Gilles

While some people in here have offered some good advice, what many are forgetting is that I love my wife. After reading many of the responses, I get the impression that many of you view bringing a wife over from the Philippines is more a business arrangement than an act of love between the man & woman. If I didn't love my wife and simply viewed it as a business arrangement, I would have had her sent back to the Philippines well over a year ago.

Do many of the women in here view it as business arrangement or an act of love?

How about the men? Do they view it as a business arrangement or an act of love?

While some people in here have offered some good advice, what many are forgetting is that I love my wife. After reading many of the responses, I get the impression that many of you view bringing a wife over from the Philippines is more a business arrangement than an act of love between the man & woman. If I didn't love my wife and simply viewed it as a business arrangement, I would have had her sent back to the Philippines well over a year ago.

Do many of the women in here view it as business arrangement or an act of love?

How about the men? Do they view it as a business arrangement or an act of love?

Update: It's now been a year since my wife started working part time (making about $1000 net per month). During this time, she did contribute about 75% of the groceries and paid one bill (less than $100/month) for about 4 months. I cut her some slack during the last few months, as she was going to school to increase her earning potential. But during that time, she insisted that I use our bill paying money to send funds to her family in the Philippines. When I refused, she went ahead and sent money but lied to me about where she got the money. Now that she is on the verge of working full time, one day she says she wants the first $5000 to $10000 she earns from her new job to build a house for her family in the Philippines and the next day she says for me to not worry about our finances, as she'll contribute to our budget. I have informed her that I will determine how much she gives from each paycheck and she gets furious. So I've started taking away some of her privileges to let her know I'm serious.

But more importantly, her two year green card expires in a couple months and I've told her if she's not contributing to our budget in a reasonable manner, then I will not sign the papers for the conditions to be removed so she can get a 10 year card. Just what happens if I don't sign/submit the form for doing that?

Update: It's now been a year since my wife started working part time (making about $1000 net per month). During this time, she did contribute about 75% of the groceries and paid one bill (less than $100/month) for about 4 months. I cut her some slack during the last few months, as she was going to school to increase her earning potential. But during that time, she insisted that I use our bill paying money to send funds to her family in the Philippines. When I refused, she went ahead and sent money but lied to me about where she got the money. Now that she is on the verge of working full time, one day she says she wants the first $5000 to $10000 she earns from her new job to build a house for her family in the Philippines and the next day she says for me to not worry about our finances, as she'll contribute to our budget. I have informed her that I will determine how much she gives from each paycheck and she gets furious. So I've started taking away some of her privileges to let her know I'm serious.

But more importantly, her two year green card expires in a couple months and I've told her if she's not contributing to our budget in a reasonable manner, then I will not sign the papers for the conditions to be removed so she can get a 10 year card. Just what happens if I don't sign/submit the form for doing that?

She doesn't have a delusion that you are a bottomless pit of money. She knows what she is doing is wrong. Nobody knows better than her.

That's why she refuses to see a counsellor. Manipulators refuse to fight fair, they know a professional counsellor is an impartial referee, so they refuse counseling.

The person who is deluded is you. I don't say this to cut you down and insult you. Just being frank. You can't seem to accept that she knows what she is doing is wrong.

If you admit to that, then you have to deal with what that implies about her love for you.

Extremely intelligent professional people have been driven to clinical depression, had their careers ruined, bankruptcy, etc. by run-of-the-mill average IQ unemployed manipulators because the victim "loved" them and ground themselves into dust trying to get their spouse to "see" what they were doing was wrong.

The joke is on them because the manipulator knows all along what they are doing is wrong. They just have no scruples. Having the victim exhaust themselves trying to make them "see" what they already know is wrong is one of the reasons the manipulator has so little respect for their victim.

Manipulators figure if people are going to act that dumb then they deserve what they get.

Of course she does. Willing to absolutely everything except, uh, fix the problem.

A good parasite never kills its host. So of course she's going to keep the relationship "working". Until she finds a better host.

That's stated in a way that does not indicate that you have been to support groups and counselling for this matter under discussion. That's a pretty important qualifier.

A seasoned professional is going to zero in on the incapacity of yours in accepting that she knows what she is doing is wrong.

I have no malice towards you. I hope that never is implied in the things I have said.

If she does know what she's doing is wrong, then she is in complete denial. Just how can I confront this?

I can just off the power, disconnect her cell phone service, take away her car keys, etc. Predictably, she'll then say I'm the bad guy. But if I do all that and she still sticks with me, then what does that say about her quest for a "better host"?

Love is the most important part of the relation....if both of you are transparent of what you earn and what she earn and both of you talks about all the bills to be paid and both of you will talk about how much money left and to be save and will talk about if there is spare then she can sent back home...i think everything will be fine. In our situation we are open in everything especially financially....we don't fight over money we live how much money left after all the bills paid....and we dont send money back to philippines unless its for emergency...emergency means no one can help them but us....if your wife knows that theres no way for both of you to help her family back home then there are many filipina woman out there seeking for love and a long lasting family not just for your money..... (this problem is not happining only to filipina its happend in every race) the most important thing is how you gonna deal with it.

What's really sad is what my wife is doing is not good for other Filipinas who want to marry American men. The more men who hear about Filipina women like my wife, the less the men are going to look to the Philippines for a wife. I imagine that the trickle effect is that my wife's behavior is going to piss off Filipina women.

Same sh*t...different day.

Gilles...Isn't it ironic that, even though you claim to have "a strong background & lots of experience in both child and adult psychology & sociology," you refuse to acknowledge that you are the one who needs to seek professional help? It has not gone unnoticed that you simply ignore the issue altogether.

And yet, you continue in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship in which you refuse to set personal boundaries in regards to manipulation, lying, deception, communication, and transparency. Why is that? What are you afraid of?

Maybe this will help you to WAKE UP!!!

As someone else said (I think it was Kevin), love is a very powerful thing. Because I love my wife, I'm hopeful that she'll overcome this stage and she'll understand that what she's doing is wrong. My wife shows in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with money that she loves me and that she's committed to the relationship working. She simply has a delusion that I have some kind of bottomless pit of money that I'm hiding from her.

Could I use counseling? I've been in support groups and have been to counseling and it is largely through those groups that I've learned to be more comfortable with saying no or being "tough".

You sound like two college roomies fighting over whose turn it is to buy the pizza. (or) Like a father dealing with a hard headed teen.

Here's an idea for you....treat your wife like a wife. Give her shared control of all your finances. Empower her instead of trying to control/ dominate her. (if) You can't trust her enough to turn loose or share the reigns...then what the hell were you thinking when you said..."l Do"...?

Seriously...the more you post the more you show the control freak in you!

Ridiculous!!!

When it comes to trusting or relying on someone, I usually assume they are up to the task until they show otherwise. I gave my wife a lot of freedom with money when we were first together. Her irresponsible ways caused me to develop some hesitation when it came to letting her handle the money. I'd guess that you would have done the same.

Please notice that she's giving you a threatening ultimatum. Here are some of your few options remaining.

1. Give her control over all the finances for awhile. I suspect one of two things would result: she'll realize how hard it is to make ends meet, or she'll continue making horrible decisions that result in all the utilities getting turned off or even eviction (is it a rental or a mortgage?). This method carries a huge risk, but a predictable outcome. If you love her enough, you could consider it worth the risk. I think either way she will get to where she realizes how irresponsible her choices and desires are. Although it's slightly possible she would let it all fall apart and still blame you for not giving up your "secret stash". If you do this, stock up on candles first.

2. Counter her threatening ultimatum with your own. Go directly to the big D. She won't be able to survive on her own, a true threat of this could shake her up enough. But, I don't think this is the best plan as it just perpetuates the hostility.

3. (best option!) My previous suggestions which would appeal to her conscience.

4. Continue "negotiating", if you can call it that. The hostility involved in these negotiations, even if it is as one sided as it sounds, mean they aren't really negotiations. They're full-fledged combat in disguise. Even if you manage to negotiate your way through this problem and she has herself a better job and buys the parents a house, the marriage itself will still be on life-support. Fix the other problems in the relationship, and negotiations won't need to happen.

Her mind seems to be in a fantasy land where she's living a rich life and can easily buy her parents a nice house. I want to buy my parents a nice house, too, and I'm American. But I'm sure not going to buy them a nice house at the expense of my own financial stability.

There's also a very strong element of impatience in her actions. She's not willing to patiently work toward the goal of helping her parents get a house (etc), she feels an immediate imperative.

If you take route #3 and help her become less defensive, you may be able to get to the root of why she feels this overwhelming obligation to "make her parents rich immediately". Perhaps then you can help her realize that there's no urgency for it.

Talk softly at all times, be calm at all times.

Update. She has started school. She told me she needed money for the tuition and I said she should use the excess from her paychecks. So she paid her tuition herself. Then she wanted some small amounts ($50-$100) for school expenses - and I told her if she would have to open up her expense/income summary for me to review, then I would pay for it. She refused to open up her expense/income summary for me to review. This happened a second time for a higher dollar amount and she again refused to show me her income/expense summary.

I've thought about going to her family, as one line of thought has her family smacking her for being so greedy - especially if I say that she's going to get less and less money if she keeps up this kind of behavior. On the other hand, her family might hate me beyond belief if I do something like that.

Just as was the case with groceries - which I have refused to pay for - she's going to have to pay her share of things like phone, internet, electric, etc. If she doesn't, then these things will get shut off. I've been too much of a softie for too long and she's come to accept it. Just how tough do I have to be for her to realize I'm serious?

Now she wants me to pay for her schooling and wants the first 3 to 4 months earnings of hers all to herself to pay for a new house for her parents. And she says after that, she would sign 100% of her paychecks over to me, but suggested that I return some 60-70% of her paycheck to her for her own discretionary money (I had a figure in mind of a lot less than that). Furthermore, why should she get more discretionary money than me? While she said she'd still contribute to some bills (just groceries) during those 3-4 months, I have some reservations, as her desire for 60-70% of her paycheck as discretionary money is too much.

I'd like for her to go to school and improve her job skills. But if she just wants to be a money hog, then what's the purpose? Furthermore, she could say she'll sign over her paychecks and then elect not to.

This is getting nauseating, as she pesters me about this every day. She says if I don't agree to this plan, she'll go to "plan B", but won't tell me what that is.

Now she wants me to pay for her schooling and wants the first 3 to 4 months earnings of hers all to herself to pay for a new house for her parents. And she says after that, she would sign 100% of her paychecks over to me, but suggested that I return some 60-70% of her paycheck to her for her own discretionary money (I had a figure in mind of a lot less than that). Furthermore, why should she get more discretionary money than me? While she said she'd still contribute to some bills (just groceries) during those 3-4 months, I have some reservations, as her desire for 60-70% of her paycheck as discretionary money is too much.

I'd like for her to go to school and improve her job skills. But if she just wants to be a money hog, then what's the purpose? Furthermore, she could say she'll sign over her paychecks and then elect not to.

This is getting nauseating, as she pesters me about this every day. She says if I don't agree to this plan, she'll go to "plan B", but won't tell me what that is.

Gilles:

So..how you feeling about the way this thread has turned out for you? Do you like it? Do you like the way some have labeled you? (calling you a "coward" and other similar complimentary descriptions)

I have no problem with others labeling me a coward. I have a strong background & lots of experience in both child and adult psychology & sociology and have learned that by making derogatory remarks about someone else or by calling them by a derogatory name only reflects poorly on the name caller and not on the one being called the name. I actually encourage those who think I'm a coward to come forward and say so. I like to learn about others. In many cases, saying something negative about someone else reveals a low self-esteem on the part of the name caller.

It's strange how some are willing to give advice freely (with an attitude of open minded support) and then become hostile and degrading when their advice is not followed. It seems the attitude of some .... How dare you not follow the advice! How dare you discuss the advice in a way that seems argumentative! I wonder why some give advice with the expectation that you follow it and if you don't...well...the posse that showed up to help...has now tied the noose around your neck. Your dealing with a mess at home and a hostile VJ mob? How you feel about that? What do you think about that?

I could choose to ignore the hostile replies, but I don't. If they have any effect on me, they humor me, as the posters of those attacks don't realize that what they're saying reveals far more about themselves than it does about me.

It's the old saying...be careful what you ask for coz you might not like what you get. Although I would not post personal marriage info (such as conflicts) in a public forum... I think it is admirable that you are willing to sell yourself out to get "meaningful" advice.

If "selling myself out" is the price to pay to get useful advice or hear how others have dealt with similar situations, it is a small price to pay. I have no issues posting this stuff in a public forum, as we can all be as anonymous as we choose.

Another opinion, for what it's worth (probably not much) ....your marriage is suffering from a power struggle. I think you need to make a choice....accept it or quit it. It's obvious that you want as much or more control/ power (as you describe) your wife.

Yes, it's a power struggle. And I'm trying to be nice all the time. I need to test the other approach and that is to be tough - which isn't in my character.

My wife and I have a married-couple friend that has conducted "marriage encounter" workshops (for their church) 30 years. They have often stated that "successful" marriages are the result of a couple learning acceptance. You need to decide wether you can accept your wife for who she is and if not....move on or continue the power struggle to whatever ending result you find. (If) your looking (here on VJ) for a "collective" effort to out-wit out-last out-manipulate your wife....hmmmm....how bout you just make that real clear to everybody instead of throwing a bait and switch party? (I'm curious to read the responses)

I think I have made it clear that there are many possible ways to deal with someone like my wife. Some work with some people. Some work with other people. Some don't work with certain people. And others don't work with certain people. But if you look for trends, you'll see that in general some approaches work better than other approaches. And what I've learned here and from other sources is that the only thing which will work - if anything will work - is for me to be tough and not give in.

P.S. I'm also finding it humorous how the posse has turned on itself. The attempts of 1 posse member to squash anothers freedom of expression. Be religious, but only to the "extent" that I like it. I mean, isn't it obvious that the squashers advice is absolutely the best advice and all should listen? Afterall...it's (guess who), and we all should know by now that (guess who) perspective will probably help. How many more times does (guess who) have to tell us this before we finally get it? (Thank you thank you thank you for staying up so late and sacrificing sleep to enlighten us!)

Darn Gilles! It's like punishing a dog when making a mess even though it looks so cute and adorable, but you need to because the dog needs discipline.

One more thing, if you think you made mistake in the past that resulted your situation right now, you can't keep doing mistakes to make things right. Wake up man! Go to the roots of your problem instead of being superficial. You are such a coward that you can't face the consequences of your situation instead you keep justifying reasons that aren't justifiable. You can't change a person that is not willing to change. There's a lot of good advices that had been spoken here for you, pick it up and if thats what really your reason posting this thread.

I can't know if she's willing to change unless I try a different approach. Unfortunately it's not within my character to play "tough", so I have to step outside my comfort zone which is a difficult thing for me to do. It's like asking a the nicest guy in the world to show some meanness. If she doesn't change after I try a different approach, then perhaps you're right that she won't change. But we won't know until I try something different and I've been working in that direction.

I'm not offended in the slightest that you call me a coward. You're entitled to your opinion and your perception. IMO, a coward is someone who would have walked away from this situation without exhausting every available method or resource to fix the problem. In other words, one who retreats from the front line in battle because he can't handle the fright.

In Tagalog quote, "Para kang sirang plaka, paulit-ulit na lang, nakakarindi."

My apologies for being too lazy to look it up at a translation page, but what does that mean?

To Kevin (who posted about verses in the Bible)

You probably think that I am one of the haters. I admire you for being so religious but there's an extent of being so religious, you don't have to flaunt it by posting verses here which for me doesn't make sense. And oh by the way, if you think that identifying the truth and saying it out loud is being haters, then you are hypocrite because you are sugar-coating something that shouldn't be.

I am a non-believer and not a Christian, but I think the Bible offers some very good moral lessons. While the verses might make no sense to you right now, if you were given real life situations to apply them to, you'd see that they make a lot of sense.

]

D I V O R C E

Perhaps I need to be more clear:

What would you do if your wife - who you love - insisted on sending money to her family in the Philippines when you couldn't justify giving away the money? And then when you say "no", she tells you you're cheap, teases you about your previous relationships, etc?

And what would you do if your wife - who you love - went to work, created her own checking account, denied you access to the funds and send practically all her income to her family in the Philippines?

I encourage you to read Kevin's post at http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/280345-sending-money-to-your-wifes-family-for-hospital-expenses/page__st__60 and his signature

There's also nothing wrong with him putting up with her for an eternity. It's that thing called love. See my signature regarding the definition of love.

Love is not just a feeling, it is the actions showing kindness, caring, and concern, even when you don't feel like it.

Eh, I used to be alot like you Gilles. I put up with huge amounts of #######, all for the sake of "love", so I know what you are going through. Although, thankfully, I was never married to her. I know you won't take any kind of advice other than what you want to hear, so I won't waste my time trying to convince you of anything. I just hope and pray you will be OK when she breaks your heart. Cause it will happen. Been there, done that, thinking of marketing the T-shirt. The best you can do is learn from your experiences and be strong. If talking about it on the interweb makes you feel better, then by all means do so. But it's not going to change anything. Trying to manipulate someone into changing is just never going to work. She is who she is, you are who you are. Some people are just not compatible, no matter how hard they both try. Anyway, just my 2 pesos. Good luck and I truly hope everything works out for you.

If you're right, then what do I have to lose by coming down hard and saying "no" when I feel like keeping the peace by saying "yes"? Perhaps she'll respond differently and stop the nonsensical behavior she's been exhibiting. I'll then be whacking myself on the side of the head wondering why I didn't have the strength earlier to say "no".

I know I can just ignore threads I do not like but this is so very annoying.

Gilles, yours posts on this thread and on your other very long thread are about the same problem. You ask the same questions over and over and over and over again. People here keep giving you the same advice over and over and over and over again. And yet you seem to be blind or lacking in comprehension since you still post the same questions and complaints over and over and over and over again.

I am amazed at how patient people here are in repeating themselves over and over and over and over again.

If you were in my class, you'd have flunked a long time ago. When you speak with a grown up with no mental or physiological disability, many university professors and instructors would say - I will only say something once. Hear it, understand it. Do not ask the same question more than once. Do not repeat what you already said. Learn and apply what you've learned.

Some people when confronted with the same question from the same person a second time will respond with something along the lines of, "I'm not going to answer that question, you asked it already and I already gave you an answer". Others will answer the question anyway and perhaps offer, "by the way, I did answer that question for you already". Which do you think paints the one on the receiving end of the question in a less favorable light?

You come across like a very desperate man too afraid to confront his spouse for fear that she will leave you. Stop it. You're a grown man but you're behaving like a helpless toddler. Use your brain. What is the point of having a brain if you're not going to use it?

I don't care how I come across. If coming across in a way that doesn't really depict who I am or is not how I desire to come across in an anonymous message board is the price to be paid to get some meaningful feedback, then it's a very small price to pay.

Hi Gilles!

I assumed the reason why you made this thread is to get advices, opinion as well as ideas on what is really the deal with your situation. Upon reading all the responses that people posted here, if you are not stupid (forgive for the word I used, I just can't think what other word should I use to express my thoughts) then it would be enough for you to analyze your situation. Now, as I observe, you are trying to reason out facts thats already understandable. If you think you already did everything to make things better but the problem didn't really get solution, then its about time to change course of action. My guess, you are in denial of the outcome for whatever course of action you may take. If your situation is what really it is, then you either give her ultimatum and have it happen if she didn't agree to do so or continue with your stupidity. No amount of advices or opinions will ever suffice your search for solution as long as you keep searching instead of making actions to solve your problem.

But if you posted this thread to stretch out with your burden, I guess you have enough. You really sound so stupid now.

You're funny! I posted this thread and the other one to get feedback from others who have dealt with similar situations. While there is not an identical solution for all of us who are in situations like I'm in, there are naturally some things which will have a tendency to work better than other things. One's natural tendency might not be to do the thing which will likely work the best. Perhaps one fears tension, hostility, outwardly shown anger, etc and doesn't want to be encumbered by a home life full of those things. So his natural tendency is to avoid confrontation. There ultimately gets to be a point for all of us where the consequences of giving in to every demand stop being favorable in comparison to the hostility and bitterness which may permeate a relationship for a while when you say "no".

Are you up with the times on why men go overseas to find a bride? Most of the men I know who married Filipina women admit they got fed up with all the game playing that goes on with dating and/or romancing an American woman.

My point exactly.

and at this point, im sorry but i no longer believe this to be a real scenario. NO ONE could be this dense.

I think most America men who bring a bride over from the Philippines (or be it Russia, South America or Vietnam) thoroughly consider the alternative prior to looking overseas.

It may be useful for you to learn a few things about what the Bible says, so you can help her to learn more about what she claims to believe. One of two things will likely happen: She will realize that she needs to change and change. Or, she will realize (perhaps subconsciously) that she does not actually want to accept it, and will become worse.

I've tried both quoting passages to her and asking her if God would approve of her behavior. She responds by saying that it doesn't matter because I don't believe in God. Just how do the beliefs of others affect a Christian's accountability to God?

The Bible teaches a family hierarchy. The man has the authority and the responsibility as head of the household. The situation you face is evidence as to why this is a good guideline. Men are commanded to Love their wives, while women are commanded to Respect their husbands. The concept of respect comes naturally to men, but not to women; and the ability to love obviously is how women are built, but not so much men. Women have to "work" at being respectful, and men have to "work" at being loving. If both the man and the woman concentrate on this, the marriage will flourish. Men have to learn to ask themselves "will saying or doing this make my wife feel loved?", while women must ask themselves "will my husband feel that respect him?". Very often wives will say "he has to earn my respect first!", but then this leads to men having a very hard time being loving to a woman who disrespects him.

Thanks for sharing. I think you got this out of Ephesians. Am I right?

Also, regarding her "license to be bad". If she is using forgiveness as an excuse to do whatever she wants, then I feel the need to ask what denomination she follows? Knowing this will help me compare what she believes with what the Bible actually teaches, if you would like to help her understand it better. Only a few denominations teach that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and just use forgiveness to absolve all responsibility.

She's Christian. I've heard others refer to it as Protestant. I don't know what she really believes, as when I ask her questions about her faith, she becomes evasive, defensive, agitated or angry.

This is very clearly not how forgiveness and repentance work according to the Bible. We are not forgiven if we intend to do whatever it was again. Forgiveness is freely given, but we have to actually repent in order to receive it. Repentance means not merely acknowledging wrongdoing, but also desiring to never do it again.

Sometimes I wonder if she is aware of this. What part of the Bible specifically addresses this? Feel free to PM me regarding this.

On the bright side, it means she at least knows that what she is doing is bad, if she knows there is a need to be forgiven for it.

Also, you can suggest to her that she pray for God's guidance in her decisions (which specifically opposes a common attitude of making selfish decisions and then praying for help in executing them)

I think this is a good idea. However, she'll inevitably say as a non-believer, I'm in no position to suggest she pray for God's guidance. But once again, how does the belief of someone else make it any less worthy for her to pray for God's guidance?

If it would help, I can provide Bible references for all of these.

Please do. You may PM me if you wish.

There's nothing wrong with him coming here seeking advice from others. Some people go to bars and "whine" to the bartender, or their buddies, or whoever else. Some people use internet forums. I personally don't call it whining. For one, I don't think I was involved in his previous threads, so in the off chance that I (or anyone else who has encountered it for the first time in this particular thread) happen to offer one useful bit of advice, his posting another thread here was surely worthwhile.

There's also nothing wrong with him putting up with her for an eternity. It's that thing called love. See my signature regarding the definition of love.

Very well said. If I didn't love my wife, I wouldn't have put up with this ####### and would have divorced her a long time ago. I think others in here are losing sight of that.

sucks to go half way around the world and wind up with the type of women you coulda found in your own backyard.

Are you up with the times on why men go overseas to find a bride? Most of the men I know who married Filipina women admit they got fed up with all the game playing that goes on with dating and/or romancing an American woman.

Last night she noticed that her bank account was overdrawn and she blamed me. She accused me of giving her no notice that I was using her account to pay bills and I made it clear that she gave me no notice that she was going to send large sums of money to her family in the Philippines. She said it was OK because it was her money and not our money whereupon I corrected her by saying it was our money. I asked her how she got the money to send to her family and she said she borrowed it. So I asked who she borrowed it from and she said, "my boyfriend" (I'm pretty sure that was just a sarcastic response) and I asked what happens if we don't pay it back. She said they would kill her if she doesn't pay it back. So she has asked me to put money into her bank account so it isn't overdrawn. Please tell me if I'm wrong, but it's clear to me that she needs to be taught a lesson and I'd be foolish to replenish her account. She just doesn't seem to get it that our needs must come first!

All of this time and she's still playing the games? I won't stop...

My wife's family knows to not ask money from us because my wife told them we are working hard to support our family here. They also don't know just how much the Medical Insurance is covering for out little guy's Cochlear Implants so they think I'm paying most of the $100,000.00 (per ear) out of my pocket!

I don't know the particulars of the discussions between my wife and her family. Is her family manipulating her into sending money? Or is my wife trying to be over generous? Either way, I'm having a very difficult time getting her to see that her priority should be with our own welfare first.

What would you do if your wife insisted on sending money to her family in the Philippines when you couldn't justify giving away the money? And then when you say "no", she tells you you're cheap, teases you about your previous relationships, etc?

And what would you do if your wife went to work, created her own checking account, denied you access to the funds and send practically all her income to her family in the Philippines?

My thoughts?

You have been putting up with her ####### for over a year, and then whining about it here on VJ.

You are foolishly trying to out-manipulate a master manipulator.

Why haven't you been to counseling yourself so you can find out why you continue to put up with her #######?

I wouldn't put up with her attitude for a nano-second.

Sheesh...

Then what would you do if your SO handled money in an irresponsible manner as my SO does?

I am tossing between handling this one of two ways. She's working part time, making some $1200 to $1500 net per month. When she deposits her money, she puts about half in her checking account and takes about half of it cash back. So I'm beginning to think she didn't borrow the money in question, but took it out of this cash reserve accumulated from her "cash back" when she made deposits.

So I'm thinking about doing one of two things, as she isn't paying a reasonable amount towards our household bills.

1) Set up another account with her bank and as soon as she makes a deposit, immediately transfer it under my control.

2) Tell her she needs to contribute X dollars per months to the household bills (including auto insurance) and if she doesn't, then simply take her off the insurance policy & take away the keys.

Any thoughts?

I am tossing between handling this one of two ways. She's working part time, making some $1200 to $1500 net per month. When she deposits her money, she puts about half in her checking account and takes about half of it cash back. So I'm beginning to think she didn't borrow the money in question, but took it out of this cash reserve accumulated from her "cash back" when she made deposits.

So I'm thinking about doing one of two things, as she isn't paying a reasonable amount towards our household bills.

1) Set up another account with her bank and as soon as she makes a deposit, immediately transfer it under my control.

2) Tell her she needs to contribute X dollars per months to the household bills (including auto insurance) and if she doesn't, then simply take her off the insurance policy & take away the keys.

Any thoughts?