Gilles

Another thing I'd like to add is sometimes my wife engages in behavior that is unacceptable. I'd prefer to not go into details, but it's things that I ask her to stop, but she continues doing. What can others say about the effectiveness of threatening to cut off financial support to her family if she doesn't cease to engage in unacceptable behavior?

@ Gilles: I took your comment about jeopardizing the cash flow as 2 things: 1. she gets in trouble for not making the committed $ she wanted u to send either coz she overextended herself by promising her family this is what she will send OR 2. she gets into trouble with her family coz she p'ed u off about it and u totally refuse to send 1 penny

That's precisely what happened. So I sent the amount she wanted to send and clearly gave her a period of time before we'd be able to send any more money and how much we could send in the future. No promises and no giving her reason to have wishful thinking.

here is my take: I have plenty of Filipina friends who are married to Americans, they send money to their family yes but its her own money, she works and sends what she has. She does get into "trouble" sometimes when she is not able to send the amount needed due to less hours worked or unexpected bills BUT what she does is borrow from her husband and pay him back. This as far as I know happened only during enrollment periods when school fees needed to be paid. She has been supporting her nieces/nephews through school. But the trouble part isnt where she is excommunited or anything like that, its more like what we call tampo in the Philippines.

The worst thing one can do is to send the same amount on a regular basis. The amount needs to fluctuate and the interval needs to never be the same. That way the family in the Philippines will never come to depend on an income stream from you.

What you have to understand is its obvious this woman isnt right in her mind, I would be willing to be bet she only married you to be able to support her family, sad but I most def think true. If this is how it is now, then I would advise you to end this now and not have to go through the AOS at all. By all means let her leave then! To me its just an empty threat to make you do what she wants coz as u say she doesnt have money of her own, where is she going to go and what is she going to send her family?

While I don't think she married me strictly for money to be sent to her family, I do think she ruled out most potential mates because they wouldn't have been able to send money to her family.

To the OP, this is a burning question I have about American men going to Asia to find wives...

Why not find someone here that's at an equal economic level as you? Has the same or better level of education, work experience, work ethic, budget sense etc... why marry "down" instead of the norm "up"? Why marry someone who is from a family that needs financial support or are poor and sees you as their meal ticket??

Is this an "arrangement" that is often made beforehand in the K1 process? I just don't get this whole situation and trying to understand it... As far as I'm concerned, two people meet and in the process of falling in or out of love they they size each other up as marriage material, taking into account things such as age, looks (for the sake of future offspring and sexual attraction), family background, financial situation, education level etc.

Is it true when marrying certain poor foreign women that, she agrees to do something for you - provide unlimited sex, housekeeping duties etc. in exchange for you sending money to her family back home?

If you are right that these are simply "arrangements", then my wife and lots of other Filipina brides do an excellent job acting as if they really love their husband. A lot better than Truman Burbank's actor wife did in the movie The Truman Show.

We don't marry someone at an equal economic level because if we placed that criteria upon who we would consider for a potential mate, the numbers would be stacked to much against us that we would remain single our entire lives.

if she's dedicated how come she gave up looking for work easily?

I've asked her and she says no one wants to hire her - even though she hasn't really tried to find work. She seems to think employers should come to her and that she need not be proactive to find work. I'm willing to do a little networking for her, but that's about all I can do. I don't have the resources to employ her myself!

if she's loyal, sounds to me her loyalty does not lie with you.

Are you sure she did not marry you for your money? OR You did not misrepresent yourself when you visited her in the Philippines and made everybody believe you are rich?

While it may not be a misrepresentation, I can see how she would get the impression that while on vacation, it appears as if I have a bottomless pit of money. But I did make it very clear to her that I'm not wealthy.

How much was she 'alledgedly' supporting her parents before she met you, perhaps you can send half the amount while she is jobless and then tell her she can send the other half once she gets the job. Salary in PI is not that high, after taxes that might be around $300 only. That means you only need to send $150/month while she is jobless. I know of some of friends of mine in PI who lives and make do with $200/month, that includes rent, utilities, food, and a little entertainment. If they own a house then they will survive with $150/month.

She wasn't supporting her family at all prior to moving to the US.

In Asia you are at the least indebted to help your parent-in-laws (mother and father), the extended family is only bonus if you have extra money.

In the end, getting in debt so that the family in the Philippines can live in luxury is a BIG NO NO!!! If you finally go broke, honestly... do you think she'll stay with you?? After all she's only been here less than a year and she's already throwing tantrums about money. Think with your big head not the small one down below.

I have since made it very clear how much we can afford to send to her family and how often we can send it. If she asks for anything above and beyond that, I'll simply say no.

There is a code in PI, that family members should go off and work abroad and send money home.

$200 per month is big money in PI, that's a good salary per month in PI. So sending a little home each month is not a big deal for most.

I bet you a lot of people whom are married to Pinays send money home, but on the other hand wife usually works and makes the money to send home.

So I would say it is fairly common to send money back to PI.

I don't have any issues with the wife sending money back to her family - provided she works and contributes to the budget. She needs to understand that the more money she sends back, the less is left for us and our future. I've tried explaining to her that taking money from one pot to pay for 'A' reduces the money in the pot left to pay for 'B'. But she doesn't get it.

@ Gilles: I took your comment about jeopardizing the cash flow as 2 things: 1. she gets in trouble for not making the committed $ she wanted u to send either coz she overextended herself by promising her family this is what she will send OR 2. she gets into trouble with her family coz she p'ed u off about it and u totally refuse to send 1 penny

More of the former, as I am willing to send something.

here is my take: I have plenty of Filipina friends who are married to Americans, they send money to their family yes but its her own money, she works and sends what she has. She does get into "trouble" sometimes when she is not able to send the amount needed due to less hours worked or unexpected bills BUT what she does is borrow from her husband and pay him back. This as far as I know happened only during enrollment periods when school fees needed to be paid. She has been supporting her nieces/nephews through school. But the trouble part isnt where she is excommunited or anything like that, its more like what we call tampo in the Philippines.

My wife isn't willing to do what is required to get a job and has given up on the idea of going to work. She has threatened to leave, but adds if I send her family the amount she wants to send (which will put a strain on our budget), she won't leave. I feel if I give in, she'll get the idea that I can be manipulated to give her what she wants through threats or bribery. So it's important that I put a stop to this now.

What you have to understand is its obvious this woman isnt right in her mind, I would be willing to be bet she only married you to be able to support her family, sad but I most def think true. If this is how it is now, then I would advise you to end this now and not have to go through the AOS at all. By all means let her leave then! To me its just an empty threat to make you do what she wants coz as u say she doesnt have money of her own, where is she going to go and what is she going to send her family?

We've already gone through the AOS process and she has her 2 year green card. She doesn't have more than $400 to her name and she's said she doesn't want to burden her friends. She doesn't even have her drivers license (only has a learning permit) and has threatened to drive one of our cars around. What can I or should I do?

I am inclined to agree with Shani682! That is why the Philippines is fast becoming one of those fraud prone marriage countries is coz of all these young girls marrying Americans just for ....... well you get the picture. Sorry to sound so brutal and unkind but I have no kind words for this wife of yours! she is a disgrace to our culture!

If I give in, then I'm only contributing to making her more of a disgrace to the Philippine culture.

I'm not from the PI but I don't understand this -- is this considered to be normal? Do all American men married to Pinay women send money back to the PI on a regular basis? Surely your wife's family survived before you came along? Why are you expected to give them a weekly allowance all of a sudden? ESPECIALLY when you're not a millionaire and it is to your own financial detriment. I'm shocked that your wife would behave in such a childish and petulant manner. Why can't she get a job? If you are you "cheap" if you don't help out, I'd say she's lazy and irresponsible.

I mean it's one thing to send money if there's an emergency or a shortage of funds all of a sudden in a dire situation or Christmas gifts and such-- that's a different thing. I get that. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I would NEVER except my husband to be obligated for my family's upkeep. Ensure she understands how much you make and what your cost of living is--bills, gas, rent, etc. People arriving from poorer countries often have NO idea how HIGH the cost of living is in the U.S. or what the real value of a $ is. $20,000 per annum probably sounds like a ton of money to them.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Things like this make me extremely angry.

Sorry if I butted in where I don't belong.

I am in complete agreement with you. Without mentioning the amounts, she had earlier gone on a crying fit when I said our budget would only allow us to send about 1/5 of what she was hoping to send. Then a few days later, I reiterated that it would be that 1/5 amount. She then said we should just send them nothing and then said our marriage was doomed, that I was stingy, didn't care about her family and threatened to move out. However, she doesn't have much money of her own. I'm going to give her time to settle down and see where she's at in a few days.

It's my impression that the families in the Philippines of the Filipina wives in the USA would be furious with the Filipina wife in the US if they knew she was doing anything to jeopardize their receiving funds from her "US Family". Does anyone share that theory?

We got a phone call at 12:30am this morning crying for money. I transferred money to their ATM account so they could pay the electric bill. I just wish they wouldn't call at such hours, it took me two hours to get back to sleep and I had to get up for work at 6. Ugh, I am tired and sleepy

What I don't understand is if they could survive without their daughter & son in-law's financial assistance prior to your wife coming to the US, then why do they need your help now? They shouldn't up their standard of living to the additional amount you send, but should use it for appropriate things like seeing that your wife's siblings can go to college or certain medical needs can be taken care of. Then after your wife's sister/brother(s) finish school and get jobs, they'll be better off.

Luckily I worked hard all my life and have enough income to take care of my MIL and FIL. They don't have a pot to piss in. It's mine! I bought them a "house" and we pay for EVERYTHING.

Sh!t could "hit the fan" tho if their medical problems increase. I adopted their granddaughter and she is numero uno when it comes to money priorities.

I don't know what's going to happen when they go thru the dieing process. As we all do! Hopefully it's short and sweet and not costly.

Did your Filipina wife send some of her own money - perhaps money she earned through getting a job? Or was it all yours which you sent?

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you both been married and if she works? Is she aware of the bills (the amount) that you have to pay each month?

We married early this year, shortly after she arrived here on a K1 Visa. She does not work, but I know if she did, she'd do well, as she's dedicated, loyal and has lots of integrity. She's looked for work, but gives up too easily.

Well, you will need to explain to her about the amount of money you make and the amount you have to pay each month just to make sure you get electricity, food, gas... etc! She needs to sit down with you when you write checks to pay all those and make her see that if you send money (whatever amount she asks for) some things need to be sacrificed.

She isn't interested in knowing the details of the budget. I've told her there how much is left over after we pay expenses and save for a rainy day, but she doesn't seem to comprehend. She seems to want money out of thin air and calls me stingy for not providing something I can't provide. She says other Filipina brides husbands send far more to the Philippines than we do and that they make less than I do. This annoys me, as she doesn't seem to understand that not all American men have precisely the same financial situation. Furthermore, some of these other American/Filipina couples are in financial disarray - apparently because the husband tries to be too nice to his wife's family, destroying their own finances in the process.

Before I came to the US, I gave money to my mother every month. So, when I moved here, I explained to my mom that I won't be able to send money home until I get a job. She understands and I also explained to my husband that whatever I make, small part of it will be sent home. But of course, I put my family here in the US as my priority.

I hope you will work this issue out with your wife.

Thanks for the positive words & encouragement

I have been dealing with this for almost five years now. Fortunately for me I have a business in the Philippines and my partner periodically gives them money that that is now coming to an end because she is moving to Colorado to get married.

I know it is very difficult to discuss this with your Filipina bride because, if she is like my wife, doesn't understand all the ramifications of budgets and bills, etc. The best I can suggest is that you just tell her that all you can afford is X-amount. Try not to get angry if she continues to pester you, it is just the Filipino way. If you can maintain a reliable assistance they should be able to adjust to it but make sure you don't put your own well-being into trouble to satisfy the in-laws.

Good luck

Thanks for the feedback. I tell her the amount that is the most which can comfortably fit into the budget and she gets upset, telling me that I'm cheap. She goes on and on about how other Filipinas she knows here had husbands who sent several thousand dollars a year (some of them are now in financially bad shape) and that I should be as generous as them. But if I gave that much money, we would be in financial ruin. What's wrong with asking my wife to go to work if she wants to supplement what I'm sending? I've asked her to go to work, but she insists that there are no jobs out there.

My wife arrived earlier this year from the Philippines and we've gladly sent some money to her family on a few occasions. Now she wants to send amounts that don't fit comfortably into our budget. If I give in, we'll be in financial ruins and if I don't, my wife raises a stink about it. I see this as a serious problem. Has anyone had similar issues - and perhaps some good resolutions?