Grass not always greener

[Theresa0828 65]

@Theresa...great post...

@Harvey...I like your style...You're the man !!!

Thanks Tahoma!

[bigdog 376]

well, it's almost 6 months when the wife and kids arrived in the US. the kids have adjusted very quickly to life here, but the wife has not. she has not even somehow adjusted (IMO). 2 months into being here, i noticed my wife...how should i say it, well not being a wife. what i mean by that is that she very rarely talks to me and we don't even sleep in the same room. every couple of days i ask her if she wants to call home or any of her friends. but she always says no. i know for a fact that she texts and messages (via fb) her friends. she actually communicates with them more than she communicates with me. she keeps saying that the reason why she's cold towards me is that she doesn't like my "ugali". but im not sure what she means because being together for over a decade, she already knows how i am and i have not changed.

last week we had a blow out and she told me that if i was getting stressed with her and the kids, for me to just send them back. if anyone's going to be flying back to the Philippines, it will just be her by herself. i told i was not going to let her just take the kids. later that day i made "lambing" to her just so she would know i wasn't mad anymore. but we got into a little spat again the other day. so now, i just gave up talking to her. i haven't said a word to her since.

i know she's depressed and she's homesick. what i am frustrated about is the fact that 24/7 i get the silent treatment. meaning that if i don't talk to her, she won't say anything to me. i told her that i don't mind her communicating with her friends and siblings all she wants, but all im asking for is that when i get home from work, that she talk to me naman. it doesn't have to be the whole night, but just give me her time so we can just catch up and talk about how each of our days went. but for her, sitting next to me when i get home from work is good enough. she may be sitting next to me, but she's fiddling with her phone texting and messaging communicating with the whole world except me. whenever i ask her if she's ok, she tells me she is and asks why i keep asking her that.

there are other things that i wont get into, but with our recent spat, it has forced me to step outside the circle and look into the marriage. i am actually at the point where im 50/50 about divorce. after everything we've been through in our relationship and marriage, the time when i thought both of us will be happy finally came February of this year. But, i am not seeing her being happy. i am not even seeing her have any feelings towards me. but maybe im just imagining it.

ladies...were you ever cold towards your husband when you got here? and how long did it take you to snap out of your depression?

Sorry buddy, try a vacation. Whew i got lucky with my beautiful wife.

[Hiker 9]

My wife would hardly talk to me either, except when she decided it was necessary (i.e. when she had already thought through her hair brained ideas all on her own and already decided, before announcing her decision to me, so that she could tell me how much I had to pay for it). We're divorced now.

Sorry about your troubles... I'd suggest a marriage counselor, which may help (didn't help with us, but we're us, not you).

[kev_n_jena 89]

I am a filipina and I am here for 3 months plus now... and I am definitely under some kind of depression if that's how you call it, at least I admit it and constantly checking myself...

Anyways.... after the long wait of approval, getting married and settling down and everything hype died down... i guess I felt depleted... the adjustments of coming here... like I was use to working and I can't work yet... everyday my sense of self worth is slowly eroding coz i am not doing anything, I do some sort of cooking and some sort of cleaning in the house and it somehow helps my self worth a little bit...

I think the need of something to do... the need to go out and talk and relate to other people, other than my husband... Travel helps since we do travel at least once or twice a month... just those weekends getaways... there are times though that i sulk... and sullen... and do not want to talk... but after that I explained to my husband why I am like that... like sometimes i just need to be alone with my own thoughts... although having kids around would really help though... we do not have kids yet

So i guess give her time... she will come out of it soon, make plans to go out with the kids or you and her alone... make her feel what she is doing everyday is a great deal for you... My husband always tell me I did a great job for just a simple task as posting our pictures on facebook... or doing something on our ebay account. I do not advise divorce... i think that this is just a simple problem... there are a lot of things I read in this forum that warrants divorce but not this one... Goodluck!!! and stay strong for your kids.

Theresa & OP,

Have you checked out your local community college? At our local college my wife was able to take some adult education classes for FREE! She took english as a second language and certified nursing assistant courses. She's going back for some math and english courses this semester that we will have to pay for but it's not that expensive. There are other free courses available also. Even if you don't need ESL at least it get you out of the house for a few hours and you get to meet new people. Jena really enjoyed it and it gave us something to talk about too!

Some people might use transportation problems as an excuse not to try it but believe me, it's possible. We live in the country and Jena doesn't drive yet. We still made it work. She'd spend the entire day at school while I was at work for only 2 classes per day. The rest of the day she would spend reading and studying. She took drivers education there too. Unfortunately she doesn't like our manual transmission so we're waiting a little longer until our next car.

Hopefully we'll have an automatic next year. As for now, we carpool to work everyday. The CNA classes paid off and now she's going to work on a nursing degree.

Most people need something to motivate them. Find something that gives you a sense of accomplishment and DO IT!

[giamimigio 21]

no advice here. just want to wish both of you luck in working this all out.

[babystef 8]

after reading this post, i felt afraid..i dont know what will happen to me when i get there..for now im still okay coz im still waiting for my interview date.. its really hard to adjust esp when you used to do things or decide things all by yourself and then suddenly you have to consult someone now? communication is really the key in all relationships..for now i felt excited coz its the first time that our family would be binded soon but what if the excitement fades? oohh..thats life, you have to work it out right..

[A and T 82]

I would find out what is going on online that she talks about to her friends everyday. If she came over and things were fine, but now they are not maybe she is up to something? Find out what she is up to and what she is saying online. You can never be too sure... She might have a boyfriend back home or something like that

[southcalhog 43]

Try to find out why she talks mostly to her friends and not so much with you? Especially Online all the time. Anyway Good Luck to you Both!

[TravellingNomad 12]

DFH - there were other circumstances prevented me bringing her over here. not being employed for a couple of years. then we hit a really hard patch for a long time but we got through it. when we were going through a rough period, we hung on and was able to work it out. and it's not like i was able to take the trips back home every year. again, i did the best i could to go see her (and at the time) my oldest son. as far as "penny pinching", she knows very well what my monthly budget is, before and now. when she thought i was lying to her about how much i made, she realized i wasn't lying to her when she saw my tax returns because she needed to sign them. and the question about how i was able to provide for them but not bring them here. it was possible because for every dollar i was sending to them, it was P45-P50 in conversion rate. she knows now how valuable the exchange rate was when she was in the Philippines. when she came here, she realized that when it comes to our family, our spending is now dollar to a dollar.

kev_n_jena - she's actually set to go to adult school this month. at first she wanted to work in the care home as an LVN because her college friend's parents that live in seattle works in a nursing home. i asked her if she's sure and told her to talk to her friend to find out what working in nursing/care homes entail. she found out and she was a little unsure if she wanted to work in those types of facilities. so i told her the adult education school by our house was offering medical assisting with coding and billing. i explained to her that with that course, she can work in a doctor's office, in hospitals doing billing, or do billing and coding from home. at first she was excited and then she started talking to her friends again and told her there were a lot of things she needs to memorize. because she didn't want to have to memorize anything, she opted for the basic education class which teaches basic computer and math, english, etc. etc. basic education classes. i told her it was moot for her to take that class because she already knows how to operate a computer and that she's really good in math and english. but that's what she decided so i just said ok. as far as transportation, there's already a car she can use. she just needs to pass her driving test. her third and driving test will be later this month.

babystef - didn't mean to scare you. what you have to realize is that my situation may not be and your husband's situation.

Adam and Thet - i actually checked her email account yesterday and read what she has been telling her friend. one thing that sticks out is that she's always saying gusto nya ako layasan kse asar sya sa akin. she tells her friend and sister about how recently i got mad because i was asking her to do a couple of things for me. her sister told her that maybe i was just wanting her to make lambing to me like what her sister's husband every now and then. her sister was actually right. that day i just was just looking for her to make lambing to me for a little bit. but what does she tell her sister and friend? that she doesn't know why i was asking her to do things when i can do it. then she goes on about how she told me to wait. and then the last part of that sentence was her reason for telling me to wait...because she was fiddling with her phone to be on facebook. then another message she was telling her friend that she wanted to leave to go to either LA or Vegas to visit her friends. she just can't figure out how to get away because of the kids. she was saying that she's worried that our youngest son would look for her because "lagi nakabuntot" sa kanya. and that she could bring him along, but that bringing him along "might complicate" things. then she goes on to tell her friend that she can't wait to start working and get her driver's license so that "wala nang pakialaman". this was the first time i actually went into her email and read her messages. i didn't find anything in there that would say there's someone else. but then again, she could be communicating using text messages. she deletes all messages in her inbox, sent, and deleted messages folders.

so with that being said...i just don't know what to think about anymore. i know im not perfect and i know there are some things that i do that the wife don't like. but i don't think those quirks of mine isn't enough to barely speak with me. even when we're right next to each other, she doesn't say anything. more often that not, i feel that she'd rather not be sitting next to me.

i don't know...i'll have to have another talk with her. maybe i'll do it when i get home from work today. oh and yeah, this is not the first time. 2 months ago i talked to her about her being cold towards me. she emailed her sister about it and she told her sister that when i talked to her that time, she slept next to me but that she told her sister about just doing that once. almost like she was bragging about it. but then again, that could just be my interpretation of her email because of the current situation.

thanks everyone for chiming in.

[happyblessedme 12]

well, it's almost 6 months when the wife and kids arrived in the US. the kids have adjusted very quickly to life here, but the wife has not. she has not even somehow adjusted (IMO). 2 months into being here, i noticed my wife...how should i say it, well not being a wife. what i mean by that is that she very rarely talks to me and we don't even sleep in the same room. every couple of days i ask her if she wants to call home or any of her friends. but she always says no. i know for a fact that she texts and messages (via fb) her friends. she actually communicates with them more than she communicates with me. she keeps saying that the reason why she's cold towards me is that she doesn't like my "ugali". but im not sure what she means because being together for over a decade, she already knows how i am and i have not changed.

last week we had a blow out and she told me that if i was getting stressed with her and the kids, for me to just send them back. if anyone's going to be flying back to the Philippines, it will just be her by herself. i told i was not going to let her just take the kids. later that day i made "lambing" to her just so she would know i wasn't mad anymore. but we got into a little spat again the other day. so now, i just gave up talking to her. i haven't said a word to her since.

i know she's depressed and she's homesick. what i am frustrated about is the fact that 24/7 i get the silent treatment. meaning that if i don't talk to her, she won't say anything to me. i told her that i don't mind her communicating with her friends and siblings all she wants, but all im asking for is that when i get home from work, that she talk to me naman. it doesn't have to be the whole night, but just give me her time so we can just catch up and talk about how each of our days went. but for her, sitting next to me when i get home from work is good enough. she may be sitting next to me, but she's fiddling with her phone texting and messaging communicating with the whole world except me. whenever i ask her if she's ok, she tells me she is and asks why i keep asking her that.

there are other things that i wont get into, but with our recent spat, it has forced me to step outside the circle and look into the marriage. i am actually at the point where im 50/50 about divorce. after everything we've been through in our relationship and marriage, the time when i thought both of us will be happy finally came February of this year. But, i am not seeing her being happy. i am not even seeing her have any feelings towards me. but maybe im just imagining it.

ladies...were you ever cold towards your husband when you got here? and how long did it take you to snap out of your depression?

I am so sorry to hear that. i will share u my experience here as i also have 2 kids in my previous relationship.

Me and hubby is now married for over 4 years and i have been through the same situation as hers except that we do talk a lot.

First she may be home sick eventhough her kids are here with u. Try to be patient and be more patient to her and if uhave time take her and her kids to the mall or park where she can breath fresh air.

The fact that she can not go to places anywhere ,anytime she wants to is very boring for us.We are used to going to places and talking to our neighbors in the Phils.If she aint driving yet then it makes it worst.

Once in a while take her out to eat and maybe a lil shopping.Women loves to shop even just window shop. it doesnt have to be costly.

I was once in that situation and am so thankful to God my husband is very understanding and very patient with me. My 2 kids plus 1 now are here together finally.which means more mouths to feed but hubby loves my kids as much as he loves me.

Tell her how much u love her and give her a hug.When a woman is on her "Pagtatampo"Mood..a tight hug works. Take her and the kids to a park picnic or buy her food that she is used to eat in the Phils..that one is also a factor'missing our food" .Take her to an asian store where she can buy and eat the food that she wants.

Everything is an all new adjustment for her believe me. I have known my hubby for 3 years before we even meet and got married but i still got depressed at times. it is better now that i am working and make my own money.

Find her a filipino friends( I have 100's here) Good Luck and pls.don't give up.It will work as the saying goes"love conqueers all".

[happyblessedme 12]

DFH - there were other circumstances prevented me bringing her over here. not being employed for a couple of years. then we hit a really hard patch for a long time but we got through it. when we were going through a rough period, we hung on and was able to work it out. and it's not like i was able to take the trips back home every year. again, i did the best i could to go see her (and at the time) my oldest son. as far as "penny pinching", she knows very well what my monthly budget is, before and now. when she thought i was lying to her about how much i made, she realized i wasn't lying to her when she saw my tax returns because she needed to sign them. and the question about how i was able to provide for them but not bring them here. it was possible because for every dollar i was sending to them, it was P45-P50 in conversion rate. she knows now how valuable the exchange rate was when she was in the Philippines. when she came here, she realized that when it comes to our family, our spending is now dollar to a dollar.

kev_n_jena - she's actually set to go to adult school this month. at first she wanted to work in the care home as an LVN because her college friend's parents that live in seattle works in a nursing home. i asked her if she's sure and told her to talk to her friend to find out what working in nursing/care homes entail. she found out and she was a little unsure if she wanted to work in those types of facilities. so i told her the adult education school by our house was offering medical assisting with coding and billing. i explained to her that with that course, she can work in a doctor's office, in hospitals doing billing, or do billing and coding from home. at first she was excited and then she started talking to her friends again and told her there were a lot of things she needs to memorize. because she didn't want to have to memorize anything, she opted for the basic education class which teaches basic computer and math, english, etc. etc. basic education classes. i told her it was moot for her to take that class because she already knows how to operate a computer and that she's really good in math and english. but that's what she decided so i just said ok. as far as transportation, there's already a car she can use. she just needs to pass her driving test. her third and driving test will be later this month.

babystef - didn't mean to scare you. what you have to realize is that my situation may not be and your husband's situation.

Adam and Thet - i actually checked her email account yesterday and read what she has been telling her friend. one thing that sticks out is that she's always saying gusto nya ako layasan kse asar sya sa akin. she tells her friend and sister about how recently i got mad because i was asking her to do a couple of things for me. her sister told her that maybe i was just wanting her to make lambing to me like what her sister's husband every now and then. her sister was actually right. that day i just was just looking for her to make lambing to me for a little bit. but what does she tell her sister and friend? that she doesn't know why i was asking her to do things when i can do it. then she goes on about how she told me to wait. and then the last part of that sentence was her reason for telling me to wait...because she was fiddling with her phone to be on facebook. then another message she was telling her friend that she wanted to leave to go to either LA or Vegas to visit her friends. she just can't figure out how to get away because of the kids. she was saying that she's worried that our youngest son would look for her because "lagi nakabuntot" sa kanya. and that she could bring him along, but that bringing him along "might complicate" things. then she goes on to tell her friend that she can't wait to start working and get her driver's license so that "wala nang pakialaman". this was the first time i actually went into her email and read her messages. i didn't find anything in there that would say there's someone else. but then again, she could be communicating using text messages. she deletes all messages in her inbox, sent, and deleted messages folders.

so with that being said...i just don't know what to think about anymore. i know im not perfect and i know there are some things that i do that the wife don't like. but i don't think those quirks of mine isn't enough to barely speak with me. even when we're right next to each other, she doesn't say anything. more often that not, i feel that she'd rather not be sitting next to me.

i don't know...i'll have to have another talk with her. maybe i'll do it when i get home from work today. oh and yeah, this is not the first time. 2 months ago i talked to her about her being cold towards me. she emailed her sister about it and she told her sister that when i talked to her that time, she slept next to me but that she told her sister about just doing that once. almost like she was bragging about it. but then again, that could just be my interpretation of her email because of the current situation.

thanks everyone for chiming in.

Also here's another to share for u. If she was a single parent like i was.. then she is used to making her own decisions by herself without consulting or getting ur opinion about it. My husband did a good job on that. Before we make any decisions about anything he would always ask me first what i think about it and then we will have to weigh things before having that final decision. That way she will feel like she is part of the decision making as well..and not just a wife who's role is cleaning the house and cooking. Made her feel her self worth by giving her something to be busy with like,,volunteering .

and one big thing i think is"when our families in the Philippines keep bugging us for money and we can not do anything about it??Man believe me that would make her shut her mouth. Eventhough we send my mom everymonth before..i still wanted more and we could not ask it from our hubby so now that i am working i can send them more.

If that is the reason why she shuts her mouth i think she should work on getting her work permit so she can at least help her family. That is what i think based on my OWN experience . Me and hubby is getting better and better everyday.we talk, we laugh, we cry and this is just but normal in any marriages.

[kikayrheina 0]

i am sorry if you are experiencing that kind of problem, just have faith and communication is the key. i arrived here 8th of June and it was my 2nd month 2 days ago. believe me it's hard especially if you are used to being independent, can go out by yourself. me being here is really difficult coz i still cant work, i cant drive, i cant go to the mall by myself.its really depressing to think that you can do all of those things before without any problem, but i guess that's part of adjustment. but the thought and the wonderful feeling of being with your hubby is the best reward. i know once i have a job i wont have time to think how boring my life can be. what i am doing now is enjoying every moment coz once EAD is here its gonna be different. i wish you goodluck. she shouldn't really be bored coz you guys got kids.

[chinese_mutt 11]

sounds like she wants OUT. question is why...?

I've been going through bouts of depression myself. No job, baby always hanging around me all day long, house work, financial stress etc. etc.

some days I just want to go back to work and forget about cleaning houses and watching the baby, it can drive a person a little bit crazy doing things over and over and over again everyday.

I know a thing or two about phones, I love my phone. My husband loves his computer. On days that he wants to make lambing, I'm tinkering with my phone. On days that I want to make lambing, he's tinkering with his computer. We've now settled down to putting our computers/phones/tv away if one of us wants to make lambing... well at least most of the time. We've argued about it back and forth for over a year (i think) before we were able to understand each other. I get mad when he is on computer, he gets irritated when I'm on my phone. It is hard transitioning to being by yourself all the time doing what you want to do when you want to do it against balancing time for yourself and time for family and time for other people/things esp if you are used to doing things the way that you used to. Ugali can be a lot of things. Is it financial, emotional, psychological?

Give her some time and space and see if she comes around.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

DFH - there were other circumstances prevented me bringing her over here. not being employed for a couple of years. then we hit a really hard patch for a long time but we got through it. when we were going through a rough period, we hung on and was able to work it out. and it's not like i was able to take the trips back home every year. again, i did the best i could to go see her (and at the time) my oldest son. as far as "penny pinching", she knows very well what my monthly budget is, before and now. when she thought i was lying to her about how much i made, she realized i wasn't lying to her when she saw my tax returns because she needed to sign them. and the question about how i was able to provide for them but not bring them here. it was possible because for every dollar i was sending to them, it was P45-P50 in conversion rate. she knows now how valuable the exchange rate was when she was in the Philippines. when she came here, she realized that when it comes to our family, our spending is now dollar to a dollar.

Regardless of the circumstances for why it took you a decade to bring her to the states, that has to have had a big toll on her and the relationship. I noticed on your account, you guys have actually been a couple for 16 years! Anyhow, good luck. I still say keep divorce out of the equation, but if she insists on wanting to go back home, don't use the kids as pawns.

[A and T 82]

She is planning an escape it sounds, she is making friends and trying to get a licence to drive off and maybe even abandon her kids! How long has she been in the usa? If not long, then send her back home

Sounds like it might be immigration fraud, maybe she came to the usa with other plans and just used you to get here

Edited August 11, 2011 by Adam and Thet