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grapenoodle

Story Time / What’s your story? 💞

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Hi everyone, my husband and I really aren’t doing too well. I’m glad we have each other but we’re both struggling. I’ve tried my best to be really positive through this whole process but I’m close to breaking point so thought I would share our story and invite others to share so we can offload and all be in this together. Definitely not wanting to be overly negative but I know we’re all feeling pent up emotions and that’s okay. I feel like it’s healthier to get them out! 

 

We married in the US in 2018 but came to the UK 8 months later for my pregnancy. Our baby was born here last November. My husband is here as a visitor so he can’t work. I have been running a business full (over) time to support the three of us. My husband’s grandmother has cancer and is dying. His family have only seen our son for three weeks earlier this year which was unbearable for me being separated from him so I’m really resistant to it happening again. They are all desperate to see him as a baby he’s changing every day. 
 

I’m burnt out and exhausted. My husband is depressed and without purpose or real friends over here. He has struggled to adjust to living outside of the US but there’s no way he would want to go back alone without me or our son (he also looks after him all day while I work so it isn’t practical). 
 

We had our own place initially but when the lease was up we were reluctant to get tied into another one because we know we’re not staying so we’re with my family which is less than ideal.
 

I’m so grateful the three of us are together but we feel trapped and it’s taking a toll on our mental health – and after reading that it’s currently taking 5 months after DQ to get an interview, feels like another knock back. 
 

It’s also worth adding that I have not lived in the UK for this long since I was 16 years old as I’ve been living in different countries and adventuring which obviously isn’t easy right now due to COVID (trust me, we’d be in Bali otherwise and I’m very close to taking us all to Mexico LOL). This hasn’t felt like home to me in a long time so feels like we’re both losing 😞

 

Leaving the US seemed like the right thing to do at the time (I was concerned about healthcare, cost of living in LA and family support while I was pregnant) but at this point, honestly, I regret it. 

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Hi, really sorry to hear that you are struggling. I can relate to feeling burnt out and exhausted as a front line worker in the NHS. I think it's really important to however be realistic, given the current situation with the pandemic and travelling. Its heartbreaking that your husband's grandmother is passing away but I don't think it's logical to travel with an infant baby for this, especially when you are struggling already. I would advise relying on face time and Skyping. Many people are losing their loved ones without being able to see each other. I don't think in this current time we are able to truly attend to everyone's needs. 

 

Try and look after yourself, physically and mentally alongside your husband and wait out the visa unless you can afford to travel and feel that it is feasible and safe to do so. Keep strong.

 

I would advise also requesting an expedite with the current situation and maybe highlight your husband's desire to return and the effect it has on his mental health, as the petitioner, as well as the situation with his grandmother. Good luck.

 

Just to add- I am currently counting down the days till I travel one way to my husband as soon as my work notice period ends. I'm not sure how home sick I will be once I make the move, but after a 10yr long distance relationship- I am more than ready to start married life with my husband. 

Edited by Xyrstine
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2 hours ago, grapenoodle said:

Hi everyone, my husband and I really aren’t doing too well. I’m glad we have each other but we’re both struggling. I’ve tried my best to be really positive through this whole process but I’m close to breaking point so thought I would share our story and invite others to share so we can offload and all be in this together. Definitely not wanting to be overly negative but I know we’re all feeling pent up emotions and that’s okay. I feel like it’s healthier to get them out! 

 

We married in the US in 2018 but came to the UK 8 months later for my pregnancy. Our baby was born here last November. My husband is here as a visitor so he can’t work. I have been running a business full (over) time to support the three of us. My husband’s grandmother has cancer and is dying. His family have only seen our son for three weeks earlier this year which was unbearable for me being separated from him so I’m really resistant to it happening again. They are all desperate to see him as a baby he’s changing every day. 
 

I’m burnt out and exhausted. My husband is depressed and without purpose or real friends over here. He has struggled to adjust to living outside of the US but there’s no way he would want to go back alone without me or our son (he also looks after him all day while I work so it isn’t practical). 
 

We had our own place initially but when the lease was up we were reluctant to get tied into another one because we know we’re not staying so we’re with my family which is less than ideal.
 

I’m so grateful the three of us are together but we feel trapped and it’s taking a toll on our mental health – and after reading that it’s currently taking 5 months after DQ to get an interview, feels like another knock back. 
 

It’s also worth adding that I have not lived in the UK for this long since I was 16 years old as I’ve been living in different countries and adventuring which obviously isn’t easy right now due to COVID (trust me, we’d be in Bali otherwise and I’m very close to taking us all to Mexico LOL). This hasn’t felt like home to me in a long time so feels like we’re both losing 😞

 

Leaving the US seemed like the right thing to do at the time (I was concerned about healthcare, cost of living in LA and family support while I was pregnant) but at this point, honestly, I regret it. 

Hey there!

 

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re having a bad time. I can empathize on so many levels, though I can’t begin to imagine that difficulty that a young child and a sick loved one adds to your situation. 

 

I moved over to the UK from the US in 2017 and meant for it to be the first stop on a long travel itinerary. I meant to stay for maybe three, but met my UK-born husband within a week of landing and it’s now been three years. 

 

We love each other deeply and were married last September, but it’s been so difficult to navigate this past year and the immigration process. We had to cancel our two-month, multi-continent honeymoon due to the pandemic, which was emotionally devastating and definitely a financial hit. We also sold our flat in advance of moving to the US and moved into a tiny “temporary” flat...just in time for COVID. 

 

Like your husband, I’ve been incredibly homesick and feeling increasingly isolated. Because we’ve been in this immigration limbo for about 1.5 years now and always expecting a move to be around the corner, I’ve not put effort into making friends. That’s led to me relying on my husband for essentially all my emotional support, and him feeling responsible for my happiness in a way that isn’t fair. 

 

Every time we feel like the visa is around the corner, something pushes our departure back a few months. COVID, processing delays, paperwork gathering problems, my husband’s job, etc. It’s been psychologically awful. 

 

The only advice I can give is what people tell me: stop thinking about the future so much and focus on the day-to-day. COVID has really shown that we have so little control over what happens in life. Deciding to just live the next 24 hours in a way that makes me happy and fulfilled is really the only help for the feeling of perpetual waiting that I’ve found. 

 

Scheduling things to look forward to has also been HUGE. Even if it’s just a coffee date with my husband next weekend, or the arrival of a new sweater in the post. Just something to keep you going day to day, week to week. 

 

I would be more than happy to chat if you ever want to. Stay safe and hang in there. 

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It's so heartbreaking to see that there are so many of us out here separated from our spouses.

Adding in all the other complicated variables about your family, @grapenoodle I absolutely can understand the feeling of wanting to run away to Mexico!!

 

My husband and I met here in the UK seven months before he was due to leave. He is USAF and was coming to the end of a three year stay here.

We didn't make an official decision to break up or continue dating since the relationship was so new, but communication at the time was a strength of ours and continues to be five years later. 

Trips back and forth over the years have of course kept us going, meeting each others' families and extended families, all that good stuff. 

 

It's been difficult for us trying to make the right decision about where we settle, he loves it in the UK, we think it's probably a better environment to ultimately raise a family but we are considering the benefits of him staying in the military and the flexibility that comes along with that. We were married in November 2019 and submitted our initial I-130 petition in January, the thought was that the US immigration process takes longer and it may be wise to get started there. 

With plans to see each other in March this year and things really starting to kick off we thought it best to stay still and keep ourselves safe (not much choice with his no travel order and me working for the NHS too!)

Not exactly how we had planned our first year of marriage, it's been a challenge to say the least, but more than ever I think it's put things in perspective for us; I'm extremely career driven and of course so is he, but my job offers a certain amount of flexibility that he isn't afforded and after many failed attempts at getting stationed back in Europe we are planning for me to move to the US as soon as my visa is approved (and my notice period at work is up)

This year has been particularly challenging not being able to see each other (until last month) and with him being told three different times he's being sent overseas on deployment.
Living on my own and a fair distance away from my older parents has also been quite challenging. Working in the hospital I tend to minimise my visits with them to try and keep them safe so being on my own here has been hard. 

 

It's been hard not knowing what's around the corner, but @Sm4598 is right, just taking it one day at a time and remembering how little is within our control, especially these days, is really all we can do. 

I'm hopeful that interviews will continue to go ahead as they have been and I will hear about mine next so that my husband and I can be reunited sometime early next year and the process continues for everyone else waiting to be reunited with their loved ones too!

 

Here for a chat too if anyone reading this needs :) promise I'm nice! 

Good luck to you all and stay safe out here. 

 

Edited by PBabz

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