kytwell

people who didn't vote for Obama on substance? Really?
Please. I maybe know a hanful of people that actually voted for him on substance and even then it was ignorant of wht was really going to happen.
the overwhelming majority of Obama voters didn't know who the hell he was and voted for him because #1 - they thought he spoke well. #2 - their friend was voting for him. #3 - He's not W. #4 - He's black and you're black so it's a must. #5 - Hippie White Guilt. and that's about it.

He's lying to both of you. The lie to his "friend" was not admitting he was marrying you. That won't be the only lie he has told to her. Manipulators keep their victims from talking to each other so the victims can't compare notes and catch them in their lies. So remember that he isn't just keeping you from talking to her: he is keeping her from talking to you as well. Who knows what he's telling her about you, but it is to manipulate her into getting what he wants.
One of the cruelist things manipulators do is blame the victim. He says he isn't being honest with you because you will be upset. So he blames his lies on you. That is an additional lie, but one that is especially demonstrative of how dirty he is fighting. He cannot be trusted to tell you the truth. You have a lot of options to establish what the truth is.
I'm inclined in this case to say call the girl with straightforward honest intentions and friendly tone: you have every right to tell her exactly what is going on: the husband is concealing whatever their relationship is and it is hurting you. Don't be demanding and accusatory - Approach more as a friend, not as an enemy. If there is nothing going on, speaking with a husband's circle of friends is nothing out of the ordinary. You'd call them for a recipe or directions to a store they know about, or whatever. It is only because of your husbands actions that such a call from you could be interpreted as a threat to her.
But you can bank on your husband having told this woman about how volatile and unreasonable you are, so it is going to be a surprise to her how calm and reasonable you sound, which is going to help a great deal in getting to the bottom of this. She is going to respect you for it if she has any scruples at all, and if she doesn't you will find out soon enough. I am betting though that both of you will come to an understanding of how manipulative he has been to both of you. All his power has rested upon keeping the two of you apart. When that power has been removed, you just watch this guy go from Mr. Calm and Arrogant to Mr. Something Else.
You don't reason with a manipulator. You give them choices. Those choices have to be enforceable. Never make empty threats. If you aren't prepared to follow through, don't say it. But don't waste your breath arguing, pleading, or trying to convince them. Set the condition and shut up. No matter how much effort they put into trying to wear you down - the conversation is closed. The only thing a manipulator understands is consequences.

Instead of paying thousands of dollars, being separated quite awhile and still wait my time before applying for citizenship, I should have just snuck across the border on an election year and I'd be a citizen by now.

He was just being a friend. Gyms have sturdy tables and benches for ankle therapy. I've heard many times in this thread from women that men and women can be friends. In fact I bet she has lots of male friends willing to meet her anywhere at anytime. The poor girl hurt her ankle, this guy being a renowned expert in ankle injuries and one of her many best male friends offered to assist her while he was at the gym after hours, getting his swell on. Seems innocent enough to me, I mean even if the OP met this girl, he'd still have done this. I mean come on they're just friends and he's one of THE rarest finds and can be just friends with a smoking hot, sexy woman with no alternative agenda at all.
Put yourself in the OP's husband's shoes. Suppose your a masseuse who was lounging around in your bikini all day and the hottest of your many, bestest male friends was having upper thigh and lower abdominal, uh, spasms...wouldn't you offer to go straight to his house and remove his clothes so you could rub him the right way, while his gf or wife isn't there?
Disclaimer: The above statement is dripping in sarcasm.
OP you know what's going on. My advice: run, don't walk away.

The federal government does recognize my marriage. Immigration discrimination wouldn't occur if the feds weren't in the business of marriage - they don't recognize many legal marriages that are recognized by the state a person resides in (ie: marriages between two people of the same sex). I also get tax benefits from the IRS recognizing my marriage - also benefits that the federal government chooses to deny some married couples. Validation and recognition are two different things. The federal government sees a same-sex married couple legally as complete strangers while they see my wife and I as a family - you can't tell me that the federal government treats us the same or just follows state law when that's not the case.
You don't have room to talk because you are benefiting from the government recognizing your marriage. Regardless of your personal belief that government should stay out of marriage completely (which I actually agree with 100% in an ideal world), you are gaining a benefit from the federal government acknowledging a familial relationship between you and your spouse. I would not have thought twice about moving to Canada to be with my spouse. We chose the U.S. because it made more sense for us, not because our relationship depended upon it.
Regardless, gay people should not be held to a different standard than straight people. Even if there is some ideal of getting rid of the concept of civil marriage completely, that is not the world we live in. Even if you could get contracts to give you all the benefits of marriage (which you can't - immigration and taxes being 2 of those) or move to another country to be with your spouse, gay people should not face that burden when straight people do not. It's all kind of irrelevant when it comes down to that - the government should not force gay people to jump through a million hoops that straight people don't have to jump through. It's that simple. You're arguing against civil marriage in general, but since you can't accomplish that, you're arguing that some people should not have the right to access marriage at all.

Your marriage isn't recognized by the Federal government. It's recognized by the state you live in. The government requires proof from the state to process your application. They don't vaidate anything unless they suspect it's a sham. All they really are looking for is proof that a serious relationship exists. The Feds aren't in the marriage business, nor do they want to be.
Contracts do provide for everything. They provide for as much or as little as you want them to. I do have plenty of room to talk because I have been a proponent for years of getting marriage away from government entirely. Your sexual orientation doesn't matter. Marriage is none of the government's damn business and it sure as hell isn't the business of the Feds.
Also you say you could not have lived HERE, but what about there? Ever think about that. On top of that there are plenty of other visas out there to get into this country with. You don't need a K1 or CR1 to do it with.

#1 - you need to spend a little more time around here before calling me a homophobe. Calling me a homophobe makes you look like an idiot.
#2 - The last time I checked moving to the United States wasn't the only option. Rememebr your spouse has a home that he/she comes from. The fact that you (or they) are unwilling to move to where you two can be together speaks volumes of that relationship. If you truly love each other, you make do with the cards that were dealt to you or you find a way to be together elsewhere. When there's a will there's a way.

I see, so you need the government to write a contract for you? You don't have the ability to do this on your own?
I can write a will and testament and leave my property to whomever I wish. I don't need the government to tell me how to do that.
The moment you ask for government to be involved in your life, is the moment you're going to be discriminated against in one way or another. Be it on race, gender, creed, etc..

and you need government to tell you this? You need government to validate how you feel about someone?
Kind of pathetic if that's the case.

Why aren't all these states allowing polygamy now?
If gays are allowed to get married, why can't someone have multiple partners?

English only please outside of the regional forums.

I'm going to assume that you're a young woman in her 20's-or early 30's. No offense intended, but you sound a little naive about men. It's the nature of the beast for men to "...listen to their johnsons before their brains" especially for younger men who are more likely to surrender in that constant battle between doing the right thing (using the brain) and pleasing the flesh by listening to their "johnsons."
I specially point out "young men" because they have yet to learn how to balance between a healthy level of testosterone, fidelity and character. All men come equipped with a "johnson," testosterone and a brain, the difference between those that cheat and those that don't is simply...character.
It's way more complex than a simplistic "...they listen to their johnsons before their brains"
Attraction and affairs have and always will be a real potential when men (or a man) and women (or a woman) associate with each other, it was that way 500 hundred years ago and it'll be that way 500 hundred years from now. So when you say, "It's very sad that some people in this day and age don't have the power to just say "no" to their gentials." basic human nature has not changed.

Then why be friends with them? We have our male buddies to talk to and hang out with. The only time a guy would be hanging with a girl is the hope he can bang her and/or her hot friend. No other reason. Companionship: get a dog, confidant should only be your wife, a female perspective: mom, aunt, cousin and/or sister.
Watch the video I posted on the first page EVERY guy said no they can't be friends and would definitely bang the "friend." Every girl admitted that yes their guy friends would jump at the chance to hit that and knew that the guys were attracted to them. I believe it is the women who are disillusioned and living in an idealistic fantasy world. Having plenty of buddies, from being married(twice) and having sister's, we know that most women enjoy the attention of male friends; even though they know that the guy is only hanging with them and buying them things and taking them out, because the guy has an ulterior motive.
Most times once a guy puts the move on or expresses his feeling and the girl has absolutely 0 interest in him, the friendship either fades away or he will keep plugging along hoping she changes her mind. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss!

I would disagree with your reasoning on why men fall into affairs but no need to debate that here. The reason why men fall into affairs is complex and varies on a case by case basis depending upon the people involved and the situations. Your generalized reasoning does not do the issue of "why men cheat" any serious justice. In this thread, only the OP, her husband and this other female know what the real deal is.
I know myself, I am better off not having close companionships with women I am attracted too, full stop, your mileage may vary. Women are intoxicating for me, it is necessary for me to limit my exposure to this temptation for the health and longevity of my marriage, I am aware of this. This reasoning goes for any temptation that comes upon a man, just got to deal with it prudently.
You seem very confident in your fidelity strength without the need to have boundaries, more power to you! I am not as confident in the flesh as you are.
Take care...

I hear you, best hopes to you, to each his own, I have witnessed some of my buddys have affairs, read and heard about many more, having close companionships with persons of the opposite sex that they are attracted too (Calling, texting, doing lunch, having drinks etc) never lead to anything good, I have yet to witness a marriage (monogamous) where this has lead to anything good, but best hopes with that for you, anyways, my wife would not have any of that, I knew that going in, that would push her to her limits, I can just imagine my wife now with me having "companionship" with a hotty, yeah right, jejejejeje....

Well, it is not every female friend, just the ones a man is attracted too that are of concern.....his heart, mind and soul may not want to bag them, but naturally, his body may want it, just because a man gets married, it does not stop the natural laws of attraction....
I would wager you are not attracted to these females that you have "companionship" with, if you are, I would offer words of caution...given the right situation, right circumstances, attraction, a willing female....and, well....that is how an affair begins....
Personally, I do not develop friendships with women I am attracted to (with the exception of my wife of course), I keep them as conocidos, acquittances, just my personal rule to keep me away from dangerous roads. I am not attracted to any of my female friends, they are truly, just friends, when my wife gets to the US, I will be happy to introduce her to them. Just sayin....the situation the OP describes is sketchy at best....not the way a guy behaves with a female that is just a "friend"...

I LOVE this video!!! hahahaha! So true!
COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE when one is married! And NO, you are NOT over-reacting!

Men and women can be friends? Not if he finds them attractive, or unless the man is gay, in which case he's probably interested in your husband.
Men can be faithful to their partners. But don't confuse being faithful, from not being attracted. If a straight guy is hanging out with an attractive (to him) woman for any length of time, it's because he sees her as a potential conquest. Period. Either actively, or being groomed for future conquest.
I understand this isn't the politically correct answer, but only someone who is trying to misdirect you will tell you anything different.
I have never cheated on a girlfriend in my life, a fact of which I'm very proud.
But the only women who were only friends from my standpoint, were ones I didn't find attractive.
The people who are saying the issue is lying or minimizing are right on the money. This is the biggest issue. The man may have trouble cutting ties from former flames or girls in the bullpen, but tough.
You won the race. There are no more tryouts for the team.
Marital counseling possibly? He needs to understand this is an issue. Even if there is no cheating. Honesty is the key!

so the majority of Californians are the American Taliban?
I mean many of us have thought this for decades, but never seen a lefty say it out loud.

Sorry you are going through this, hopefully it's innocent...but sometimes where there's smoke; there's fire. The above video has some truth to it though.

Just an opinion from from real life experience and advice from a friend. My ex-wife ( not ex at the time) was talking to a man I didn't know. I found some cards etc. were exchanged and in my gut, I felt like something was wrong but, was not sure and I wanted to trust her. I confided in a woman I worked with and she said " if this man was just a friend, tell her to introduce you to him and maybe we could get to know each other" Well, after I told her this, she confessed that it was an affair. I think that if you want a good relationship, you should at least know of all the friends the other has, you might not become friends with them but, you will at least know if they have something going on or not. It is very difficult to hide feelings in person. Just my 2 cents. And I do believe it is very difficult for men to be just friends with a woman......the men almost always want more then just friendship

Towards the end of my first marriage my wife was communicating with a ale co-worker behind my back. This was before everyone had cell phones so she was using the home phone.
If I answered when he called he would just hang-up. Once I hit *69 and called him back, he was freaked-out to say the least.
I confronted her and explained that I have no problem with her having male friends but if they are just in it for friendship then they'll respect me as her husband by introducing them-self to me. He never did...
To be honest, our marriage was already on the rocks but I was trying to see if it was salvageable at that time. Just a few weeks later she disappeared for 3 days (yep my daughters and I had no idea where she was and she almost lost her job for no shows). Turns out she was with him! Ended up in bed and everything. At that point I figured they did me a favor because that was when I knew there was no going back.
If you want to get to the bottom if it, either contact her directly or tell him to contact her and invite her to the house for dinner. If she's just a friend that won't be a problem but if there's more you'll pick it up in their body language when in the same room.

meh. Komen is useless. They've done plenty for "awareness" but jack ####### for actual research. The fact that they waste over a million dollars paying their attorneys to sue smaller charities is why I don't support their cause.
Who gives a ####### what they choose to donate to otherwise though...