To divorce or not to divorce

[GorillaBear 0]

Hi all,

I'm currently about 9 months removed from jointly lifting conditions on my CR1. My wife and I have been married for just over a year (14 months), and have been involved for about 2-2.5 years. I moved to the US to be with her about a year ago. In the last few months, she has started feeling unhappy with the relationship. She feels that because she made the decision to marry me when she was going through a clinical depression, that she didn't make the right choice in partner. She feels that we are too different to be married, and that she'd rather be married to someone more like herself (she has actually said the next person she marries will be a twin of herself!). I on the other hand, have a slightly different philosophy on marriage, and I think everything can be worked through, and I would do anything to have kept our marriage. Regardless of how I feel however, she's made her mind up that she won't pursue a life together with me. As a consequence, we separated about a month ago, and I am now living full time in the Bay area (I used to commute up here for work regularly from LA).

My wife (I am referring to her as my wife as we are still legally married), is willing to stay legally married until I remove my conditions, even though she has decided that she won't pursue a life with me. At first I hadn't fully accepted this, so I thought that perhaps there might still be some reconciliation possible, hence I was willing to stay married and keep our financial affairs jointly. I have discovered, however, that she is already seeing somebody else and even did a trip to London last week to visit this guy. She hasn't informed me of this, and I found out accidentally, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she might be trying to protect my feelings.

Although she might be trying to protect my feelings, her income is irregular, in that she works as a freelancer and not always working full time. In fact, she has now been jobless for about a month or two. So I feel that I should probably move the divorce forward because I don't want to have to support her financially if she's seeing somebody else (She just did a trip to London for a week that she didn't tell me about and a large phone bill, > $1000 some of which is due to talking with this guy on the phone).

I realize that if a divorce is finalized in the next 9 months, I will have to apply for a waiver on joint removal based on entering the marriage in good faith. The marriage genuinely was entered in good faith, and in fact I would have done anything to preserve it, however, as we all know, we can't control how somebody else thinks.

I have the following proof of co-mingling of our lives:

* Joint tax return for 2006 (and probably will do 2007 together if we aren't divorced before January)

* Joint back accounts, with a savings account with a reasonably large sum that's been building up since we've been together

* Phone bills all coming to the same address (even now)

* Both on the same car insurance

* Health insurance with the same provider (unfortunately not joint due to a number of circumstances, had intended it to be, but switching onto the same one was going to be problematic)

* Photos from various events, eg Christmas with her family last year, Halloween, at a friend's wedding, at our one year anniversary with friends etc

* Proof of her various pre-marriage debts being paid off jointly (knocked her credit card debt from over $10000 to around $5000)

* No joint lease as her place is rent controlled so we didn't want the rent upped just to have our names on it. Ironically, the residence I'm living at in the Bay area is in both our names, but our official residence is in LA, so I don't think I'd use this as part of the proof. To cut a long story short, she was willing to move up here when I first came to the US, but then changed her mind. Since I was the only one of us with a full time job, I didn't want to quit and take a big pay cut especially with all the bills she had.

* All correspondence/official addresses are for the place in LA

I don't know if this enough proof to go it alone, especially as we don't have any children and not much in the form of joint financial liability (I have a philosophy of not loading up with debt except only to buy a house, and I was planning on paying off her debts before doing anything like that which would have taken us past next year). I entered this marriage to be her partner, I sacrificed quite a bit to move to the US, and I have set up a good life here, so I don't want to have to make major changes again because she has issues with making a commitment.

I'm open to advice from board members, and I'm also looking for a reference to an immigration lawyer in the Bay area that is familiar with this kind of situation.

I should also mention that even if we were to get a divorce, my wife is willing to write an affidavit that our marriage is/was genuine if I happen to go the waiver route. By the way, she doesn't know that I know she's been seeing somebody else. I'm not trying to use it against her, I just feel that I shouldn't be a part of something where she doesn't feel the way about me that I do about her. I also don't want to have to support her financially if she is already involved with somebody else (if I haven't said it explicitly in my post, I earn more than her, and her expenses are more than mine to the point that she is not contributing enough in salary just to pay her regular bills, let alone her grocery and entertainment bills). I was willing to make sure she's not stranded, and I'd probably still help her get by if necessary, but there's got to be a limit. She's terrible in organizing her finances, and since she's not interested in a partnership, I don't see why I should have to help her out with that.

Sorry about writing a novel in the post, but any advice would be appreciated.

[justagirl 0]

Unbelieveble!!! So you support her expenses for a little more, she sticks arround to remove the conditions from your card. But if you have to support her struggle to come out of the depression, well, that'a another story. Obviously you have some kind of blackmail or "understanding" over with your wife. What exactly do you want? What help? You are in good shape there, buddy, keep on going the road your going...chinn up and release the "victim" behaviour...we all know you're the hunter here! Let others who realy need help, write.

[justagirl 0]

Set up a fix sum with her and make her sign a contract stating that she can only get this money if she doesn't move on with her life! If she breakes the lease, take it to USCIS...show them how aufful she is

[jburge97 0]

Unbelieveble!!! So you support her expenses for a little more, she sticks arround to remove the conditions from your card. But if you have to support her struggle to come out of the depression, well, that'a another story. Obviously you have some kind of blackmail or "understanding" over with your wife. What exactly do you want? What help? You are in good shape there, buddy, keep on going the road your going...chinn up and release the "victim" behaviour...we all know you're the hunter here! Let others who realy need help, write.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Hi all,

I'm currently about 9 months removed from jointly lifting conditions on my CR1. My wife and I have been married for just over a year (14 months), and have been involved for about 2-2.5 years. I moved to the US to be with her about a year ago. In the last few months, she has started feeling unhappy with the relationship. She feels that because she made the decision to marry me when she was going through a clinical depression, that she didn't make the right choice in partner. She feels that we are too different to be married, and that she'd rather be married to someone more like herself (she has actually said the next person she marries will be a twin of herself!). I on the other hand, have a slightly different philosophy on marriage, and I think everything can be worked through, and I would do anything to have kept our marriage. Regardless of how I feel however, she's made her mind up that she won't pursue a life together with me. As a consequence, we separated about a month ago, and I am now living full time in the Bay area (I used to commute up here for work regularly from LA).

My wife (I am referring to her as my wife as we are still legally married), is willing to stay legally married until I remove my conditions, even though she has decided that she won't pursue a life with me. At first I hadn't fully accepted this, so I thought that perhaps there might still be some reconciliation possible, hence I was willing to stay married and keep our financial affairs jointly. I have discovered, however, that she is already seeing somebody else and even did a trip to London last week to visit this guy. She hasn't informed me of this, and I found out accidentally, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she might be trying to protect my feelings.

Although she might be trying to protect my feelings, her income is irregular, in that she works as a freelancer and not always working full time. In fact, she has now been jobless for about a month or two. So I feel that I should probably move the divorce forward because I don't want to have to support her financially if she's seeing somebody else (She just did a trip to London for a week that she didn't tell me about and a large phone bill, > $1000 some of which is due to talking with this guy on the phone).

I realize that if a divorce is finalized in the next 9 months, I will have to apply for a waiver on joint removal based on entering the marriage in good faith. The marriage genuinely was entered in good faith, and in fact I would have done anything to preserve it, however, as we all know, we can't control how somebody else thinks.

I have the following proof of co-mingling of our lives:

* Joint tax return for 2006 (and probably will do 2007 together if we aren't divorced before January)

* Joint back accounts, with a savings account with a reasonably large sum that's been building up since we've been together

* Phone bills all coming to the same address (even now)

* Both on the same car insurance

* Health insurance with the same provider (unfortunately not joint due to a number of circumstances, had intended it to be, but switching onto the same one was going to be problematic)

* Photos from various events, eg Christmas with her family last year, Halloween, at a friend's wedding, at our one year anniversary with friends etc

* Proof of her various pre-marriage debts being paid off jointly (knocked her credit card debt from over $10000 to around $5000)

* No joint lease as her place is rent controlled so we didn't want the rent upped just to have our names on it. Ironically, the residence I'm living at in the Bay area is in both our names, but our official residence is in LA, so I don't think I'd use this as part of the proof. To cut a long story short, she was willing to move up here when I first came to the US, but then changed her mind. Since I was the only one of us with a full time job, I didn't want to quit and take a big pay cut especially with all the bills she had.

* All correspondence/official addresses are for the place in LA

I don't know if this enough proof to go it alone, especially as we don't have any children and not much in the form of joint financial liability (I have a philosophy of not loading up with debt except only to buy a house, and I was planning on paying off her debts before doing anything like that which would have taken us past next year). I entered this marriage to be her partner, I sacrificed quite a bit to move to the US, and I have set up a good life here, so I don't want to have to make major changes again because she has issues with making a commitment.

I'm open to advice from board members, and I'm also looking for a reference to an immigration lawyer in the Bay area that is familiar with this kind of situation.

I should also mention that even if we were to get a divorce, my wife is willing to write an affidavit that our marriage is/was genuine if I happen to go the waiver route. By the way, she doesn't know that I know she's been seeing somebody else. I'm not trying to use it against her, I just feel that I shouldn't be a part of something where she doesn't feel the way about me that I do about her. I also don't want to have to support her financially if she is already involved with somebody else (if I haven't said it explicitly in my post, I earn more than her, and her expenses are more than mine to the point that she is not contributing enough in salary just to pay her regular bills, let alone her grocery and entertainment bills). I was willing to make sure she's not stranded, and I'd probably still help her get by if necessary, but there's got to be a limit. She's terrible in organizing her finances, and since she's not interested in a partnership, I don't see why I should have to help her out with that.

Sorry about writing a novel in the post, but any advice would be appreciated.

Check out the California divorce laws to see what you might or might not be responsible for in the way of spousal support, before taking a step in that realm and dealing with the immigration consequences. As far as I know, and perhaps California is different, but 'seeing another person' is not sufficient grounds to obviate financial support from a better-earning spouse, if the Court sees she;s fit to receive some.

[Nearly Done 8]

Unbelieveble!!! So you support her expenses for a little more, she sticks arround to remove the conditions from your card. But if you have to support her struggle to come out of the depression, well, that'a another story. Obviously you have some kind of blackmail or "understanding" over with your wife. What exactly do you want? What help? You are in good shape there, buddy, keep on going the road your going...chinn up and release the "victim" behaviour...we all know you're the hunter here! Let others who realy need help, write.

#######??? did I just read his post totally different to the way you did!!

To the OP goodluck. and keep any evidence you may have of her affair in case you have to file a waiver when you come to remove conditions.

[GorillaBear 0]

Perhaps there is some misunderstanding, so I'll try to elaborate a little.

Since my wife's income tends to be of a non-regular nature, I felt that I shouldn't totally abandon her cold turkey since we have been in a relationship for a number of years, and she is (has been?) my friend. I also thought it'd be easier to simply wait until my conditions were removed before having to deal with the whole divorce issue rather than try to tackle both problems at once. There's no blackmail or anything like that going on (although I have a feeling that she'll come to realize that I was doing a pretty good job of organizing finances and without my help she's going to have to pull her own weight a lot quicker and that might cause some panic). I guess there's a bit of a victim thing on my part going on, but I like to look at is not kicking her completely on her ###. I know where I hold the reins here in other words.

She hasn't tried to trump me (yet!) by trying to use her position as the USC to coerce me. I also am not using the knowledge of her new relationship over her, in fact I've never mentioned it. I just feel that if she wants to move on this quickly, so be it, I don't need to do anything for her anymore. No bitterness, I'm just getting out.

My situation at the moment is trying to figure out if I have enough to do a joint filing waiver, or should I hold off on divorce proceedings until after my conditions are removed. California also requires you to wait 6 months after filing for legal separation before they grant the divorce, so there's some practical issues involved given that in around 9 months I reach the 90 day period. Thus I have to act soon if I want to go the waiver route. I realize that if we are in the midst of separation during the 90 day window, we can do a joint filing, and then do a waiver of joint filing once the divorce comes through, but I'm trying to avoid that rigmarole.

Thanks for all the input so far. I'm trying to get in touch with an immigration attorney at the moment. If any of you have been in similar situations, I would appreciate any input.

Thanks

[GorillaBear 0]

Hi all,

I'm currently about 9 months removed from jointly lifting conditions on my CR1. My wife and I have been married for just over a year (14 months), and

Sorry about writing a novel in the post, but any advice would be appreciated.

Check out the California divorce laws to see what you might or might not be responsible for in the way of spousal support, before taking a step in that realm and dealing with the immigration consequences. As far as I know, and perhaps California is different, but 'seeing another person' is not sufficient grounds to obviate financial support from a better-earning spouse, if the Court sees she;s fit to receive some.

You're right about that, I did look into that, although it was more to see if she had any rights over my overseas assets which she doesn't apparently (according to California law, separate property always remains separate unless its brought into the community which I never did). I highly doubt she wants to touch any of that, or ask for some sort of ongoing support like alimony, her concern if anything, would be the next few months. Hopefully none of these are words spoken too soon! I should note that we're both quite young (~30) with no kids so its not like she wouldn't be able to take care of herself.

[Dr. ZoSo 0]

Hi all,

I'm currently about 9 months removed from jointly lifting conditions on my CR1. My wife and I have been married for just over a year (14 months), and

Sorry about writing a novel in the post, but any advice would be appreciated.

Check out the California divorce laws to see what you might or might not be responsible for in the way of spousal support, before taking a step in that realm and dealing with the immigration consequences. As far as I know, and perhaps California is different, but 'seeing another person' is not sufficient grounds to obviate financial support from a better-earning spouse, if the Court sees she;s fit to receive some.

You're right about that, I did look into that, although it was more to see if she had any rights over my overseas assets which she doesn't apparently (according to California law, separate property always remains separate unless its brought into the community which I never did). I highly doubt she wants to touch any of that, or ask for some sort of ongoing support like alimony, her concern if anything, would be the next few months. Hopefully none of these are words spoken too soon! I should note that we're both quite young (~30) with no kids so its not like she wouldn't be able to take care of herself.

Sorry to dig up an old post, but is sounds to me like she's the predator in the relationship.

First she snatched you from your country, and now she is after a brit!

RUN AWAY!