Need Some Perspective

[Elishan 0]

I would absolutely love to emigrate to the land of my wife's birth: USA. I would do it in an instant without a second thought.....that's if I didn't have to consider the lives of my three children from my previous marriage. They are all in their mid to late teens; 15,18 and 19. In my fantasy world they all turn around and say, "Wow, Dad, I would love to go and live in the USA". Sadly, that's not the case. The 19 year-old is at University, living away from home at the moment. He has categorically stated that he wouldn't want to leave the UK. The 18 year-old is at college doing A-levels, he lives with me. He is back and forth with the idea and at the last conversation we had on the subject he is leaning toward staying here. The youngest lives with his mother and I know she would fight nail and tooth for him to remain here.

There's also lots of unresolved stuff left over from the divorce - it was a messy affair and I know that my boys were very hurt by what happened. There's also been hostility to my new wife and I can appreciate that to a certain degree. The two older boys who have lived with me for the last few years don't really get on with their mother mainly because she blocked contact between them and myself when they were younger and which prompted them to leave home. So, I feel that if I moved to the US that I would be leaving them in the lurch without anyone to turn to for help and support. That thought alone horrifies me.

Me, I'm 41 and I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have a fresh start in my life. I've had 10 years of pain and insecurity, what with divorce, separation from my kids, homelessness, the death of both parents. All of which has affected my physical and mental well-being. I sincerely believe that a new life in the US would be the perfect tonic for my ills.

I would like to hear different perspectives from anyone who has been kind enough to read my sorry tale.

Thanks.

[TracyTN 237]

Have you and your wife discussed her emigrating to the UK? I know in our situation, it didn't make a whole lot of sense (financially, mostly) for me to move there, but neither of us has kids - so it makes the conversation a little different to begin with.

Does she have kids, too?

[wissooner 0]

Well, forgive me for stating the obvious, but what about your wife emigrating to the UK? If that's not an option then I am at a loss as to what to tell you. Your a father so I understand having to do right by your kids. However, you have to look out for yourself as well. I learned that thru my own divorce. No one else will look out for you but you. Good luck...

Edited February 8, 2007 by wissooner

[Elishan 0]

Thanks guys for your replies.

I should have mentioned that my wife has been here in the UK since last July The original plan was for me to go the US but because of what I had outlined in my first post, she decided to come to the UK. "Well, what are you complaining about?!?" I'm not complaining, I understand many on here haven't got their husbands or wives with them. I'm truly blessed, I know.

The point is, I need that fresh start. I feel like I've stagnated these last 10 or so years.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Does your new wife have children?

Something I see in this, the two children living with you are now ADULTS. My husband and I aren't much younger than you, and aren't getting any younger either. My point behind this is not to be sarcastic, but to say at some point in your life you have to do what is best for YOU. Your children are at the point they will begin lives of their own. Just something to think about.

Bethanie

[heishe 2]

It sounds like you already know you should stay there for your kids. It's a bummer, but they seem to need you. If you move to the US now, you're going to worry about them and feel guilty for being so far away. It won't be good for your mental health.

Can you hold off five years?

Edited February 8, 2007 by heishe

[MrsBruce5 0]

Does your new wife have children?

Something I see in this, the two children living with you are now ADULTS. My husband and I aren't much younger than you, and aren't getting any younger either. My point behind this is not to be sarcastic, but to say at some point in your life you have to do what is best for YOU. Your children are at the point they will begin lives of their own. Just something to think about.

Bethanie

Bethanie makes a very important point. Although I am not privy to the nuances of the situation, the kids are adults now and should be laying the foundation for their future.

Best Wishes to You.

[JenT 0]

The kids are NOT all adults and they need their father. Age is not the only determining factor of adulthood. They have already felt some abadonment as a result of the divorce and you (OP) are very right in recognizing that fact that your leaving the UK will probably cause even more damage in your relationship with them.

There are ways to 'start over' without leaving the continent.... it doesn't sound like you've completed your healing after your divorce, so I would suggest that be the first place you start, instead of trying to escape from it. Then focus on moving forward with your wife. You are fortunate that she is willing to be there with you. I would accept that and move on.

Edited February 8, 2007 by JenT

[Caladan 19]

Some kids are ready to say goodbye at 18. Others aren't, and you seem very very ambivalent about leaving them.

I'd put off applying for a couple of years, until the 15 year old is off to uni, and find another way to feel like you're getting a fresh start.

[TracyTN 237]

If you need a fresh start, why not move cities, or maybe look for a new job or new home?

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

I don't think moving to the US would be an entirely fresh start. If your new spouse is willing to move to the UK, you may find that is a better option. Other things to consider would be if you have child support obligations in the UK. Not working a few (to several) months while immigrating to the US, might screw that up. But if you really wanted to go to the US, your children are old enough (in my mind), that they should be able to deal with it. There are always vacations and plenty of other ways to keep in touch.

Edited February 8, 2007 by jane2005

[perfect 39]

Well..I completely understand your feelings as I had the same, but in fact I DID leave my son behind. He was 16 and only had 9 months until he finished school (Scotland) so we figured it was better for him to stay behind than have to do two more years here. Yes there were times when he was resentful and times when he found the adjustment hard, and times when he blamed me for creating the situation, but if you were to ask him now he would say it's the best thing that ever happened to him, for the long-term benefits.

I love my son, but when all said and done I am the one in the position to know what will benefit me and my family the most in the long-run and that may mean making sacrifices here and now for the short-term.

It's a decision only you can make, but when all said and done if your kids respect you and are fully cognisant of the reasons why you are making that choice now, in the long-run everything will work out fine. Additionally, I believe that if I'm truly happyand content I can give a better quality of life in every respect to my son and my whole family whereas if I were miserable and couldn't see my way to living life to the full, my whole family would suffer.

It would be nice for you to be able to look back without regret in the future. You have a right to make that decision without being made to feel bad and without being held to ransom emotionally by anyone.

Hope you figure out what's right for you.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I love my son, but when all said and done I am the one in the position to know what will benefit me and my family the most in the long-run and that may mean making sacrifices here and now for the short-term.

It's a decision only you can make, but when all said and done if your kids respect you and are fully cognisant of the reasons why you are making that choice now, in the long-run everything will work out fine. Additionally, I believe that if I'm truly happyand content I can give a better quality of life in every respect to my son and my whole family whereas if I were miserable and couldn't see my way to living life to the full, my whole family would suffer.

Well stated! That is the way we felt when we made the same choices. It is better for his children to see him happy, and he never would have been there. For one as long as I was there the ex made our lives a living hell, she made the children resent me which for obvious reasons carried over into our relationship. We can only hope when the boys are older they will see the big picture and understand why the choices were made. I give my husband an A+ he loves them as much from here as he could have there.

[JenT 0]

Don't dismiss the guilt that comes with such a choice, though. David left his 17 yr old daughter, "Ann", with her mother - they all have a very amicable relationship after divorcing 10 yrs ago. David thought he was prepared for the separation.... she, "Ann" has a serous bf, a happy life, etc. "Ann" gave us her 'blessing'... but it's very difficult for David to be so far away from her. She did not want to leave after our wedding. He does things now with my kids and mourns not being able to do such things with "Ann"... even to just put his arm around her is not possible any more. "Ann" will come for the summer, so that will help, but the guilt of 'abandonment', even in a 'happy' situation, is still there. At least David admits it and we talk freely about it. I did try to warn him.... there's no way I would leave my children... but that's my own personal choice, and may also be different for a mother than a father.

Jen

[perfect 39]

I think it obviously varies between individuals regardless of whether a man or woman. I feel no guilt about having left my son - none whatsoever. Seeing how he has flourished in spite of it, or perhaps because of it - is reward in itself. I don't believe in wrapping kids in cotton wool either. Life changes are a part of life for everyone, and kids need to be taught how to handle this rather than sidestepping it altogether - that's how they grow emotionally, get to know themselves, what they're really capable of and learn strength of character so they can cope with their own life-changing events.

but then.....I was brought up old-school!!