What about after the move?

[Krikit 1,163]

Be prepared for the days when he rants about how awful everything in America and how much better everything is in Canada. Don't take it personally and don't try apply logic. Just accept that it's really hard to adjust to a new life. Tell him that you love him and that things will get better.

Phil just holds me and lets me cry. He tells me that he loves me. When I've cried myself out, I think about how fortunate I am to have such a supportive husband.

~ Catherine

Yeah. That's a big one. I should try to find one of the threads about this. "I'll be back."

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Yep - there will be days when everything relating to the US is ####### (I'm the Cdn btw) and you just have to ride it out. I am surprised that my husband can love me through my ranting, but it's obviously true love!

Some days....it just hits me that I can't just pop by my parents, I can't get a Tim Horton's, the ketchup here tastes weird, there's no f-ing french on the cereal box and THEN - I am on the warpath

I also try to avoid Fox News TV at all costs - that ticks me off even on happy days!

[July09Bride 1]

Be prepared for the days when he rants about how awful everything in America and how much better everything is in Canada. Don't take it personally and don't try apply logic. Just accept that it's really hard to adjust to a new life. Tell him that you love him and that things will get better.

Phil just holds me and lets me cry. He tells me that he loves me. When I've cried myself out, I think about how fortunate I am to have such a supportive husband.

~ Catherine

Yeah. That's a big one. I should try to find one of the threads about this. "I'll be back."

Yep. This one has come up and yes, unfortunately, I take it personally. He says YOU meaning Americans/America and not ME, the You who is standing in front of him. <sigh> This is a hard one, too. Krikit, I hope you find something good! (You usually do!!!)

Edited April 9, 2009 by July09Bride

[Krikit 1,163]

I also try to avoid Fox News TV at all costs - that ticks me off even on happy days!

OMG, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep. This one has come up and yes, unfortunately, I take it personally. He says YOU meaning Americans/America and not ME, the You who is standing in front of him. <sigh> This is a hard one, too. Krikit, I hope you find something good! (You usually do!!!)

Ooops! I went and did a search but, unfortunately, you have to know the exact phrase in order to find what you're looking for. And then I got interrupted so I'll look again later. lol

HUGE words of advice: !!!Don't take it personally.!!! It has nothing to do with how things are done "wrong" or differently in America, but has everything to do with feeling helpless and frustrated that you no longer know how ANYTHING is done anymore. It's like learning a new language. Sometimes you feel so overwhelmed/discouraged/disheartened that you just want to cry with frustration. Unfortunately, since crying is quite alarming to both parties, it usually shows its face as anger.... and, sometimes, even anger at the littlest tiniest thing you can imagine. Except it's not about the littlest tiniest thing. It's about the mountains and mountains and mountains of littlest tiniest things which have been building up and building up and building up until that invisible wall starts to crack and then you're scrambling to do damage control from what's just happened, all the while trying to shore up that wall before things get worse. It's not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

[ashenflowers 5]

I have sort of a unique situation where my b/f is the USC, but he USED to also live in Canada for 80% of his life (he just moved to the US again last year). Well, not that unique, but sort of, because we both have to do the adjustment to a new country. He just did his before me. lol So there are things that he misses in Canada as well, that I still have full access to. Sometimes I send him little goodies in the mail that he can't get any more now that he's in California. Like his favourite chocolate bars (Wunderbars and Smarties). We discovered that you can dig around and buy these things online. So that might be kinda nice. Find out what 'purchasable' thing he misses most and see if you can dig it up.

Also, learn to make poutine.

Oh, and I wholeheartedly agree with the don't watch Fox News statement. LOL

Edited April 10, 2009 by ashenflowers

[rooster 1]

I agree with the suggestions that have been listed. One of the biggest, IMO, is to NOT take it personally when they are ranting about the US. I know it is hard sometime's. I still struggle with this at times and we have been married since Dec 05. The suggestion about getting stuff on the internet ie food items is also a good one. We keep Tim's in our house at all times. Also, you can have family members that are still in Canada, ship you stuff in the mail. We have done this a few times as well. You also have to be prepared for his differences as well and learn to take some of them in stride. And while it may seem like a novelty at first, they can begin to get annoyed if you continuosly point out to everyone that your SO is from another country.

[July09Bride 1]

I agree with the suggestions that have been listed. One of the biggest, IMO, is to NOT take it personally when they are ranting about the US. I know it is hard sometime's. I still struggle with this at times and we have been married since Dec 05. The suggestion about getting stuff on the internet ie food items is also a good one. We keep Tim's in our house at all times. Also, you can have family members that are still in Canada, ship you stuff in the mail. We have done this a few times as well. You also have to be prepared for his differences as well and learn to take some of them in stride. And while it may seem like a novelty at first, they can begin to get annoyed if you continuosly point out to everyone that your SO is from another country.

Good info to know. Fortunately for us, we've been dating for so long, people actually forget that he's from another country and assume he's "one of us"! LOL

[JillA 2]

July, is there a Wegmans grocery store where you live? Wegmans gave me great comfort when I moved here, as I quickly found out they stock MANY Canadian food items that are not sold at any other store. It seems small but even little things like finding Tim's coffee or Arrowroot baby cookies at Wegmans made my day!

[July09Bride 1]

July, is there a Wegmans grocery store where you live? Wegmans gave me great comfort when I moved here, as I quickly found out they stock MANY Canadian food items that are not sold at any other store. It seems small but even little things like finding Tim's coffee or Arrowroot baby cookies at Wegmans made my day!

No, we don't. We have Kroger, Hiller's, and a Wal-Mart SuperStore (they have groceries). I'll have to see about what they carry. I know Kroger is good about requests (at least they used to be good about it)... maybe they could get something if asked.

[rooster 1]

Another thing I thought of that has helped Danette and I is going to see Canadian bands whenever they are relatively close. We are both into music and share the same tastes so this has helped us along the way as well. We are going to see Nickelback tomorrow night in Dallas and April Wine in Dallas the 24th of this month The one that really made her feel at home was when we saw The Trews in Tulsa a couple years ago. They are not as big as AW or Nickelback, plus they are from Nova Scotia, so this made it seem a bit more intimate for her.

[ashenflowers 5]

Another thing I thought of that has helped Danette and I is going to see Canadian bands whenever they are relatively close. We are both into music and share the same tastes so this has helped us along the way as well. We are going to see Nickelback tomorrow night in Dallas and April Wine in Dallas the 24th of this month The one that really made her feel at home was when we saw The Trews in Tulsa a couple years ago. They are not as big as AW or Nickelback, plus they are from Nova Scotia, so this made it seem a bit more intimate for her.

ewwww Nickleback??? really?!?!

LOL

[rooster 1]

Another thing I thought of that has helped Danette and I is going to see Canadian bands whenever they are relatively close. We are both into music and share the same tastes so this has helped us along the way as well. We are going to see Nickelback tomorrow night in Dallas and April Wine in Dallas the 24th of this month The one that really made her feel at home was when we saw The Trews in Tulsa a couple years ago. They are not as big as AW or Nickelback, plus they are from Nova Scotia, so this made it seem a bit more intimate for her.

ewwww Nickleback??? really?!?!

LOL

Yes really!!. We both enjoy a wide range of rock from the 60's to current.

[Krikit 1,163]

OMG, April Wine played at one of my high school dances! I think Nickleback is awesome. They're not the kind of band I would buy the music to, but they are definitely very talented.

[trailmix 77]

OMG, April Wine played at one of my high school dances! I think Nickleback is awesome. They're not the kind of band I would buy the music to, but they are definitely very talented.

I agree, I like Nickleback too!

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

This is a subject that hits very close to home for me. My husband moved to the U.S. in June 2008 on his K-1 visa. He came from a very small town in Canada (Campbell River), and he lived with his family (mom and sisters) at the time that he moved down. He'd worked odd jobs in Canada. He didn't have a lot of possessions when he came here--just his computer and clothes, basically.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty well settled in my career and I own my own house, so it made a lot of sense for my husband to just move down and bring his stuff to here and for us to make the transition from this being MY house to becoming OUR home.

We talked about it a lot before he moved down here because it really looked like there was going to be an unequal "balance of power" between the two of us, given how well I was doing with my career and how he was just starting out--and pretty much "starting over" from square one with his life. One really important thing we agreed on that helped ease the pressure is that we made an agreement about several things, which are as follow:

(1) As long as we're married, this is not "my house." This is "our home." This house is as much my husband's as it is mine. He has just as much of a right to make decisions about it as I do.

(2) No matter how angry we get at one another, we are NOT ALLOWED to say the following things to each other:

Me: "Get out of my house."

Him: "Maybe I should just leave and go back to Canada."

Of course, my husband sort of broke his end of this deal--that was a big fiasco, but it's blown over now. We've since gone over this again and have reaffirmed this promise.

Anyway--having an agreement about certain things helps prevent (or at least mitigate) a lot of problems. Another thing that might help transition you from this being "your house" to "our home" is to shop for major furniture/appliances, etc., together. If you need a new washing machine, for example, shop for it together. Let him give you an opinion about which one you two should get.

Buying stuff and doing little special things for your husband and giving him lots of love and affection is really, really good--but you're still going to run into problems and may end up feeling very taken advantage of if, for example, you go way out of your way to give your husband everything he needs and wants, but he's still unhappy because he misses Canada. Or he feels like his freedom has been squealched and his sole purpose of life is to "do your bidding. It's really rough to have to deal with that stuff. It's hard to know what to do, and most of the time, talking to your friends and family doesn't help very much because they haven't been through your situation and have never had to deal with anything like it--so, they don't get it and may put it in your head that your husband is being a selfish ingrate (which is not true).

One special challenge you may face is that you're female and are bringing a male to the U.S. as an immigrant. This presents certain special issues. Sometimes men feel like, if they can't be the breadwinners, it hurts their pride and makes them feel like less of a man. My husband is very laid back and doesn't care about that stuff, so I was lucky in that aspect. BUT. One thing I've had a really rough time dealing with is that my husband isn't as connected with his emotions as I am.

Sometimes he will be feeling lonely or homesick or something and doesn't know how to talk to me about it. Sometimes he feels like it's inappropriate to say anything. Other times, he'll get really moody and snap at me and doesn't really understand why he's doing it; he'll just shut down. And no matter how hard I try--no matter how much effort I put forth--he won't open up to me. It really sucks. I have tried everything from sitting down and hugging him and using sweet words to make him feel better to screaming at him out of frustration and punching the wall. Both reactions yielded similar results--absolutely no response from him. Sometimes I felt like I was going to go crazy with anger and frustration.

It's not to say that this is what all men do, but these are some challenges that you may have to face in the future. I think that the most important thing that you can do in helping your husband adjust--even in light of some very difficult and heart-crushing probelms you may have to face--is to be tenacious. Don't give up on him, no matter how much you will want to. And be sure to hang on to your ability to forgive. You will SO need it.

This might not mean anything to you right now. Eight months ago, when I was sooo in love and sooo excited about my husband moving down and our getting married, I wouldn't have ever dreamed we'd have the kinds of problems that we've had to face. I'm sure that everything will be fine in my marriage, and I think that you, too, will have a very happy and successful marriage. If you run into the sorts of problems I've described above, just know that you are NOT alone and that everything will work out.