Wife's family demanding money

[Amby 490]

I'm very sorry to hear about your problem. My husband's mom lives in England and expects us so send her money every month so she can sit around and get drunk and not work when we can barely afford to pay our own bills. We just keep telling her no and to get a job. I agree with others in this thread that your wife just needs to be able to tell her family no and they will stop asking eventually. GOOD LUCK!

[Ianne25 0]

Tell you what...

America is BROKE!! No mo money!!

Have you guys seen the $$$ plunging rapidly.. Its not that the Philippine Economy has gotten better..

Its because US is going down the drain.. Thanks to our great Leader Dubya!! Way to go sir!! Thank God its 2008..

We need a new leader like Ron Paul.. I think he's the only hope..

If the pace keeps going down.. Might rather migrate to the northern border..

You can blame Georgy B all day long, but we've been on this path since long before Bush came into office.

All the pinays that married kano for money are in for a big let down

And yeah, we're for Ron Paul too.

[Marine9000 0]

We all make some mistakes when it comes to dealing with our spouse's family and money. I did as well, but after talkign and working out a plan with my wife we reached a solution that we were both happy with and jsut had to get started on.

I apologize up front as this seemed to get a little disorganized an dI simply couldn't come up with the best solution to putting it into order.

Luckily my wife and I agree on the issue as a whole, but we had to talk and reach a middle ground. We both compromised on things, me "nothing", her "the moon." All seems to be working for now and most importantly WE are in agreement and comfortable with our decision. Another big thing that really helped was an early discussion that we had and our agreement that my wife told the family that I work for, earn and control the money. They can ask her, but I will make the final decision. It was more effective for us (I think) as we often travelled back to her home, small squatter barangay in Bataan quite a bit when we lived on Luzon. At that time I wouldn't even consider a request for help unless they came and talked to us in person (Fear Factor PI: Face the Kano). This has obviously changed since I am not there now, but the same basic rules and principles still apply.

This cut extended family requests considerably and made them almost all, no kidding, legitimate. For us this has so far been a few requests for help with medicine for various neices and nephews. These we handled relatively simply by having the doctor fax us a note with the situation and the prescription for us to have filled and given to them. We are fortunate that we are close to a Mercury drug in the PI and are able to quickly get the medicines. No money ever goes to the family, only the actual medicine, usaully delivered by my wife as most family is within an hour or so tops. We did send one via courier, but that was because the medicine was for a premature neice and had to come from Manila. The only other thing I recall was a request to help pay for a tutor for her younger brother in school, this we did, finding and hiring the tutor for him.

Immediate family has hit us with requests occasionally after we moved in together and eventually married. My wife worked and used that money to support her younger sister in school and her grandmother who the sister lived with. This didn't amount to a lot of money, probably only P3000 per month on average, but that was a life of luxury for them based on their needs. Unfortunately, lola had a stroke and passed away and shortly thereafter sister dropped out of school and ran off to live with her boyfriend. Occasionally her mom would ask for money for specific things, medical, presents for younger brother, etc. which she usually gave.

The way we handled it, as I didn't want her working and we lived together moving around various parts of the PI as I worked. I continued to support her sister and grandmother as I felt the education part was important, but we cut and managed the expenses as well. They get all their food from the local sari sari so we visited the owner and set up an "account" with them. They would basically log all the purchases in a notebook which we could review on our infrequent visits and we would just either send money to the sister to pay the bill each month or send money via cellphone (Smartmoney, I think, but am forgetting as haven't done it in a long time). Could they cheat us on this, yes, but the food and costs were in line with wat was expected. We gave her sister a small allowance and provided for her school and clothing needs, etc.

After everything changed (Lola died and sis dropped out) we stopped the money obviously. Mom and sis occassionally asked for money and we helped on occasion, maybe 1 of every 3 times, depending on what the request was for.

Finally we discussed how to help them and stop the continued requests for money at the same time. We suggested setting up some sort of business venture that they could do to try and make their own money. We provided both mom and sis with P5000 as seed money for a fish vendor and sari sari store in their respective neighborhoods with te understanding that this was a sink or swim proposition. We are still only about 5-6 months into and will see hwat comes as a result.

Mom has made a strong go of it and as such will get our help even if it should fail. Her big problem now (as most local vendors and stores find) is people wanting to buy on credit. Easy if you have the capital, not so easy when you are starting as she is. She did temporarily close her fish sales fo rth eholidays as she said everyone wanted credit now and she couldn't do it. Being the holidays jsut ended we haven't seen the results yet. I will probably help her if needed as she is making a go at it and not lookign for nothing but a handout.

Sister is a whole different story. Sari Sari store, WALA!!! Have had one request for money since the agreement which my wife simply replied to with what happened to the store. End of discussion from sister. We will see what happens and go from there. I think she got a little to accustomed to somethign for nothing and is now facing the reality of her new life, boyfriend and no school. I would probably help her if she tried to go back to school as I see that as a potential to let her help herself.

And that is where we are at now. I budget about 250 pesos a month of "gray" area money which she uses to send her sister and mom load occassionally, but other then that we are at a happy medium for the moment. Next change I am sure to come soon, but hey, that is life.

Is it perfect, no, does it work for now, Sure. I know it will change again at somepoint, but again WE are happy and in agreement. This is just our method and we are hapyp with it for now.

Neil

[Frank+Jocelyn 1]

My rule on financial assistance is that once the attitude of the receiver changes from gratitude to entitlement the money stops forever, no exceptions. I have used this rule with my own family here in the U.S. and it works quite well.

Edited January 6, 2008 by Frank+Jocelyn

[alexandra8886 0]

There should absolutely be a firm understanding of the expectations from both the boyfriend and girlfriend before the "Will you marry me?" even takes place. I mean really soul search and be honest about what your (your meaning anyone) willing to accept and do when it comes to the essentials like finances, religion, children, and family. However, this type of situation is not uncommon, but should be discussed beforehand in order to avoid any confusion and strain on the relationship and families.

http://annie-thejourney.com/?p=25

firm understanding in different aspects....

[redpim1 0]

I am in it for my sweetie and our son... I don't do the whole free loader thing... If a man does not work he doesn’t eat at my table... Enough said...

[*JG* 2]

I'm so sorry for you. Been there.....am there.....done that.

What I have learned through our ordeal is that you have to learn to say no, to not feel bad about it, to pick and choose your battles, and that when you do send some, it will only make they want more.

It's a very stressful thing to deal with.

[Sheriff Uling 3]

There should absolutely be a firm understanding of the expectations from both the boyfriend and girlfriend before the "Will you marry me?" even takes place. I mean really soul search and be honest about what your (your meaning anyone) willing to accept and do when it comes to the essentials like finances, religion, children, and family. However, this type of situation is not uncommon, but should be discussed beforehand in order to avoid any confusion and strain on the relationship and families.

http://annie-thejourney.com/?p=25

firm understanding in different aspects....

That is exactly what I mean. It may seem a tad "uncomfortable" and "over-the-top" but like most things in life, if you put in the work up front, it typically pays off in the end. So think of asking the hard questions and over communicating like the Visa process. It's long and agonizing, but in the end, your prize will be all the more worthwhile.

Cheers!!!

Sheriff Uling

p.s. - Keep in mind that nobody is perfect and not all situations are going to be perfect either. That concludes my two cents for today...

Edited January 7, 2008 by Sheriff Uling

[Joe's Wife 4ever 0]

Filipino families always misunderstand foreigners..They thought that they are rich since they're money cost a lot more when they are in the Philippines..And we Filipinas who married with them needs to explain to our family how tough life in the US and money is not easy..Thats just my 2 cents..

[k32005 0]

Wow, I'm sure glad I found this post, so that I can vent a little...

Well here goes...

When I met my wife, I knew her family just made enough to get by on their bills and daily expenses (Just like I did). Her dad worked, but her mom didn't work. After my wife arrived here in the US, she asked me if she can send some money to help out her family for that month. I said "ask them how much they need and help them out." She sent them money for that month. The following month, she sent some money again. This continued to be a monthly thing. Since I keep track of our finances, I later noticed that the amount she is sending has been increasing. I didn't say anything because for the most part, the money she sends increased after she started working. However, she was sending almost 100% of her paycheck.

My income barely pays for our house and our daily expenses. My only gripe is that the money that she is sending to her family could be used for savings. My idea of helping is to set aside some money for us first and then help those in need. As the saying goes "charity begins at home." However, my wife sends money first, and if we're short in cash for the month, then I have to work overtime.

Ever since we got married, my wife's family's living conditions have elevated so much. Her father does not work anymore, her neice now goes to school, and they just hang out everyday. Her family does not have any more financial worries. It is as if they won the lottery. Meanwhile, back here in the U.S., we are living paycheck to paycheck and working overtime to make ends meet.

We got into an argument one day because of money. I sold one of our cars because it was going to cost a lot of money to repair. I was gonna use the money to buy things we need for the house, and those things that we've been wanting to get the whole year, but couldn't afford to. I found out later that she has sent some of that cash to her family. I told her "didn't you already send money this month?" She replied, "I sent it for my neice because she called and she needs to attend a christmas party for school." We then got into a big argument.

Because of that argument, she is now very cautious (as far as amount) in sending money to her family, although she still sends money monthly. Unfortunately, my wife has quit her job, but still sends the same amount of money. We sure could use that money for a new car.

Edited March 6, 2008 by k32005

[joemaria 0]

When my husband asked my parent if he can marry me, right after they said yes they also make it clear that he's not obligated to help my family. But everytime my hubby has extra money he always send my mom in a form of gift, he spoils my mom so much though. He said money is aint nothing to him compare how much he is accepted by my family. There's always an exception in every rule...BTW talk to your wife coz in reality life here in US is not that easy.

[Mari_S 1]

My 2 cents on the matter...

Your family (meaning you and your wife) should be your 1st priority...i mean if you a centavo left in your pocket and say this is your last money...then here comes someone from your extended family asking for help from you...i say you keep the centavo for you and your wife instead of giving it to them diba? The point im driving at is that not all your money should be given to your extended family...its ok to help but you and your wife and your kids should be your 1st priority...im sure they'll understand if you tell them nicely that...you are also trying to build a family and practically a new life when you migrate to the US...and money there is earned...its not like picking it from a tree or something...

do i make sense? well, just ignore if i do not hehehe!

[jom 4]

Wow, I'm sure glad I found this post, so that I can vent a little...

Well here goes...

When I met my wife, I knew her family just made enough to get by on their bills and daily expenses (Just like I did). Her dad worked, but her mom didn't work. After my wife arrived here in the US, she asked me if she can send some money to help out her family for that month. I said "ask them how much they need and help them out." She sent them money for that month. The following month, she sent some money again. This continued to be a monthly thing. Since I keep track of our finances, I later noticed that the amount she is sending has been increasing. I didn't say anything because for the most part, the money she sends increased after she started working. However, she was sending almost 100% of her paycheck.

My income barely pays for our house and our daily expenses. My only gripe is that the money that she is sending to her family could be used for savings. My idea of helping is to set aside some money for us first and then help those in need. As the saying goes "charity begins at home." However, my wife sends money first, and if we're short in cash for the month, then I have to work overtime.

Ever since we got married, my wife's family's living conditions have elevated so much. Her father does not work anymore, her neice now goes to school, and they just hang out everyday. Her family does not have any more financial worries. It is as if they won the lottery. Meanwhile, back here in the U.S., we are living paycheck to paycheck and working overtime to make ends meet.

We got into an argument one day because of money. I sold one of our cars because it was going to cost a lot of money to repair. I was gonna use the money to buy things we need for the house, and those things that we've been wanting to get the whole year, but couldn't afford to. I found out later that she has sent some of that cash to her family. I told her "didn't you already send money this month?" She replied, "I sent it for my neice because she called and she needs to attend a christmas party for school." We then got into a big argument.

Because of that argument, she is now very cautious (as far as amount) in sending money to her family, although she still sends money monthly. Unfortunately, my wife has quit her job, but still sends the same amount of money. We sure could use that money for a new car.

I find your post very disturbing. Your wife should think of you first, your family, your needs. . before she sends anything to the Philippines, that, if there is any extra. I don't want to speak ill of her, but you should put a stop to it, especially now that she has quit working. With the hard times, expensive gasoline, you are right in saying something has to be saved for emergencies and the future.

When you married her, it didnt mean you married her family too in terms of supporting them financially, this only happens if you allow it to happen.

I am a Filipina too , not working at this time since Im still waiting for my EAD. I want to work because I was born to work and I love to work. When I arrived here, my nieces thought that I can send them anything they want, but I made perfectly clear that I will only send the toys they ask, when I am working and when all the housebills are being paid for and a portion of the money saved.This is the most important thing, make your wife and her family understand that you are not obligated to support them if money is tight. In the first place, the reason why she is here is because she wants to be with you and not earn more money to support her family back in the Philippines or make you support her family.

Talk to your wife and be firm about this issue.

Just my opinion.

Edited March 6, 2008 by jom

[garya505 2]

Anyone marrying someone from a poor family should make sure he/she knows the expectations of the spouse and family in advance. This goes for domestic marriages as well as international.

In the case of Filipinas, some families are just happy to see their daughter marry a guy from the US. It's somewhat of a status symbol for them. As my wife says, her family is "proud".

Filipino tradition is that the children help support the family, which of course is strange to us in the US, but that needs to be understood by the US spouse. Now, some of the women and families have expectations regarding money, and that's what you've got to watch out for. Some families will really pressure their daughter to send more money, which is very sad IMO.

[rjp44 1]

When I married my wife I didn't think I would have to support her entire family.

There's a woman in Cebu who's married to a kano who is feeding my wife's family a false view of USA. You know the view USA = The God Lord's heaven including the perly gates and streets of gold. This woman in Cebu also never been to the USA, and her kano husband doesn't reside in USA anymore either. Her husband is also a jerk. He feels he can talk down to Filipinos and make a handsome profit by paying them cheap labor. They just dont see how nasty he is. He treats his maids like no American would treat their maid. Its almost like legalized slavery.

Husband and wife are both telling my wife Americans make tons of cash and should be able to support the entire family back in Ph. I am student, a dad, and a husband. My job isn't the best now. Just enough to take care of me, my wife, and my kid's needs. Its not enough to support others. Even when my wife begins working I dont think it would be wise for her to send most of her check there back home.

Most of her family members there dont even work. They seem to be wanting a hand out while they enjoy their lives. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I married my wife. I refuse to support her entire family when they want to kick back and enjoy life while I am busting my chops all week. All of you marrying make sure you lay down all of this with your fiancee before you get married.

You should only send what you can afford, and I'm sure that as a student, that isn't much, I'm sure. My situation is different in that I can afford to help oiut, but I'm not financing a coule of siblings to sit on their butts. I'm going to be sending enough for utilities, but that's set up with a third party, so they don't toubh the money. It's up to them to work and be able to eat. I'm also helping a niece with college tuition as long as she has good grades.