Aagha

This is where the confusion is. This was a narcissistic person who liked to have control. More often than not with abusive language, or simply knowing the other is dependent and in the inferior position.

He'd do one thing, then lie that he didn't. He'd claim he wants one thing, then act like he doesn't want that. He messed with my head completely.

I believe he enjoyed having someone he could bully around. 

This means that the separation date doesn't hold much logic in some subjective sense.

I'd say I'd leave, or he'd tell me to leave, then I'd go to my girlfriend's house, he'd frantically call my phone to come back home.

Even after divorce was done he kept calling me, asking where I am, stalk me through mutual contacts, and making jealous remarks asking if I'm dating anyone else, trying to get together over a dinner and movie- after he claimed he wanted me to leave! 

So according to that, I have been struggling to understand what separation date is in means of emotional and toxic relationships of this kind combined with laws. I asked the lawyer, but he didn't know much, he said those are just "marital issues". Laws online say "when one party tells another they want to separate". There has been no consistency around this matter!

This is why the dates kept changing.

Even after I left the household with GC and thought things were over, he kept trying to reconnect.

Even to this day we are divorced and this man tries to still text and call me and "complain" that I am seeing someone next or make remarks around it. 

If I respond, he tries to claim I am obsessed with him.

The separation date on the decree is the day of leaving the household. 

..so what is the separation date? 

14 hours ago, Ed&Midori1031 said:

So right now you are only separated and not divorced?

We have been divorced. I'm just not sure what separation means because there's no such thing as legal separation in some US states such as California. 

Hi all.

I recently became eligible for citizenship, filing on 5yr rule.

During marriage, we didn't have a second interview for ROC.

Questions:

1) Marriage was troublesome, lots of cheating from USC. 

All of our issues revolved around that and him loving to exert power and asking me to "obey" knowing my situation depended on him. He was verbally, mentally, physically abusive, drinking, going out to nightclubs and rubbing it in my face in public. This was very tough on me, mentally and emotionally. He was a narcissistic personality, he isolated me from people and turned a lot of people against me by the time of our divorce.

2) Lawyer told me I need to know the separation date for this interview. I am confused with what that really means?

Realistically, this marriage was gradually falling apart. He cut me off from his family first 10 months after us filing ROC. We made up and continued sleeping in the same bed 6 months after, so I changed the separation date to when I completely moved out the residence, and this was 2 months after I received my GC. 

Please share your thoughts. Thank you

9 minutes ago, Boiler said:

Well it would certainly be different if they was an immigration consequence, like having to go through the VAWA process.

 

Just a quick point of order VAWA is a somewhat misleading term in that it applies to all genders, and it is not just women in the VAWA thread.

I appreciate your need to correct my posts and the whole thread. Maybe you could dismiss yourself from it finally.

On 10/22/2020 at 6:41 AM, ThaOne said:

I am not sure how someone who clearly is going through or went through a difficult time and is just posting an opinion and looking for answers can get such harsh comments from some people? All she did is say something from the heart. Those who know should just guide her to where to look for, correct her, give her some info, tell her what to file or at least have some sympathy.

But I just don't understand how some people can be so disrespectful and condescending just because they have thousands of posts. This is not how such a forum should be. You have some whose english isn't that good but have the nerve to tell this person that "it's simple words" when the OP doesn't understand what they mean, then make jokes about "it's a divorce lawyer" that the OP needs. This should not be permitted on such a forum. If the person doesn't know, why not just tell her/him instead of responding in such manners? If immigrants treat other immigrants this way, then what should natural born US citizens do then?

To the OP: sorry you had to go through what you went through. Please take the advice of some of the more considerate people here (i.e Villanelle...) and ignore the trolls with thousands and thousands of posts who yet don't really help.

Thank you so much. I also noticed frequent commentators on this forum who keep coming back but offer no value in their comments- probably some sort of personal frustration they're trying to fix? 

I posted this because I think international relationships are specific and much different from any other 'local' situation. Regardless of whether the foreigner got their paperwork, it's also important to live in the country with serenity and peace. How do you do that knowing you got sponsored by someone who was evil and clinically described as a psychopath by a literal psychiatrist?! My lawyer was generally disinterested to hear anything other than signing administrative forms and brushed off any other concerns. It's like the goal is just to "get approved". But is it really? I spent 5 years with a person who isolated me and banned me from talking to absolutely anyone else and the only truth I knew I learned from them. 

I am wondering if there are at least some organizations that help and advise people who went through abusive relationships during the anti-immigrant political era.

57 minutes ago, Villanelle said:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/true-survivor-stories

 

The link above has many stories of survivors. You can also use google to find a local DV group (or your psychiatrist/therapist may be able to refer you to a local group). I understand wanting to connect with others who have been through the same but DV impacts EVERYONE no matter their race, class, education, ethnicity, age..etc. Sadly it can happen to anyone. Yes, there may be specific things that you experienced as an immigrant but again everyone's story is unique as well as the same. Try to focus on the larger picture when seeking out support in groups rather then the differences. 

When people like and care for someone too much,  infatuation, attraction, ..then they realize who the other person is and file for annulment?  That's how I feel. Like my status and life in country will always be tied to this monster... then the threats...That's why I posted it here.

On 10/12/2020 at 3:44 PM, Orangesapples said:

There's also AWA. I think these laws need to be expanded and to make it impossible for someone currently incarcerated or with a history of any violent crime to petition for a spouse or fiance. 

I was saying stereotype in the media tends to always be- either both parties have bad intentions, or only the foreigner does. Articles like "protect US citizens from bad foreigners who come here for benefits". Not a single article or publication mentions bad US citizens who manipulate foreigners and don't take responsibility, and all the burden of the nature of the relationship falls on the foreigner's back because they're the one getting the US entry. VAWA may help but I am saying US citizens exploit this a lot (foreigner's vulnerability or cultural comprehension what a marriage is supposed to be) and never get punished.

On 10/16/2020 at 12:57 AM, Ywong said:

Your case is similar like the girl that I know. I just left the messages. These guys are taking advantage of women’s weakness, this is not right. As a immigrant to a new country, these girls don’t know how to protect themselves, hire a lawyer is a option, but in reality it’s costed, especially they just moved here and need every penny for life. 

Interesting. I'm curious what others on this thread think. Can the USC's behavior be used against the foreigner down the line if they stayed in a bad marriage? 

2 hours ago, Boiler said:

So where is the Immigration connection?

I was ultimatively getting threats from USC to leave the country when the marriage started falling apart. I managed to divorce and get out. And still after that, I sometimes get verbally abusive messages, either directly or as indirect threats from mutual acquiantances.

I was treated like I was inferior and didn't see it, it escalated over time. He convinced me that I have to "prove myself since he is the US citizen". He constantly liked to spite me in public so "people would talk"- he loved that. He threatened multiple times that he would "call ICE and prove how he cheated and never loved me and how I stayed against his will". He would be insanely jealous if I went out with friends, but he gave himself the right to do anything. I am wondering if I can anytime get in any harm of deportation because of his behavior. He took no responsibility whatsoever.  I understand that the relationship must be mutually loving and traditionally respectful. I did everything to reason and love this person, but it would only get worse. 

2 hours ago, Villanelle said:

It seems you are looking for a thread or subforum similar to the 'moving here and your new life in America' one but specifically for VAWA petitioners- where non immigration topics can be discussed that abuse victims face (like housing, financial aid, in ability to work, mental health issues, etc). 

 

We currently do not have a thread or subforum for that. You can suggest one in the subforum for Site related discussion/updates/ideas however I dont think the mods will implement it. Not because it wouldnt be useful but because a thread like that would just get cluttered with technical questions about the VAWA process. 

 

The current VAWA thread acts as a 'catch all' for issues VAWA petitioners may face. Yes, theres a lot of posts about technical issues but there are also posts about filing divorce or getting financial aid for school. Or finding therapy options, getting welfare assistance, mail forwarding issues. The VAWA thread is a safe place where victims can connect with others for support and advice. Many of the issues I listed out above are impacted by where you are in the process. For example to get medicaid you need your Prima Facie. You have to file first and sometimes request a prima facie document. So a separate thread where discussion on how to get medicaid will ultimately be turned into a technical discussion about the process. Its much easier for everyone if its all kept in one thread. I understand it can be a lot to sort through. You can use the search feature to help find information you need. 

 

Is there something specific you are needing help with? Its a bit odd for someone to just randomly decide they want to read specific stories of abuse for no particular reason. If you are unsure if your situation qualifies the best thing to do is post it and get opinions on it. Other then that there are tons of domestic violence resources online from various agencies that offer resources and referrals. For local assistance you can dial 211 and the operator can direct you to local agencies. 

 

 

Hi, thank you.

Well, I am done with my paperwork regarding immigration.. So I don't require a VAWA assistance. 

I was married for 5 years to a USC who was severely abusive and I believe I am experiencing PTSD as a result.

I have kept this to myself for 5 years because he wouldn't let me talk to or spend time with other people, and after years I finally had a chance to see and reconnect with people I trust, including a psychiatrist, who all concluded I was being manipulated by a mentally unstable person. I'm trying to find relief in reading other people's stories and see if I find a similar experience. 

2 hours ago, Villanelle said:

 

 

There is an option- VAWA. Not sure why you keep saying this topic isnt about VAWA when it clearly is? If your USC or LPR spouse is abusive VAWA can help you obtain status w/o their help. Currently we are on Part 20 of the VAWA thread. When the thread reaches 200-300 pages they create a new 'part' due to its size. So there is apx 4000+ pages of VAWA discussion on VJ.  Isnt that more then enough of examples of stories of 

I opened this thread to get specific stories and experiences. Not technicalities around VAWA.

Does everyone here think that the foreigner can "just file wava and be free"? How about being unemployed and not having a place to go to? What does VAWA here help for? Life is not that black or white.

Please share specific stories about abuse. Thanks.

1 minute ago, Lucky Cat said:

You made the claim that "Laws always mention foreigner using the USC!!! ".  That just isn't true.

Thank you. I posted this to hear experiences.

10 minutes ago, mushroomspore said:

What laws? VAWA exists to protect immigrants from abusive US citizen spouses.

 

There are definitely stories of abusive immigrants too. I've seen posts by US citizens asking how to get their abusive immigrant spouses deported. Some of them report being blackmailed, having their reputations ruined, financial and other kinds of abuse etc. Abuse happens everywhere in all kinds of ways.

There definitely are. But this topic is not about that. This is about US citizens who marry to exploit foreigners in all ways possible, while being controlling and not compromising about anything. Treating foreigners like imported personal servants. WAVA is great but not that useful when the foreigner is unemployed and not having a lot helpful contacts- thanks to USC who tries to keep them "home" and not letting them go out and controlling who will they talk to or socialize with. Especially when one is depending on housing that belongs to USC. 

18 hours ago, Luckycuds said:

Of course there are cases where the US citizen exploits the foreigner- whether this is refusing to file for adjustment of status, not allowing them to work or withholding their greencard. Exploitation goes both ways.

I just find it unbelievable that the laws and stereotypes always favor the USC spouse. Laws always mention foreigner using the USC!!!  If the foreigner marries in good intent and faith and promises to dedicate themselves to improve the US citizen's life - including listening to everything they say and want, and then the US citizen shows they have no intent of respecting or committing to the foreign spouse and making it look like a joke of a marriage, that is putting the foreigner at all sorts of risks where they also have little options, especially if they depend on USC. Not to mention how vulnerable foreigners are and often get in hands of someone who thinks they're entitled to do whatever and nothing can happen to them (I'm an American and I can do whatever I want and you are here to "obey") while generally being manipulative and exploitative, emotionally and verbally abusive.

Just now, Boiler said:

What has your comment got to do with my post?

Your post was posted on my forum thread, so I'm asking, what do you mean in relation to the subject. Thank you.

1 minute ago, Boiler said:

Occasionally we have both who are members on here and post their take, and all the ones I have seen it has taken some time to realise they were talking about the same relationship.

I don't understand this feedback, I have never posted here before about this. 

Hi everyone. I always see examples of US citizens being defrauded by foreign nationals. I was wondering if there are stories that include the opposite? Example would be a US citizen who has exploitative intentions towards a foreign spouse who is in love with them and didn't see the "red flags" in the relationship itself, and that developed further throughout the marriage. "If you don't prove your love by doing this-because that makes me happy, I will think you're just using me for a green card."

Thanks.