The Just Under One Year Report

[russ 1]

Guys and Gals,

Sorry for being so quiet here lately. In many ways, it was a great first year. In others, not quite so.

Yesterday was the last straw.

I filed for divorce this morning, and for a restraining order. It is killing me inside that had no other choice. My wife had been having an affair, starting about a month ago. Fairly quickly, I found out about it. Then the usual ultimatum - "Affair is over, or I leave". And then she got caught again... And again...

I've seen more of the police in the last month than I have in my whole life. She would become extremely violent if I tried to leave. Last night I needed the police here to be able to leave the house. She attempted suicide as well to keep me from leaving. Eventually though (about once a week), she got caught in a lie she couldn't talk her way out of (with the marriage counselor, me, friends, etc).

Since filing for the divorce, I found out that she was pregnant (miscariage today), and that I was probably not the father.

I don't know where she is now, and don't know if I will ever see her again.

It seems cruel that things are ending up this way for her. We were going to school together (Russian and maybe a Masters for me, MBA for her). She doesn't have a greencard yet, and obviously my family are not willing to supply affidavits for her RFEs. She just got a car 3 days ago.

I will get through this, but it has been a very painful month. As always, thanks for everyone's support here!

[Skywolf 0]

Russ,

I wish you the best. Unfortunately, such things aren't limited to our situations, but are common with any relationship these days.

I wish you only the best.

[russ 1]

Russ,

I wish you the best. Unfortunately, such things aren't limited to our situations, but are common with any relationship these days.

I wish you only the best.

It is really difficult to know what to do in our situations, though. Her family and I both think that it would be best if she was home with them now (I've been talking to them about it for some time now).

Immigration-wise, I am not sure what I can do to help. While I certainly believe she chose to marry with the best of intentions, I also can not provide INS with what they are asking for (given the divorce and all).

This was the most difficult decision I have made in my life - getting married was the easiest one.

[workin4somethin 0]

Such bad news is a pity. I hope that both of you can move on and have the best of lives.

With sincere thoughts and simple prayers,

[CarlE 0]

Russ,

I applaud you for staying strong. Whenever someone is confronted with a situation like this, it's not only painful, but there is a lot of soul-searching. I personally support your decision. If you feel like discussing some of it, feel free to PM me.

[slim 1,514]

If it's not meant to be, don't keep beating your head against the wall TRYING to make it work. If it's going to work out, it's going to work out.

Everyone in the world talks about how difficult their relationships are... WHY??? There's no reason to have a difficult relationship with anyone. And obviously, what started off as something very nice for the two of you ended up being a very messed-up situation.

It sounds like this girl is action-packed with issues. You don't need that. Have her family send her some money (or pay for it yourself) and send her back home. If you don't know where she is and can't get in touch with her, that's not your problem! Everyone (especially on VJ) is always concerned about love and marriage and breaking up and the hard parts about being in a relationship. People, we are all adults on here, and adults are responsible for their own actions. You are not responsible for the actions of others.

Russ, it sounds like you've been doing what you're supposed to be doing to be a good husband and even went the extra mile of forgiving her for having an affair, and are attempting to do your best to help her stay in this country.

That's all you can do. You can't control what she does, and if you're a good guy.... don't put up with (and waste your time trying so hard to be good guy to) a girl that is doing anything less than being good right back.

Sorry to be so blunt, but to be even more blunt.... there are 48,000 more girls out there right now waiting for your correspondence. Keep that in mind when you're "trying" to be good for her.

[russ 1]

Everyone in the world talks about how difficult their relationships are... WHY??? There's no reason to have a difficult relationship with anyone. And obviously, what started off as something very nice for the two of you ended up being a very messed-up situation.

It sounds like this girl is action-packed with issues. You don't need that. Have her family send her some money (or pay for it yourself) and send her back home. I

Sorry to be so blunt, but to be even more blunt.... there are 48,000 more girls out there right now waiting for your correspondence. Keep that in mind when you're "trying" to be good for her.

She won't go back to Russia, ever. I had suggested that we both go there for a few weeks to let things cool down, it was out of the question. Her family has asked her to go back, not going to happen.

I wasn't looking for a relationship to begin with - we just met and fell in love. It is good that things ended when they did. It would have been much harder later. I guess everyone has drawn a line of what they can not accept, and for me violence was it.

[Voyageur27 0]

Damn Russ, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I am about a year married now and although things are going great for us, it sometimes has not always been easy either. Slim and some others gave you some very good advice, but I know that you must be in some pain as you go through some of these changes in your life. The best of luck to you.

[russ 1]

Damn Russ, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I am about a year married now and although things are going great for us, it sometimes has not always been easy either.

Hey,

It is great to hear from all of you old timers here! Things will be okay, life goes on. Some things are just very difficult to learn about, yet one can be glad in the knowledge that they learned of them early on.

I can't say that it was ever easy, but it was fun and worth it. When I realized that it was no longer worth it, the decision to end things was clear but painful.

I'm curious, what were the biggest problems us old-timers had? For me, it was: Wife learing to drive a car, her finding a job or going to school, the affair and honesty. For my wife, it was: Feeling loved enough, having a backout plan, and having the independance to see other people (affair -- she wanted it, I didn't).

The affair ultimately ended the marriage, since she couldn't end the affair.

Marriage definitely made my wife feel trapped, since she couldn't do what she wanted whenever she wanted. Family events like weddings or christmas were always a big challenge for her.

-russ

[John and Anna 0]

Marriage definitely made my wife feel trapped, since she couldn't do what she wanted whenever she wanted. Family events like weddings or christmas were always a big challenge for her.

-russ

Wow that is a sign.... Why the challenge?

[russ 1]

Wow that is a sign.... Why the challenge?

I don't really know - she doesn't trust family or friends. She did not want a wedding involving her family either.

She was convinced before she met my family that they hated her. As objectively as I can be, they seemed to be very nice to her. They were very supportive, trying to help anyway they could, even after the affiar.

She doesn't like telling people the truth, even about insignificant things. I think she has a fear of it being used against her in the future . I'm not really sure, though.

[akdiver 3]

Russ - dude - that just sucks. Nothing I could say would be helpful, so I will just leave it at that.

I can say you're a bigger man than I. There would not have been any forgiveness of betrayal from me and filing for divorce would have been the first thing I did upon a confirmed affair, even if it didn't involve sex. There just can't be any tolerance for that kind of thing as far as I am concerned.

As for any big problems with us - the only thing that comes to mind is sometimes she misses home. We didn't have any of the problems you mentioned. She passed her driver's license and motorcycle driver's license tests on the first try (English tests too). She had no problem finding a good job or getting along with school. All practical things have been basically perfect. Sometimes she wants a little more attention than I seem to be able to provide, but we're working on it. (:

Cheers!

AKDiver

[russ 1]

. Sometimes she wants a little more attention than I seem to be able to provide, but we're working on it. (:

Cheers!

AKDiver

That was certainly a big problem for us, but there are limits to how much attention you can give someone. I tried to be there as much as I could, which in hindsight was a mistake. There were unreasonable expections set (being home 24 hours a day, no work or friends), and this is just not sustainable. Eventually I had to go to work, and there was a lot of resentment about this.

Problems like this can be solved, but the sooner the better. If your spouse will not discus issues like this openly, or trust a 3rd party to help, I know now that it can get much worse.

But AK, it sounds like things for you and your wife are great! I'm am so happy to hear that you are happy. I'm sure you were not thinking about the last year as a "checklist" as it happened, but I'm sure it is nice to look back and see how much you both enjoyed doing all these things!

-russ

[akdiver 3]

Oh yeah, that would be a problem. I wasn't talking about anything of THAT magnitude, more like situations where there is something I wanted/needed to be doing (server maintenance, working on bills & such, relaxing and thinking, etc.) where it looked like I wasn't doing much, but was actually doing a lot, and her wanting my attention because it looked like I had free time.

I agree with your comments about communication. If our communication wasn't so free and open about all kinds of things, we wouldn't be so well off I am assure you.

But AK, it sounds like things for you and your wife are great! I'm am so happy to hear that you are happy. I'm sure you were not thinking about the last year as a "checklist" as it happened, but I'm sure it is nice to look back and see how much you both enjoyed doing all these things!

Thanks man.

Well, I was pretty organized about things. I took off from work the first two days she was here so that we could get some things taken care of. She arrived on a Sunday, which is useless for doing anything, but on Monday we were at the DMV getting her a state ID card, and went to the SS office and applied for a number. She started studying the driver's manual right away and the second week she went back (by herself) to take the knowledge test and get her learner's permit. Also that second week she got confirmation a SSN had been assigned (she went back to the SS office by herself too). Within a month she had her driver's license and was volunteering at the library to "get out" and get some experience. I got her AOS/EAD/AP paperwork completely ready to go (forms, money orders, photos, supporting docs, EVERYTHING) before we went to Hawaii and got married and the day after getting married I popped in the marriage certificate and dropped it all in the mail. I can't be sure about this, but I think by the time we got back from Hawaii we already had NOA-1 for AOS/EAD/AP waiting for us in the post office box. I'm pretty certain that getting stuff in ASAP is why we got stuff back ASAP. Looking back at things, the only way we could have gotten anything any sooner was if we had gotten married sooner, which was not an option for us.

Anyway - the point is that while I may not have had a physical checklist, I certainly had a mental checklist that I was following. I'm pretty serious when it comes to paperwork issues. I tend to over-do things and do things way more thoroughly than is required. I call it "particular" but I think most people would say I have a syndrome of some sort. (: It's worth pointing out that at our AOS interview we were not asked for a single piece of supporting evidence. In fact, the CO asked me, "so how long have you worked for the government?" I told him and he said, "Well, it shows. You've got all your ducks in a row here - I don't think I've ever seen a file that was so clean." (:

He was probably referring to the fact that I used photoshop to fill out all the text for the various forms as he asked me how I did it (the downloadable PDFs I got from the web were not "fillable", so it would have been strange to have them electronically filled out like I did), and all of the IDs and other documents I provided were high-quality scans, output on a colour printer as opposed to crappy photocopies. Also, every single page submitted had electronically added annotation as to who it belonged to and the benefit being applied for - in great detail. All in all, it was overkill, but in the end, I got what I wanted - the requested documents, with no RFEs, no delays, and no questions. Overkill never hurts, but coming up with the time to implement it requires more dedication than many are willing to put forth.

As for your situation Russ - well, you know, I can't pretend to know how you feel as I have not been there. I would offer that you give yourself some time to heal before pursuing another relationship, and wish you the best.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Chuckles 0]

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles, Russ. I am sure you had no idea it would end up like this. Life is a crapshoot sometimes. Hang in there.