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Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Vietnam
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Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are

May 10, 2006 | Issue 42•19

BATON ROUGE, LA—In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator–drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles' ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

Alligators exhibit the potential to inflict serious harm, regardless of the blood-alcohol levels of their victims.

"Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."

McCrory said the study yielded statistics that speak for themselves.

"In 10 out of 10 documented cases of violent alligator–drunkard encounters, the reptile was not influenced by the fact that the victim was 'just kidding' or 'just having some fun,'" McCrory said.

To an alligator, McCrory explained, a human forearm, even drunkenly dangled between the creature's casually opened jaws, still appears to be prey.

In field experiments, members of the control group performed no better-—and often far worse—than their sober counterparts in defending themselves against a 300-pound, seven-foot bull alligator. Even when armed with an empty tequila bottle.

"At best, the bottles bounced harmlessly off the alligator's snout," said LSU research assistant Tracy Sawyer.

When placed in water, the drunken volunteers fared even worse, and the alligator markedly better, Sawyer said.

In addition, the alligators far outperformed their inebriated human counterparts in the following areas: lunging, biting, crushing, dismembering, and swallowing.

Drunkard Jim Boudreaux taunts the alligator he called "a total #####" in front of friends.

According to the study, an alligator's characteristic grin should not be interpreted as a lighthearted reaction to the outrageous nerve of an alcohol-addled human. "Don't let an alligator's easygoing appearance fool you," Sawyer said. "These creatures have no empathy for drunken pranksters looking for fun. They are not black bears."

McCrory recommended that alligator wrestling be undertaken solely by professionals, specifically roadside-attraction proprietors. For drunkards interested in proving their mettle with alligators, the researchers proposed these guidelines:

Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as attending a strip club, burning a pile of tires, or painting one's buttocks with a funny face and videotaping it.

Sick or infant deer are considered a far safer match for most inebriated humans; kicking a raccoon or squirrel already dying by the side of the road is also recommended.

Experts suggest that those who become aggressive after consuming alcohol would be safer channeling that energy into more constructive behavior, such as calling an ex-lover.

And McCrory warned drunkards who "absolutely must assault an alligator while inebriated" to first make sure it is not a John Deere Gator cargo utility vehicle. This oversight "is a common occurrence," he said.

K1____Timeline

California processing center

Consulate: HCMC

I-129F sent ----------------------------------09/20/2005

NOA 1 (receipt)------------------------------09/27/2005

NOA 2 (approved)----------- ---------------12/12/2005

Package received by NVC------------------12/23/2005

Package left NVC----------------------------12/30/2005

Received by consulate----------------------01/04/2006

Recieved instructions (pkt 3)---------------01/27/2006

Date completed instructions (pkt 3)-------02/28/2006

Date recieved appointment letter (pkt4)--03/23/2006

Interview Date-------------------------------04/24/2006

Recieved visa--------------------------------04/27/2006

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Canada
Timeline

amusing.

Barbara (Canada) & Dallas (USC)

AOS

Nov 13 2005 EAD & I-485 sent to Chicago Lockbox

Nov 22, 2005 EAD & I-485 NOA1

Dec 15, 2005 Biometrics for EAD & I-485

Dec 19, 2005 EAD & I-485 Touched

Jan 21, 2006 Rec'd I-485 Fingerprint Reschedule Notice (AHHH!!!)

Feb 10, 2006 Fingerprint App't

Feb 1, 2006 EAD Approved!!!!

Feb 11, 2006 Rec'd EAD card

Feb 13, 2006 Applied for SSN

Feb 17, 2006 Rec'd SSN

Feb 23, 2006 I-485 Transferred to CSC (AHHH!!)

Mar 02, 2006 I-485 Has been received at CSC

Mar 13, 2006 I-485 Touched

Mar 14, 2006 I-485 Touched

Apr 15 & 25 2006 emailed CSC for status inquiry on I-485

Apr 26 2006 received a response from CSC, another response in 60 days (ahhhhh!!!)

Apr 27, 2006 I-485 Touched

Jun 17, 2006 I-485 Touched

Jun 19, 2006 I-485 Touched

Jun 20, 2006 I-485 Touched

July 3, 2006 emailed CSC again, no response given in the allotted 60 days time frame.

July 27, 2006 received a response from CSC, another response will be given in 30 days.. ha ha ha.

***app sent back to Missouri ***app sent to Chicago

Aug 21 2006 touched

Sept 29 2006 3rd year Anniversay

October 13, 2006 Immigration Interview - Need to return with Long Form Birth Certificate

October 13, 2006 Long Form Birth Cert ordered with expediated shipping

October 18, 2006 Birth Cert Received

October 19, 2006 2nd Immigration Interview - APPROVED

5-20 business days for the Green Card to arrive, maybe I'll be back to see my family before Christmas?

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Serbia
Timeline

That is hilarious

February 1, 2006 - Married in Brooklyn, NY

February 7, 2006 - I-485, I-130, I-131, I-765 Filed

February 18, 2006 - NOA for I-485, I-130, I-131, I-765

March 16, 2006 - Biometrics for I-765, I-485

March 16, 2006 - I-131, I-130 touched

March 18, 2006 - I-765, I-485 touched

March 18, 2006 - RFE for I-485

March 20, 2006 - I-485 touched

March 27, 2006 - RFE sent out

March 31, 2006 - USCIS received the RFE

April 3, 2006 - I-485 touched

April 5, 2006 - I-485 touched

April 6, 2006 - I-485 touched

April 19, 2006 - AP approved

April 24, 2006 - AP received in the mail

April 22, 2006 - EAD touched

April 24, 2006 - EAD approved

April 29, 2006 - EAD received in the mail

May 15, 2006 - Interview letter received

July 12, 2006 - Interview

July 12, 2006 - APPROVED!!!!

August 14, 2006 - Welcome to the US letter and I-130 approval received in the mail

August 15, 2006 - Permanent Resident Card received in the mail

So far so good

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