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zapatosfeos

POE this week... I shouldnt be feeling so sad :(

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Hi guys...soooo excited and nervous and scared !!!! (and I am not even the one making the big move, lol) I know though that he is really nervous as well !!!

So the thing is, we have been together for about 20 years on and off. We have been through quite a bit, including having each gone through a previous marriage and divorce (with other people). We always knew we wanted to be together but being in two different countries so far away from each other, we didnt think it would happen. Anyways, it is about to happen !!! and I am super excited and happy and nervous and anxious but most of all scared...and it has nothing to do with him. Oh boy, here it goes :( Well, my mom HATES him!!! BTW, he is her ex best friend's son. They grew up together. And her reasoning for hating him is not even a valid one. He DOESN'T do any of the things she claims: smokes, drinks, drugs..blah blah blah. He DOES work hard, is very close to his family, loves me, has patience with me (trust me, a man would need to, lol) and he adores my 2 year old (not his). And she adores him. But his big "mistake" is basically being Peruvian. My mom is from Peru, born there. and she says all the time "i did not come to this country for you to marry a Peruvian" (btw in her eyes Peruvian-American would have been ok, lol the irony)...she is a VERY controlling person with everyone, my dad, my 2 brothers, she tries with me but I guess that is why we butt heads so much. Now, I am not looking for her permission to be with him, but it would be nice to have her approval, or at the very least acceptance.

I tried to tell her early last year when we decided to pick up the relationship again. But she went in to hysterics, crying and screaming and claiming to disown me if he ever comes to the US, or we get married. She is not the normal person you can sit and talk to..she would not let me get a word in, once she found out we were back together again. She mentioned marraige before I had a chance to say anything to her, he and I had not even discussed marriage yet, at that point. AFter that conversation she did not speak to me for almost a month. Both times I flew to Peru to visit him, she did not speak to me a couple weeks after I got back. One of my aunts, (her sister) told her on the phone that I had invited her over (in Peru) for my daughters bday, that I celebrated over there, but that she could not make it because of prior commitment. She said she felt bad she couldnt go. My mom told her, "you are lucky you didnt go, i would have never spoken to you" my other aunt called her to share with her about a special promotion that the airline was having in case she wanted to takae advantage, she mentioned that I had found it online. and my mom started a fight with her saying" oh I cant believe she is going back again to see him, she is probabbly supporting him financially, he doesn't even love her, blah blah blah" my aunt told her she should butt out, we are both single and adults and we can decide who we want to be with...well, my mom didnt speak to that sister for about a month after that.

Anyways i have mixed emotions about how to tell her. Now I do not live with her, but we live about 10 mins aways, but we talk daily. and I go over so my daughter can see them. He will be here in a few days and I have not mentioned it yet, cause I wanted to wait till after mothers day, but now yikes. I am getting advice to do it before he gets here and advice to wait till after he has arrived. I really dont know what I will do. Its not an easy situation. I have to think really hard and QUICK! !! BTW..I do NOT support him, he has paid for everything to do with this visa hiumself, both visits last year, he paid for absolutely everything once I got there, all i paid for was my plane ticket (my daughter was free), my second visit I paid for my ticket, he paid for my daughters so that I could bring her with me. My second visit, he threw my daughters bday party. Every night we Skype for hours, his family teases him because he misses family fuctions sometimes, so he can skype with me. He got a blackberry, so we could keep contact easily during the day and I could reach him whenever I wanted. He randomly will send me a message throughout the day to say, I love you or i miss you or whatever. Like, any other couple we argue, he can be hardheaded like me, but so many times we will call me, or email me or whatever means just to say I am sorry...none of this sounds to me like what my mother describes. She is trying to make an excuse for her racist or discriminatory feelings but none of them are valid.

Anyways, thanks for reading...sorry it is soo long, but I just felt like I need to vent. I might not be alone on this boat, I am sure there are some of you out there that can relate...but right now I definitely feel soo alone and it sucks !!! Luckily, he knows EVERYTHING and he knows how my mom feels, but he has so much patience and respect, he will never make a derogatory remark about her or put me in a bad spot. But sadly she will :( and yes I am an adult and yes I love him and the time has come for me to stop thinking about other people and start thinking about myself, and I will at this point in life chose him if that is the position she puts me in, but I just hope she doesnt...although I have a bad feeling she will ! :(


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oh mothers-in-law...

I know this is harder said than done, but you should fully disclose your relationship to your family. Not out of respect to them, but respect for your partner and your relationship. It will NOT be any easier once he is here, might as well give them a little extra time to let the steam out.

The first couple months of living together are tough enough without the added stress of your mother. My mother and my husband get along fairly well, but we were all living together for a short time and it was overwhelming! We need time, him and I, to establish ourselves here, apart from family (his and mine).

Good luck! lol the journey continues :yes:

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Thanks for your advice. It couldnt have been easy living with your mom and your husband under the same roof, I guess in that sense I am lucky that I live on my own. My family does know about the relationship. And to be fair my mother is the only one really that is opposed. What she doesnt know is that he is coming, but like I said, mostly because she does not want to listen. And I guess as disfuctional as our relationship might be, it kind of sucks to think that she will cut me out of her life...but owell, thats life i guess.


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start cooling the relationship with your mom if she is going to act like a brat. If this was a friend or cousin, how would you respond to the tantrums differently? Only meet with her in public after he is here (for a while) so that she will hopefully be embarrassed to cause a scene.

Your union will be with him. You need to have a united front. If you don't, she will find every nook and cranny to manipulate you and your emotions. She is an expert now because of practicing all your life.

Change YOUR reactions to her and she will either change or do without.


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Girl is time for you two, like a couple to take their own decisions!! I'm 21 and I just left my beautiful family, this is my second month here, I have no brothers or sisters and I love my parents and family, but they understand is time for me to fly.

The best of luck for you!!!


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04, April 2010: Our Engagement ♥♥
16, March 2011: We got Married!!! :) :)

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Your story is sort of like mine. I am american and I am realizing Hispanics can be kinda crazy sometimes. My fiancee's dad wants to kill me (or so he says). I think it's just the peruvian/ latin culture. My fiancee just got approved for her visa and her parents are still nuts and bothering her. They are even taking her to a witch because they think I put a love spell on her lol.... Anyways, although you feel bad at times keep in mind that 95 percent of people who apply for a K1 visa get accepted because if your american, its your right to get married. That fact should help you stay happy. Knowing he will come.

The only mistake we did in our relationship was keep it a secret. It's not good to do that when its our choice to begin with. Really, only we know what makes us happy. Parents will always love you. If he really is a good person and treats you good, she will come around I imagine.

Cheers and good luck.

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With manipulative people like your mother you tell them the decision, then stop talking. You don't explain. You don't argue. You don't put up with their tantrums. Doing any of those things gives them the control they are after.

You can tell her that if she isn't going to respect your decision then she's out of your life and good riddance. As soon as she decides to act like a normal person then she can talk to her daughter and grandchildren. Then you follow through. Never make a statement you are not prepared to enforce with a manipulator.

She's been doing this all your life, and knows what emotional buttons to push: Guilt-tripping, shaming, ridicule, playing the victim, etc. The one thing you absolutely never can do is allow a manipulator to work your emotions. Monitor your emotions carefully, and never let her get you started. Because that is their whole game plan and once you let them get away with this you are in their home court and they'll fire off emotional bullets like a machine gun and make mincemeat out of you.

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