What to do?

[iamhere 0]

I'm an old member but since many of our friends know my nick decided to write under a new one.

Here's the thing: I moved here a year ago and within several months found a very good job with very nice salary (mid 40s). My darling husband, USC, is at a job that pays $9 per hour. A month before I came, he took out a mortgage on his mothers house which she gave to him (the quit claim deed or something like that) so I am not on a single paper. Since his salary is so low, I am stuck paying over 60% amount of mortgage payments, and not to mention all the household bills - electric and gas $400!, I won't even go into the cable/internet/phone and other bills. And whoever has a house knows it's not just bills and stuff - there's things to be fixed, replaced, something always comes up. Not to mention the taxes on property.

With all this, I don't like the area where we live and want to move into an apartment in one of the city suburbs - I work downtown in one of major mid-western cities. I can find a nice apartment with most of utilities included for what we pay now for mortgage rate and I will be saving a good chunk on electric bill. On the other hand, my husband is adamant about moving yes, but to ANOTHER house! He even sneakily took me to his older sister's but on the way back he wanted to make a short stop to check something out. I drove to the place, but did not even slow down so he could see the other house.

To top it all off, mid-year in '09 he will be deploying and I will be stuck with caring for the house which I refuse to do. And besides do not want to have his family ever again coming to my residence - we just had his younger sister (20 yr old college student) for 4 months in our place and in that time my brand new never opened GPS system was stolen, my pets were mistreated and the house looked like a bomb exploded in it after a short 7-day vacation. So, no, I don't ever want to see his family again.

What are my chances when he sells this house to refuse signing any and all mortgage papers? I'm asking because without my salary he won't ever be given another mortgage as he does not make enough.

I have also considered withholding transfer of money from my checking to our joint account (most of my salary comes to my account and only a small amount to our joint - so I can keep my checking "free" of service fees with direct deposit) so I can show him that he can't even afford one house but not sure it would work.

Thanks for all thoughts and input you may have for me.

To clarify, I am not looking for a divorce or a way out of my marriage - I love my husband but I will not be taken for this kind of a ride where only his word matters while I work my a$$ off at work.

Edited August 23, 2008 by iamhere

[Huanyen 0]

Reading this, I understand why you want to live in an apartment, but I don't know why your husband likes to live in a single-family house. Do you know why he wants to live in a single family house?

[Donna A 4]

how about something in between like a condo.

[psiprez 3]

I agree that a condo or townhouse is a good compromise. That way, he has the home ownership he wants, you have the new location and condo association maintenance department you want.

The negatives are that condos or townhouses can easily be as expensive as single family homes, and sometimes harder to resell.

As for getting his own mortgage... based on his salary, there is no way he can do it without having you as a co-applicant. So if you don't want to do it, don't be bullied into it. Just say no, plain and simple.

[reeses16 8]

He won't be able to get a house without you. If you really don't want a house, don't give in an sign the papers. I think compromise is important in marriage, but I think its important to make good financial decisions.

Like another poster mentioned, find out why he wants a house. Maybe it would be good to put things on paper. Clearly list out your property taxes, energy expenses everything- basically your budget making sure you list the expenses related to maintaining the home you live in. Then also write down what you expect to spend on the same categories if you rent an apartment (or buy a townhome/condo). Once you have calculated the amount of money you will save, make a plan for that money. Be specific in your plans, listing clear goal take $ and put in a retirement account or high-yield savings account, trip to visit family and friends in home country, pay off debt.

[iamhere 0]

I have gone through putting everything on paper - in each case it prevails on the side of an apartment vs. house - saving at least a $900 per month. I don't get why he thinks everyone wants to own a house? I understand the build up of equity through home ownership but how much do you really own when you're stuck with a 30-yr mortgage? It's the bank that owns, not you.

I am reluctant to get another mortgage be it for a condo either. I want to be able to leave the country when I want without having ties of mortgage hanging around me. The plan is for us to move back to my homecountry by mid-2012 and for that time I'd be happy renting a place.

Thank you for all the input - I definitely won't be signing any new mortgage papers and am still determined to move us to an apartment come spring next year.

[alienlovechild 75]

Take a look at the rent vs. own calculators online for some solid numbers to help make a decision.

http://realestate.yahoo.com/calculators/rent_vs_own.html

http://www.vlender.com/cgi-bin/calc/rent_vs_buy.cgi

[lucyrich 20]

I understand the build up of equity through home ownership but how much do you really own when you're stuck with a 30-yr mortgage? It's the bank that owns, not you.

You own the appreciation in value. In the short term, that may not be much. In the past year or so, that's probably been significantly negative. House prices may continue to fall for awhile here in the next year or so, but in the long term, they fairly consistently go upwards at or a little better than the rate of overall inflation.

If you plan on moving soon, renting is probably better financially, and it certainly involves a lot less risk and maintenance hassles. If nothing else, paying real estate commissions for the transactions eats into any potential gain you might have had. But if you plan on staying put for several years, the fact that the home price appreciates, and your mortgage stays fixed while rent payments would periodically increase, tips the balance in favor of ownership, even if the monthly expenses are a bit lower for renting for the first few years.

But it also sounds like you have different things you value in a lifestyle, and these lifestyle differences can be more important than the finance numbers, especially if the finance numbers are close or if you're not sure how to predict the future appreciation of your house. Home ownership involves responsibility for maintenance. It also means having whatever carpets and paint schemes you choose, and being free to change things around without consulting with a landlord.

Since I don't know either of you, I might be completely wrong with what follows, but I'll throw it out anyway. It may not be about the rational side of things you can put on a spreadsheet at all. There may be some emotional issues about who makes the decisions and how you negotiate to resolve conflict. It's tough when you love someone yet you both have differing feelings about something that's important to you. Couples can go through years of avoiding serious conflict by each compromising on the things that aren't so important to them, but when they come to direct confict on an issue that's dear to both of their hearts, problems ensue. This won't be your last conflict. It may be that a professional counselor or a disinterested third party might help you figure out how to talk through things, but maybe not. If the debate is getting emotionally stressful and things are starting to feel out of hand, I suggest you try to set aside a time to postpone housing arrangement discussions and talk about the things you love about each other. Remember what brought you together.