Bump in the road

[cao 0]

To all friends in VJ,

Recently we had big argument about our case with my friancee in different situations. My thought right now is to drop the case while almost 3 months waitig in USCIS. Friends, I need all your advices that can help me stand right at my position now. Thank you for advises.

[andrew va thuy 0]

I am sure every person has an opinion and many may just not offer it.

Having disagreements or differences in opinion is normal. What you both need to consider is do each of you bring out the best in each other ? What skills do you have to make peace early & communicate properly or why did the situation get ugly ?

You will have many more differences of opinion and as you already know - an argument quickly becomes a case of one person wounding the other & eventually the wound is big enough or opened frequently that it does not heal.

Going K-1 is a big thing and not easily repeated, so take your time and make sure. Best Wishes.

[sara..... 371]

Im not sure i understand completely about ur argument.......but the visa process is a very trying time.......its difficult sometimes for our loved one to understand that we cant find out what is happening or why it is taking so long......also culture can come in to play in this time.......i dont think i would give up just because of an argument over our case and there has been a couple on our side but we worked thru it and thanks of God one of us had the understanding to just wait until the other cooled off then talk about it again.......basically it comes down to trust and how much ur devoted to each other......but to come this far and just end it over an argument really would be very sad........i hope u guys patch it up and go forward with ur life's

sara

[PeterFB 0]

It sounds like you wrote this post while you are still upset. You didn't give anyone a good idea of what happened to make you think you should give up. If this argument is one the two of you have had several times, then some serious thought/talk is in order. If this is more just frustration with the process, don't worry, we have had arguments about issues involving this.

While discussioning your personal life may not be what you want to do here, we can't offer substantial advice without understanding your argument. If you're just looking for assurrance and positive reinforcement, then by all means, don't give up.

As the others have said, this is about loving someone and being with them for the rest of your life. Problems come and go, but love lasts.

Peter and Thi

I-129F Sent : 2007-05-26

I-129F NOA1 : 2007-06-11

I-129F RFE(s) :

RFE Reply(s) :

I-129F NOA2 : 2007-10-26

Touched: 2007-11-02

NVC Recieved: 2007-11-16

Consulate recieved ??????

Packet 3 sent 2007-12-11

Packet 3 received 2007-12-24

Packet 3 returned 2007-12-28

Packet 4 sent 2008-1-14

Email Reply with Interview Date 2008-1-23

Interview Date 2008-2-27

Passed Interview 2008-02-27

Visa Pick Up Date 2008-3-05

Received Visa 2008-2-29 (called to pick up earlier)

POE 2008-3-05 Los Angeles

PS. TO everyone who hasn't been updating their timelines or filling out their story in their prolife, it helps all of us understand you better, if we know about you and your fiance(e). Please share, we are all in this together to help each other!

Edited March 26, 2008 by PeterFB

[Melrose Plant 1]

I agree with the posters above. I can't imagine why you would want to take such drastic action as abandoning the petition just because of an argument. It must have been a doozie. I think if you want some actual advice, you will have to tell a little bit more......

I can tell you that my fiancee and I tended to argue some when it got to be 4, 5, and nearly 6 months in USCIS. But that was only because she didn't fully understand the situation at that time in the CSC. She surely does now. She was afraid they had lost our file and I wasn't doing anything about it. It took a Congressional inquiry to soothe her fears.

Yes, waiting is very hard on a relationship. Please don't do anything suddenly!

[Zee Bee 61]

Only you know whether it is worth it to you to stop the petition now. After you have had some time to think it over, maybe you should re-evaluate. Sometimes an argument is just an argument. There is no reason to stop the petition if this was just a little spat. I think that there are a lot of people who have had arguments during the process. It does not mean that you should stop the petition though.

[Haonie 0]

......this is about loving someone and being with them for the rest of your life. Problems come and go, but love lasts.

Peter, yes you're right.

I was through all this problem, and I felt the pain. So, don't give it up.

"Love and to be loved" this is how I broke up with my previous fiance 2007.

[cao 0]

To all my friends,

I have to say thank you to all people giving such a good idea above. Let me explain situation (it might be in VN way): after talked to her Sat last week (2:00am in US, 4 pm in VN) mostly hours through yahoo messenger, first one was she disliked to file the K-1 since lots of scams in HCM now: 9 over 10 people get blue or green. She asked me why I dont file for K-3 (spouse) for more assurance? how can I file that way w/o marriage cert.? second was only 30 hours after the call, I receive her email complaining me that why I said to her :"T. yeu anh vi tien ca de dc wa my, you love me b'cause of money and come to US?. Imagine that you are sponsoring her and how dare you say that?. She suggest we need more time to re-think about our love w/o disturbing other by phone to her or her family. However, I did try several calls and skype messages asking for explain but no answers. My cousine, her friend, also try to call and IM her but still results. That's all for right now. I asked my parents, uncle (in VN), and my friends (in US and VN) for help while trying to make decision. All of people above said to me to stop the case while our self-esteem were very high, therefore, our love cannot be prolonged for the rest of our life.

That's I can say at the moment.

[PeterFB 0]

To all my friends,

I have to say thank you to all people giving such a good idea above. Let me explain situation (it might be in VN way): after talked to her Sat last week (2:00am in US, 4 pm in VN) mostly hours through yahoo messenger, first one was she disliked to file the K-1 since lots of scams in HCM now: 9 over 10 people get blue or green. She asked me why I dont file for K-3 (spouse) for more assurance? how can I file that way w/o marriage cert.? second was only 30 hours after the call, I receive her email complaining me that why I said to her :"T. yeu anh vi tien ca de dc wa my, you love me b'cause of money and come to US?. Imagine that you are sponsoring her and how dare you say that?. She suggest we need more time to re-think about our love w/o disturbing other by phone to her or her family. However, I did try several calls and skype messages asking for explain but no answers. My cousine, her friend, also try to call and IM her but still results. That's all for right now. I asked my parents, uncle (in VN), and my friends (in US and VN) for help while trying to make decision. All of people above said to me to stop the case while our self-esteem were very high, therefore, our love cannot be prolonged for the rest of our life.

That's I can say at the moment.

I can understand her frustration but I think the reason most get blue and green is because the I-129f that's submitted doesn't cover everything that should be covered when it's in your "ballpark". The I-129f is when you can explain your relationship and anything that may be a "red flag". The better written I-129f with enough supporting evidence gives the HCMC Consulate little to "dig" up on you and your fiance(e). The requirements for I-130 are almost the same for -129f. The Consulate doesn't consider being married any less fraud prone than being a fiance(e). There are many blue and green slips for I-130 too.

From what you wrote it sounds like she have been listening to many of the rumours that Vietnamese like to repeat. You're right to ask about her just wanting a ticket out of Vietnam and not loving you, it's exactly what the Consulate is thinking. If she can't or doesn't want to talk about it, then she will have problems with her interview and having a marriage. Thi and I have conversations about that too. Not because I supected that (my friends and family kept telling me that Thi just wanted a way out of Vietnam.) but because it was inportant to be able to talk about anything without having a fight (or at least one that when we cooled off, we realized we need to talk about those kinds of things.)

I don't agree that you should stop the process now, in a month the two of you could be back together and would have more paperwork to fill out and explaining to do because of stopping the process. You can stop the process at any time. You're still very early in the process if you submitted your I-129f 3 months ago. I understand how pride can damage relationships, she may also be very hurt because of what you said.

My advice is to wait a couple of months, see what happens, if then the relationship is nonfunctional, stop the process. You'll know more and have a clearly idea later on how to proceed.

Good luck no matter what you do.

Peter and Thi

I-129F Sent : 2007-05-26

I-129F NOA1 : 2007-06-11

I-129F RFE(s) :

RFE Reply(s) :

I-129F NOA2 : 2007-10-26

Touched: 2007-11-02

NVC Recieved: 2007-11-16

Consulate recieved ??????

Packet 3 sent 2007-12-11

Packet 3 received 2007-12-24

Packet 3 returned 2007-12-28

Packet 4 sent 2008-1-14

Email Reply with Interview Date 2008-1-23

Interview Date 2008-2-27

Passed Interview 2008-02-27

Visa Pick Up Date 2008-3-05

Received Visa 2008-2-29 (called to pick up earlier)

POE 2008-3-05 Los Angeles

Edited March 28, 2008 by PeterFB

[Melrose Plant 1]

Caothanh,

Maybe I don't understand about how your fiancee feels about your question about why she wants to come to the U.S. Let me share with you about my own experience. I asked the same question of my love a very long time ago, shortly after we met on the internet. I sent her 5 very long emails asking her very difficult questions about love and life. After I sent her those emails, she was very troubled by my questions because her English was not so good at that time, and she did not understand all things I was saying to her. And she told me later that she decided she would disappear. This was before we met in person. I will tell you very clearly, among other things, I asked her why she wanted to come to the U.S., did she only want a green card?

About 2 days later, I emailed her again and asked her if she was OK, did my questions make her very upset? I told her I was very sorry I must ask those questions, but it was very important to me to know her true answers to my questions. After that, she decided she would answer the best she could, and if I didn't understand her English, fate would decide things for us. God bless her, she answered all my questions very carefully. It must have taken her many hours to write those letters!

As things turned out, today we understand each other very well, because we were very patient with each other, and we really believe GOD gave us each other.

I am guessing anh nói chuyện với tình yêu của anh bằng tiéng Việt (you speak with your love in Vietnamese). So language is not a problem for the both of you. It is really then a question of trust. If you don't trust her, then I agree you should end the relationship, after careful consideration. But if she is only upset with you because you asked her difficult questions, I don't think you should be too hasty. This is very serious business. This is your life. This is both of your lives.

I hope I can help even a little bit with this decision. I know my situation is different. I had no ties to Vietnam before I met Mai Anh. If I can help, I will. Good luck.

[Melrose Plant 1]

Haha, Peter, I think we said essentially the same thing within 1 minute of each other. But your advice is much more level-headed than mine!

[CK&Tydi 0]

Thanh,

You have to listen to your heart not everybody else around you. Since you lived in OC, there are a lot of people disagreed about marry a girl back home and bring them here. As you also see alot of people failed on their marriage, when they brought their wife from Vietnam to the States. There are a lot of reason for these failure that you dont' see because you not in it. You only hear one side of the story. Alot of them lied to the girls about their jobs their finance situation. So when the girls got here and they found out. These guys were unemployed and sharing a room at some body house. Well for sure those women do want a better life but these people lie to them. Other case were, they put their wife in to those nail shops. So what happened at the nail shops, you do know better that there were a lot BS and gave bad influence to them.

Best suggestion is, take a look at your relationship. Do no tell too much lies, it will come back and bite you in the end. So be open in your relationship and work out the troubles. There are no guarantee there will be no bumps on the road. Be honest and let them know ahead. No surprises. Both people in Vietnam or in Bolsa's area they do spread rumors and bias on thing. Listen to your heart, and question your self "can you live with this person for the rest of your life? or you have a second thought" Think about it, if you are in her shoe, will you not be mad when she asks you that question? If you not too sure about it, then you can end your case early.

For my case, I always told my friends that i won't go back home and get married. In the end, i found the right girl and got marry. We are waiting for our lovely daughter to come in June.

Good luck on your case!

ck&tydi.

[David-Hien 11]

Dear Thanh,

I think that you should be carefull when you ask your fiance such question: "Why do you want to come to USA?". Let me explain why...

The life in Vietnam now is not so poor as before. Of course, there still are so many poor people there, but economy is in the developing way. The more businesses open, the more jobs come. The young people nowadays are not suffered the starving life of 30 years ago.

You should look at the high level of young people in HCMC. Who work in the foreigner company can have high salary, it may be more than 400usd/month. It's not easy to get that kind of job but not so difficult if they are fluently in English with a good degree and good skill. Some of my friends now can have the salary more than 1,000 usd /month. It's not rarely. With such high salary, they can have good life in VN.

I was the same. I had an apartment and a good job. My salary was not such high but not so bad. My life in VN was good. I have my family, I have money for daily living, I have an apartment to live. Every morning, I can have a hot breakfast with some steps away from my home. Weather is warm, I don't need to worry about the cold time and I can go the beach to relax any time I like.

The only one reason made me come to USA was my husband. I was wondering if he could come to VN to live with me??

I can see that he cannot get a good job in VN and it would make him stressful. That's why I decided to leave VN.

I was very frustrating for the visa process as it went so long. Sometimes, I was wondering if I was so much in starving life, that's why I had to go to beg people in US Consulate to come to USA for food??? or for better future?? It's such a frustrating situation.

Now I'm in USA, but no job and I have to set up everything one more time for my life without any family members here. It's not easy, I have to study to get a degree to look for a job, another 5 or 6 years. Is it wonderful life?? Sincerely say, if there is no love, I would never come to USA.

If your fiance is in high education and have good job in VN, you must be careful. She may have a better life in VN than in USA. So, why does she need to come to USA?? Coming to USA is only good for the teenagers, not for adult, not for rich people or who have good job, specially who is more than 40 yrs.

Edited March 29, 2008 by Hien

[gfarias 0]

I agreed with Hien and yes I had my husband asked me the same type of question, that was terrible hurt and hard to forget but as peter said: problem comes and goes, love last, I like that saying. We have to be able to work through if we really feel the bottom of each other hearts is love.

However, after my husband explained to me why he thought and said that, I understand that he had such terify of being 14 years older than me, of being so in love and may loosing for somebody rich and younger.

It took a while for me to heal my pride and showing him that there is no more one reason make me come to US is him, I even wish if he can consider to work in vietnam but I sacrify my good job, very good earn,...to go to US to start all over again like Hien said?

Now, my husband no longer ask those questions but start thinking that now I want to stay in Vietnam and no longer want to go to US with him of having such good job.

So, to Thanh, if your girl fall into the type of lady we mentioned then what you asked is really hurt her now and it hard for her to believe that you think about her like that, why she is insult from the man that she loves ( I'm trying to translate the situation and her mind), that why she needs abit of time to reconsider the relationship.

This is the opinion from a woman if you want to put all together to consider, you should right a full email, explain to her exactly why you think and said so, what you worry, what you concern. Man normally hide their emotion but if you look for a compromise, then open yourself out.

[Pierre 0]

Thanh,

I got the exact sentiment during the K1 journey and I suspect almost all members of VJ community feel the same way. It began with falling head over heel for each other after phone, email, chat from across the globe, then meeting face to face up until filling out the forms. Aside from chit chatting about love, we must fact reality and discuss the various ways of bringing her over to the States. I was new to this process and thanks God for VJ I knew about K1 and K3 choices. My then fiancee and her family also knew about the K1 and K3 options but only through neighbors and adamant about picking K3 mainly because like you have mentioned, it perceived to be safer. Her family also want me to marry her in VN, not in the USA and thus giving me the impression that they do not trust me. I chose K1 mainly because I did not want to deal with VN gov't and I knew that my case is legitimate backed with many evidence (learned from VJ). It did not take much to convince my fiancee because we trust each other but it took longer to convince her family. As a matter of fact I had to also fought with her family about NOT having a religious ceremony in VN before my fiancee leave VN.

As you can see, the journey is not a smooth ride when you are in it, you will experience may ups and down but only the LOVE and feeling between you and your fiancee can ride out the bumps. If you feel that you truly love her and she truly loves you, then don't act without first thinking about what has brought you two together and the chemistry that kept you two together thus far. Remind her of the constant barrage of mislead information and negative noise. Stand firm on what you feel best for both of you and once you finish the VISA journey, you will feel that the LOVE and experience b/w the two of you will guide you to the rest of the LIFE journey for both of you, together of course.

Good luck on your decision and happy journey.

Pierre.