need advice

[confused2009 0]

My husband is from morocco. we have been married 2 years 5 months. whenever we have a small fight like i say something and he misuderstands what i mean he gets so mad. It is always something stupid we fight about. He gets so mad to fast and says things he later says he did not mean. The one thing that bothers me the most when he threatens to go back to morocco. It really hurts me and makes me worry alot. I am posting anonomus just to get some advice or hear if anyone else has this problem. After he says it and cools down then he says i made him say it how can i make him say he is going to leave me. The other thing is when he does or says something wrong he can not just say he is sorry. I know he loves me but i think in my head how can you say you love someone so much then tell them you are going back to your country. I am tired of worrying about him leaving afraid i might say something he does not understand to cause a fight. I am also little worried about the financial issues i will face if he leaves. But not as much as i am worried about my sanity it is driving me crazy.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

[Nagishkaw 510]

Perhaps he says the opposite of what he really means. He could be arrogant and want you to beg him to stay. Try telling him to go if that's what he really wants to do. He knows by threatening you to go back to his country gets to you, that's why he uses that tactic. He needs the control to stroke his ego.

[sara..... 371]

My husband is from morocco. we have been married 2 years 5 months. whenever we have a small fight like i say something and he misuderstands what i mean he gets so mad. It is always something stupid we fight about. He gets so mad to fast and says things he later says he did not mean. The one thing that bothers me the most when he threatens to go back to morocco. It really hurts me and makes me worry alot. I am posting anonomus just to get some advice or hear if anyone else has this problem. After he says it and cools down then he says i made him say it how can i make him say he is going to leave me. The other thing is when he does or says something wrong he can not just say he is sorry. I know he loves me but i think in my head how can you say you love someone so much then tell them you are going back to your country. I am tired of worrying about him leaving afraid i might say something he does not understand to cause a fight. I am also little worried about the financial issues i will face if he leaves. But not as much as i am worried about my sanity it is driving me crazy.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

im prolly going to end up getting fried for my answer, but here goes

first im sorry ur going thru this and at some point i believe it will get better.

Muslim men have been taught since they are small boys they are head of the family and that they take care of everything.

so sometimes when arguments come its very difficult for them to adjust to the fact that usa women or women that are westernized have opinions different than theirs, and that we many and most of the time have the ability to make up our own minds about just about any issue that comes up as we have been taught to do.

what may be a small thing to us is feeling like a big thing to them.

then there is the language difference, while someone from another country might speak and understand English pretty well it does not mean that they always get what it is ur saying and this i can say with all honesty because English is not my first langue so many times i take literally what someone says instead of the way they intended for it to be.

so in the end when he tells u he is going back its like the only thing he has to threaten u with when angry that he knows will make an impact.

only thing i can suggest is communication and lots of it about issues when he is not upset or angry, and could be he is upset and angry just because of such a different world he has been used to so things frustrate him.

i think it will get better over time both of u will learn how to not do what is going on now, when we marry we are two people that have never lived the life of the other trying to learn a common ground for our life together that we are both comfortable with

lastly he should never use im going back as a way to make an impact on the situation.

ur in my prayers

sara

im not trying to defend him to u but from my own experience i know what its like to try to readjust to living in the states after having been gone so long so i can only assume what it must be like for him not having grown up here

[confused2009 0]

Perhaps he says the opposite of what he really means. He could be arrogant and want you to beg him to stay. Try telling him to go if that's what he really wants to do. He knows by threatening you to go back to his country gets to you, that's why he uses that tactic. He needs the control to stroke his ego.

I do tell him if you are not happy here then go i want him to be happy then its over til next little fight he says it again. The thing that bothers me the most how can you say you love someone for 4 years and threaten to leave them he says i love you everyday. How can you hurt someone like that if you truely love them. Sometimes he threatens to go to bar well he does not drink so that threat does not bother me cause i know he won't do it. thanks for advice

[john & jean 37]

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS, the next time a little misunderstanding gets the "I'm going back", call his hand.

If he chooses to go back to "his country" you will be better off. The reason this happens is because of the way you acted the first time he said it.

If you had immediately packed his things and placed them at the front door, you would not be dealing with the threats now!!

When the argument is over tell him you made me pack your stuff. At that point, if he chooses allow HIM to unpack....

[confused2009 0]

My husband is from morocco. we have been married 2 years 5 months. whenever we have a small fight like i say something and he misuderstands what i mean he gets so mad. It is always something stupid we fight about. He gets so mad to fast and says things he later says he did not mean. The one thing that bothers me the most when he threatens to go back to morocco. It really hurts me and makes me worry alot. I am posting anonomus just to get some advice or hear if anyone else has this problem. After he says it and cools down then he says i made him say it how can i make him say he is going to leave me. The other thing is when he does or says something wrong he can not just say he is sorry. I know he loves me but i think in my head how can you say you love someone so much then tell them you are going back to your country. I am tired of worrying about him leaving afraid i might say something he does not understand to cause a fight. I am also little worried about the financial issues i will face if he leaves. But not as much as i am worried about my sanity it is driving me crazy.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

im prolly going to end up getting fried for my answer, but here goes

first im sorry ur going thru this and at some point i believe it will get better.

Muslim men have been taught since they are small boys they are head of the family and that they take care of everything.

so sometimes when arguments come its very difficult for them to adjust to the fact that usa women or women that are westernized have opinions different than theirs, and that we many and most of the time have the ability to make up our own minds about just about any issue that comes up as we have been taught to do.

what may be a small thing to us is feeling like a big thing to them.

then there is the language difference, while someone from another country might speak and understand English pretty well it does not mean that they always get what it is ur saying and this i can say with all honesty because English is not my first langue so many times i take literally what someone says instead of the way they intended for it to be.

so in the end when he tells u he is going back its like the only thing he has to threaten u with when angry that he knows will make an impact.

only thing i can suggest is communication and lots of it about issues when he is not upset or angry, and could be he is upset and angry just because of such a different world he has been used to so things frustrate him.

i think it will get better over time both of u will learn how to not do what is going on now, when we marry we are two people that have never lived the life of the other trying to learn a common ground for our life together that we are both comfortable with

lastly he should never use im going back as a way to make an impact on the situation.

ur in my prayers

sara

im not trying to defend him to u but from my own experience i know what its like to try to readjust to living in the states after having been gone so long so i can only assume what it must be like for him not having grown up here

I know he is having hard time finding good job he is working but wants to do more to help. It is not his fault its cause of the economy. He just needs to be patient. I know alot of it is he does not understand what i mean sometimes but he should ask to make sure what i mean not just get so mad. I explain what i mean if i do not think he understand and that should fix problem but he still stays mad. I know he would love to have great job so i only had to work part-time and someday that will happen. He worries so much about work that it interferes in personal life. thansk you so much for your answer

[reeses16 8]

My husband is pretty laid back and slow to anger. But we have had our share of misunderstandings. What works for us, if I say something to him and its clear that he misunderstood me, I will tell him "I don't think you understand what I mean. I mean ...." and explain it in a different way. He does the same to me. If we don't understand on that second try, and its not something critical we let it go. This has worked out well for us, before it a misunderstanding led to a looong conversation, frustration, and usually ended with him saying, "you make me feel like I don't know English." Well, I don't want to make him feel bad, I don't want to stress myself out for no reason. Typically we later figure out what the other was trying to say. Sometimes we don't and its okay too.

Threatening to go back to Morroco is a problem. If you haven't already, tell him how that makes you feel. One thing I hate is to worry and be fearful of what might happen. My approach is to think about my problem and prepare for it. If I were in your position, I would try to improve my financial situation so that I would worry about what would happen if he left. That could mean many things, looking for a job (full/part), or second job. If he handles the money, figure out what bills you have the due dates, how to contact the company etc (in case you need to negotiate lower monthly payments). And try to have an emergency fund. If money is tight, it might be hard to save for months of living expenses, so start with something small, like at least 1 mo rent/mortgage & groceries&gas). Also, if you've found yourself not in touch with friends and family as much as you were before you got married, rekindle those ties. Friends and family can help you out in a crises. Moral support, a place to stay etc.

Edited May 8, 2009 by reeses16

[Nagishkaw 510]

Perhaps he says the opposite of what he really means. He could be arrogant and want you to beg him to stay. Try telling him to go if that's what he really wants to do. He knows by threatening you to go back to his country gets to you, that's why he uses that tactic. He needs the control to stroke his ego.

I do tell him if you are not happy here then go i want him to be happy then its over til next little fight he says it again. The thing that bothers me the most how can you say you love someone for 4 years and threaten to leave them he says i love you everyday. How can you hurt someone like that if you truely love them. Sometimes he threatens to go to bar well he does not drink so that threat does not bother me cause i know he won't do it. thanks for advice

Perhaps he does not know HOW to love. 0nly you know. I would say actions speak louder than words. He knows by making those threats that he can and does very well get away with it . Remember the saying, If it aint broke, dont fix it?

[confused2009 0]

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS, the next time a little misunderstanding gets the "I'm going back", call his hand.

If he chooses to go back to "his country" you will be better off. The reason this happens is because of the way you acted the first time he said it.

If you had immediately packed his things and placed them at the front door, you would not be dealing with the threats now!!

When the argument is over tell him you made me pack your stuff. At that point, if he chooses allow HIM to unpack....

you hit it right on the nose. I feel like i am walking on eggshells i can not do this anymore. I do not understand we have such small fights and not alot about stupid things. He is wonderful man and would hate to loose him. Why can he just not say that. That is only problem i have.

[reeses16 8]

I used to get angry because I would tell my husband to do something (with specific instructions) and then he would do it differently. Then I would tell him, if you didn't understand what I said you should ask me to explain it again. I FINALLY realized that to him there wasn't a misunderstanding, he did what he thought I asked. He would only ask for help when HE realized there was a misunderstanding.

[john & jean 37]

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS, the next time a little misunderstanding gets the "I'm going back", call his hand.

If he chooses to go back to "his country" you will be better off. The reason this happens is because of the way you acted the first time he said it.

If you had immediately packed his things and placed them at the front door, you would not be dealing with the threats now!!

When the argument is over tell him you made me pack your stuff. At that point, if he chooses allow HIM to unpack....

you hit it right on the nose. I feel like i am walking on eggshells i can not do this anymore. I do not understand we have such small fights and not alot about stupid things. He is wonderful man and would hate to loose him. Why can he just not say that. That is only problem i have.

AGAIN, because it gets the reaction from you that he is looking for...............

[baron555 934]

whenever we have a small fight

Why is this happening. I'm thinking it may be marriage counselar time. Him being out of work is hurting his pride and then what do you do? Who starts the fights? What are the subjects? Please do not answer these questions here but in your head. Frequent fights are not a good sign.

[confused2009 0]

My husband is pretty laid back and slow to anger. But we have had our share of misunderstandings. What works for us, if I say something to him and its clear that he misunderstood me, I will tell him "I don't think you understand what I mean. I mean ...." and explain it in a different way. He does the same to me. If we don't understand on that second try, and its not something critical we let it go. This has worked out well for us, before it a misunderstanding led to a looong conversation, frustration, and usually ended with him saying, "you make me feel like I don't know English." Well, I don't want to make him feel bad, I don't want to stress myself out for no reason. Typically we later figure out what the other was trying to say. Sometimes we don't and its okay too.

Threatening to go back to Morroco is a problem. If you haven't already, tell him how that makes you feel. One thing I hate is to worry and be fearful of what might happen. My approach is to think about my problem and prepare for it. If I were in your position, I would try to improve my financial situation so that I would worry about what would happen if he left. That could mean many things, looking for a job (full/part), or second job. If he handles the money, figure out what bills you have the due dates, how to contact the company etc (in case you need to negotiate lower monthly payments). And try to have an emergency fund. If money is tight, it might be hard to save for months of living expenses, so start with something small, like at least 1 mo rent/mortgage & groceries&gas). Also, if you've found yourself not in touch with friends and family as much as you were before you got married, rekindle those ties. Friends and family can help you out in a crises. Moral support, a place to stay etc.

he gets mad to easy and i do not think its at me his job is driving him crazy. He knows it hurts me i think that is why he does it like his way to end the fight. He then closes up and will not talk to me at all and he knows that also drives me crazy. He thinks if stop talking the fight is over. I have been thinking about p/t job. I work full time. I feel bad talking to my friends or family about this cause not want them to feel bad towards him. They think i am very happy and when he does not say that i am. My family likes him alot too.

[confused2009 0]

whenever we have a small fight

Why is this happening. I'm thinking it may be marriage counselar time. Him being out of work is hurting his pride and then what do you do? Who starts the fights? What are the subjects? Please do not answer these questions here but in your head. Frequent fights are not a good sign.

He is working just wants better job. To help out more with money.

[confused2009 0]

thanks again for all the help i feel alot better. You guys helped alot. I think best think for me to do is when he says it again just say ok when you leaving. I will do my best not to get upset cause i do think that is why he says it. I love this forum it has been alot of help.