blah0323

A site I order from and love is

Dupsies

Sounds interesting. I need to look this up. I will take all the help I can get.

Thanks for sharing

Good Luck, I hope your love ones are able to join you soon.

Sorry to hear this happen to you. I guess in a sense it is good she went back and didn't do this mess here.

Thank GOD for family and friends who will stand in during the need for prayer. This lady is GOD sent, Glory be unto GOD for all that HE as done and will do in your marriage.

Here is what I know: my fiance has said that he does not mind doing domestic chores as long as I don't go telling his friends about it

A very diplomatic angle

Isn't that men in general? You know they have to uphold that macho image!!!!!!

Oh yeah you know it ! Maybe we can use that as a future bribe.....mop that floor or I will call the guys at the office and tell them you dusted the furniture

with the pink feather duster while you were wearing your apron and I have the picture to prove it..............just being a meanie and don't even care if he does housework, well ok maybe once in a while. Repairs , maintenance and yard work would be great if he would do that.....I despise that.

Pssssstttttt (come closer and swear you won't tell....)

My husband wore 2 inch white platform sandals in a radio contest race against 49 other men in the rain to try and win our daughter front row Hannah Montana tickets & back stage passes. And I DO have pictures already in the scrapbook. He made me swear to never mention it or show the pictures to any friends or family back in Jamaica.

Thanks for reminding me I have blackmail materials!

That was so thoughtful of him, but I just can't imagine men in heals trying to run.....

my hubby is yoruba.

In terms of your comments regarding Family and Friends. I agree with you again. During the initial part of our courtship, I would be willing to say that my husband probably knew more about my family and its background than he did about me. That was a major area of 'intrest' during the beginning. His sister and my 1st cousin played a big role in us meeting each other. And even during my conversations with them (by the way, my 1st cousin is a USC who met her Cameroonian husband in grad school) most of the initial conversations were about his family. It's funny that you should stress the family as such an important part in the dating role. Because I can recall various times having the thought of 'who are you dating? me or my family', and the same thought applied during the times I was receiving detailed briefings about his family. The role of the family is very important in his culture. This reminds us of - get to know the family! As for his friends, they too would call both me and my family during our courtship. My sisters started to look forward to the phone calls they would receive from my husbands friends. And guess what - taking into account some of what I've read here on VJ, it was not to ask for money or a 'hook up' with my sisters or anyone else. They sincerely wanted to get to know us, and we get to know them.

I still don't quite get the family relationship. I don't fully understand it. Bassi's family had to approve of me, though I think they trust him and his ability to make a good choice. They were aware of me when we were friends, but when we became more than friends, the situation changed a bit. I felt "investigated". I remember telling my friends that I felt like I was on the hot seat all of a sudden. I also find that it's almost like I offend his extended family if I don't include them. Meaning calling or writing, basically keeping in contact. Now, I'm west indian and family is important, but I find them to be a bit stifling. So I keep them at a distance. I speak to my parents on a daily basis, everyone else that I consider extended family I talk to on major holidays or when there is a major life event like childbirth, marriage, college graduation, you know what I mean. Bassi's cousins call me weekly. I feel like it's all of them. And I'm running out of things to talk about. They want to know how I am, how is the baby, how is work. Well, the same, we're fine. I'm adjusting and it has been a big change for me. The closest of my family lives about 200 miles away. Bassi is already telling me he doesn't like that and he wants to move "his" family closer. [sigh] I like the distance. I have a huge bridge to cross with this. With learning what this means and how to incorporate it into my life without personal discomfort. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I just like the distance. It give me control. Otherwise, they'd be at my house whenever they want to, eating my food and making lots of noise. God Bless 'em, my family is an acquired taste.

It's funny you mention the calls from the cousin, the way they occur, the same questions. So a question, does that make you feel like they don't want to know anything else about you, or share other things about themselves or the family.

Because I could send you weekly email and let you know we are still okay, instead of you spending your money....lol Just a thought!

This is a very interesting thread, I must confess! I have never posted any write-ups on VJ since this account is my fiance's though I have unrestricted access on it. In fact I read all the post here more than she do simply because I'm privileged to have an internet access in my home which is not a norm in many homes here in Nigeria.

I came across this thread yesterday and I'd wanted to post some lines immediately after I read BESANGIN's posts but i needed to inform my fiance so she won't think someone has got access to her VJ account. Anyways, I'd like to direct my post to foreigners(non Nigerian) who found their Nigerian husband/fiance(e) online. First, you must understand that getting to love someone via the internet is not the bane to successful marriage but there are pivotal factors you must consider before making plans to get married to such person especially if your new found love is a Nigerian. The combination of these factors and many more you will research yourself by constant observations and communication with your husband/fiance(e) will help you make a decision on what to do if you find yourself in such situation.

1. MATURATIONAL LEVEL/READINESS OF YOUR HUSBAND/FIANCE(E): Many Nigerian guys are neither ready nor matured to get married. They propose to women online purely for the quest of leaving Nigeria to a place they call "land of opportunity". It will shock you to know that some Nigerians spend huge resources including their time to search for ladies online as their prey. This prey are popularly know as "mugu" or "maga". Majority of these ladies have some things in common: fat, over aged, divorced or widow(F.O.D.W). The believe is that ladies with such commonality are gullible. Don't get me wrong, your fiance/husband might have genuine intention about your relationship but i believe the motive behind him marrying you and also you saying yes to his proposal should be established. Furthermore, you are required to task the readiness of your man getting married to you and not necessarily getting married for the purpose of acquiring a Green card. Also the maturational level of your fiance(e)/husband to handle marital issues should be determined even before marriage. Here, chronological(actual) age does not measure marital maturational level. What you need to consider is your fiance(e)/husband's mental age, patience,perseverance and sensitivity.

2. FAMILY: Another factor you must consider is the family of your fiance(e)/husband. I know in western countries like the US this is not an important consideration but in Africa, it's as important as the survival and longevity of your marriage. This includes the impression that your fiance(e)/husband's parents/siblings has about you particularly because of your race and trace. You must know that some families in Nigeria are very cooperative with their sons. They can put on the garment of pretense and shower you with love and warm hospitality believing it is a necessary key for you to put in the application to bring their son to the "Land of Opportunity".

Many parents in Nigeria are against inter-tribal marriages among their children how much more marrying a foreigner. You must understand that family acceptance is not the only key to a successful marriage. However, in some cases such acceptance could be faked. So you need to find out if your fiancee/husband's family are against inter-tribal marriages in Nigeria and then use such information to develop some alert in your case.

3. FRIENDS: You must try to know your fiance(e)/husband's friends both male and female including information about his ex-girl friend since he will tell you that he has no current girl friend. Ask questions about his past relationships and how it ended. Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. Note every stories and information he tells you about his friends (male/female) and then put him on a "hot seat" after some months by developing some investigative questions from such stories/information.

Discovering how real your man is takes a lot of hard work, dedicated time and research but in the end it pays.

4. FUN: You must also consider how much fun you derive from talking to him or being around him. This is a very important issue to consider because many people equate FUN with SEX. By fun, I mean the sensitivity of your man and not his sexuality. How sensitive is your man to any issues related to you? What do you guys talk about on the phone and how much fun and excitement do you derive talking to him? This are questions you need to ask yourself because when everything including sex fails, of course the fun you guys derive won't fail. I'm not saying sex is not an important issue in marriage but sometimes you need to judge your relationship with your fiance(e)/husband without considering the sexual satisfaction you derive and analyze the result to determine what you love about him.

I hope this post would be found useful and I stand to be corrected if you disagree with all or any part to the write-up. Thanks!!!

Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it will help someone.

OOOOOOOOOOOO. Ya'll so NOSEY!!!!!! I guess there was a little something I didn't mention. There was a very brief and I mean minute man brief a time that we had considered working things out. Well he couldn't resist the meow and one thing lead to another and BOOM!!!!! He of course thinks I just got fatter and I will let him think that until he puts 2+2 together. Ya'll are too smart for me!!!!!! So I guess you really gon' buy the book now HUH?!!!

You make me s-i-c-k !!!!!!!!!! How could we be nosey when you put it out there?!?!? I can't believe you hid such a blessing all this time! Anyway .... "Ms. There was a little something I didn't mention" .... CONGRATULATIONS!

Are you expecting a boy or girl?

Ok my pics are to big to post. If you want to see my nursery photos send me your email address and I will send them via Kodak gallery.

A Girl!!!!

Congratulations!!! I saw you mentiona nursery on another post (or maybe it was this one), but I didn't say anything, because I didn't know if it was set from a previous or anticipation.......

Stephen & I still pop into the forum once in awhile to see what's going on in here. We are enjoying our two year break from USCIS but that will end in April when we apply for conditions to be lifted. We are doing really well and are enjoying our lives together. We welcomed our first little one in November. Our little boy is so precious and has brought so much joy into our lives. Hope everyone else is doing well.

--Molly & Stephen

Precious lil baby!! Congratulations!

So what is your specialty?

I grew up with friends from all over the world so I can cook Indian, Arab, American, South African, Mexican, Italian and Ghanaian food. My absolute fave is Ghanaian food though My sister just came to visit me this past weekend and I cooked up a storm so she took some food back home with her (she does not like to cook ).

Sounds like you got mad skills like the Iron Chefs, Girl!!!! You can send your recipes my way too. I made a seven up cake yesterday that is like... WHOA!!!! Peach cobbler like WHOA, now I'm in trouble because they won't stop calling my name while I'm trying to watch the new TV!!!!! The sacrifices one must make!!! Wait a minute, I'm commin'!!!!!

hi everybody,

well this is sweetee. i've been a member since 2004. haven't been here much lately, cos i've been real busy and don't have much time for vj anymore. but anyway, i still come and read the forums whenever i get some time. im still married to my nigerian hubby, he still getting on my nerve & vice versa, but we hanging in there. however, his job has relocated him to texas, since july and im still here in LA. we doing the back and forth visit things every other weekend. i'll be joining him at the end of the spring semester of school this may. i wanted to finish up my semester and also my daughter will be graduating from high school in may and she wanted to complete her high school years here with her best friends. besides, she also got like over 20 scholarship offers for basketball and she has finally signed her letter of intent. i also have a new grand baby...she is so beautiful...her name is Imari Nkechi, born Dec. 2, 2007. yeah, we decided to give a nigerian name as middle name. that is actually my favorite nijai name. all is well here. supposed to be visiting naija over the summer but our plans are still up in the air. filing N400 in March.

where are the old vj'ers? i hope all is well with everyone!!! Best o luck to all the new people going thru your visa journey!

SWEETEE

Glad to hear from you and that all is well. Wow, you have alot of exciting news, a grandbaby and a young lady who will graduate and run off to college!!! That is awesome. Come on down to Texas for good, btw what parts are you coming to. Would love to meet you.

I have a sugar & carb hang over today. I lack energy, motivation and I am a grouchy bear. I am paying for my sins today.

The Blessing of being with family and the best food.

brisket

sausage

ribs

chili beans

cornbread

potato salad

peach cobbler

banana pudding.....yummy

sweet potatoes

pineapple cake

5 flavor pound cake

LORD I sinned by eating too much food.

I was "thinking" about going to the gym today and instead I went after Christmas shopping..........your not alone for sure.

The Blessing of being with family and the best food.

brisket

sausage

ribs

chili beans

cornbread

potato salad

peach cobbler

banana pudding.....yummy

sweet potatoes

pineapple cake

5 flavor pound cake

LORD I sinned by eating too much food.

Dang Blah!!!! Glad I was not the only one who stuffed themselves to the point of a food orgasm!!!!!!! I will be having quite an intimate and kinky relationship with the toilet all day today!!!!!!! OOOOO, but it sure was worth it!!!! Sonya.

Isn't funny how you have to try it all. And LORD knows not to go house hopping and everyone offering food...........

The ultimate is if you honor your first marriage, which is to GOD, then he will take care of the rest. So the faith in GOD alone, will see you through. But if both are not on one accord, you could be working against the grain.

The Blessing of being with family and the best food.

brisket

sausage

ribs

chili beans

cornbread

potato salad

peach cobbler

banana pudding.....yummy

sweet potatoes

pineapple cake

5 flavor pound cake

LORD I sinned by eating too much food.

So what is your specialty?

I cook american food, west indian food and spanish food. I love spanish food so I cook that the most. I'll probably cook more west indian food when Bassi is here cause it's close to african food in terms of ingredients and heat. But the reality is I'll be cooking more cause I'll cook for him and my daughter separately. Bassi loves spicy food. I had some fufu and lamb stew and thought I was dying. Tears running down my face, choking and coughing, I couldn't breathe. Lordy! That food was tooooo spicy for me. Reminds me of my mother's jerk....he's gonna love her cooking! He'll abide by my cooking and I'll have to make some pepper sauce for him. Hey, any of my west indian sisters got a good recipe for pepper sauce. When I'm in Ghana his friends make fun of him and say he always has a belly by the time I leave. Food is love, right?

Dangggggggggggggg Zainab,

Hook me up with some of those West Indian recipes!!!!! Although I'm single now, I don't plan to stay that way!

Do share those recipes! I can cook all american food and have been testing African recipes, but ny hubby will just cook his dishes most of the time.

The on Source of all-encompassing love knows nothing of boundaries; differing customs; geographic divisions; family splits; or differences in race, creed, sex, and so on -- it only knows love for all.

As we celebrate this holiday with or without our significant other, lets rejoice in that love that is shared, nurtured, and given across miles of oceans, deserts, and land.

Rejoice for the real reason of the season and HE will take care of the rest!!! BeBlessed and Have a Safe Christmas and Wonderous New Years.

Happy Holidays to all of you... I woke up this morning with an attitude of gratitude as many of you. I just wanted to pray for everyone as we start a new and prosperous New Year.... God we thank you for being lord over our lives, we thank you for our health ... Thank you for empowering us with the strength to make it through this journey. Thank you for our spouse's and spouse's to be, you allowed our paths to cross despite the fact that we live thousands and thousands of miles away, your an awesome God. Thank you for our children, parent's and friends.... Lord bless them in a special way. I pray for our health, are finances, and are jobs..... Lord Thank you for every open door and lord thank you for every shut door and the times you said no.... For you know the path we should take, Thank you for your mercy, Thank you for keeping us safe... Lord I pray for our spouse's and spouse's to be: Keep them safe, I pray that No weapon formed against them wil prosper. I pray that you keep there minds stayed on you.... Give them a spirt of joy, unspeakble joy on this journey. Lord we appreciate all your doing in our lives and we Thank you for your gift (JESUS) who died for all or us . We could never repay you but we say Thank You.... In Jesus Name Amen......

AMEN!!

Congratulations!!!

Did I miss something? I have yet to read anything about Nigerian men being bashed in this thread. I have read people posting their experiences which is their reality. I have seen posts that deal with relationships foreign and domestic, men and women. The one thing that is a major and undeniable commonality is that the SO's are of African decent. Now if your post was aimed at me about bashing and blaming, please go back and reread, my dear. I have clearly and without hesitation owned my responsibility for my failed marriage, but I am not going to lessen what he did either. As for your question as to what would we do for our foreign mates. At one point I was willing to do anything to save my marriage, but I could not do it alone. If he didn't want it I couldn't and was not going to hold a gun to his head. Comparing a relationship between a foreign and domestic relationship with a couple in like situations is not a fair or wise comaprison to make. Because there ARE added circumstances that are added to that relationship melding 2 different personalities, cultures, and worldviews. Now I do agree that we cheat ourselves when we do not adequately prepare as much as possible to learn what we are getting into, ie the culture and traditions, the financial strain on relationships, where they will reside, how the family will be lead spirirually. Those things need to be disscussed, understood and settled long before you make the commitment to be husband and wife, therefore you know ahead of time if it is a price you can or are willing to pay. I know I did not do all of the above and that is why I could not bash or blame my EX for everything, but talk about the foolish things he did, oh yeah I am going to talk about it if it will help someone else here recognize it and deal with it in their own relationship. Is that not why this thread was started in the first place to put out the good and the bad of relationships and tools to help others salvage what I personally could not in mine? I have always said, take what you can use from what I post, and if does not apply to you... then KEEP IT MOVING!! Congratulations on your citizenship and your successful marriage. I applaud anyone who makes it work, because it is not easy and many fail.

I agree, this is not a Nigerian bashing thread, this is real experiences/situations that some of us have gone through or is going through. The thing is that many have said things that could help others as they venture down the road with any male/female, regardless of cultural background, race, etc.

This thread is just like any other, you read all what is said and it is your choice to determine what you will use or hold on to. But I must admit there is some good stuff coming out of this, not so much as the bad things, but ways to handle thing that may come up.

Lemme ask a question here....

Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts?

I sent my hubby the link, while I speak of being transparent, I want to do the same. Not to say he was happy that I did it.

The post have been informative and helpful, but most of all relieving to know that others are going through or have been through similiar or other difficult situations..

Thanks all for your responses.

I definitely would divorce and let him be. I don't care whether he stays or goes, that is his issue. Peace of mind, is much better than the hold he would still have on me, if I was fighting immigration and all. I think in th long run I want to heal myself and unload the baggage so GOD can prepare me for the next stage of life he has in store for me.

WOW. I didn't think I would find a person on this site to get real and stop with all the Cinderella stories! You tell it like it is. ( Sorry that you had to go thru the drama to see the light) And I think it can be applied to just about everyone on this site. Even if they thry try to deny it. Cause when everyone's SO get's here sooner or later the honeymoon will be over and the "real" world will slap us all in the face. And we can all be prepared for it or run and hide with a sheet over our heads!!! I choose to be prepared. I have all ready started to "check" myself. Stopping thoughts of just buying him up clothes and everything else I thought he would need before he got here! (He is not a foster child that I am trying to make feel they are loved, safe and feel happy in the "new parents" house.) He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Hell I would not do it for any other man right?? Just because that is what my parents do to show me love is not what I should do to show love to him!! Just had a moment of clarity and thought I would share that. lol ....

... Anyway just wanted you to know that your posts got me to thinking I need to stop making excuses and treating him like a special quasi-god from another country and treat him like he is... A MAN!!!! And of course one I love. So I am taking off the blinders and opening my eyes!!!! And start being emotionally supportive and not as financaly supportive. I will keep the love flowing not the money!!!LOL

I wish I had thought of this, but what is done is done. GOOD luck on your journey!!

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

You have made some very valid points!!!