That leap of faith...

[Jenn! 918]

That's not a challenge. That's stupidity. Better to compare apples to apples, Jenn.

I didn't realize that the unanticipated challenges experienced by those whose entire courtship was conducted face-to-face on the same continent would somehow be easier by virtue of that experience alone.

Seems more like a freak of nature phenomena to me, if that's the case.

What I think Rebecca is saying is that being able to have a long-term uninterrupted face-to-face courtship does not necessarily protect a couple from unexpected hardship, once that relationship moves stateside.

Well, of course not. There are no guarantees in life. Common sense tells me though that the risk is not as high in a long-term "face-to-face" relationship.

[chri'stina 190]

That's not a challenge. That's stupidity. Better to compare apples to apples, Jenn.

I didn't realize that the unanticipated challenges experienced by those whose entire courtship was conducted face-to-face on the same continent would somehow be easier by virtue of that experience alone.

Seems more like a freak of nature phenomena to me, if that's the case.

What I think Rebecca is saying is that being able to have a long-term uninterrupted face-to-face courtship does not necessarily protect a couple from unexpected hardship, once that relationship moves stateside.

Well, of course not. There are no guarantees in life. Common sense tells me though that the risk is not as high in a long-term "face-to-face" relationship.

I actually doubt that. I think it'd be about the same. If you only can talk to someone for hours for a long time before being around them, you get to know them very fast about who they are inside. While I have known people who married someone they dated face to face for awhile, and in marriage didn't even know eachother anymore. They never took the time to talk about every thing inside of them.

[pax 1]

Well, of course not. There are no guarantees in life. Common sense tells me though that the risk is not as high in a long-term "face-to-face" relationship.

Well, no, maybe not. But to paraphrase Donald Rumsfeld, you go into immigration with the relationship you have, not the relationship you'd like to have. What I mean by that is that, yes, it would have been perfectly lovely if the LoFers here could have been physically together for months or years before taking the plunge. But for quite a lot of us, it just didn't work that way.

So you do the best you can with what you have, with a healthy understanding that creativity and flexibility are absolute musts, and a realistic understanding of the risks.

[Jenn! 918]

That's not a challenge. That's stupidity. Better to compare apples to apples, Jenn.

I didn't realize that the unanticipated challenges experienced by those whose entire courtship was conducted face-to-face on the same continent would somehow be easier by virtue of that experience alone.

Seems more like a freak of nature phenomena to me, if that's the case.

What I think Rebecca is saying is that being able to have a long-term uninterrupted face-to-face courtship does not necessarily protect a couple from unexpected hardship, once that relationship moves stateside.

Well, of course not. There are no guarantees in life. Common sense tells me though that the risk is not as high in a long-term "face-to-face" relationship.

I actually doubt that. I think it'd be about the same. If you only can talk to someone for hours for a long time before being around them, you get to know them very fast about who they are inside. While I have known people who married someone they dated face to face for awhile, and in marriage didn't even know eachother anymore. They never took the time to talk about every thing inside of them.

I disagree, but then again, I've obviously only had one experience, so I don't know the other side.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I think it's a lot easier to present an ideal version of yourself through letters/email/phone calls than if you are with someone every day dealing with every day frustrations. And I think it's easy to romanticize being apart (we love each other so much and can't be together!). I think everyone who has a successful relationship recognizes that no matter how they met or when they

It's kind of disappointing when that romantic dream comes to an end (which it does!) and reality sets in, and think everyone here has probably been through it (or will in the future). I never wanted to get married until I was absolutely sure -- but I did take other risks. I decided I'd rather risk jumping off the career ladder than a failed marriage. I wouldn't have done it any other way (not saying other ways are wrong at all, btw, this is just my way).

My parents (again pre-internet) knew each other 6 weeks and took a leap of faith and got married -- lasted 30 years (ugly divorce, but that's another story).

[Mand 1]

Our entire relationship was "face-to-face", but I do credit people with having enough maturity, knowledge and common sense to go into ANY relationship with their eyes open. I think marriage is something that most people do not jump into blindly, and if they do...be they from a "face-to-face" relationship or internet based, they will probably run into some issues.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Very true Mand

[rebeccajo 14]

I disagree, but then again, I've obviously only had one experience, so I don't know the other side.

I've got a whole boatload of divorced (sometimes more than once) lonely 40-something friends and acquantainces who barely ever left the border of this state, let along the country, PLUS a $50 dollar bill that says your experience is, indeed, one-sided.

[Jenn! 918]

I disagree, but then again, I've obviously only had one experience, so I don't know the other side.

I've got a whole boatload of divorced (sometimes more than once) lonely 40-something friends and acquantainces who barely ever left the border of this state, let along the country, PLUS a $50 dollar bill that says your experience is, indeed, one-sided.

I sense in your post that you might even be at the opposite extreme as me in thinking that an online/non-face-to-face relationship is the preferable method of courtship.

Edited May 16, 2006 by jenn3539

[chri'stina 190]

I think anyone can have a difficult time understanding what they haven't experienced. I'm sure that even those here who met face to face, somehow while traveling or working in another country, or their loved one working or visiting here, had some questions asked from people they knew. Wondering how will it work out, being from 2 different countries or cultures, or how will they adjust to being married, etc.

So even if your relationship has been face to face, there will be people who only think you should marry people from your own area and can't understand why you want to marry someone from a different country, especially if that country has a very different culture than the US. But they can't understand it since they didn't experience it.

Though my family does indeed understand how we got together and sees it as an amazing story, even though they didn't go through it personally. But they saw me go through it, risks and all, and so it helped them understand it a lot.

[pax 1]

Can we not turn this into a flame war?

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Can we not turn this into a flame war?

Thank you.

[terri o'neale 0]

There are many risks involved in loving someone. And physical distance is just one. For me there was this crazy statistic about single mothers of 40. Before Paul I had been married for 14 years to a depressed man, involved for 3 years in another relationship...and then just before we met seriously hurt by another online relationship. I had come to realize that love and committment were two different things. As much as my heart cried out for committment and permenance...I had resigned myself to being alone at 50 with cats. It was at this point that my Paul accepted me. Even as our friendship grew...I was determined not to be hurt again. And even after we met it took him months of loving...and me month of therapy...to accept that sometimes men do stay. And it wouldn't have mattered if he were right next door...I would have still faced those doubts.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

My husband was actually my seond long distance relationship (and all before the internet!) -- I got burned pretty badly, so I knew what to avoid in the future. But I was also younger then and lot more stupid

[rebeccajo 14]

No Jenn, I don't really disagree with you. I just simply don't see that one or the other guarantees any modicum of marital success.

People can be frauds, whether they are from around the corner or around the globe.

Couples can be unrealistic no matter what their geography is.

The rhythm of a long-term marriage is subject to a whole lot more than the manner in which a couple met.

It's about how the couple keep 're-meeting' and 're-molding' whenever one of lifes 'unfortunate circumstances' unveils itself.

Edited May 16, 2006 by rebeccajo