Compromise and Marriage

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Well, D and I are apart now, but being as we lived together for years, I feel like I can answer it for us.

Our rule is usually whoever feels the most passionate about a particular subject wins. But usually we're on the same page anyways.

But if something is really that important to him that he's willing to fight me on, I will yield because him getting his way is more important than me getting mine on something I really don't care too much for. And vice versa.

If we both feel passionate about it, then we each give a little. For instance, there's a pub quiz which he LOVES. I personally would rather have a root canal performed thru my nostrils than to go to it. And we each are as passionate as each other. So it'd be quiz night and I'd always bail, and then he'd go. When he left, I'd be pizzed that he went without me, and he'd be pizzed that I stayed home instead of going with him.

So we decided that we'd alternate. One week we'd go, the next we wouldn't. And we were both happy with the outcome.

That's the thing - no two people are alike. We each have our own interests, views, ideas, etc. I'm a little scared that because I've been making decisions on my own for awhile being single for 5 years, I might take some things for granted and I don't want to.

This may sound silly, but for example, I'm peticular about shopping for food. When Jinky arrives and she starts to shop for our food as well, how do I express that without sounding ####### retentive?

As far as the food issue, after a week of eating whatever It was in manila I ate, and contantly having an upset stomach, I politely explained to my wife that my digestive system was not used to her foods. She understood and we started eating at american restaurants also. Most of us are set in our ways but for this to work out I think we need to do alot of compromising. My wife's visa wa delivered today the 26th, her interview was the 16th, after all this stress I will definitely compromise.

Big Congratulations, Archie! When is she flying over?

[Ban Hammer 14,647]

If I were you, I'd worry about your raging liberalism being a complete turnoff

[archie07 0]

Well, D and I are apart now, but being as we lived together for years, I feel like I can answer it for us.

Our rule is usually whoever feels the most passionate about a particular subject wins. But usually we're on the same page anyways.

But if something is really that important to him that he's willing to fight me on, I will yield because him getting his way is more important than me getting mine on something I really don't care too much for. And vice versa.

If we both feel passionate about it, then we each give a little. For instance, there's a pub quiz which he LOVES. I personally would rather have a root canal performed thru my nostrils than to go to it. And we each are as passionate as each other. So it'd be quiz night and I'd always bail, and then he'd go. When he left, I'd be pizzed that he went without me, and he'd be pizzed that I stayed home instead of going with him.

So we decided that we'd alternate. One week we'd go, the next we wouldn't. And we were both happy with the outcome.

That's the thing - no two people are alike. We each have our own interests, views, ideas, etc. I'm a little scared that because I've been making decisions on my own for awhile being single for 5 years, I might take some things for granted and I don't want to.

This may sound silly, but for example, I'm peticular about shopping for food. When Jinky arrives and she starts to shop for our food as well, how do I express that without sounding ####### retentive?

As far as the food issue, after a week of eating whatever It was in manila I ate, and contantly having an upset stomach, I politely explained to my wife that my digestive system was not used to her foods. She understood and we started eating at american restaurants also. Most of us are set in our ways but for this to work out I think we need to do alot of compromising. My wife's visa wa delivered today the 26th, her interview was the 16th, after all this stress I will definitely compromise.

Big Congratulations, Archie! When is she flying over?

Hey Steve, Thanks, looks like march 20th, Ill know more when she gets home from work. At least she got that visa finally.

[beameup 0]

Perhaps it would be best to do some research on the Philippine Culture (but you probably did that already, diba?)

The book most people recommend is Culture Shock Philippines - A Guide to Customs and Etiquette, by Alfredo Roces.

There will always be one thing in particular that will "take priority" over the relationship between you and her - and that alone can be the source of (continued) conflict.

I think compromise is critical to the success of a lasting marriage. I know it didn't really exist in my first marriage - we ended up doing '#######-for-tat' - conditional agreements (it was something a marriage counselor had us do).

For those who are already together with their SO, how have you managed with compromise in the marriage?

Edited February 27, 2007 by beameup

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Perhaps it would be best to do some research on the Philippine Culture (but you probably did that already, diba?)

The book most people recommend is Culture Shock Philippines - A Guide to Customs and Etiquette, by Alfredo Roces.

There will always be one thing in particular that will "take priority" over the relationship between you and her - and that alone can be the source of (continued) conflict.

Which is what?

Just like the generational gap here in the states (you want culture shock, talk to my parents vs. talking to me ), Filipino's today are much less into customs and traditions as the generation before. American culture has already left it's mark in Asia as many people have pushed aside longtime customs for the sake modernity. I'm not against customs, per se, but my opinion is that culture and particularly the culture of the family unit is in constant evolution. For example, Jinky speaks Bisaya as well as English - she doesn't really bother with Tagalog. I hope she'll continue to speak it at home with Job (her 5 yr old son) but in all likelihood, the language will be lost within a generation.

I'm more concerned with how we each squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube (as LisaD mentioned).

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Marriage is a compromise... but if you both respect each other, you will learn what it takes to make the other happy..and it's also about not taking advantage of the other one as they open their heart to the relationship..

Yes she eats completely different... then you... I't not all of the time.. So you need to talk about it..., But then isn't this one of the reasons you look for a FW ? because of the culture differences..

Take food with Veronica and I.... We eat similar foods her's are different in ways.. but it's the same foods just prepared differently..

Each meal is similar...breakfast..Lunch...Dinner no surprises..

What you might find is that they shop more often...being that they use fresh foods to cook with...and use a refrig less then we do..

Also I insist that we keep her culture in our home..and if we have a children that they Learn Romanian so that they can talk to their grandparents..

They only thing I worried about in your posting is that the first thing you said after 5 years of being single....First off your already looking for a problem.. why not already fix that ? before she is here..

I do have some ground rules... I don't eat weird stuff... and I told Veronica that too..hhahahhahaah No Cows tongues..Intestines..Hearts..brains..Chicken feet... Thank God they don't too.. Well except the Zama that had the chicken rib cage in my bowl... But I ate around it..as I didn't want to offend....

I'm rambling here... but I think you just need to remember the reason why you want to marry her...and let everything else come and go with a open mind..

Edited February 27, 2007 by Chris-n-Veronica