American Women and Russian Men, an Oxymoron in the Making?

[Dima_April 9]

Hello, I'm starting this thread because I had found a similar one, that has since been put to rest, do to the fact it was really outdated.

I'm engaged to a lovable, yet typically stubborn Russian man. I'm known to him as the little CIA agent (I checked him out before meeting, during and after). I would call him my KGB sweetie, but he wouldn't like that. Instead, I've nicknamed him Yul, after Yul Brynner. In case you need clarification, Yul Brynner, was a Russian, born actor that starred in the Ten Commandments, he played the roll of Ramses. In the movie, one of his most famous sayings was, "So let it be written, so let it be done"! Truly, I think only a Russian, could pull that line off with such command. My guy, always says "So be it"! Short and direct; overly blunt or just a Russian, being a Russian?

Whatever it is Russian men, tend to be alpha males. The juxtaposition to this is, American females, are often painted in a harsh light, as being bossy and overly barring; almost non-feminine. Yet, some of us bossy American women, bend to a degree, when finding our top dog and the top dog, sometimes realizes that he may be the head of the house, but the women really are the neck! Gender role, is alive and well in Russia, but not always the case in the USA. Therefore, how do we make our new partner feel at home, without compromising ones self?

Granted all this talk, is simply stereotyping, but there are definite cultural difference. I hope this thread, can open up some comic relief and be a place to get acquainted with new members from Russia, the Ukraine and Belarus. A thread to share your jokes, recipes, what your visa process was like, what life is like living together as a couple.

Hope to hear from those just starting out and those that have been in the trenches for sometime.

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

There're certainly some cultural differences but not anymore than between American man and Russian woman. They can be just slightly different.

I agree that many Russian men tend to be stubborn and love to take a role of alpha man, but it's because that's what many Russian women want - they want a man who will take care of finances, make decisions and resolve problems so they will feel behind their man's back "like behind stone wall". While women will raise their kids, make dinners and have some side job they can do around it (taking a break for up to 3 years after each child is born). That's how many of my classmates and college mates who stayed in Russia live. Of course, it leads for some loss of independence for women. There're plenty of Russian common sayings that underline it, like "you're the man, do something!" Gender roles are still strong in Russia, however not as strong and slightly different for the younger generation.

About American women being bossy... I would disagree. Russian women have plenty of these tendencies as well, they're just going in a different way. I would tell American women more independent and tend to get what they want themselves, while Russian women tend to get what they want through their man or at least with his help and participation what gender roles lead to. But of course it doesn't apply to everyone.

There're plenty of other minor cultural differences - social life, finances, cooking etc. but that's a really long story.

And again, we're painting people with a wide brush because as long as some stereotypes are true, it's very individual, and even people who're willing to give up everything and move to another country to loved one could be slightly different from majority who think that's a crazy sh*t. Both me and my wife in the beginning of our relationship heard a lot of concerns, warnings and doubts from our families and friends about risk of international relationship and one of us moving to another country, and very few people actually believed that it all will be good. Sure, Russian men tend to be stubborn, but do you really think Russian women don't? Or like many Americans running away from herring-beetroot salad or boiled whole beef tongue, many Russians don't like meals that you would find delicious. I live here for almost 4 years and still don't want in my food and probably never will things like sage, celery, bologna...

That's an interesting topic to discuss about but really long and should involve several people to get something close to the truth.

- Victor from Russia

[Dashinka 23,372]

I love Katya's herring beetroot salad! Relative to the thread, I guess I can say I did experience this a little when Katya arrived, but I think this was more to do with her first trip outside of Russia and coming halfway around the world. We talked a lot about how things would change for her when she arrived such as the fact that she would need to drive (she hadn't driven in over 20 years), how she would be alone a bit once I went back to work (I saved all my vacation for the time around when she would arrive), and how she would be away from her family particularly her adult son and mother. I decided that I would do everything I could to make sure she could adjust as smoothly as possible, I think the first thing we did was get her an iPhone with an international plan to allow for communication back to Russia (she loves Skype, Viber, and Whatsapp). We got her SSN, and a driving permit, and of course got married and did a webcast back to Russia for her family. Overall, I think she is adjusting quite well, she has her license and we got her a car, she has been making friends with many others including from the local Russian community, we take trips to the Russian grocery every now and then, she has exposed me to many new menu items and I am an adventurous eater, and I make sure to cook up a few things for her as well (for some reason she loves my banana bread and guacamole). In summary, we share the load, and even though we know man is and who the woman is, we formed a true partnership. As far as I can tell, she even enjoys tailgating at the MSU games in the fall except when it is too cold (this surprises me since she is from Siberia).

One last thought, the biggest issue I have found so far is the need to have a good GPS for her in the car. Generally we use Waze since we can set it for metric and set the language to Russia which we did initially. The one drawback is that when in Russia mode, it doesn't give street names, so we switched back to English which fortunately Katya speaks very well.

Edited December 18, 2015 by Bill & Katya

[Dima_April 9]

There're certainly some cultural differences but not anymore than between American man and Russian woman. They can be just slightly different.

I agree that many Russian men tend to be stubborn and love to take a role of alpha man, but it's because that's what many Russian women want - they want a man who will take care of finances, make decisions and resolve problems so they will feel behind their man's back "like behind stone wall". While women will raise their kids, make dinners and have some side job they can do around it (taking a break for up to 3 years after each child is born). That's how many of my classmates and college mates who stayed in Russia live. Of course, it leads for some loss of independence for women. There're plenty of Russian common sayings that underline it, like "you're the man, do something!" Gender roles are still strong in Russia, however not as strong and slightly different for the younger generation.

I think even American women, behind the facade want a man that they can stand behind to a degree. I wouldn't mind the feeling of being protected "like behind stone wall." Then again, the American in me says, if I see a crack in the mortar, patch it, if he won't. That does get old!

About American women being bossy... I would disagree. Russian women have plenty of these tendencies as well, they're just going in a different way. I would tell American women more independent and tend to get what they want themselves, while Russian women tend to get what they want through their man or at least with his help and participation what gender roles lead to. But of course it doesn't apply to everyone.

There're plenty of other minor cultural differences - social life, finances, cooking etc. but that's a really long story.

Finances would be an interesting topic. One minute, I understand there are not joint bank accounts the next there is. It causes frustration and confusion. Really, I can't see the point in being married if you never share. That seems like a lot of work if one still wants to be separate. I can be separate all on my own and only take care of and clean up after myself! Two is better than one, in my opinion.

I did learn, that he doesn't know how to write a check, so this I will teach him.

Social life and mixing - I could give you an ear full!

And again, we're painting people with a wide brush because as long as some stereotypes are true, it's very individual, and even people who're willing to give up everything and move to another country to loved one could be slightly different from majority who think that's a crazy sh*t. Both me and my wife in the beginning of our relationship heard a lot of concerns, warnings and doubts from our families and friends about risk of international relationship and one of us moving to another country, and very few people actually believed that it all will be good. Sure, Russian men tend to be stubborn, but do you really think Russian women don't? Or like many Americans running away from herring-beetroot salad or boiled whole beef tongue, many Russians don't like meals that you would find delicious. I live here for almost 4 years and still don't want in my food and probably never will things like sage, celery, bologna...

That's an interesting topic to discuss about but really long and should involve several people to get something close to the truth.

I'm not running from his herring-beetroot salad! I'll try anything, at least once. I would also make it for him, even if I did not like it, simply because I know his mother, made it for him at holidays. He can eat his herring and I will eat my nasty oyster stew!

Thanks for the heads up, on things like sage and celery. That explains a lot, b/c I'm sage happy!

- Victor from Russia

[Dima_April 9]

I love Katya's herring beetroot salad! Relative to the thread, I guess I can say I did experience this a little when Katya arrived, but I think this was more to do with her first trip outside of Russia and coming halfway around the world. We talked a lot about how things would change for her when she arrived such as the fact that she would need to drive (she hadn't driven in over 20 years), how she would be alone a bit once I went back to work (I saved all my vacation for the time around when she would arrive), and how she would be away from her family particularly her adult son and mother. I decided that I would do everything I could to make sure she could adjust as smoothly as possible, I think the first thing we did was get her an iPhone with an international plan to allow for communication back to Russia (she loves Skype, Viber, and Whatsapp). We got her SSN, and a driving permit, and of course got married and did a webcast back to Russia for her family. Overall, I think she is adjusting quite well, she has her license and we got her a car, she has been making friends with many others including from the local Russian community, we take trips to the Russian grocery every now and then, she has exposed me to many new menu items and I am an adventurous eater, and I make sure to cook up a few things for her as well (for some reason she loves my banana bread and guacamole). In summary, we share the load, and even though we know man is and who the woman is, we formed a true partnership. As far as I can tell, she even enjoys tailgating at the MSU games in the fall except when it is too cold (this surprises me since she is from Siberia).

A partnership is the only way, to have a good marriage! At least, that is my opinion and what will work with me. We have no Russian community here, as I live in a small town. I'm from Sturgis. I can't help but ask this Bill, do you have an aunt Sue and uncle Bill, living in my town? I work at the high school and if your aunt is Sue, I know of Katya.

One last thought, the biggest issue I have found so far is the need to have a good GPS for her in the car. Generally we use Waze since we can set it for metric and set the language to Russia which we did initially. The one drawback is that when in Russia mode, it doesn't give street names, so we switched back to English which fortunately Katya speaks very well.

I have to laugh about the GPS, because you are speaking with the direction-ally challenged! Dima and I went up north, as soon as school was out. He ran the GPS, stayed calm when I was excitable and even pulled us out of a huge mess, when I was going to lead us in the wrong direction.

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

Finances would be an interesting topic. One minute, I understand there are not joint bank accounts the next there is. It causes frustration and confusion. Really, I can't see the point in being married if you never share. That seems like a lot of work if one still wants to be separate. I can be separate all on my own and only take care of and clean up after myself! Two is better than one, in my opinion.

I did learn, that he doesn't know how to write a check, so this I will teach him.

Social life and mixing - I could give you an ear full!

Yeah, finances work quite differently in Russia. It's getting closer to what you used to in the US with every year but still not quite the same. Checkbook? Forget about it in Russia. There is such high lever of financial fraud that almost no one would even consider a piece of paper with handwritten scribbles worth the money. I've heard checks exist in Russia on some level but I've never seen one before arriving to the US and don't even try to pay with personal check in Russian supermarket or gas station, they will think you're trying to fool them somehow. Bank cards getting more and more popular in Russia but they're still not accepted everywhere. Many small merchants like convinience stores, metered parking lots, servicemans of all kinds, some taxi companies etc. don't even accept any form of payment but cash. So in Russia cash is still primary form of money, especially in smaller cities, and any other forms of payment can be used only as a secondary form with limited use. Quite a bit of people still get their paychecks as a stack of cash in Russian companies.

- Victor from Russia

[TBoneTX 43,421]

Great answer as always, Victor.

And it looks as though you're days away from citizenship!

[Dima_April 9]

Citizenship....congratulations, Victor!
Our case arrived in Moscow, the day of Christmas eve. Can't remember what day, Dima, filled out the DS-160 and requested and interview for mid March. Of course, it's in AP right now. Wonder how many days, it will take them before they let us know?

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

Great answer as always, Victor.

And it looks as though you're days away from citizenship!

Thank you! Yep, almost done with my personal visa journey, last step this Friday.

Citizenship....congratulations, Victor!

Thank you!

[Dashinka 23,372]

Thank you! Yep, almost done with my personal visa journey, last step this Friday.

Thank you!

Good Luck!

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

Good Luck!

Thank you!

[Dashinka 23,372]

Happy Christmas for all the Russian Orthodox out there! Katya has convinced me to take the day off and go to the local Russian Orthodox Church for a Christmas service. This should be interesting.

[Dima_April 9]

Happy Christmas for all the Russian Orthodox out there! Katya has convinced me to take the day off and go to the local Russian Orthodox Church for a Christmas service. This should be interesting.

So, how was your experience with the Russian Orthodox Church, Bill?

[Dima_April 9]

I'm learning some things regarding finances and laundry - yes, I said laundry. The two don't really go together; it's not like money laundering, were I'm moving untold volumes of cash to the Cayman's (although I wish)! I'm talking about finances in regards to how do you combine two lives, from different countries and both parties being middle age with greater wealth? My fiancee doesn't want to combine. I don't care for that idea. He also views the house as being entirely mine. He complains that it belonged to my parents, now mine and never his. I've told him that I would place him on the deed. I certainly don't expect to bring someone over here and then pass away and they have no place to live. If I get him here, it's my job as a spouse to make sure he's taken care of in life. I've also suggested selling it and buying one together; same town or new location. He doesn't seem to like that idea either. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. Some of this stems from recent arguments and his fear of leaving all behind and not finding work here. My goal is for him to be happy, but also for me to be happy. I don't know how to solve these issues.

On a lighter note, we were talking about laundry. He told me that I needed a new wash machine (true) and a new steam iron. During the course of this conversation, I learned he irons his underwear and bedding. American women, don't do that! Not any I know of - as usual, he melted my heart when he Vibered pictures of such, asking me how they could go without ironing? That's one of the charms, I find appealing about this guy. Yes, his clothes needed to be ironed, but in America, cotton is no longer king!

[TBoneTX 43,421]

Mrs. T-B., just tonight, observed that she never dreamed of having a marriage in which the husband did the laundry.

However, your other issue seems to be far more crucial to resolve.