Question re: divorce of foreign spouse w/child

[ivona 0]

OMG OMG OMG

user 149's view and opinion about the K1, immigration process and marriage are actually pushing me towards approving completely all the hoops the USCIS has/ had us legitimate couples jump through.....

I'm going to require therapy for this.....

user 149, you got the answers you are going to get- stop continuously rousing other people here just beacuse we are VERY emotional about the immigration process and you don't like what we have to say....

most VJ members come from legitimate relaitonships, they know full well what the process entails before they get into it, they make their decisions and do what the gov requires them to do because they WANT to spend their lives with their soulmates.....

you saying how you don't know if you want to get married, and giving the impression that you would use K1 as a dating visa of sorts is demeaning and disrespectable of all those who went through this heart wrenching process...

Edited April 3, 2007 by ivona

[user149 0]

I replied to a thread yesterday on another Board from a Canadian who had been refused entry.

People who seek entry on the VWP are refused every day. All a VWP does is allow you to get to the gate, US Immigration, whether you get let in all depends on your individual situation. Plenty of examples on this board of those who have failed.

Hrm. Fair enough, that sounds pretty accurate. Still, I envy people from VWP countries, who have even just a chance for a few casual visits.

What irks me is, I could be the perfect spouse (I know, haha, right?) and my fiance equally so- but she might just get here and decide it sucks/be homesick, maybe she won't want to learn english, etc.

Who knows? maybe we'll split just based on the culture shock. Ask some of her more uppity countrymen, they'd sooner spit on their children then move to the US.

She might get here and decide she hates me. Entirely possible! I'll be the first to admit that the me thats on vacation is not the same person that lives day-to-day at home- its just not an accurate comparison.

No bills to pay on vacation, no doctor visits, no arguments over picking up the kids, chores, etc.

There's just no way to gauge how day-to-day living will be until she's over here.

I'd give anything just to show her around the States for a month and just get a feel for the whole situation, her opinion and mine.

@ Maya:

I hear you, re: being fair to the child.. its a bit of a quagmire for me. I didn't find out about her till my subsequent visit (~3 months after we met). I came back specifically for my girl's birthday, wanted to do something nice for her, she's really sweet.. so I'm at dinner with her and her friends (one of which is kinda our de facto translator). At some point during the conversation (I speak passable spanish, or at least enough to eavesdrop on people who think I can't) and I catch something to the effect of "when is your daughter's birthday? she'll be how old?".

I imagine I went pale f'king white (and I'm a black dude). I tried to hold it in, but clearly it showed on my face, as suddenly they're all laughing hysterically. Now her friend is chiding me asking "whats wrong, you don't like her now that you know she has a little girl?" had she been a guy I might have slugged her. My girl was also visibly embarassed- evidently that was not how she had planned on breaking the news to me, and her friend (who I believe is a tad bit jealous) was just really hamming it up bigtime. I kept my composure, even tho I hadn't a ###### clue what to do next.

So I was left with a terrible quandry. I really like this girl, but bringing a child along was NOWHERE in my plan. I could have dumped her right there on the spot, I probably SHOULD have, but I really like her. I couldnt say I love her at that point, its was like our 5th date or so. So I return to the states and mull over the problem, for a long time I'm torn. Eventually I'm like f'k it, you know what, I got a bit of dough.. if it came down to it I think I could live with bringing a child along too. So, several months later, cut-to and present day I get on this message board and try to actually find out what I'm in for if I do bring them over. Immediately I'm proclaimed a troll, flames and hilarity ensue, and well, you know the story from there.

[meauxna 15]

- but she might just get here and decide it sucks/be homesick, maybe she won't want to learn english, etc.

Who knows? maybe we'll split just based on the culture shock. Ask some of her more uppity countrymen, they'd sooner spit on their children then move to the US.

She might get here and decide she hates me. Entirely possible! I'll be the first to admit that the me thats on vacation is not the same person that lives day-to-day at home- its just not an accurate comparison.

No bills to pay on vacation, no doctor visits, no arguments over picking up the kids, chores, etc.

There's just no way to gauge how day-to-day living will be until she's over here.

I'd give anything just to show her around the States for a month and just get a feel for the whole situation, her opinion and mine.

You're getting down to the crux of it now.. well, I have a feeling you've been there all along, you just misfired with your original post.

What you describe above could happen to ANY of us (and it has, for many many already!). Too bad we can't buy insurance against it!

The major hurdle you face is the kidlet. Two adults can take their chances and if it doesn't work out, oh well. Maya speaks from personal experience and I'd give a lot of weight to her words.

Have you sepnt any time investigating alternate visa types that would accomplish your stated goal? It seems pretty clear that marriage should be postponed for awhile. I also noticed somewhere that you said marriage was her idea. This should factor in your investigation/idea exploration.

[user149 0]

user 149, you got the answers you are going to get- stop continuously rousing other people here just beacuse we are VERY emotional about the immigration process and you don't like what we have to say....

most VJ members come from legitimate relaitonships, they know full well what the process entails before they get into it, they make their decisions and do what the gov requires them to do because they WANT to spend their lives with their soulmates.....

You know, I'm glad you touched on this. I'm guess that alot of the enmity I'm getting from board members is due to their perception that I'm not taking this process seriously enough, or in their eyes that my relationship is not "legitimate". Well they are certainly entitled to their opinion. Here is mine: alot of you write with this all-consuming passion about the trials and tribulations of the immigration process. Using words like "soulmate". So emotional you can't even see the objective side of an issue, you look down on people like me who would like to discuss the worst case scenario. Haven't you guys ever heard of Murphy's law? The absolute saddest thing in existence, is watching two people who love each other so passionately... breaking up. Yes, it DOES happen, 50% of the time. Happens so often, there's a part of the forum dedicated to it. Some of you guys have worked up such a head of steam about your relationships- its going to be all the more tragic when some of them fail.

Look at the way older people conduct relationships. I mean like those born in the 30's and 40's- people with decades of marriage. Examine their relationships. Its not about firey passion (which is cool for the 15 minutes it lasts) Its about finding someone chill. Someone who you can tolerate and grow old with. Someone who shares your ideals and can see eye to eye with. It doesn't have ###### to do with marriage, or being "soulmates", or even love. Yeah I said it. Might shock you to know, in some countries people get married for reasons that have nothing to do with love, and end up spending wonderful lives together. Its been going on for thousands of years in India, and many other cultures around the world. Alot of the people on this forum are simply just dead ignorant to the fact that (and I'll make it big, cuz CAPS LOCK is cruise-control for cool):

SOME PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT MARRIAGE THAN YOU DO!

Also, I'm not "rousing" anybody. If you read the thread you'd see not only did I state my question was answered, I suggested mods lock the thread. Doesn't have anything to do with me not liking what you guys say- you want to keep arguing we can do so till the cows come home. I'll always win too, because as you stated earlier, most of y'all are an overly-emotional bunch- I'd say like 30% of you are thinking clearly.

Chao!

[Caladan 19]

The fiancé visa isn't a 'getting to know you better' visa. Maybe you think there should be a 'girlfriend' visa, but there isn't one now (and you can only imagine the logistical headaches.. on the other hand, it sure would make the fiancé process easier as the fraud would all go to the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' class.), so it's really neither here nor there.

So, are you ready to get married? Are you ready to get married if it means supporting a child? It seems the answer to that is 'no', and 'no.' I'm sure a lot of people rush marriages because of immigration, but this seems a very bad idea when as you say you're not sure you're in love, and definitely aren't sure about the child. How long have you known her? How did you meet?

An attorney will help you get clear on family law and how that might apply to her kid, but if you wouldn't marry her if you'd end up being on the hook for her child, it's a sign that you two need more time.

It probably will be hard for her to get a visa to the U.S. Could you work where she is? Could the two of you work in a third country?

[Mephys 2]

A point of information: Canadians can, and have been (myself included) refused entry if the border official knows that the purpose of the visit is to see their "friend" or spouse. This can occur even if the Canadian has an approved petition and carries lots of evidence of ties to Canada (employment, housing, etc.) and has a "machine readable passport".

Just wondering, not trying to argue- what do you usually say to the border guy? Whenever he asks I just say vacation (but undoubtedly USCs are under much less scrutiny). Would he have refused you if you said you were going to check out Niagra falls, or maybe go camping in upstate New York for 2 months?

Lol at WoW yourself! Who are you to judge how people meet? And how is meeting on WoW worse than what you're talking about doing?

I'm not judging, but I do have some experience with the matter. Being that I'm pretty familiar with the MMORPG world myself (former ffxi junkie), this was just too easy a shot to resist. I've seen the entire gamut of relationship horror stories on these games: people being used/seduced for items/gold, people straying from REAL LIFE relationships/destroying their marriages over someone they met in-game, longtime friends fighting over a digital cat-girl only to discover she's really a man, people being tricked into giving out their personal information and then account stolen, people having cybersex then posting it on forums to embarass people, I could go on and on. Hell, I can't lie, I was sweet on my own pile of pixels once. On the surface, an MMORPG seems a perfectly innocuous place to meet.. like any internet chat room. The caveat being, the types of people who are drawn to MMORPGs tend to have very escapist personalities. I've met many girls who "date" within the framework of the game, due to poor treatment at the hands of men IRL. Alot of guys who "date" there because they haven't had much luck approaching women IRL. Lots of low self-esteem all around, which is basically a prerequisite for playing this type of game- its what allows people to grind away for hours performing mindless tasks they don't enjoy, trying to get a virtual sword, instead of going outside (and this was me for 2 years, if you have a WoW character 60 or over, this means you, too). What I've observed is that, when these people who meet in game get together in real life, they argue ALOT, and have huge difficulty resolving conflicts- resulting in even minor disputes being blown severely out of proportion. The part about MMORPGs that appeals to alot of people (having total control to create and customize a personality all your own) also tends to make them insular and uncompromising, having difficulty relinquishing a portion of this control to their significant other.

Anyway I've rambled long enough, I hope for you guys' sake nothing I said hit TOO close to home.

Unfortunately, I dont see how you are not trying to judge people. I do admit that a large population of MMORPG players are the way you describe. But open your eyes, it's not only that. They are people out there that play only for fun, some other play with their friends for a while. They are some couples playing together, some teens that play with their daddy. Once in a while can be fun. Yeah we met in the game, we actually hooked up on each other because it was the first time ever we could play with someone that was respectful and smart ( of course there is a bunch of stupid people in there). But the relationship continued on another level, OMG we actually met IRL.... This game is for us the only activity that we can do "together" while being 900 miles apart. Can't wait to cancel my account and go take a walk in the park with my love and have a bike ride with him and his kids in 2 weeks. Its sad to hear someone like you judging because you think you know everything.

I hear you, re: being fair to the child.. its a bit of a quagmire for me. I didn't find out about her till my subsequent visit (~3 months after we met). I came back specifically for my girl's birthday, wanted to do something nice for her, she's really sweet.. so I'm at dinner with her and her friends (one of which is kinda our de facto translator). At some point during the conversation (I speak passable spanish, or at least enough to eavesdrop on people who think I can't) and I catch something to the effect of "when is your daughter's birthday? she'll be how old?".

I imagine I went pale f'king white (and I'm a black dude). I tried to hold it in, but clearly it showed on my face, as suddenly they're all laughing hysterically. Now her friend is chiding me asking "whats wrong, you don't like her now that you know she has a little girl?" had she been a guy I might have slugged her. My girl was also visibly embarassed- evidently that was not how she had planned on breaking the news to me, and her friend (who I believe is a tad bit jealous) was just really hamming it up bigtime. I kept my composure, even tho I hadn't a ###### clue what to do next.

So I was left with a terrible quandry. I really like this girl, but bringing a child along was NOWHERE in my plan. I could have dumped her right there on the spot, I probably SHOULD have, but I really like her. I couldnt say I love her at that point, its was like our 5th date or so. So I return to the states and mull over the problem, for a long time I'm torn. Eventually I'm like f'k it, you know what, I got a bit of dough.. if it came down to it I think I could live with bringing a child along too. So, several months later, cut-to and present day I get on this message board and try to actually find out what I'm in for if I do bring them over. Immediately I'm proclaimed a troll, flames and hilarity ensue, and well, you know the story from there.

And as for that, I do feel sorry for you that it happened that way. Its a good thing if you decide to stay with her, a child is not necessarly an obstacle, and I know what I am talking about, my fiance has 3 boys, 2, 4 and 6 years old. You can probably bring more to this child than you can imagine.

But anyways, no matter what you do, keep in mind that yeah you offended people a lot with your comments because we are all working very hard to be with our significant others, and seeing people purposefuly misusing the K-1 visas can be really irritating. I hope you find the way, its all i can say now.

[user149 0]

I also noticed somewhere that you said marriage was her idea. This should factor in your investigation/idea exploration.

FINALLY. Someone gets the point.

[Caladan 19]

I'm having a hard time seeing how 'we met on WoW, and then met in real life and dated' is worse than 'I knew her so well that I was thoroughly shocked to find out she had an eight-year-old.'

[Yodrak 7]

user149,

Sounds like you have your answer, then? Your concious is just having difficulty accepting, or believing, what your subconcious is trying to tell you?

Yodrak

I also noticed somewhere that you said marriage was her idea. This should factor in your investigation/idea exploration.

FINALLY. Someone gets the point.

[ILoveMephys 0]

I'm having a hard time seeing how 'we met on WoW, and then met in real life and dated' is worse than 'I knew her so well that I was thoroughly shocked to find out she had an eight-year-old.'

Mephys knew about everything in my life BEFORE we ever decided to do anything with each other. Thats the only way to start a relationship, and its the only way to keep one......

Edited April 3, 2007 by ILoveMephys

[ivona 0]

user 149, please stop with the condescending attitude just because you do not like what you hear....

you have received plenty of answers, from strictly fact-to-fact ones to the ones injected with personal beliefs and yet you continue this thread in an argumentative tone, in what seems to me an attempt to convince all of us about something that you are not willing to admit to yourself.....

for what it's worth: if my current husband neglected to mention the fact that he has an 8yo, I would take the time to really look hard if the realtionship is really what I want it to be...as it is I found out about my husbands 8yo long before we were ever an item....

Maybe instead of spending your time here arguing with complete strangers you should have an honest heart to heart with your girlfriend and more importantly with yourself....