skeptical friends and family

[Costel's star 0]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Hi! I am new here but just wanted to let you know that my fiance and I had this very same problem.

I know that everybody loves me and worries that I am being used and I try to understand that. But it did bother me as well and finally they all did come to realize that we are serious and very much in love. My Costel says that we will show them our love when we get our visa. It even went as far as two of my cousins running what they thought was a background check on him and sent me an email telling me to beware and to read this attachment because it could be a matter of life or death....they had the wrong man of course.....it was another older man with the same name but it still caused tears because they told me that they were going to tell my parents. This really worried me because I just knew that I would never get this all straightened out and to let them know that my love was not the same man. Needless to say I let my cousins know that I did not like this and never metal in my business again. I know that they were worried about me going to Spain to meet him for the first time but still that did not help me to understand their reasoning at the time. Now it is all straighten out and as I told you earlier they know now that we are very much in love. One of them even fixed us a binder with all the info and forms from the USCIS site which really helped out because we did not know the first thing we needed to do and have even sent us a box of Wedding presents already. Anyway just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It will work out-------just do alot of ignoring and praying.

[amberdima 6]

how do you deal with skeptical family/ friends/ strangers (who cares) who automatically assume you're being used to obtain a greencard? i feel like i'm constantly justifying myself and our relationship; yet, people, including my father make insulting comments regularly... as if this lonely, agonizing process wasn't difficult enough.

Hi! I am new here but just wanted to let you know that my fiance and I had this very same problem.

I know that everybody loves me and worries that I am being used and I try to understand that. But it did bother me as well and finally they all did come to realize that we are serious and very much in love. My Costel says that we will show them our love when we get our visa. It even went as far as two of my cousins running what they thought was a background check on him and sent me an email telling me to beware and to read this attachment because it could be a matter of life or death....they had the wrong man of course.....it was another older man with the same name but it still caused tears because they told me that they were going to tell my parents. This really worried me because I just knew that I would never get this all straightened out and to let them know that my love was not the same man. Needless to say I let my cousins know that I did not like this and never metal in my business again. I know that they were worried about me going to Spain to meet him for the first time but still that did not help me to understand their reasoning at the time. Now it is all straighten out and as I told you earlier they know now that we are very much in love. One of them even fixed us a binder with all the info and forms from the USCIS site which really helped out because we did not know the first thing we needed to do and have even sent us a box of Wedding presents already. Anyway just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It will work out-------just do alot of ignoring and praying.

thank you for sharing

[faryan 4]

Amberdima,

You bring about a legitimate issue and if you come from a family like mine, ignoring them is not really possible. This is just where you have to be of a strong mind. Yes it is possible to be scammed. I hear stories of people being scammed by people they even grew up with back at the ol' country and recently fell in love with. It's hard when that person is a relative and telling you first hand. I understand. How do I deal with it? First, I accept that every relationship is a risk and make sure that with every step it is a risk that I am comfortable with. After that, if asked about my guy I just say "we are great!" and leave it at that. I might also throw in a "its so amazing how a long distance relationship forces you to really get to know each other. You can't hide behind good sex!" Use the second sentence only as appropriate. As someone said earlier, the nay sayers can only see for themselves. So focus on building a strong relationship. They'll come around later. I was a nay-sayer, and here I am...

Hmmm yes some here has given great replies .............. and to some others i must strongly oppose .... Yes from his history it may seem that he rushed to marry. But its not our duty here to comment on whether its scam or not. The OP knows it the best. Yes great reply Koakland. BUt yes Amberdima its true that usage for Greencard happens. I am from India and married my fiance after we met for purely business perpose. Now some of her relatives daughter and she even herself was sceptical that i am using her for Green card . No hard feelings here but let me say this here. Most americans are foolish enough to think USA to be the world and people around the world and craving to become US citizens !! . At least in India the way we live is extreme luxury. And believe me i wanted to go back 2-3 times as i found things to be so creepy, narrow, shelfish, unfriendly here. USA does have its own charisma and good things , that does not mean that people around the world are ready to leave everything in their homeland just to become us citizens. So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card is a total idiocy to think. So anyways you shd depend on your own senses to know your partner. My wife now knows that I am staying only & only for her, may be in future we wd try to relocate to some other country. Thanks and sorry for my words .

To think, "So such an idea that we are all eager for US green card..." may well be total idiocy. However since nobody asserted that, what label do you use for misinterpreting such a thought?

My wife had a great life in China too but was looking for something she had little chance finding in China, a loving husband who would treat her well. Not much chance of that for a divorced mother of a daughter in China. At the same time, Guangzhou has a high visa fraud rate. Ignorance is usually the cause of the problems we're discussing here, so information is the best cure.

I agree Pushbrk. I am extremely sorry if i hurt anybody`s feeling. BUt yes i was quite surprised when i heard that sceptical stuff from my wifes relatives & the area where from I come in India has zero visa fraud, i made them aware of that. So when i made them understand the type of life and goods we have in India, they were certain . And yes the best cure to this sort of a situation is mixing more with the family and gain their trust and love. Thats what I did . Now my wifes grand daughter cant stay without me. And did several activities with my wifes daughter and we are great now .... so more intermixing & exchange of thoughts and ideas and making them more aware of your society and culture wd of course help .... Thanks

As Pushbrk said, ignorance is usually the cause of these problems. I totally agree. And as Christera also shared, intermixing and exchange of thoughts and ideas helps a long way. Its very basic, but applicable to a lot of situation, esp the ones caused by ignorance. People sometimes fear the unknown and others who are different. silly i know, but its just how it is.

On a diff but related note: I too get upset like Christera when i read some exchanges/accusation re how people who want to come to US/married to USC just want green card (not to say that this doesnt happen), or better life (which im not sure is better, esp when looking at cost of medical care, education, cost of living, and how it will definitely not be a better off situation at all for me other than being with my dearest husband). I too live a comfy life with my family in my own country. But here we are, working on me joining SO in the US. Another life's adventure. Have to work on my patience level though, to not start shouting at people that I'd rather move to Germany or Denmark ( ) if ever anybody try to accuse me of anything of the sort. hehehe...

[OttoMay 0]

What most Americans think is that everyone in the world wants to come to America! This is so wrong! I think most people would prefer to stay in their home country, it is for one reason or another they are choose to relocate in USA. Your father, thinking your fiancee's only goal is to move to USA is so wrong! I bet if it was possable, your fiancee would like for you to move to her country.

The case with my Fiancee is not that she wants to become a US citizen, she just wants someone to love her!! The same with me, I want someone to love and love me. I have not found that person here at home, but I found her in the Philippines.

As far as scammers, there are many right here at home!, for money, power, status, you name it.

I don't know what to tell you about how to deal with all the negitive attitudes, other than just ignor them, they do wish good for you? don't they?

[Old Dominion 26]

When we marry anyone who is "not like us" we find new friends. A respectful distance from your father and any other skeptical relatives seems to be in order at this time. They will come around when they realize how happy and productive the two of you will become. If not, then the respectful distance still works.

A friend lost the support of her entire large "Christian" family for marrying an African a year ago. Her father is an ordained minister, but refused to perform the wedding or even acknowledge that they were getting married. As it turned out, her husband IS a fraud and has scammed her. Fortunately, the AOS interview is just around the corner and she won't go to it -- in fact, as of yesterday is living temporarily with an aunt out of town, just to avoid being physically abused.

[amberdima 6]

What most Americans think is that everyone in the world wants to come to America! This is so wrong! I think most people would prefer to stay in their home country, it is for one reason or another they are choose to relocate in USA. Your father, thinking your fiancee's only goal is to move to USA is so wrong! I bet if it was possable, your fiancee would like for you to move to her country.

The case with my Fiancee is not that she wants to become a US citizen, she just wants someone to love her!! The same with me, I want someone to love and love me. I have not found that person here at home, but I found her in the Philippines.

As far as scammers, there are many right here at home!, for money, power, status, you name it.

I don't know what to tell you about how to deal with all the negitive attitudes, other than just ignor them, they do wish good for you? don't they?

i agree with most of you on the fact that the US is not some haven that our fiances are running to to escape their third-world countries (lol). i would like to leave the US because i made more money before i wasted 5 yrs and $60,000 in college and now i cant find a job. yay USA.

and yes, many american men have 'scammed' me in the past...maybe that's why i fell for someone a world away...

Edited December 16, 2008 by amberdima