't have to mean that you don't have any romance. You can see that I signed up for VJ sometime in March 2006. We got engaged in August 2006; we'd obviously talked about it, but he proposed, with a ring, down on one knee, when I visited that summer.

We filed for the visa in September and received it the following February and did the big floofy wedding in July. White dress, reception, everything. So it's possible.

All that aside, I'm a little confused by your latest post. The K-1 is for fiance(e)s; it's not a getting-to-know you visa since you have to be married within 90 days of crossing the border. And you're Canadian, so you can go for visits without a K-1.... so is the issue here with immigration, or with him not wanting a big expensive party?

[thetreble 19]

Definitely confusing. But it appears she wants to live with him for awhile and see if it works out before they decide to take it any further.

Well, that's not really the way things go when you have a cross-border relationship unfortunately. Spend years apart, then, like most of us do. You don't have to live with someone for 6 months to realize you love them and want to be with them. Maybe the OP's relationship just needs more time. She didn't say how long they 'd been together.

[trailmix 77]

All that aside, I'm a little confused by your latest post. The K-1 is for fiance(e)s; it's not a getting-to-know you visa since you have to be married within 90 days of crossing the border. And you're Canadian, so you can go for visits without a K-1.... so is the issue here with immigration, or with him not wanting a big expensive party?

Most people on this board assume that everyone has the money to go and visit their boyfriend/girlfriend - or at least enough money to spend some quality time with them each year.

Now, i'm not saying the OP doesn't, but I don't think we can always assume that everyone has the ways and means to drop everything and visit whenever they like - or even periodically.

Let's say you are a student and have a minimum wage job. First there is the money issue, secondly there is the time off issue.

That does not discount that the intention of the K1 visa is not to get to know the person you might marry - however, not everyone takes marriage as seriously as other people do and I can see someone marrying someone to live together and see how it goes - with the intention of divorcing if it doesn't work out.

[Caladan 19]

I was a student when we met, so I know the money issues well; I just meant that it's not like she's barred from visiting the U.S. as is the case in some countries where a tourist visa is nigh impossible to get (often the justification for K-1s after short periods of knowing each other.)

I could see someone getting married just to see how it goes, but that's hard to square with her stated desire to have the perfect shiny wedding. More info, OP! There's several things that could be the issue here. Not ready to be married, ready to be married but not in a position to afford a big party right now, worries that the fiancee visa takes all the romance out of it. If it's the latter two, there are many people who have been in the position who have had parties later or managed to have traditional weddings. If it's the former, just know what the terms of the visa are, because while visits back and forth aren't cheap, neither is a K-1.

[thetreble 19]

All that aside, I'm a little confused by your latest post. The K-1 is for fiance(e)s; it's not a getting-to-know you visa since you have to be married within 90 days of crossing the border. And you're Canadian, so you can go for visits without a K-1.... so is the issue here with immigration, or with him not wanting a big expensive party?

Most people on this board assume that everyone has the money to go and visit their boyfriend/girlfriend - or at least enough money to spend some quality time with them each year.

Now, i'm not saying the OP doesn't, but I don't think we can always assume that everyone has the ways and means to drop everything and visit whenever they like - or even periodically.

Let's say you are a student and have a minimum wage job. First there is the money issue, secondly there is the time off issue.

That does not discount that the intention of the K1 visa is not to get to know the person you might marry - however, not everyone takes marriage as seriously as other people do and I can see someone marrying someone to live together and see how it goes - with the intention of divorcing if it doesn't work out.

I was also a student when I met my husband with no job. I also stayed a student for the first 2.5 years of our relationship. So what did I do? I spent money on traveling instead of other things and I handed in work weeks ahead of time in order to free up 5 or 6 days at a time. Compared to the life I lead now, in university I had little to no responsibility and LOTS of free time! I'm not saying every can do that or should do that...

I also think that most people on this board do not assume people have money. We've all been through the process and realize how tight money is or how there are times you have no money to visit. I don't know what lead you to write that but maybe you have reasons why. However, in my opinion, if you don't have the resources whether it be some money or other things, it must be very hard to conduct an international relationship, no? I'm not saying you shouldn't have one in that case, I'm merely implying that it's probably almost impossible to have a relationship if you can never see eachother. How do you start a relationship properly without face to face time? And then you go look in the family immigration and benifits form and you see what seems to stem from little to no time in the relationship together through visitation before marriage.

A good friend of mine who is from Bosnia has a boyfriend that still lives in Bosnia. She is also in school doing her masters. But she saves money throughout the year and in the summer she goes to see him for 4-8 weeks.

In my opinion, if you marry someone to live together and see how it goes, you are just making life harder on yourself. In any normal situation you would have to go through a divorce which I'm sure any one here who has gone through one would vouch for it being tough. But then on top of that, you have to deal with the fact that you left your life for awhile...and then you are going to go back where? What if you don't have a home? I'm assuming you don't have a job in Canada anymore...what if you don't have family you can stay with? I mean, it just seems to me, and again I'm not judging the OP at all, that she wants to take a unique situation like having an international relationship, and try to apply normal, traditional ways of doing things.

I've never heard of someone doing it before. I don't even have friends at home that have boyfriends at a distance in Ontario that say "we are going to get married and see how the relationship unfolds..if it doesn't work out..it doesn't work out and i get divorced and try it all over again.."

I just think that's...a unique perspective.

[trailmix 77]

I've never heard of someone doing it before. I don't even have friends at home that have boyfriends at a distance in Ontario that say "we are going to get married and see how the relationship unfolds..if it doesn't work out..it doesn't work out and i get divorced and try it all over again.."

I just think that's...a unique perspective.

Or maybe not that unique? In this tiny little community we call VJ - 6 people said they would.

You are Canadian, he/she is American and you are in love! He wants you to come and live with him in the U.S., the only way to accomplish this is for you to get married are you ok with:

A promise that you will try living together and see where it goes.