Do You Yearn for a Man in Your Past?

[RandyandRina 2]

I knew someone who have been dating for 10 years, they are each other's first love. After those years, they got married just because they are so used to each other that they just decided to marry. This is one of that "secretly married" in my country. In turned out after just months of 'marriage', they end up in other people's arms.

[radsr2002 0]

This was a great post and a good read.

Denial is not a river in egypt.

If a guy is not comming around, he has for sure lost interest.

[Fandango 1,440]

I actually agree with a fair bit of the article such as finding happiness from within and whatnot....and I also believe in the notion of 'he's just not into you'...because I think if a man OR woman wants something, (s)he will pursue it with vigor.

But I have problems with the rest!

(eta: this is all from the same paragraph, just broken up for me to interject along the way)

* Why A Man Marries A Woman

Whenever a courtship goes beyond 4 years without a marriage, there is a reason for it.

well that kinda goes without sayin, doesn't it?

Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

This is bullsh!t sexism right here.....case in point: D and I are together 8 years this January. While yes, it's true that he did propose before the end of the first year...we've been together all this time and it hasn't been about him 'not wanting to marry this particular woman'. The author insinuates that all women are these lactating bridezillas in waiting, and that's just #######.

Oh, was it the reverse that I didn't wanna get married to that particular man? Not a chance in this world. I just didn't want to get married. We lived together, shared our lives together....at that point...to me it was like why get married...what would it change? Absolutely nothing. I felt just as committed to him then as I do now that we're planning the wedding.

A man in a situation may even propose marriage to placate the woman. This is a common technique that buys a man more time, although he has not intention of marrying her. Like I said above, a man who wants to marry a woman will not stall, he'll do it and do it within 1-4 years. If it goes beyond that, you can bet you are not the one he wants to marry.

I am going to recommend two very good books to help you understand why men marry, and in your case, why they choose not to: 1. "Why Men Marry: Insights from men about what makes them ready for marriage" by A.T. Langford and 2. "What Men Want" by Gerstman, Pizzo, and Seldes. Each book gives wonderful insights into the male psyche and why he dates certain women and why he decides to marry one woman over others.

What's bad about these books is that they don't allow a woman to delude herself about a man's behavior. What the authors say may hurt. This because they will make your fantasy go up in smoke when you read the truth behind your ex's behavior.

I am caveman, hear me roar! RWAR! Again, sexist bullsh!t right here. I don't believe men are from 'mars' and women are from 'venus'...we're all from the same fricken planet and many of us share the same goals, fears, values, etc. Yes I'm sure there are men who don't want to marry.....just like there are women who don't want to marry either. This aint the 50s anymore...

The majority of woman have an ex who holds a dear place in their hearts, especially if it's a first boyfriend. No other man will ever be able to live up to that measure of perfection, nor should he. This is because it was a first love.

cue the romantic bullsh!t here.

Edited September 26, 2007 by LisaD

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

This is bullsh!t sexism right here.....case in point: D and I are together 8 years this January. While yes, it's true that he did propose before the end of the first year...we've been together all this time and it hasn't been about him 'not wanting to marry this particular woman'. The author insinuates that all women are these lactating bridezillas in waiting, and that's just #######.

Oh, was it the reverse that I didn't wanna get married to that particular man? Not a chance in this world. I just didn't want to get married. We lived together, shared our lives together....at that point...to me it was like why get married...what would it change? Absolutely nothing. I felt just as committed to him then as I do now that we're planning the wedding.

I agree that it seems overbearing - like the author says it with this authoritative certainty. Perhaps she was trying to give the woman some sense of closure being that she was in this sort of emotional turmoil - wasn't sure if she loved her husband the way she did with ex? I'm wondering what the statistics are in terms of marriages that last - whether the number of years together prior to being married is ever a plus or a minus? I remember reading some statistics on couples who lived together prior to getting married have a high divorce rate, but I'm not sure how it compares with couples who didn't.

[radsr2002 0]

Basically all it means is that the man does not want to marry that particular woman. Many men will continue dating a woman even if he never plans to marry her. This can go on for years because it's comfortable to him and he also gets his needs met by staying with one woman. A woman will construe this to mean that they are heading for marriage eventually.

This is bullsh!t sexism right here.....case in point: D and I are together 8 years this January. While yes, it's true that he did propose before the end of the first year...we've been together all this time and it hasn't been about him 'not wanting to marry this particular woman'. The author insinuates that all women are these lactating bridezillas in waiting, and that's just #######.

Oh, was it the reverse that I didn't wanna get married to that particular man? Not a chance in this world. I just didn't want to get married. We lived together, shared our lives together....at that point...to me it was like why get married...what would it change? Absolutely nothing. I felt just as committed to him then as I do now that we're planning the wedding.

I agree that it seems overbearing - like the author says it with this authoritative certainty. Perhaps she was trying to give the woman some sense of closure being that she was in this sort of emotional turmoil - wasn't sure if she loved her husband the way she did with ex? I'm wondering what the statistics are in terms of marriages that last - whether the number of years together prior to being married is ever a plus or a minus? I remember reading some statistics on couples who lived together prior to getting married have a high divorce rate, but I'm not sure how it compares with couples who didn't.

LOL case in point the writer was a she.....

[Jaseball 0]

I don't think it is sexist. It's just a fact that women from 22-33 are in their 'prime,' if the male and female want to have kids. Guys on average have a better chance to age better and even though the cougar concept is popular and makes sense it isn't like that 45 year old, possibly divorced mother with kids already, is going to want to have her 25 year old boy toy father any offspring.

My own belief is even 4 years together is too long, IF one of the people in the relationship wants to get married. I'd date a girl for no more than 2 years before asking her to marry me or I'd cut bait and find someone new.

Not everyone fits into certain molds or expectations. My sister dated a guy for 8+ years and I think they must have broke up 5+ times. I always thought he was just stringing her along, but she says he mentioned proposing several times, but never did so because she wasn't in the marrying mindset and probably would have turned him down. She also said she was the one who broke things off usually.

See, even in my own family that relationship violates several of my personal relationship rules.

1) Dating someone for over 2 years without proposing

2) Getting back with an ex even once is taboo for me

To each his or her own. The best each of us can do is try to truly understand ourselves and do our best to really dig out who our partners really are and see if we're a good fit.

[Fandango 1,440]

I agree that it seems overbearing - like the author says it with this authoritative certainty. Perhaps she was trying to give the woman some sense of closure being that she was in this sort of emotional turmoil - wasn't sure if she loved her husband the way she did with ex? I'm wondering what the statistics are in terms of marriages that last - whether the number of years together prior to being married is ever a plus or a minus? I remember reading some statistics on couples who lived together prior to getting married have a high divorce rate, but I'm not sure how it compares with couples who didn't.

When it comes to marriage, I don't feel there's any formula or statistics to 'prove' anything, really. As far as what this woman was trying to achieve in this article? Who knows? But she put forth an article that should have the women of today hurling in disgust into their briefcases

As to the woman in the article, if I were her husband and I got wind of this, I'd divorce her disloyal azz quicker than you could say 'tickety boo'

LOL case in point the writer was a she.....

women can be stuck in a sexist timewarp too, dur

[Ban Hammer 14,200]

my sister was in a similar situation - ltr and no proposal - and my dad told her "why buy the cow when the milk is free""

and no, that didn't go over too well

[Jasman0717 9]

Hummmmm.....wonder if Claudeth is pining away for the German

[Fandango 1,440]

It's funny cos I tend to be conservative...but at the end of the day....if a marriage can be broken apart...what is the difference between committing with your heart, and committing by law? Aside from the obvious legal benefits....one is not more secure than the other.

[Ban Hammer 14,200]

Hummmmm.....wonder if Claudeth is pining away for the German

ask her.

[Jaseball 0]

It's funny cos I tend to be conservative...but at the end of the day....if a marriage can be broken apart...what is the difference between committing with your heart, and committing by law? Aside from the obvious legal benefits....one is not more secure than the other.

Actually with family law and the way American courts lean against the father I'd say there is almost no advantage as a guy to marry if you have a certain mindset.

It's far better to nail different women and dump the ones who really start to get on your nerves. Spend your time, energy, and money on your own pursuits, so much less responsibility, less worries, and if you're not committed to a single person you can have different women several times a month.

[Fandango 1,440]

It's funny cos I tend to be conservative...but at the end of the day....if a marriage can be broken apart...what is the difference between committing with your heart, and committing by law? Aside from the obvious legal benefits....one is not more secure than the other.

Actually with family law and the way American courts lean against the father I'd say there is almost no advantage as a guy to marry if you have a certain mindset.

It's far better to nail different women and dump the ones who really start to get on your nerves. Spend your time, energy, and money on your own pursuits, so much less responsibility, less worries, and if you're not committed to a single person you can have different women several times a month.

You sooooooooo missed that point entirely.

[Jaseball 0]

It's funny cos I tend to be conservative...but at the end of the day....if a marriage can be broken apart...what is the difference between committing with your heart, and committing by law? Aside from the obvious legal benefits....one is not more secure than the other.

Actually with family law and the way American courts lean against the father I'd say there is almost no advantage as a guy to marry if you have a certain mindset.

It's far better to nail different women and dump the ones who really start to get on your nerves. Spend your time, energy, and money on your own pursuits, so much less responsibility, less worries, and if you're not committed to a single person you can have different women several times a month.

You sooooooooo missed that point entirely.

Enlighten me.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It's funny cos I tend to be conservative...but at the end of the day....if a marriage can be broken apart...what is the difference between committing with your heart, and committing by law? Aside from the obvious legal benefits....one is not more secure than the other.

I agree to a point, but I think there's something to the act of marriage - the ceremony...standing before family and friends and both people professing their committed love for one another that is incomparable no matter how committed a non-married couple may be.