Please, I need everyone’s help. My life has fallen apart, and I am so devastated, angry, hurt, etc. It’s a long story, but soooo much has happened, I have to explain so you understand why I think what I think, and whether or not I have a case, or any evidence.
I am a U.S. citizen, born and raised. I suspect that I may be a victim of immigration fraud, and I need to know what I can do about it. Or IF there is anything I can do about it.
Anyway… Here is what’s going on.
Seemingly after discovering that having a green card does NOT make finding a better job any easier than being on an F-1 visa with a work permit-- my immigrant husband suddenly started getting very distant with me. Being mean to me. Admitting that he NEVER loved me to begin with, and he only married me because he felt bad that my parents died and I had nobody…
He denied that later… And now he is back to telling me he wants me to leave again…
Then I find out he has been running around with another woman the entire time we have been together (denying any sexual activity with her, but I found pictures of them going everywhere together and being huggy-feely, and text messages in his phone). And he probably knew her before he even met me, it looks like…
Evidence I have:
- Photos of him and the other woman going around together, saved on my computer.
- Pictures of the Valentines Day cards the other woman gave him, calling him her “partner in love and life” and referring to them as “us”.
- The other woman's cell phone number.
- My long story below.
- My word that he admitted he never loved me—is it fraud if he never really loved me?
LONG STORY (for anyone interested in the details):
You are probably going to think that I am the most DUMBEST person on the planet for falling for this #######… And ok, maybe I am. I will just say it now, so nobody else will have to. Although I prefer to simply think of myself as “too trusting” and “having waaayyyyyyyyy too much faith in people”. While that’s not a bad thing, it can be dangerous, I guess.
I after living together for a while, I married my immigrant husband. Even from day 1 there were some problems, but I’ve always been the sort to try and work through problems instead of giving up. Maybe I take that wayyyy too far. But that is the fact. So here are the problems, and my reasons for suspecting that I am a victim of fraud:
Even from day 1, my husband didn’t like sleeping in bed with me. And would only do so once or twice a month, if I REALLY pushed him. He always slept on the couch. It really bothered me, but I loved him a lot. He told me he had a sleeping disorder, and someone breathing beside him, or moving in the bed will wake him up and he will never get any sleep.
He also didn’t want to have sex with me. I would say in the YEAR we have been together, he only had sex with me maybe 6 times… He claimed that he was “not a sexual person”. I thought perhaps he had some form of aphephobia (dislike of touching), or maybe he was asexual (doesn’t desire sex).
He had a lot of excuses. The sleep problem… Claiming to have been that way about sex, touching and physical closeness his ENTIRE life, and even with a super model, he would be the same.
I tolerated these things, even though it hurt me really bad to always sleep alone and have almost NO intimacy… I figured one day, we could find help for these problems, and find a way to have a happier marriage? So I just “hung in there”.
Well, I had recently lost my mother to a heart attack. Then before we married, my father also died of a heart attack (yes, I lost BOTH my parents in 6 months, and I’m only 32). I was alone in the world, I had nobody. And now, I was on the other side of the country, away from any home and friends I had ever known, because I came here to be with my current husband. He was the only person I knew on this entire half of the country.
Despite the big problems, it felt good to have at least ONE person in my life who loved me and cared… Or so I thought…
Well… About a month after we got married, I finally talked him into sleeping beside me in bed. He left his cell phone out in the living room on a charger… And the next morning, while he was asleep, I heard his cell phone ringing and ringing, obsessively! Probably like 10 calls in a row! Followed by about 10 or so text messages.
I had noticed this had been happening every day for about a week, too. Right around the time he was supposed to wake up for work. And I remembered, back when he and I were first doing, he used to ask ME to please call him non-stop until he woke up, to get to work on time. It was like a “take care of your man” bonding thing we did. And now it seemed someone else was doing it.
So I quietly crept out of bed while he was still asleep, and went into the living room. I picked up his phone. All those calls were from a woman. And the texts were from the same woman. They said things like,
“Hey… Wake up…. COME ON, you’re gonna be late!”
So I scrolled up and read the rest of them. They went back for MONTHS!! Some were from even before I had moved out here to be with him. They had obviously known each other a long time. I even saw things like:
HIM: “Hey! Get your butt home!”
HER: “Are you gonna be there?”
HIM: “I will pretty soon, but I’m at work right now.”
And he said that during a time that he was at home with ME. Sounds like he was living with her, right? So I started thinking he was leading a double life, or something.
She had also texted him pictures of herself laying in a hospital bed. Something about her ankle being hurt… I studied her face for a few minutes…. I didn’t know her. But I felt like I needed to know what she looked like.
When he woke up, I confronted him about it. He claimed he NEVER cheated on me. Never did anything wrong. But he WAS doing something I probably would not approve of. He said she was a sick young woman. Mentally ill. suicidal, anxiety disorders, etc. etc. He met her in college, and worked for her Dad for a while. She refused to go to her therapy appointments, unless HE drove her, because she was good friends with him and very comfortable with him. But wouldn’t go with anyone else. So her father was paying him to keep driving her to the counseling sessions. He was doing it for the money. And yeah, maybe she had a little crush on him. But whatever kept her getting in the car, and kept the money rolling in.
I asked why he was telling her to get "home", and why she was asking if he was "gonna be there", like they live together... He said He parks in front of her house, and he was telling her to get home so he could drive her t her appointment.
I asked if I could call her to confirm that they are only “friends” and he BEGGED me not too. Because again, she did have a small crush on him, and the tiniest things would set her off on her emotional “blackouts”. If she got jealous of me, or felt like she was causing marriage problems, she would stop going to the appointments, and his extra cash wouldn’t be coming in.
He is Muslim, and he SWORE by the name of Allah and he held the holy qu’ran and swore that he was speaking the truth.
Well, something smelled like a big fat rat… But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt…
However, I told him,
“Listen, IF what you are saying is true… Well it is still wrong. If this girl has a crush on you, I don’t think you should be encouraging her. Because if she is as unstable as you say, then she is going to completely FLIP OUT when she starts asking for more than rides of you, and you reject her. Plus its not good to take advantage of a girl’s sickness, for money. You’re gonna have to find another solution to this. You should NOT be driving her around, or spending any time with her."
He promised me that he would ask her father to find someone else to drive her. And later, told me that he was not driving her anymore at all.
Well, some time went by and we were getting along again. He hired an immigration attorney to start filing his adjustment of status to green card. We filed, went through the interview, and he was approved. He got his green card.
Just so you know…. All along, he wouldn’t let me talk to his family AT ALL… He claimed he told his parents and sisters about me, but they didn’t speak English, so I wouldn’t be able to talk to them. He also claimed that ONLY his parents and sisters could know about us. Not his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Because his grandfather was very traditional, and some of his family were too. And they wouldn’t like him being with an American.
So that was why he couldn’t put “married” as his facebook status, and why I could not be on his friend’s list. Again, I was VERY offended…
He NEVER let me meet any of his local friends either. He claimed because it caused too much drama to have all your friend’s noses in your relationship business. He didn’t like anybody knowing his private business, because he had always been a very private person. He didn’t like gossip, meddling, or giving people the opportunity to expose him or his wife to any of that.
He also put a pass code on his cell phone, so I couldn’t look in it anymore. I asked him why, and he claimed because although he is not doing anything wrong, he has always HATED people snooping in his private belongings. He said his mother always did that back home, and he couldn’t stand it. So he had major issues with it.
Well, by now, I was getting very suspicious… So I started snooping around on his social network pages and such. I started thinking… Is he already married back in his home country? Does he have another woman his friends all know about, so he doesn’t want them meeting me? Is he just after me for a green card, and doesn’t want me knowing his family because he has no honest intentions?
I would ask him about all this, and he would deny, deny, deny. Tell me I was paranoyed. Making things up. Crazy, etc.
Occasionally, I would find boxes of condoms in his car, or in his stuff. He would claim they were there from the guy he bought the car from (he has switched cars like 4 times, selling the old one and getting another). Or his buddy left them behind in his car. Or his boss at the gas station he works in sent him to buy a box at Walmart when they ran out, and sell them individually for a buck a piece until they got more inventory (which his boss actually did make him do that sometimes for things like milk, cheese, eggs, etc). But condoms??
He started disappearing at odd hours. Not answering my calls or texts. Shutting me out. Not speaking to me. Criticizing every tiny thing I did. Insulting me. Basically being verbally and mentally abusive.
All this only about a MONTH after getting his green card.
Well, about 2 weeks ago, we had a big fight, because he fell asleep on the couch with a bag of stuff he bought at Rite Aid laying on the coffee table. There was a big box of condoms in there. I accused him of cheating, and he claimed that they were for the gas station, his boss made him buy them.
He said, “Why would I bring them around you, if I was cheating?”
I said, “Maybe you meant to hide them before I got up, but you fell asleep and forgot”.
When he dropped me off at work, I told him,
“You know, even a decent cheater keeps it a secret, for god’s sake!”
And I slammed the door, and walked into work.
He sent me a text saying, “You broke my door! You’re gonna pay for it!”
That night, he came to pick me up from work. He parked outside our apartment complex and told me,
“You better think about either going back to your home state, or finding your own place to live. Because I am leaving the U.S. I’m sick of this country. All I do is work and pay bills. I am BURIED in bills, and my job doesn’t pay enough to pay them all off. I have no life. I’m going crazy here. I wanna go home.”
“What am I supposed to do? My parents died, you are my only family. You are the only person I know in this entire half of the country! You’re all I’ve got. What about us? You spent thousands of dollars of your hard earned money to get an apartment for us and buy all the furniture. Then you paid an immigration lawyer $5,000 to file everything for you. You have been working your ### off for 3 years in this country, and all your money went for this home and the lawyer. Your Dad sent you here with $20,000 for school and you used it all up. So you’re just going to waste it all and walk away?”
He said, “I told you, I can’t stand living here anymore. And I can’t stand all the fights with you.”
I said, “Well… Do you love me? Did you EVER love me at all?”
He starred out his window, smoking a cigarette and said, “No.”
Trying not to panick, I said, “If you didn’t love me, then why did you marry me?”
He said, “Because you came all the way out here to see me. I already bought the apartment and all the furniture. Then while you were here, your Dad suddenly died. And you had no home to go back to. And I didn’t know what to do.”
I sat there, starring at him, with my jaw dropped open.
He said, “I’m just telling you the truth.”
I said, “You know, before you got this green card, you were willing to spend your whole life with me. But you were pushing for that green card, and saying you needed to get a better job, and that would help. You didn’t start acting weird like this, until you got the green card and discovered that it was no easier to get a better job WITH a green card, than it was on a F-1 visa with a work permit…. Just all of a sudden, when you apply for all these jobs, and you still can’t get something better even with a green card… Now you suddenly want nothing to do with me anymore.”
I got out of the car and went in the house. He left for work.
The next day, I was on my lunch at work, texting him about what he said the night before. Now he was denying it all. Saying that he was just upset. But that's not something you just let go of, because when he said it, he sounded to emotionless, like he was speaking the truth.
Anyway, he changed cars YET AGAIN, buying a new one and selling the old one. He brought all his stuff from the old car in the house- his jacket, a box he kept in the trunk with all his college stuff in it, all the stuff from his glove box, etc. And put it in his closet until he could transfer it all to his new car. Then he left for work.
While he was gone… I went in the closet and looked in the bags and boxes he brought in. Lighters, cigarettes, books, papers, typical glove box #######, etc…..
But among the glove box stuff, I found a small USB storage drive. I plugged it into my laptop and looked through it. There were some videos of him playing the piano at the college, while another person held his phone / camera for him. Some documents with seemingly insignificant info.
Then I found a folder with MY name on it. So I opened it. There were about 35 photos of me and him, all ones that I remember taking.
But there were about 8 photos of him and that same girl I caught him texting back in the beginning of our marriage, 6 months before! I recognized her face from the hospital pictures she texted him.
Some pictures with her and him together in a local casino… Someone else was holding the camera, so he was obviously introducing HER to his friends!!! She was sitting on his lap. His arm was around her waist. Her arm was over his shoulder. She was leaning on him. In one picture, she was grabbing his face, trying to kiss him.
In the other pictures, she was riding around in his car. One picture he took with his phone, while she leaned up against him with her head on his shoulder.
A few more pictures of them together “down by the river”… That was OUR special spot he always took me to. A beautiful place under a brindge, on a river bank, with beg, shady trees everywhere… Only he was with HER. In one picture he was grabbing her face and squeezing her cheeks. In another, they were standing by the river, he had his arm around her waist. She was pressed up against his body, with her head on his shoulder and her hands clung to his chest…
I went back in the closet and looked through the bag he brought in. Lots of papers. A pair of work boots, and a valentines day gift bag, with 2 valentines day cards in it. Both cards were from the woman in the pictures… Signed XOXO with her name and dated the Valentines day that he and I had our first fight about her.
At first, I thought maybe they and the photos were old, from our first fight…. But I checked the “date taken” on the photo files, and it said they were taken THIS May and June!! So he had NOT stopped seeing her!
I confronted him yet again, and he completely exploded! He told me to find my own place as soon as possible. He acted like my snooping through his stuff was a FAR greater crime that the idea of cheating… And what I did was much worse that anything I was confronting him for.
Now, he says he will “be reasonable” and “let me stay here” until I find my own place. But he still wants me to go.
He is gone all the time. He only comes home to shower and change clothes. The rest of the time, he is either working, or god knows where! Probably with her…. I am sitting here alone, going MAD. He does not answer calls or texts. When he does stop by here to shower and change, he moves quickly and does not speak ONE single word to me…. If I try to talk to him, he dismisses me.
I don’t have anywhere else to go. And even if I do find another place (I have a VERY low income with my job), I feel completely betrayed. Like I was used. I came out here solely FOR HIM. This was the life I set up with him. The life I thought we were going to have. And I think that if he did use me, thinking he would get better jobs with a green card and he could sleep around all h wanted-- and then he decide that I was useless-- He needs to answer for it!
He still won’t even admit that he did anything sexual with this woman. He says he doesn’t love her. All he did was hang out with her and drive her around. I feel like if he really wants to get rid of me, then what is the point in denying infidelity? Wouldn’t telling me he cheated make me not want to be with him even more? Nothing makes any sense, and I really do feel used….