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Now Ya'll know I was not going to let this one get away without adding my two cents in. Well, more like 15.00 dollars worth. The bottom line is, God is involved in the whole process already!!!! He gives us the minds and the good sense to discern things for ourselves. He gives us a heart to love and the free choice to choose, but truth be told we as women lead with our hearts. Yeah it goes good and they say all the right things and because of that we convince ourselves that hmmmmm, I think I might found a good one. Then we move on to the test stage where we want to know if he's a cheater, does he like kids, does he love God, and so forth and so on. When we hear the answers we want to hear we start to let down our guard. At that point we base off what we hear, what we saw for the brief moments we spent with our men and we decide yes, he's the one. Not that "he's the one I want to go further with so I got to really get to know him", but "oh he told me this, and I saw that and his friends and family said he was this." So now we have validation that he's a good man. But where we go wrong ladies is that we let that love bug take our A$$e$ OUT!! We stop being the reasonable intelligent women that we are, and we say, "It's going to be all good when he gets home!" But the truth of the matter is we didn't take the time to REALLY get to know them. HOW CAN WE??!!!!!! My therapist, and yes I needed some serious therapy behind my experince not just after the collision but before to help me to really understand and deal with our differences. Believe me had I not, I would be fighting Big Jane for my time to post this to you on the computer from prison because I would have gone straight GHETTO, TERMINATOR, BEOCH on his A$$. So moving right along. He said to me very quietly, Sonya did you really get to know Michael before you married him? Did you know and see his work ethic, did you see how he managed his money, did you see how he dealt or did he talk about his past relationships. Do you know where the boy went to kindergarten? Like a complete dummy answering honestly, I had to say no to all the above. I am not talking about what he told me and what I saw the little time I was in my EX spouses country with him, but on a long term bases that I could say that this man may have some issues but I know he is this. Couldn't do it. The time I was there I didn't want to spend that time arguing and trying to get to know his demons, 'cause we know we all got a dark side to us. so if we had a disagreement we didn't resolve it 'cause I had to get to the DING DING so I could be filled up while we waited for the visa to be approved. Am I strikin' a nerve yet? It ain't no steretype that they they are uh hum..... GIFTED in that department, and I know ya'll feel me! You do not have to live with a person to find out what and who they are made of, but getting to know someone takes time PERIOD!!!!!!! And THAT is where we go wrong. So saying its all his fault not true. We help to create our situations by not truly trusting in God. I mean that we want that good married life so bad that we step in and help things along instead of truly letting it be in God's time. Hate me or love, here or abroad, we have to let our men be men in all seasons and quit feeling guilty for expecting them to be the men of God they claim to be, because God's standard calls them higher than what we as mortal women want so no need to feel guilty, That is if your foundation is based in the bible. If your faith is something else I cannot speak to that. You know what works for you.

Now if you know the people that you are marrying or intending to marry, then everything else will be water under the bridge because if you have taken the time to know the person good and bad then at that point you make your decision on if this is your ever after. If it is not, walk away, and if it is then you got some work ahead of you 'cause no one is perfect, but you got what you want. Now if you jump into something and you find out later it wasn't what you subscribed to, then you got what you wanted because you thought you knew everything there is to know. If you are a commited person then you try to see it through til there is nothing left to even hope for, but if you are a quiter you just leave it, you move on to the next situation without having dealt with the first. A sure recipe to repeat the mistake.

When we fall in love and for a while we see no wrong in our loves. Even their POOP smells like roses and we love them. But you need more than love and a good feeling, 'cause when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the light is out and you sit on the toilet and that seat is up, AND he done pee'd on it, you AIN't gonna be loving his A$$ right then and there. That's when that foundation comes in, you remember that this man stayed up with you all night when you were cramping and rubbed your back. He cuts the grass and takes out the trash without you telling him.... thats when sitting in cold pee is not so bad. I don't want to discourage the new wives and fiancees just be strong and handle your business. At this point you can't comprehend anything but your love for your spouse,and for the most part that is good, because love brought you here in the first place, and those of us who have experienced an unhappy outcome cannot expect you to see what we see because you have not traveled that road ,and I pray that none of you have to, and if you trust God and the smarts that He gave you you will not. Its ok from time to time to get your head out of the clouds and just take a look around earth for a minute. Even moreso if you have children because if you make a mistake they will suffer too. I love children and hate to see them hurt! So take care of them!

Now to address one more issue and I will let you tear my post apart. Don't be naive in thinking that international relationships are no different than American one because they ARE!!! Yes men will be men no matter what, but there are way more cicumstances that come with pursuing one. Now, from what I can gather from the posts that I have read, the MAJORITY of the women here are intelligent and savvy, and if you would not allow and american man to lay up on you while you go to work and he has the ability to work, and if you require him to be a man and support your (in this day and age both have to work) family then why would it be ok for a foreign spouse to do that? Yes we have no choice in the beginning, but there should be no excuses when he can. So financially we are not going to put up the finances for a man already here like we do for our foreign SO. So yes there is a difference.

Lastly I leave you with this, when your man comes home and you find yourself asking, "What the HELL did customs do with my husband they replaced him with an imposter?" And you ask that question often because it feels like you are living with a stranger in your home, then NO, my sister you, did NOT get to know that man like you think. Things that you saw in him and he told you should not be a night and day difference when he is here. People just don't get BI POLAR Disorder, no offense if you struggle with that. All I say is Know him NOW or suffer later and suffer you will. Not saying you won't succeed, but the odds are not in our favor in any relationship foreign or domestic. But anything worth having is worth the work, just make sure you know what you can and cannot invest emotionally and financially. God first, your spouse second, and yourself last. AND GET TO KNOW HIM ON ALLL LEVELS!!!! That's ALL FOLKS!!!!

I disagree with most that you said. Some women may lead with their hearts, but let's not assume that we all do. For the simple reason, people from other countries think it is just royalty here. When they get here and see how people treat and half respect each other, they fall into the same game, not all but some. Seem to think, this is what America is about. No I wouldn't put up with and American or Foreign mans nonsense, that is probably why the issues arise in my marriage.

But let's be real, you really don't know a person, until you live with them and see everything 24/7. There are a lot of generalizations made, and I feel each situation is different. I know of others who may be having an hard time, but I wouldn't say they jumped into it too quick or didn't get to know the spouse.

I do believe the pressures of the visa journey puts a strain on the relationship, and then trying to really get know them, plus when you are together daily, it is a whole new avenue. Most who are doing the visa journey may and may not be able to go and visit on a regular basis before the process is approved, so for whatever the reason things fall apart. But in my eyes, that is more so when GOD should be invited in, to lead and guide in the relationship.

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?

2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?

3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

I will patiently wait to hear what you have to say. And your right about praying for their souls. Thanks for the reminder.

congratulations!!!

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

porn movies (this don't bother me but my spouse don't really likes it ) thanks for sharing your experienced here.

Porn shouldn't be a part of a Christian marriage!!! If that is what you like that is your choice, but not in our household.

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

I don't believe that culture has anything to do with it. It is definitely a individual thing. You know how children are (not trying to compare a man/woman to a child), when your parents/family is not watching, you do whatever. My hubby definitely doing things that his siblings don't know him for, it is funny to me. Because he won't admit to anything and I'm sitting observing and watching.

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Your absolutely right it could be an American that I could have married and have the same issues. But I guess my struggle is that you appear to be living how GOD (it's our higher being) would allow with some compromising exceptions. Even if they married someone from home do you really think the woman would put up with these types of issues? When you run into the lying, your looking at trust issues and that is a major in a relationship. How about when you attempt to forgive and hope to forget to build on your marriage and the same type of situations and more continue to happen.

Some would say enough is enough, but you have to ask the question, have I done all that I can do concerning my marriage, and that may even include standing still and letting GOD do his work. This is a hard road, because it is much easier to walk away. But when you came into with your heart all open and revealing to SO, and you expected the same.............

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

My prayers are with you during this time.

Congrats!!!!

Congrats!!!

Congrats!!!

Seem like I read in a previous post, the best way to ship there is through DHL. I'm getting ready to ship a package as well and plan to try DHL.

Congrats sounds like your SO had a smooth interview!!!

Congrats!!!!

delayed but not denied and that is the best part. Congrats on his arrival.

Congrats!!!

I am so mad. I got online today to check my bank account. I do this every week or two weeks. Lo and behold if my account has not been accessed and over $400 used. You talking about somebody pissed off. I call one of the companies (it's a phone card). The guy tells me all my info., but thankfully the fraud dept. recognized it and refunded $225 back into my account. So, I'm asking questions about figuring out who did it. He said that it came out of Nigeria. That upset me even more because here my baby lives over there and he is a good person and I simply love it there. I feel like Nigeria is my second home. So, it was like a slap in my face. Needless to say, my fiance was so upset! He just kept saying go to the bank and change all your info. baby, right now. So off to the bank I went for some . Thank goodness, they helped a sister out. The other calling card company was out of India and of course they have no fraud dept. or supervisor for me to talk to. I was like what ! Anyway, like I stated the bank is fixing everything and redoing my accounts, but dang this is why we have a hard time getting our love ones to the US. A few are making it bad for the rest.

Sorry this happen to you, it's not just Nigerians doing it, I had it happen about a couple of years ago and it was someone working at a local store that kept record of my card and was creating new gift cards, spending like crazy.

Congrats!!!

Congrats!!!

Congrats!!!

I didn't have to deal with the Lagos embassy, but I would suggest you take a deep breath and reapply your patience hat.

I'm not in Dallas either, but I'm in the Austin area..... A good warm Texas HOWDY!!

Congrats

Sorry to hear this, but I hope all works out for you. Sorry I have no advice for you, but will pray for you and the situation, that all works out.

First of all sorry you are going through this, but I suggest that you follow through with your annulment if she signs or not. Let the courts make the decision. Good luck