Anyone got any jokes?

[mustang-sally 8]

I get a lot of jokes in my inbox as I'm sure many others do, thought I would start a joke thread to try and help with January blues, heres one to start -

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ####### in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"Are - my - Test - Results - Back?

[~Chad~ 0]

One of my favorites, an oldie but goodie:

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the old

airplanes that had the open #######-pits and asked a pilot how much a ride would

cost.

"$50 for 20 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and

your wife ride for 20 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free.

But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $50."

The farmer and his wife agreed and climbed in the back open #######-pit while the

pilot got in the front one and they went for a wild ride. After they landed,

they were slowing to a stop when the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to

congratulate you for not making a sound. You folks are brave."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my

wife fell out."

[mustang-sally 8]

Elephant Story

I don't usually like these "heartwarming" stories, but this one is well

worth passing on.....

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from

Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a

young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully. He

got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large

piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with

his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on

its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen,

thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant

trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his

teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the

creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen

were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front

foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several

times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this

was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way

into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back

in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's

legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Amby 490]

good jokes I especially enjoyed the wife falling out one

[~Chad~ 0]

:lol:

[mustang-sally 8]

On a trip to Great Britain, George W. Bush had a meeting with Queen

Elizabeth. "How," he asked her, "does one manage to run a country so

smoothly?"

"That's easy," the Queen replied. "You surround yourself with

intelligent ministers and advisers."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" Bush

inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that pressed a button

and asked her secretary to get Prime Minister Gordon Brown on the speaker

phone.

When that was arranged, the Queen said, "Mr. Prime Minister, I have a

riddle I'd like you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not

your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Brown replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen. "That's all I wished to ask."

When President Bush returned to Washington, he called in his chief

of staff Karl Rove. "I have a riddle for you," said the President, "and

the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your

sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Karl Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we

determine this answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on

this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the

answer."

So Karl Rove called a meeting of the White House Staff and asked

them to solve the riddle. Much discussion ensued and many suggestions were

made, but nobody had a satisfactory answer. Karl Rove was quite upset,

wondering how he would respond to the President.

As he was walking back to the Oval Office, he

happened to run into former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

"Mr. Secretary, "he said, "can you answer this riddle for me?

Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this

child?"

"That's easy," said Powell. "The child was me."

So Rove went on to the Oval Office and told President Bush, "I think

I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell."

"No, you idiot!" shouted George W. Bush. "The child was Gordon Brown!"

Edited January 6, 2008 by mustang-sally

[Amby 490]

[mustang-sally 8]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the

stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really

works!!

BREAKFAST

* 1 Grapefruit

* 1 slice whole-wheat toast

* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

* 1 cup herbal tea

* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

* The rest of the Penguins from the packet

* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER

* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)

* 2 loaves garlic bread

* 1 family size Supreme pizza

* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts"

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the

things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started

and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished

off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonnay , a botle of Baileys, a butle

of Kehuha, a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha 'mainder of botl Prozic and Valum

prscriptins, the res of the Chesescke, an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

*Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr Pece

=

[Kathryn41 3,205]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,

and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died,

he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and

put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the

afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when

he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there

in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the

ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,

the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the

casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money

in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied " I can't go back on my word. I promised him

that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and

wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[~Chad~ 0]

:lol: Good one Kat

[Nessa 23]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the

stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really

works!!

BREAKFAST

* 1 Grapefruit

* 1 slice whole-wheat toast

* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

* 1 cup herbal tea

* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA

* The rest of the Penguins from the packet

* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER

* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)

* 2 loaves garlic bread

* 1 family size Supreme pizza

* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts"

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the

things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started

and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished

off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonnay , a botle of Baileys, a butle

of Kehuha, a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha 'mainder of botl Prozic and Valum

prscriptins, the res of the Chesescke, an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

*Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr Pece

=

:lol: