A Thank You TO All My E-Mail Friends

[brnidokiegurl 1]

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the

glue

On envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope

that

Needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

Brown)

Who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive

the

$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating

In their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out

For me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible

mutant

Freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water

Buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward

An email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

remove

Toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the

car so

A serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

Products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the

microwave

Anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked

With a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume

Sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually

Al

Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number

For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,

Singapore,

And Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers-but that will change once I receive my

Free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have

their

Recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big

brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death

when it

Bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I

can

Live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in

The parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester

Waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car

because I

Can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70

Minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM

this

Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing

you to

Grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened

to a

Friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

Cousin's' beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has

Discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity

read

Their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[sereia 0]

love it!

[Aymerlu 3]

[cbd2cai 0]

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has

Discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity

read

Their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Oops!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

Yep, that about sums up the contents of my email inbox.

[Savanphil 3]

Oldie but still good

[Mags 112]

Thanks for the laff Brnid!

Edited February 20, 2007 by mags