Not the man I thought he was...

[Completely 3]

Hello all. I'm writing once again for some advice and hope that someone can help me out. After 8 months of being separated and waiting for his visa, after going to the interview and passing everything with flying colors, after arriving here in the US and finally being together... I found out that the man I was engaged to was a stranger.

Once here, half the time he was the man I remember; and the other half, he was controlling and manipulative. He also used my computer daily while I was at work to download VERY inappropriate things and to also seek out other women in Minneapolis.

I am broken-hearted... we (or maybe was it just I?) worked so hard throughout this visa process to ensure that everything would work out with the paperwork, the embassy, etc... and of course sometimes relationships don't work out, but this is all just too much. I discovered all of these things on Saturday and he was on a plane tonight, by my choice and his as well. (He still won't admit he did these things although the evidence is all on my computer... he says I've made it all up and that I'm a terrible person for being so judgmental.)

I am wondering--- I know with the I-134, I signed saying that I have all financial responsibility for him. Is that only when he is in the US?? Now that he's on his way back to Europe, am I okay or still liable? Am I safe to just let this visa expire, knowing that he can't re-enter the US? What are the necessary precautions I need to take??

I can't believe this is all happening. Please, someone, say something.

I am sorry that this happened to you, but you know cheer up! there is always someone for you up there.. Dont worry and everything will be okay..

Try to read this piece that I got from the website .. I forgot who is the author of this, but whoever he is this helped me a lot to understand the things about marriage..

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved.

But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear

marriage.

Something about the closure seems constricting, not

enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for

what

it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes

possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did

not

want to make a mistake.I saw my friends get married

for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual

fever,

or just because they thought it was the logical

thing

to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners

became embittered and petty in their dealings with

each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at

best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a

lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and

could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else

to

such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples

who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence.

They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon

each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It

was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.

How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many

years of sameness, so much irritation at the others

habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of

us

seem unable to even stay together, much less love

each

other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well.

There

is something to the claim of fundamental

compatibility. Good people can create a bad

relationship, even though they both dearly want the

relationship to succeed. It is important to find

someone with whom you can create a good relationship

from t! he outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see

clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the

way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to

the

thousands of little things by which relationships

eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way

to

see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual

fascination. Some people choose to involve

themselves

sexually and ride out the most heated period of

sexual

attraction in order to see what is on the other

side.

This can work, but it can also leave a trail of

wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side

altogether

in an attempt to get to know each other apart from

their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly,

because

the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so

large that it keeps them from having any normal

perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to

become long-time friends before they realize they

are

attracted to each other. They get to know each

other's

laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each

other at their worst and at their best. They share

time together before they get swept up into the

entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you

fall

under the spell of your sexual attraction

immediately,

you need to look beyond it for other keys to

compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter

tells you how much you will enjoy each others

company

over the long term.

If your laughter together is good and healthy, and

not

at the expense of others, then you have a healthy

relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of

surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can

always surprise each other. And if you can always

surprise each other, you can always keep the world

around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no

laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based

only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour.

Over

time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the

world

tends to turn you against those who do not share the

same viewpoint, and your relationship can become

based

on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with

the

world in a way you respect. When two people first

get

together, they tend to see their relationship as

existing only in the space between the two of them.

They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the

overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing

obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages

and grows, the outside world becomes important

again.

If your partner treats people or circumstances in a

way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to

grief. Look at the way she cares for others

and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that

makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it

does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way

you each deal with the world around you, eventually

the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the

mysteries

of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and

practicality, and the real life of the heart resides

in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by

the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships,

while the other is drawn only to the literal and the

practical, you must take care that the distance does

not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each

feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by

yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our

hearts

that we will not betray and private commitments to a

vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall

in

love with someone who cannot nourish those

inviolable

parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her,

you will find yourselves growing further apart until

you live in separate worlds where you share the

business of life, but never touch each other where

the

heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a

small

leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and

daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter

and

unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will

have

chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then

the

real miracle of marriage can take place in your

hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a

miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.

There is a miracle in marriage. It is called

transformation. Transformation is one of the most

common events of nature. The seed becomes the

flower.

The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes

spring and love becomes a child. We never question

these, because we se! e them around us every day. To

us they are not miracles, though if we did not know

them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our

love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins

to

flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom,

but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom

will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the

wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed.

We are quite willing to accept the reality of

negative

transformation in a marriage. It was negative

transformation that always had me terrified

of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was

younger. It never occurred to me to question the

dark

[motu 5]

I think if something that drastic happens - you have to kick him out like you did. It holds true if it happens after 4 days or 14 years - its inexcusable.That said I got a kick out of the story - he is looking for sex online and you put him on a plane to Amsterdam - all he needs now is a few Euros to go to the red district

He is probably laughing and telling stories to his drinking buddies about his short visit to the states and his fun with porn and the sexcapades in Amsterdam.

Edited May 24, 2008 by motu

[jundp 191]

I don't even know how I can thank you all for your responses and your support... These past few days have been like something I could have never imagined. I am feeling so many emotions right now--- relief yet remorse, liberation yet complete devastation. I know that this will come to pass... I will heal, and some day this will be a story I can tell that will be educational and somewhat amusing maybe... how could I have put all of myself into something and someone who turned out to be like this??? How could I not have seen the things I now see? Once I have taken a step back, things are so much more clear. There are red flags that I could have paid attention to long ago, but I chose to ignore them in the name of love. I know it is cliche, but "hindsight is 20/20".

The things you all have said to me over the past day have been invaluable and have literally kept me moving along. And I must move along, march forward... inside I know that what I have done is the best for me, but that doesn't necessarily make it hurt any less...

All I can say to all of you is thank you, merci, danke, tack, gracias, grazie, falmenderit...

janna,

you are very strong it seems. You ask how you could have seen this? I don't think you could have. There's cultural differences and then there are azzholes! And they live in America too. My ex was manipulative and turned out to be someone I didn't really know, so we definitely can find these types of men anywhere in the world!

I wish you great happiness as you pick up and move on with your life.