Engagement party

[JSW 0]

So I am going to be in Vn with my Fiancee and were going to have the Engagement party. My question is about the traditional gifts. I have read many websites about it and they all mentioin the normal gifts, the Batel nuts, leaves, tea, wine, a rost pig and my fiancee tells me a part of the traditional gifts are money in an envelope to the family. I have read that the envelope gifts are normaly in the wedding ceromony. Am i reading the tradition wrong? what ceromoney is the envelopes given and about what would a reasonable amount be?

[VinceN 25]

She's right about the envelope with money, the amount shouldn't really matter since it's just symbolic, at least that was in my case. As matter of fact I never knew how much money was in the envelope as my wife's mom took care of all the gifts on my behalf behind the scene.

[tcTTct 37]

Like Vince said, it's all symbolic and the organizers will take care of the details anyway. It's been a long time since grooms' families had to pay off the girl's family to take the girl.

Just like "Dam Hoi " which literally means "asking party", nobody actually needs to ask for permission to marry the girl anymore.

Edited March 8, 2012 by tcTTct

[JSW 0]

So my Fiancee and I dont plan it? Ok I must be missing something then, obiviously I still have alot of reading to do. I thought I was to bring the gifts to her parents and family and ask for permission of the family (and ancestors) for her hand in marriage. If most of this is all symbolic then why does the consolate scrutinise it all so closely?. I want to be sure we do this all correct but I am afraid if I make any mistakes (like not putting enough money in the envelope) I will be seen as cheep or insulting to the family. At this point I have put out serious money just to plan the trip over to VN like I am sure everyone does. (dont know how some of you are able to move there or spend a month there lol) I have work and other family here in the USA and just taking the week will be difficult. But its for my love so I will do anything I have to, even working 12 hr days till the day I go to the airport. So, what should I do or am expected to do for the Dam Hoi party?

Edited March 9, 2012 by JSW

[Sayha or bust. 71]

So I am going to be in Vn with my Fiancee and were going to have the Engagement party. My question is about the traditional gifts. I have read many websites about it and they all mentioin the normal gifts, the Batel nuts, leaves, tea, wine, a rost pig and my fiancee tells me a part of the traditional gifts are money in an envelope to the family. I have read that the envelope gifts are normaly in the wedding ceromony. Am i reading the tradition wrong? what ceromoney is the envelopes given and about what would a reasonable amount be?

I never gave any money to anyone in our Engagement party, the guest would come to us and give us money and tie a thread on each of our wrist and took a ceremonial shot of soda. The guest that didn't actually participate in the ceremony put the money envelopes in the drop box. The money was counted and given to her mom and dad. We walked around to each table afterwards and handed out cigarettes and tooth picks. While I was there we went to few weddings and would give 200,000 to 500,000 dong to the couples.

[tcTTct 37]

The consulate doesn't scrutinize the details of the engagement party. They just want to see that you have one because it conforms to the cultural norms of Vietnam. Just be nice to her family and you'll be fine. They will take care of all the details, just smile and pay for it

And don't worry about not knowing what to do - you're going to marry a woman, she will tell you what to do

Edited March 9, 2012 by tcTTct

[luckytxn 2,263]

Like Vince said, it's all symbolic and the organizers will take care of the details anyway. It's been a long time since grooms' families had to pay off the girl's family to take the girl.

Just like "Dam Hoi " which literally means "asking party", nobody actually needs to ask for permission to marry the girl anymore.

Wait a minute. Her family was supposed to pay off my family to take my now wife off their hands. I got gypped.

[luckytxn 2,263]

So my Fiancee and I dont plan it? Ok I must be missing something then, obiviously I still have alot of reading to do. I thought I was to bring the gifts to her parents and family and ask for permission of the family (and ancestors) for her hand in marriage. If most of this is all symbolic then why does the consolate scrutinise it all so closely?. I want to be sure we do this all correct but I am afraid if I make any mistakes (like not putting enough money in the envelope) I will be seen as cheep or insulting to the family. At this point I have put out serious money just to plan the trip over to VN like I am sure everyone does. (dont know how some of you are able to move there or spend a month there lol) I have work and other family here in the USA and just taking the week will be difficult. But its for my love so I will do anything I have to, even working 12 hr days till the day I go to the airport. So, what should I do or am expected to do for the Dam Hoi party?

Don't worry. The family there probably has it all planned out. The idea is you are uniting two families. At my party it was just that. We announced a party with a lot of food and beer. In two days we had about a hundred or more show up. They brought nothing to me anyway but ate a ####### load and drank enough to put even this Texan to shame. I of course had to go to every table and drink a toast to someone there while they spoke some slurred endearing words of encouragement to us. Out side on the sidewalk we had tables for the overflow. (Kids) The shop they owned next to the main house was the Karaoke ####### where drunken people sang songs. ( I think it was songs) I of course was forced to endure that torture while drunk myself. Late that night I was finally freed to go to my room and pass out.

There were several parties while I was there. My wife's family and I noticed every family around needed little reason to party. Be sure to take pics and try if you can learn a few of the names of the people. ( I couldn't)

[ScottThuy 140]

She and her famly will tell you exactly what you need to do... get used to that..

[brian_n_phuong 193]

So I am going to be in Vn with my Fiancee and were going to have the Engagement party. My question is about the traditional gifts. I have read many websites about it and they all mentioin the normal gifts, the Batel nuts, leaves, tea, wine, a rost pig and my fiancee tells me a part of the traditional gifts are money in an envelope to the family. I have read that the envelope gifts are normaly in the wedding ceromony. Am i reading the tradition wrong? what ceromoney is the envelopes given and about what would a reasonable amount be?

Part of the tradition involves sending cash gifts to all VJ Viet Nam forum members.

[ScottThuy 140]

Part of the tradition involves sending cash gifts to all VJ Viet Nam forum members.

And I want brand NEW $100's.. better not have a spot on em!

[VinceN 25]

I just want the new Ipad, make sure it's brand new in the the box.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

So my Fiancee and I dont plan it? Ok I must be missing something then, obiviously I still have alot of reading to do. I thought I was to bring the gifts to her parents and family and ask for permission of the family (and ancestors) for her hand in marriage. If most of this is all symbolic then why does the consolate scrutinise it all so closely?. I want to be sure we do this all correct but I am afraid if I make any mistakes (like not putting enough money in the envelope) I will be seen as cheep or insulting to the family. At this point I have put out serious money just to plan the trip over to VN like I am sure everyone does. (dont know how some of you are able to move there or spend a month there lol) I have work and other family here in the USA and just taking the week will be difficult. But its for my love so I will do anything I have to, even working 12 hr days till the day I go to the airport. So, what should I do or am expected to do for the Dam Hoi party?

Unless you're Viet Kieu then you probably would have no idea how to plan this. Let your fiancee take care of it. Generally, you wouldn't personally be presenting anything. There should be people there representing your family who make the actual presentation. You walk in the very back of the procession with your representatives walking in front of you. If none of your family are going then you usually draft some friends or family members of your fiancee's to do this duty for you.

My wife took care of everything. I just ponied up the dough. My wife prepared all of the cash gift envelopes. My sister and her husband came to represent my family, but we had lot's of other VN locals in our procession as well. My brother in-law stood in as my paternal representative. He drank the rice wine, but he pocketed the bitter fruit - they didn't make him eat it. We didn't rehearse anything in advance. They just coached us while it was going on, and told us what to do.

I never gave any money to anyone in our Engagement party, the guest would come to us and give us money and tie a thread on each of our wrist and took a ceremonial shot of soda. The guest that didn't actually participate in the ceremony put the money envelopes in the drop box. The money was counted and given to her mom and dad. We walked around to each table afterwards and handed out cigarettes and tooth picks. While I was there we went to few weddings and would give 200,000 to 500,000 dong to the couples.

I've been to a few engagement parties now, and I have frankly never heard of one like this. I've never seen a drop box at an engagement party before - only at wedding parties. Handing out cigarettes and toothpicks? That's a new one on me! Usually, the couple just walks around with glasses full of stuff they don't actually drink and raises a toast to everyone at the table.

[tcTTct 37]

If I recall correctly Sayha's wife is Cambodian so things may be different. just goes to show that everyone's experience is slightly different so don't worry too much about the details. They'll all work themselves out.

[tcTTct 37]

And as a Vietnamese I'll tell you guys that there is no real right or wrong way of doing these things, it's all up to how the girl/her mom/her aunts/her father/her grandparents/relatives etc interprets it. And then when they go to the place to rent the platters to carry the pigs etc on, they may say that their package is 10 platters and you can put some other ####### on these extra platters as offerings - it's all for show and to demonstrate that their girl snatched a good one.

It's kind of like the rest of the world says "only in America", when in America it actually means "only in California" and when in California ou find out that it actually means "only in AL" or "only in San Francisco". Everything is subject to interpretation.